Organic Relationship?

July 20, 2020

So, my guy friend and I care about each other deeply. I recently told him I loved him. Not in this order, but he said most recently this: I cant define my feelings, but it's strong and it scared me. When I am around you too much or talk to you too much, they intensify, when I push you away, they are still there but out of sight out of mind" this was after a conversation of why I always have to initiate conversation. Long story short, he said with our conversations like that, he said it feels forced and he wants it to be more organic, so now I am confused, is he pushing me away or is he still in on the "situationship"? He said he is willing to try harder after I basically told him, you need to talk to me more, because thats what I want, or we need to just move on.. sounds selfish, but there was more to it, lol not just that... anyway, help?! Im just overthinking it and an outsiders opinion will be super helpful.

July 20, 2020

You took the bull by the horns & brought the situation to a head but you did it in a pressure filled awkward way that put him on the spot.

You would have been better served being more low key & asking how he felt about you, whether he ever thought you guys could be more, the assessing his reaction.

Now he feels like he has to date you or lose the friendship.

July 20, 2020

I dont really feel that way.. we've been close for over a year now. Unfortunately, our jobs keep us from being more... confusing for some, but it is what it is.. I just dont know if he really wants to try harder or not. Weve been through alot together, and Ive offered several times to just say, lets forget it, move on, and he never wants to do that...

July 20, 2020

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You took the bull by the horns & brought the situation to a head but you did it in a pressure filled awkward way that put him on the spot.

You would have been better served being more low key & asking how he felt about you, whether he ever thought you guys could be more, the assessing his reaction.

Now he feels like he has to date you or lose the friendship.

I agree with a lot of this. The way you went about this has most likely killed all chances of an organic relationship, it's awkward, its better to cut off all contact and move and

2 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said:

I dont really feel that way.. we've been close for over a year now. Unfortunately, our jobs keep us from being more... confusing for some, but it is what it is.. I just dont know if he really wants to try harder or not. Weve been through alot together, and Ive offered several times to just say, lets forget it, move on, and he never wants to do that...

It's not going to end in your favor

July 20, 2020

How you feel doesn't matter. It's how he feels that controls. You made it awkward. He's retreating.

Your best option right now to preserve the friendship (if that is what you want) is to act like you never said anything. Just go back to the way things were as colleagues & never mention it again until he does.

If you really want more then friendship but he can't give it to you, the best thing for your mental health is distance from him.

July 20, 2020

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

How you feel doesn't matter. It's how he feels that controls. You made it awkward. He's retreating.

Your best option right now to preserve the friendship (if that is what you want) is to act like you never said anything. Just go back to the way things were as colleagues & never mention it again until he does.

If you really want more then friendship but he can't give it to you, the best thing for your mental health is distance from him.

I absolutely appreciate your advice, but I have to ask what makes you believe he's just "out"? Like ive said, Ive given him plenty of "outs" just because of our history. I feel we have a unique situation and I believe he has the type of personality that he would just flat out tell me he's over it.. so I guess Im asking why, in your opinion, would he tell me he wants to try harder and he wants us to be more "organic" if he wasnt interested at all... is this something men just do? lol. I am by all means being serious, not condesending or anything or a pain in the ass, just trying to clarify your advice

July 20, 2020

38 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said:

So, my guy friend and I care about each other deeply. I recently told him I loved him. Not in this order, but he said most recently this: I cant define my feelings, but it's strong and it scared me. When I am around you too much or talk to you too much, they intensify, when I push you away, they are still there but out of sight out of mind" this was after a conversation of why I always have to initiate conversation. Long story short, he said with our conversations like that, he said it feels forced and he wants it to be more organic, so now I am confused, is he pushing me away or is he still in on the "situationship"? He said he is willing to try harder after I basically told him, you need to talk to me more, because thats what I want, or we need to just move on.. sounds selfish, but there was more to it, lol not just that... anyway, help?! Im just overthinking it and an outsiders opinion will be super helpful.

I think he gets feels for you when you’re together. Because you both get along and have been through so much. There’s a lot to be said for a good connection and supporting people through hard times.
The one thing that stood out to me was his choice of words. “too much” ....anytime you have too much of something you don’t want it. Too much alcohol, too much interference from family etc etc... I think you see where I’m going with this.

I think he values your friendship and could “settle” for you but that’s not what he wants. I can’t help but feel he’s stringing you along somewhat. Keeping you there on the back boiler so as not to destroy the connection just in case he changes his mind , or not to hurt you and lose the friendship, cos he clearly doesn’t know what he wants or he’s not ready. Maybe he does know what he wants but at this point I don’t happen to think it’s you.

Out of sight out of mind is pretty harsh. If you love someone, you spend your time thinking about them even when you’re not together. I know it’s not what you want to hear. But reading the other posters views on this - we all share the same ideas. I think you can’t see it because you’re stuck on him. If there’s more to it then share it here so people can help you more , but with what you’ve written , that’s pretty much the only thing that can be extrapolated.

@d0nnivain has given you some really good advice in both posts

July 20, 2020

6 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said:

I absolutely appreciate your advice, but I have to ask what makes you believe he's just "out"? Like ive said, Ive given him plenty of "outs" just because of our history. I feel we have a unique situation and I believe he has the type of personality that he would just flat out tell me he's over it.. so I guess Im asking why, in your opinion, would he tell me he wants to try harder and he wants us to be more "organic" if he wasnt interested at all... is this something men just do? lol. I am by all means being serious, not condesending or anything or a pain in the ass, just trying to clarify your advice

By him telling you to be more organic , that literally translates that he wants things to happen naturally, and he possibly feels it’s being forced into a “I love you relationship”. He’s not on the same page as you. He may come round , he may not

July 20, 2020

2 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I think he gets feels for you when you’re together. Because you both get along and have been through so much. There’s a lot to be said for a good connection and supporting people through hard times.
The one thing that stood out to me was his choice of words. “too much” ....anytime you have too much of something you don’t want it. Too much alcohol, too much interference from family etc etc... I think you see where I’m going with this.

I think he values your friendship and could “settle” for you but that’s not what he wants. I can’t help but feel he’s stringing you along somewhat. Keeping you there on the back boiler so as not to destroy the connection just in case he changes his mind , or not to hurt you and lose the friendship, cos he clearly doesn’t know what he wants or he’s not ready. Maybe he does know what he wants but at this point I don’t happen to think it’s you.

Out of sight out of mind is pretty harsh. If you love someone, you spend your time thinking about them even when you’re not together. I know it’s not what you want to hear. But reading the other posters views on this - we all share the same ideas. I think you can’t see it because you’re stuck on him. If there’s more to it then share it here so people can help you more , but with what you’ve written , that’s pretty much the only thing that can be extrapolated.

@d0nnivain has given you some really good advice in both posts

Thanks, that was helpful. I really go back and forth with this guy. I care about him alot, I honestly feel like I ask more of him to treat me as if I was his gf, when Im not.. so Ive apologized for having such high expectations, but we go back and forth with this for over a year. I feel if we were in the situation where we could be together, we would and it'd be fine, I wouldnt have to be here, but since we cant I feel as if I pull everything apart and overthink. I just get stuck on where he says the things that makes me feel like he wants to be where we are.. because he doesnt want to take the "out" and he wants to "try harder", so to me, I get confused because it's like, why say that, if you dont want to.. and he definately would just tell me hes over it.. I know him.. lol he doesnt hold back, so I just dont know what to do anymore.

July 20, 2020

You gave him a bright green light. If he was all in on a relationship with you, once you confessed your feelings he would have shouted "thank heavens!" or at least said something like "do you know how long I've been waiting for you to say something?" His reaction would have been much more positive. At the very least he would have kissed you even if even did have words, more probably he would have dragged you off to the nearest private place so you two could be alone.

The fact that he stammered through this push pull nonsense tells me that he cares about your feelings but liked the status quo which you have now upset.

July 20, 2020

43 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You took the bull by the horns & brought the situation to a head but you did it in a pressure filled awkward way that put him on the spot.

You would have been better served being more low key & asking how he felt about you, whether he ever thought you guys could be more, the assessing his reaction.

Now he feels like he has to date you or lose the friendship.

12 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I think he gets feels for you when you’re together. Because you both get along and have been through so much. There’s a lot to be said for a good connection and supporting people through hard times.
The one thing that stood out to me was his choice of words. “too much” ....anytime you have too much of something you don’t want it. Too much alcohol, too much interference from family etc etc... I think you see where I’m going with this.

I think he values your friendship and could “settle” for you but that’s not what he wants. I can’t help but feel he’s stringing you along somewhat. Keeping you there on the back boiler so as not to destroy the connection just in case he changes his mind , or not to hurt you and lose the friendship, cos he clearly doesn’t know what he wants or he’s not ready. Maybe he does know what he wants but at this point I don’t happen to think it’s you.

Out of sight out of mind is pretty harsh. If you love someone, you spend your time thinking about them even when you’re not together. I know it’s not what you want to hear. But reading the other posters views on this - we all share the same ideas. I think you can’t see it because you’re stuck on him. If there’s more to it then share it here so people can help you more , but with what you’ve written , that’s pretty much the only thing that can be extrapolated.

@d0nnivain has given you some really good advice in both posts

Do you 2 feel as if maybe the "no contact rule" should just be applied to see where it goes? I guess if I don't initiate the conversation, then he doesnt feel obligated, so I would know how he feels, correct? If he contacts me, should I assume his feelings are real? I suck at this.

July 20, 2020

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You gave him a bright green light. If he was all in on a relationship with you, once you confessed your feelings he would have shouted "thank heavens!" or at least said something like "do you know how long I've been waiting for you to say something?" His reaction would have been much more positive. At the very least he would have kissed you even if even did have words, more probably he would have dragged you off to the nearest private place so you two could be alone.

The fact that he stammered through this push pull nonsense tells me that he cares about your feelings but liked the status quo which you have now upset.

Do you 2 feel as if maybe the "no contact rule" should just be applied to see where it goes? I guess if I don't initiate the conversation, then he doesnt feel obligated, so I would know how he feels, correct? If he contacts me, should I assume his feelings are real? I suck at this.

July 20, 2020

Just now, MeganM2020 said:

Do you 2 feel as if maybe the "no contact rule" should just be applied to see where it goes?

It depends but the way you asked the Q, tells me you don't understand how NC works.

First of all you work together. You have to be professional.

Second, NC is designed to help you get over him. If you want to save face & never continue your friendship, sure cut him completely out of your life except for work.

But some BS manipulative game playing where you ignore him in the hopes that he comes running back is not the way to go.

So what do you want? If you want the friendship just keep talking to him at work the way you always have. Act like you never said anything. In time when he realizes you aren't making an issue of what you said, he will relax & things will go back to normal, never to progress to a romance. If you want the romance, then you need to put a LOT of distance in here because he doesn't want it. You pining after him will just make things worse.

You are right in the sense that you can never open this conversation again. He has to say something or make a move. If he doesn't you have concrete proof that this is a no go. Then you have to find a way to co-exist professionally at work or look for another job.

July 20, 2020

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It depends but the way you asked the Q, tells me you don't understand how NC works.

First of all you work together. You have to be professional.

Second, NC is designed to help you get over him. If you want to save face & never continue your friendship, sure cut him completely out of your life except for work.

But some BS manipulative game playing where you ignore him in the hopes that he comes running back is not the way to go.

So what do you want? If you want the friendship just keep talking to him at work the way you always have. Act like you never said anything. In time when he realizes you aren't making an issue of what you said, he will relax & things will go back to normal, never to progress to a romance. If you want the romance, then you need to put a LOT of distance in here because he doesn't want it. You pining after him will just make things worse.

You are right in the sense that you can never open this conversation again. He has to say something or make a move. If he doesn't you have concrete proof that this is a no go. Then you have to find a way to co-exist professionally at work or look for another job.

You know, after re-reading my post, that snot what I meant. I guess I meant the mild form of NC. Meaning the no initiating... I of course dont like mind games, as this is what is happening to me. I dont know what I want to be honest. I love him, it seems as if he doesnt feel the same, so maybe he is keeping me on the backburner as suggested... So, I suppose, I should let it be, see if he gets ahold of me and try to move on.

July 20, 2020

Letting it be is a good plan. Do be cordial at work but that is about it.

July 20, 2020

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Letting it be is a good plan. Do be cordial at work but that is about it.

I seriously appreciate your advice. Thanks. Ive invested so much time and effort into him and he to me, it just seems like I shouldnt give up, so asking for advice seems to be my best option at this point. I just dont know when to "let him go" is appropriate.

Edited July 20, 2020 by MeganM2020
Adding

July 20, 2020

21 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said:

Do you 2 feel as if maybe the "no contact rule" should just be applied to see where it goes? I guess if I don't initiate the conversation, then he doesnt feel obligated, so I would know how he feels, correct? If he contacts me, should I assume his feelings are real? I suck at this.

No contact t is not used as tool to manipulate. It’s used to heal and move on.
looks like me and D0nnivain are on the same page this evening!

I would just pull back your feelings because they’re basically one sided right now. You don’t want to look crazy. Just be friendly because that’s what you guys are , friends.

the only way you’re going to pull that off is by coming to your own conclusion that he doesn’t feel the same way. Once you truly feel that, indifference will follow and your friendship may continue as just that.

Edited July 20, 2020 by Fox Sake
Spelling like a kindergarten

July 20, 2020

1 minute ago, Fox Sake said:

No contact t is not used as tool to manipulate. It’s used to heal and move on.
looks like me and D0nnivain are on the same page this evening!

I would just pull back your feelings because they’re basically one sided right now. You don’t want to look crazy. Just be friendly because that’s what you guys are , friends.

the only way you’re goi f to pull that off is by coming to your own conclusion that he doesn’t feel the same way. Once you truly feel that, indifference will follow and your friendship may continue as just that.

yeah, thats the hard part is accepting that. I look back and think, he isnt giving up, he seems like he wants me in his life..., so it must mean something.. ugh

July 20, 2020

4 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said:

yeah, thats the hard part is accepting that. I look back and think, he isnt giving up, he seems like he wants me in his life..., so it must mean something.. ugh

I want my friends in my life too . That’s what he isn’t giving up on, and you don’t have to either

you’ll be okay

Edited July 20, 2020 by Fox Sake
I need sleep.

July 20, 2020

Just now, MeganM2020 said:

I look back and think, he isnt giving up, he seems like he wants me in his life..., so it must mean something.. ugh

He does want you in his life but as a friend & colleague. Since you want more it hurts. Sorry.

July 20, 2020

4 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I want my friends in my life too . That’s what he isn’t giving up on, and you don’t need too either!

you’ll be okay

Ok, I am super aware I am being totally obnoxious at this point, but I want to take your advice seriously... to you, he has feelings, but not enough, but still values me and doesnt want to lose me as a friend, and thinks things need to be more "organic" and is willing to move forward, if they will, on their own, without me spilling my heart to him all the time? Am I interpreting your advice correctly? lol In the end, they may or may not blossom, just not right now?

Edited July 20, 2020 by MeganM2020
Adding

July 20, 2020

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He does want you in his life but as a friend & colleague. Since you want more it hurts. Sorry.

Yeah, I just need to figure out how to deal with these feelings without telling him about it... thanks so much.

July 20, 2020

You can talk to us. Do you have other friends or family members who will listen? Journaling might help you too.

July 20, 2020

Just now, d0nnivain said:

You can talk to us. Do you have other friends or family members who will listen? Journaling might help you too.

Unfortunately, most of my friends are people I work with, and in our profession, its considered a conflict of interest.. so its complicated. So, he gets to hear it, which is why ive said weve been through alot, hes listened to all my feelings over him for along time, yet doesnt just give up..

July 20, 2020

You have to understand, when you come across more masculine than the dude you are trying to court, its very, very, very, very, very, very, very unattractive, like I can't emphasize this enough.

Organic means natural feminine and natural masculine energies. You are more masculine than the guy you are trying to date... Let me guess, he doesn't like sports, is not that competitive, does not chase after girls... If i describe your friend correctly, this is what it is.

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