How do you make your relationship work?

[Noproblem]

49 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

Her not wanting kids is a dead end.  There's no middle ground on that.  Other issues can be worked with, but it takes two to reproduce.  Keep your gf around to keep that female scent on you while you actively look for another partner.  Its always easier to find somebody when you already have somebody.

that's very selfish thing to do, to keep someone around until you find another person you wanna commit to.

No he should either leave her or deal with her. Keeping her around to have sex until he found his baby maker is a a very selfish way, yeah many guys and girls do that but that what them jerks and cheaters!

 

[major_merrick]

13 minutes ago, Noproblem said:

that's very selfish thing to do

So???  Pretty clear to me that's how she's acting.  One good turn deserves another...   Ultimately, all relationships are transactions...with an eye toward advantage.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've never monkey branched. I think I've attracted a higher caliber of man because I've only dated when I'm truly free and ready, not mixed up with other men. Of course, that's debatable...

I won't have anything to do with a man who has other women in his orbit. 

[Happy Lemming]

On 10/27/2020 at 5:03 PM, carhill said:

if it don't flow, let it go.

100% Agree... this relationship doesn't sound like fun.  You don't have that much time invested here, time to move on.

At four months, a relationship should be enjoyable and exciting, you describe it as "okay" and "having to diffuse many mini arguments".  I don't care either way about this "HSP" condition, or whether she has it or not. In the end, its not your issue to fix it or put up with it.

You stated you can't joke around and be yourself.  Personally, I refuse to conform to something I'm not, just to be in a relationship.

Let her find someone she can be "grumpy" with and you can find someone "upbeat" to have fun with.

Plenty of fish in the sea... NEXT!!

 

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

At four months, a relationship should be enjoyable and exciting...

Very true.  But there's another theory that says the early stages can be precarious, and uncertain.  Which I tend to agree with, and actually my own experience with regard to my own long term committed relationships, including current.

Oh there's tons of chemistry, high energy and passion!  No doubt! But feeling so highly vulnerable can throw some people for a loop.  And for two independent people, trying to navigate their way towards "togetherness" and commitment is often not easy.  

Ideally it should be, but realistically it's not for many people.  There are always exceptions.

What did Shakespeare write?   "The road to true love never does run smooth."

I believe that. 

 

Edited October 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

This is an accident waiting to happen.
Not only is she difficult to live with or even speak to without causuing offense, she doesn't want the kids you want and what kind of a mother would she be anyway?
The whole family walking on eggshells, so as not to upset Mommy...
Wake up and take a huge swerve off in the opposite direction..

[Trail Blazer]

There's two seperate issues here. 

Firstly, your relationship sounds unpleasant and a future breeding ground for toxicity.  I mean, seriously, this chick sounds like selfish, insular and immature.

Secondly, how do we make it work?  Well, if you're looking to leverage off what others have managed to do to make (challenging) relationships work, I doubt you'll be in luck.

I've had my fair share of challenging relationships and my only advice is that life is too short to try and work with the unworkable.  In your case, this woman sounds like a piece of work!  Tread very carefully from here.

[Lamron300]

Hi all,

I hope you're well and keeping safe. I'm having a difficult time understanding myself and I think it is causing me to act irrationally. I've been with my girlfriend since July. We get along 90% of the time. However, as I said in another thread when we argue, we argue over stupid things. For example, we were watching tv and I said as a joke stop laughing..she got so wound up over it, we went back and forth and she ended up crying. When I asked why she said it felt like she has to defend herself, I said how? how am I attacking you. She's highly sensitive. 10 minutes later we made up but I still felt angry as we argue over nothing and when I ask her why she reacts like she does she can't explain it and says she is working on it.

Long story short, I have a big trigger in a relationship and thats when someone mentions past relationships in any context. The reason is because I've had bad experience in the past with this. When I was 21 I had a long distance relationship with someone who lived in New York ( I live in London) she cheated on me with her EX. My previous relationship the girl I was with lived with me for over a year and she was texting (possibly meeting her ex) the whole time behind my back, yet she was the one going through my phone etc. Also numerous times I've met a girl who seemed great but just couldn't get over her ex. My current gf I told her from the start I don't like when people mention their ex's and she hasn't for the majority of the time. However, a week ago I said what can help my snoring? she said not nasal strips my EX used it and it didn't work. She also talked about a previous new years she spent with an EX. Those are minor things, but in my head I got so so so angry. I did well not to argue with her over it. She gets upset over tiny arguments, I can only imagine her reaction to a big one. 

We then watched a programme where the woman checked her partners instagram. I've never ever done that, but for some reason I went on her page and went through her whole instagram. I've only known her for 6 months, why am I concerned about 6 years ago? 

My girlfriend moved in with me for 1 month during the lockdown. The insecure part of my brain felt good as I can see her 24/7 and know what she is up to. Now she has moved back out I get paranoid again. It is two issues in my head: my insecurity due to past experiences and not knowing somethings about her. 

Has anyone experienced anything similar and how do you control your deep internal negative thoughts? Sorry for the long post!

[trident_2020]

You got very angry because you asked about snoring and she said her ex used nasal strips.

That's really messed up.

What can you do to fix it? Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.

 

[Maldives]

I can relate re your trust issues I had similar re cheating causing issues for me in future relationships. I had some counselling and counsellor picked up on it and helped somewhat still a struggle but being burnt as counselling taught me can be a good thing cause your antenna is sharper. Not a bad thing cause you know what to look out for. I would suggest what the counselor suggested for me and that is learning how to manage the trust issues in a way where your giving your partner the benifits of the doubt but you have also got your eyes open. Not sure how that would look for you you may wanna talk to a counselor yourself so they can assist with this 

[Gaeta]

You need to offer yourself the gift of therapy otherwise you'll live permanently with this anger feeling down your stomach. As you'll age everyone you'll meet will have several exs and children with exs and exs will be in your peripheric vision all the time.  

[ShyViolet]

This is irrational and a serious problem which will destroy your relationships.  Get into therapy and deal with this.

[Lamron300]

11 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

You got very angry because you asked about snoring and she said her ex used nasal strips.

That's really messed up.

What can you do to fix it? Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.

 

Hi,

Thanks for your response. Yes I got angry but I kept it to myself. I think I got angry because I never mention anyone from my past ever and also she had said something previously about spending a new year with an EX. I think in my head I've spent a New years with an 'EX' but I wouldn't mention it. It is just me. I just don't see what good can come from mentioning the past. A girl I went on a date with literally cried over her ex to me and how badly she has been treated and expected me to actually feel positive about going on further dates! so you can see where my issue comes from.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are reactions to your perceived triggers are just as out of proportion as hers. 

When you need to  be around someone 24-7 to feel secure and mentally calm, your relationship is on thin ice. You and she both have you own individual issues that you need to work on, independently. 

Otherwise, this relationship will crash and burn very soon. 

[Lamron300]

9 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

 I would suggest what the counselor suggested for me and that is learning how to manage the trust issues in a way where your giving your partner the benifits of the doubt but you have also got your eyes open. Not sure how that would look for you you may wanna talk to a counselor yourself so they can assist with this 

How useful was it? my issue is I also take some medication which can change my moods. Thats why I'm not sure if it is just my mind playing up in addition to my insecurities. A month ago she said an EX tried to contact her, saying he had a new number. She said he was blocked but obviously since he had a new number that wasn't blocked. She said she ignored it. I got angry that he tried contact her and she said "I WISH I DIDN'T TELL YOU, I knew you would react like this". Then that made me angry as how am I supposed to react? not like I was angry at her. Someone I went on few dates with out of the blue contacted my gf telling her lies, she seemed calm about it. Then I got suspicious as to why she wasn't more angry. In my head its a lose-lose.

[Lamron300]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

When you need to  be around someone 24-7 to feel secure and mentally calm, your relationship is on thin ice. You and she both have you own individual issues that you need to work on, independently. 

 

Thanks for your response. It came out wrong. Even when I'm around her 24/7 doesn't change the fact I worry. As I said I lived with someone for a year in the past and they were being dodgy behind my back the whole relationship. I always used to wonder why she would log off facebook on her phone every time she used it. I later discovered it was because she was messaging her ex and didn't want me to see. This experience and others has made me hypersensitive. I haven't talked to anyone I've dated ever again since we broke up, but not everyone is like that. If I'm being rational, she spends 90% of her days off with me..if she is doing anything dodgy it would be in a small window of time. 

It isn't that I think low of her, it is that human beings are odd creatures. Some people might want 'closure' and reach out to an ex partner and to me that is unacceptable. Then I get irrational thoughts of checking her phone and stuff. This isn't me, I don't know what is happening.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I also take some medication which can change my moods. 

This is an excellent place to start. Go to your physician and discuss these thoughts and feelings.

You may need to be reevaluated and have your medication and follow up therapy adjusted, if you are experiencing this type of paranoia and distress.

[Lamron300]

Hi all,

I hope you're all well and keeping safe. I live in London and we are currently on lockdown due to Covid-19. As with the last lockdown, my girlfriend is staying with me otherwise we wouldn't be able to see each other for weeks.

We had a great Xmas morning, till the evening when it went sour. We were watching tv and she got a facebook message from a guy that said Merry Xmas. I was next to her and said who's that? she got defensive and said he is an old colleague, who do you think he is? do you think I'm sleeping with him etc etc. The reason I asked who he was is 1) it says they WERE friends on facebook, meaning she had deleted him previously. She told me at the start of our relationship she had deleted ex's off her social media, so I put 2+2 together and may have been wrong, but thats how I felt. We made up after hours of arguing.

The reason I was triggered by this seemingly minor incident is my previous relationship the girl would always log in to facebook and then quickly log out instead of just leaving the app logged in. She did this our entire relationship and I thought it was strange. The day we broke up because she was cheating (trying to get back with her ex over facebook) I realised thats why she was constantly logging in and then out. When I was 17 I had a log distance relationship with a girl who lived in New York and she also cheated on me with her ex. So I am very sensitive to things like that and hate when an EX is mentioned in any context.  She left her facebook open on my laptop a week ago I had a look (felt so guilty) didn't see anything bad...except she has a co-worker who is a stalker and I feel uneasy that he is around her. She has never mentioned it and I have obviously only found out by her facebook

The second issue is my girlfriend is a very light sleeper and is Unbearable when she doesn't get what she considers good sleep. She is very grumpy and we end up arguing because she is tired. I snore and the dog keeps her up. For the last month I have decided to sleep in the uncomfortable sofa bed in my living room with the dog. I want to avoid arguments but I feel some resentment as I don't like sleeping apart. I also feel like this has affected our sex life as we aren't in the same bed in morning or night. We didn't have sex for a month and I felt awkward bringing it up, she said she just isn't the kinda person to initiate it. However, I can never tell if she is up for it or not, I've told her from the beginning its more about the emotional connection for me, not the physical contact....but I feel we don't have much of a sex life despite living together. For example yesterday she went to bed at 9.30pm, not really much I can do. She says theres no issue, but how can I initiate things without feeling internally guilty or like I am being pushy? I just feel like if I don't ever initiate it we would go months on end without intimacy.

I feel 90% of the relationship is good but how can I resolve these issues and prevent massive future arguments?

 

Thanks

[d0nnivain]

You need to fix the sleeping together.  Can you buy the dog it's own bed?  Order some breath right strips to curtail your snoring. 

As for the fights, talk to her about your fears.  Simply because somebody sent a Merry Christmas text doesn't translate to let's hook up.

[trident_2020]

Takes two to argue.

Stop triggering so much and take the high road when she gets defensive.

 

[Gaeta]

Sounds like she got on the defensive when you asked about the Xmas message because it's not the first time you insinuate she keeps questionnable contacts? Even if this guy was an ex, she has no control over who sends her Xmas wishes. You can't make her pay for your past girlfriends mistakes. 

For the snoring try to elevate the head of your bed with 4'' blocks. 

[Ruby Slippers]

If you're being triggered by minor incidents because of a past experience, you may need counseling to work through that. There are also free meditations on YouTube for working through past trauma and letting it go.

The sleeping apart can become a big issue. There's a guy on this forum whose girlfriend just left him, and one of her biggest complaints was his snoring that made it impossible to sleep together. Studies show that couples who sleep apart are less bonded and more likely to break up. Men snoring is a very common problem. You need to start researching solutions and let her know you're working on this. You can work on your snoring and she can consider wearing earplugs.

Anytime I have a boyfriend who's a fitful sleeper, I make sure we work on improving the situation together because I know how important sleeping together is for bonding. With both people committed, it's always improved pretty quickly so we're able to get a good night's sleep together - along with all the awesome cuddles and intimacy that comes with it. 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

 

I feel 90% of the relationship is good but how can I resolve these issues and prevent massive future arguments?

It's not possible to have all these issues and have a 90% good relationship.

1. You really need to address your trust issues. You can't punish your current girlfriend for your previous girlfriends' mistakes. If, however, you have genuine reason to believe your current girlfriend is cheating on you, you should end the relationship.

2. See someone about the snoring, get a diagnosis, and get put on treatment.

3. Consider the possibility that you two were not ready to live together.

[ExpatInItaly]

40 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

The sleeping apart can become a big issue. There's a guy on this forum whose girlfriend just left him, and one of her biggest complaints was his snoring that made it impossible to sleep together. Studies show that couples who sleep apart are less bonded and more likely to break up. Men snoring is a very common problem. You need to start researching solutions and let her know you're working on this. You can work on your snoring and she can consider wearing earplugs.

I was about to write the same thing. 

Regarding the snoring, OP, you must do something about it. It is incredibly difficult to sleep beside someone who is making a lot of noise, all night long, every night - and sleeping apart isn't the best solution. You can see that it's making things worse. Have you tried any specific remedies, or spoken to a doctor? 

[Lamron300]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

As for the fights, talk to her about your fears.  Simply because somebody sent a Merry Christmas text doesn't translate to let's hook up.

Thanks for the response! I didn’t know the OP was so long till I just read it myself. 
 

The dog has his own bed and crate. He is a sausage dog puppy. He won’t settle at night. So if it’s not my snoring it’s the dog that keeps her up. That’s why I decided to sleep in living room, but I don’t think it’s a good solution, apart from it keeps the peace.

Have you trusted your partners with social media? I need to get over past experience, however I don’t speak to anyone from my past and I don’t see any benefit of doing so. I’m not saying she is doing that but it’s a big problem to me that can be avoided. I don’t know how to explain my triggers to her without sounding accusatory.