How do you make your relationship work?

[Lamron300]

Hi,

I hope everyone is well and keeping safe. I haven't posted here for a while, took some time to reflect since last October. Recently (about a month ago) I met a girl off online dating and it was love at first sight. We talk all day and have seen each other four times in a short space of time. She stayed over on friday/saturday and it felt like it was domestic bliss, me her and my dog. Her phone screensaver is of her holding my hand and stroking the dog and mine is of me and her hugging. We've opened up to each other about our feelings, which feels weird as most people play games. We both find it weird that it feels like we've know each other for years. We've planned a trip together and  also when she found out she was travelling on my birthday she invited me to come. She also told me on 2nd date she had deleted all her dating apps.

 

The negative part is in my head. I've never been in what I'd call a proper adult relationship. I'm nearly 27 and she is 32. What has ruined dating/talking stages for me in the past is people who CANNOT let go of the past. She hasn't exhibited any of those signs, but two things have concerned me. She said she has been in a lot of relationships and she kinda seemed to say that an ex or ex's had tried to hide her in the past as she is a different culture. Everything is so so exciting for me as I've never been in a proper relationship, but surely for her it can't be if she has been around the block in terms of relationships? I made a joke and then she said her relationship start off well and then go downhill but said me and her are different and she has come onto online dating this time with a different mindset. I'm worried that maybe down the line she may be someone who cannot let go of the past, even though now I haven't seen anything more than subtle signs.

I want a fresh adventure where both of us are very excited, she says she is and seems it, but I can't be sure. I feel I'm getting sucked in so quickly and it all seems too good to be true. When this happens I feel like I need to test how much they actually like me & I don't know if its me just being negative.

Edited January 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mystery4u]

Yes it is you being negative.

Her past is exactly that - her past. It has nothing to do with you as you are not in her past.

You are her present and her future. Focus on that.

And you are way off on your point. My past involves lots of different women, including a number of long term relationships and being in love a number of times. With my current girlfriend I feel COMPLETELY different towards her than I did to any of my exes. Different in a much better way.

You don't need to worry about how she will be feeling down the line, as long as you keep being yourself, as that's what's attracted her to you.

Life involves taking risks and a relationship is one of those. If it doesn't work out it's not the end of the world.

Things seem to good to be true... Well in that case embrace it! Hurry up and ask her to be your girlfriend in a romantic way.

[d0nnivain]

Slow down!  Your exuberance is going to ruin this.  You are both putting waaaayyyyyy too much pressure on something so new.  You two are already each other's screen savers?  Yuck.  This isn't junior high school.  You are too mature for that but not mature enough to distinguish limerence from genuine feelings.   

Assume everything you feel right now is a chemical hormonal high, not to be trusted.  Enjoy it.  Have fun.  falling in love is blast but it's the very whirlwind that sweeps you off your feet which means you aren't making good rational decisions.  So reign in your own brain & heart for the 1st few months.  I'm not saying hold yourself back completely but keep the spigot open at trickle not fully open full force.  

You cannot treat a new person in your life the same way you would treat a spouse.  They aren't family & they haven't proven themselves.  Do not rely on this person. Do not disclose every deep dark secret  or fear.  Learn to be more in the moment.  Enjoy the person's company & get to know them.  Build a foundation slowly & carefully.  This is the honeymoon phase when everything is bright & wonderful.  You haven't weathered any storms yet.  

It may be a caution flag that her relationships start off great then sink but I suspect she's guilty of what I just warned you against -- getting in too fast too soon.   So you are going to have to pump the breaks. 

It's not that she can't let go of the past.  It's that she hasn't learned from it.  What is this "new mindset" she speaks of?  The fact that she already told this -- told you that she's got issues -- is bad.  It's too soon for her to be doing anything other then putting her best foot forward.  It's one thing to let somebody in later but off the bat, it shows poor boundaries & an inability to keep her own counsel.  Also how did she come by it?  It takes years to develop new healthy habits.  

I realize with Covid & shut downs there aren't many dating options but do schedule more out of the home outings -- walks, boat rides, etc.  You need to get to know each other SLOWLY.  That will be better accomplished if you can stay out of the bedroom & stop playing house with your dog.  It's too soon for you two to be cocooning. Now is a time for active dates.  Get out of the house.  Do not mistake great sex for a proper connection.  

[Lamron300]

27 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

 

Life involves taking risks and a relationship is one of those. If it doesn't work out it's not the end of the world.

Things seem to good to be true... Well in that case embrace it! Hurry up and ask her to be your girlfriend in a romantic way.

I guess you're right and thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. Are you saying that you wouldn't be fazed by the past of your love interest? I've just had negative experiences with people who seem consumed by their past. She hasn't shown signs of that yet, but I'm just wary. I also feel things are too perfect I don't want to jeopardise anything and anything that goes slightly off plan I may overreact.

Just as we speak she just said she is in the shop and asked if I would like her to get me a wireless phone charger and I said I care about her a lot and she said she feels like she has hit the jackpot with me. I feel a lot of emotion towards her but I keep convincing myself something may go wrong or thinking negatively. It is so far so good.  For example we haven't had sex yet and I don't care about that, but its something I'm worried about as it is a hurdle that can cause problems if for some reason we weren't compatible in that area. 

She is going on holiday for 2 weeks soon and I feel more reassured when I'm speaking face to face with her, but I guess I'll just have to take the risk and see how things play out.

[Lamron300]

15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Slow down!  Your exuberance is going to ruin this.  You are both putting waaaayyyyyy too much pressure on something so new.  You two are already each other's screen savers?  Yuck.  This isn't junior high school.  You are too mature for that but not mature enough to distinguish limerence from genuine feelings.   

You cannot treat a new person in your life the same way you would treat a spouse.  They aren't family & they haven't proven themselves.  Do not rely on this person. Do not disclose every deep dark secret  or fear.  Learn to be more in the moment.  Enjoy the person's company & get to know them.  Build a foundation slowly & carefully.  This is the honeymoon phase when everything is bright & wonderful.  You haven't weathered any storms yet.  

 

Thank you very much for the great advice and time you spent writing it, I really appreciate it.. What you have said is spot on. I feel like a kid and I may be acting like a kid. I'm happy as I don't play games and it seems she doesn't as she told me from first date she likes me. But as you said, there is things that concern me. I said to her I haven't been in a relationship as I don't want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone, then she laughed and said yeah thats what she has been like (being in a relationship just to be in one). She also said on first date she would cry if I stopped speaking to her and has said numerous times she gets attached to people quickly. On one hand I feel this could be an issue (not sure why) on the other hand I think if shes really into me and I'm really into her, whats the issue?

I'm getting too excited and like you said with the screensaver in my rational mind I wouldn't do that. But I don't feel rational. I want to have a stress free relationship with her without pulling back too much.

[d0nnivain]

You realize that if she's going on holiday soon, you won't see her for a month?  the responsible thing to do is for her to self quarantine for 2 weeks once she gets back.  

As for her "past" you are 27 years old.  At your age everyone has a past.  If you try dating somebody age appropriate for you who doesn't have a past, that person most likely has other more serious developmental problems that render them far more unsuitable as a partner then somebody who had prior relationships. 

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Lamron300 said:

 She also said on first date she would cry if I stopped speaking to her and has said numerous times she gets attached to people quickly

That is a HUGE red flag.  It was a 1st date.  If you stop talking to somebody after a 1st date by the next week you should barely remember their name.  To cry over them is ridiculous.  It shows that she's needy & can't stand on her own two feet. 

I fear for you.  You don't have the experience to see that she's not well balanced.  I do not see a stress free relationship in your future.  She's not an equal partner because she does not have good boundaries or a quality sense of self.  

[Lamron300]

Hi,

I hope you're all well and keeping safe. I have been in a relationship since July this year. Things are going okay, steady... no major issues. However, internally, I have a lot of questions. I've tried to avoid posting here as I felt maybe the feelings would settle, but they haven't.

My girlfriend says she is a HSP (Highly-sensitive person) which is an actual thing, not just a description she has placed on herself. However, I feel like I can't even joke with her. For example she told me a story about how she got scammed of $20 to buy a tshirt on instagram. The way she told the story was funny and I laughed. She then got offended I laughed ( sometimes I can't tell if she is being serious) and I was so confused. A week or two after she told her friend and her friends boyfriend the story of how my brother got me a fake watch for my birthday and they all laughed at me. She told me this story and I said if that was me who did that you would get offended. She was like yeah but thats me, everyone is different. She also says that its good I'm laidback as I diffuse so many mini arguments between us. That is my problem with her, its not a major deal as we don't get into heated arguments or anything but even when she's tired she can be really grumpy whereas I try and be upbeat. Again she just says people are different. 

Another issue I have, which is a bit bigger is she says she doesn't want to have kids. I'm in my late twenties, she is in her early thirties. I mean we have only been dating for four months, it isn't like I'm planning to have kids anytime soon. However, if I can (who knows maybe I can't I've never tried) I would like kids in the future. Sometimes she seems open to the idea, sometimes not. Her reason is kids are noisy and she don't like noise. I believe in enjoying the present and not worrying too much about the future....but I feel this isn't something you try and convince someone on. I don't want it to be a big issue in the future.

How do you tend to deal with the issues in your relationships?

 

 

Edited January 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smackie9]

Issues issues issues.....how to make it work? You find someone you get along better with. It's only 4 months....when you are stuck like this, it's best to depart. This is not fixable. Seriously I am try to talk some sense into you. You are dealing with mental illness, you can't even be yourself around her, and she told you you are not a match and doesn't want kids....how much more pushing do you need to make a decision?

Tip: you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated and fulfill your expectations. ...anything less than that you move on.

Edited October 27, 2020 by smackie9

[d0nnivain]

It's only October & you already have issues.  That is a problem.  

Since you know she's this HSP, you have to decide if you want to deal with it.  This is politically incorrect but if you don't want to date somebody with cancer or waiting an organ transplant or who is insulin dependent because their medical issues will impact your life, you get to make that decision.  Same thing with this HSP thing.  

That said, the fact that she can dish it out (make fun of you) but can't take it (got upset when you laughed at what you thought was a self deprecating story) it sounds to me more like she's using this label to justify her own self absorption.  I couldn't tolerate that. 

Since you want kids & she doesn't, what are you going to do, waste the rest of your 20s having fun with her then realize in a few years that she hasn't changed her mind & all the other quality singles your age are taken?  Then what?  

I'd maybe hang on through the new year but I doubt I would let myself get too attached.  

 

[Miss Spider]

The same way you deal with any interpersonal issues — find a solution through change or compromise. The things that you cannot find a solution to are deal breakers. If you can’t deal with the issues in the relationship, you move on and find someone you’re more compatible with, instead of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. That’s what the process of dating is for

Edited October 27, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[boymommy]

In my relationship the name of the game is compromise. In every situation I try to look at my part but also communicate my feelings to my boyfriend-I dont force him to change what he is doing (which you really cant anyway) but I do expect him to want to meet in the middle or find a solution that works for us both. 
 

The highly sensitive issue sounds small-there could be a compromise there. The wanting children thing is a bit larger of an issue BUT you are only at 4 months. People can change their minds on what they want over time (especially as a relationship deepens in committment) but only you can figure out if you need it from the start and you essentially “risk” being with someone who is unsure about kids or if you need someone who wants that from the getgo. 

Edited October 27, 2020 by boymommy

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

we have only been dating for four months

She also says that its good I'm laidback as I diffuse so many mini arguments between us. That is my problem with her, its not a major deal as we don't get into heated arguments or anything but even when she's tired she can be really grumpy whereas I try and be upbeat. Again she just says people are different. 

Sorry to hear this. Fortunately, at 16 weeks you know enough that you have to walk on eggs around her and simply can't be yourself. This  is a major incompatibility, with or without any medical/mental health issues.

Right now things usually are great around 4 mos., not apologizing for all the mini-arguments because unbeknownst you, you you inadvertently struck on of her raw nerves. Don't ask yourself about kids, ask yourself if you want to live in this kind of muted prison because she is so easily overstimulated/upset?

[ExpatInItaly]

Is she an HSP, or a PITA?

[poppyfields]

I am familiar with HSP and I don’t know who diagnosed her but based on my understanding of HSP she is not.  She is self-centered and self-absorbed.  Big difference.

HSP are sensitive to not only things that happen to them, but things that happen to others as well and the outside world in general.

That she can get so butt-hurt when YOU make a joke, but yet is so insensitive to your or others’ feelings when SHE (or others) make a joke towards you is reflective of her self-centered nature.   A true HSP would not display such insensitivity towards you or others the way she did.

One beautiful thing about HSP is that they are sensitive to everything and everyone.  High maintenance at times, but caring, lovely people. 

Sorry but from what you describe, she just sounds like a self-absorbed B who has no regard for how you or others feel, she's only concerned how she feels.  

Or as Expat just posted a big huge PITA.

 

Edited October 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Mrin]

I've been in a relationship with an HSP. I am probably a LSP if there is such a thing. Think bull in a china shop. Ha. 

I would agree with Poppy - she sounds very self absorbed. She may also be an HSP but she also sounds self absorbed (more on this below though)

All that being said, here's my take on being in a relationship with an HSP. You have to understand and accept that she experiences the world much "more" than you do. It is like her volume on everything is turned up. Smells. Sounds. Emotions. Everything. There is no "reasonable person" litmus test that applies - (e.g. that shouldn't bother her... She shouldn't be disturbed by that). Her experience is fundamentally different from yours. It may not make sense to you but it isn't "wrong". What is wrong is trying to say that she's "shouldn't [insert reaction here]". Believe me, I've made that mistake several hundred times. 

You just have to accept that's how she is and adjust to how you are with her. You have to be deliberate with your actions and words. And be good at soothing hurts when they do occur instead of defending yourself (been there, done that, have a closet full of t-shirts). 

One other thing getting back to what @poppyfields said - it is easy to conclude that an HSP is self absorbed. But, you also have to recognize that they might be dealing with such emotional or sensory overload that they come across as self absorbed but aren't really. To use a bad analogy, imagine having a set of headphones on and the volume set to max. You may want to hear what the other person is saying or deal with what they are going through but you can't get past the earsplitting chaos being pumped into your brain by the headphones. 

Which brings me to my last point. If you are in a situation with a HSP and they're hurt, deal with their hurt first before addressing yours. They can't even begin to deal with yours until then. To use the headphone analogy, you have to turn the volume down or stop the headphones entirely before turning the attention to you. Oh ya - I have a PhD in NOT doing that by the way.  Doh!

So ya, do everything that I say and nothing what I did and you'll be golden. Lol!

Being in a relationship with an HSP can be seriously bad ass too. It is easy to focus in the negatives but the positives can be out of this world. Love. Warmth. Affection. Caring. Yeah, it goes that way too.

 

Mrin 

 

[boymommy]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I am familiar with HSP and I don’t know who diagnosed her but based on my understanding of HSP she is not.  She is self-centered and self-absorbed.  Big difference.

HSP are sensitive to not only things that happen to them, but things that happen to others as well and the outside world in general.

That she can get so butt-hurt when YOU make a joke, but yet is so insensitive to your or others’ feelings when SHE (or others) make a joke towards you is reflective of her self-centered nature.   A true HSP would not display such insensitivity towards you or others the way she did.

One beautiful thing about HSP is that they are sensitive to everything and everyone.  High maintenance at times, but caring, lovely people. 

Sorry but from what you describe, she just sounds like a self-absorbed B who has no regard for how you or others feel, she's only concerned how she feels.  

Or as Expat just posted a big huge PITA.

 

Agreed! This would describe myself! My boyfriend gets perplexed how I can get so wrapped up in tv shows and feel things so strongly. I actually FEEL whats happening within the show. Its strange! 
 

OP’s girlfriend sounds like my ex husband. He could dish it out but he couldnt take it. Anytime I told him anything he freaked out but he was always cutting me down. Thats the mark of a narcissist or someone with narc tendencies. 

Edited October 27, 2020 by boymommy

[poppyfields]

39 minutes ago, boymommy said:

Agreed! This would describe myself! My boyfriend gets perplexed how I can get so wrapped up in tv shows and feel things so strongly. I actually FEEL whats happening within the show. 

I'm the same boymommy, not just tv and movies, but even many of these LS threads!  I'm super perceptive (as are you) and often feel what the OP's feeling.  I sometimes can feel what the person they're posting about is feeling! 

I've been like this since I was a kid, it's both a blessing and a curse.  

You might be an empath. 

Edited October 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, Mrin said:

 

You just have to accept that's how she is and adjust to how you are with her. You have to be deliberate with your actions and words. And be good at soothing hurts when they do occur instead of defending yourself (been there, done that, have a closet full of t-shirts). 

 

 

Mrin 

 

Hi, 

Thanks for the response. I appreciate it. I didn't want to post on here my relationship 'issues' but it is good to hear another perspective. I guess there is two sides to each story, I am certainly not perfect. We never have like big screaming arguments or even arguments that last more than 2/3 minutes, she called it 'bickering' not arguing, but it is still over petty stuff to the point I don't know if she is being serious. I have said to her a few times why get annoyed, get even, when I make a clear joke. When I say joke I don't mean saying something horrible and then saying 'I'm just joking' I mean even a light tease. Maybe I just need to try see things from her point of view? I just don't want to tread on egg shells. 

She has a lot of good qualities and we get along well, I don't want to reinforce just the negative things in my head, hence why I was a bit reluctant to post as I don't want to make out as if she is awful. The kids thing does worry me a little, but people do change their mind all the time about things. We are 4 months into a relationship, I don't know if it is a big deal right now. My own issue is I overthink things and maybe get fixated or disheartened by things unecessarily.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Ignore diagnosis. Diagnosing someone or getting caught up in their condition gets people in trouble. Here's the thing. You're in your 20s, and all relationships are not supposed to work. You date not just to make things work but to figure out what kind of person you really want to date. When you date someone like your gf, it's amazing that the mind gets really clear on qualities you want in a partner. 

So rather than ask about getting along ... I would say stick with your feelings. You feel insulted by her stories? You feel pushed away by her. You feel you can't talk to her freely. Just tune into those feelings. Because you can't end run those feelings. Tune into them first ... then ask yourself, "assuming she doesn't change one bit" (and people DON'T--at least they don't in order to fit into a relationship) is this a person you really want to be with.

On kids, you will have to find another partner.  You cannot assume and should not assume someone will change their minds on this. And it's not even clear that it'sgood when people change their minds on this. Parenting is exhausting and frustrating and endlessly overwhelming. You gotta want to be a period BAD if you want to have any chance at enjoying parenting. 

 

[carhill]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

How do you tend to deal with the issues in your relationships?

1. I can credit our MC with this one.... he asked me one time if I wanted to be right or be in a relationship, to think about how I would come to that answer

2. Brain professionals are the best assessors of sensory anomalies in the brain like HSP and other brain-related conditions. If you want a layman's guide to HSP, try Elaine Aron's book by the same name "The Highly Sensitive Person".

3. In general, female HSP's are far better accepted than male HSP's by friends, family and society due to gender stereotypes. Your example, HSP or not, underscores how people are different and in relationships we examine if our differences are something we can live with and grow with. If not, we end the relationship or marriage. People do it all the time.

4. If she is a HSP, sexual stimulation should be off the charts. Smell, sound, taste, touch, everything sensory tends to be exaggerated in the brain.

5. Divorce and death changed me so I don't really give good relationship advice anymore. I do tend to follow one bit of wisdom I gained over the decades, if it don't flow, let it go. If I feel the need to constantly assess my behavior and think a relationship, it's time to go. Healthy R's IMO should flow and not be a constant challenge. Issues should be transitory and resolvable.

6. Beware of disclaimers, if/when people describe themselves in negative labels, it's a setup to justify unhealthy behavior, e;g, "I told you xxxx". I tended to overlook that when younger but saw the light eventually.

If she's in her 30's and doesn't want kids because they're 'noisy', believe her.

[Gaeta]

At 4 months dating I could not find my boyfriend any flaws. You're not suppose to be bickering, complaining and demanding compromise that early in the game. This tells you you're not compatible. I am sure she's a nice person and all but  this relationship will not make it if you cannot laugh with each other. Understanding each other's humour is on top of what is most important in a relationship. 

Having children will be an issue as you get older. I don't see any point continuing with her. 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm a "highly sensitive individual," and while this type of person offers a lot of good, we can also be difficult. Just about every man I've been involved with has told me it was the best sex ever, most fun ever, I brought out more of his emotions and romantic side than ever - but I'm sensitive to everything, good and bad, have a very low tolerance for insensitive behavior. I'm starting to think I might be happier and better off permanently single, possibly with some fun, low-commitment, at a safe distance romances along the way. Or maybe I could only make it work with a highly sensitive man. I haven't met too many of those, but maybe they mask it because sensitivity isn't considered manly. 

And her not wanting kids sounds like a dead end for an ongoing relationship. 

[major_merrick]

Her not wanting kids is a dead end.  There's no middle ground on that.  Other issues can be worked with, but it takes two to reproduce.  Keep your gf around to keep that female scent on you while you actively look for another partner.  Its always easier to find somebody when you already have somebody.

[mortensorchid]

You might as well ask what the meaning of life is, because I don't know that either.  All I can say to you is that we all try to do our best and our best doesn't cut it.  Are we perfect?  No, but when someone will not bend or refuses to compromise or fails to communicate with another, you have a problem.  And if someone gives up on you?  Well, they want someone who is lesser than they are or who will provide them with headaches rather than happiness.  Fact.