Talks of Moving in....

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, OatsAndHall said:

 his grandparents actually enjoy having him there.

I'm glad to hear that and that he's not making their life a living hell. My ex mother-in-law raised one of her grand-sons, she loved him and wouldn't have him live anywhere else but still he  stole from her, punch holes in the wall, got stupid drunk, brought girls over and name it. She never said a bad word or complain about him, grand-parents often do that. The boy is now 40 years old, lives in his mother's basement. She didn't raise him but grand-ma is now 85 and cannot provide for him anymore so he went back to his mother. Your gf may say she will never take him back but he is and always be her flesh and blood. 

Edited July 22, 2020 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

I still think the discussion should remain open, because the unexpected can happen, like a grandparent gets sick or passes away. IMO, letting him do whatever he wants, smokin weed and doing nothing with his life, is only enabling the behavior. It is difficult now to do anything because he is an adult, and he makes his own decisions. You are safe for now, but you may find out he's moving in because he's got nowhere to live. This kid needs tough love. So sorry you are in this situation. It's only 8 months, and if I were you I would definitely give it another year before committing to a live in arrangement. But that's just me. If you do, I would put my foot down about him moving in all together. If he stays for a few days she should be spending quality time with him, not let him sit in his room the whole time. I feel if she socialized with him more (not just having dinner together), and did things with him, it might help him get out of his situation.

Edited July 22, 2020 by smackie9

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

On 7/20/2020 at 8:55 PM, OatsAndHall said:

I am so struck by the cerebral nature of this response.. It truly made me probe several of the deeper intellectual boundaries of my conundrum. I do question  the validity of your credentials and training as you referred to an individual with a mental illness as "mentally disabled" though. A diagnosis of clinical depression and/or anxiety, in fact, does not involve cognitive impairment of any kind.

But, hell, I'll  just let that one slide... Please, continue to astonish the lot of us with your astute understanding of childhood development. Or, alternatively, you can stop posting on any thread I happen to put up as I have little patience for faux intellectuals who regurgitate whatever random fact they ran across in this month's edition of Scientologist Psychology Today. Please, say hello to Mr. Hubbard for me, will you? 

I had made a post regarding this with links, however the mods did not approve it.

Basically, you are wrong about depression, it does involve cognitive impairment, wish I could link that article for you, but sadly I cannot.

Mentally disabled, also a fine term to use, is something more of the Woke types try to deconstruct into something offensive, but the offensive word is handicapped, not disabled, disabled is a fine term to use by all standards of practice.

As for the rest of your post, I don't really know what you were trying to achieve, or what you were going to let slide (you being wrong? lol) but anyways, I just wanted to see if you wanted to have a discussion on why children are in the image of their parents, it seems like maybe you might be confused.

[OatsAndHall]

On 7/22/2020 at 11:39 AM, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

I had made a post regarding this with links, however the mods did not approve it.

Basically, you are wrong about depression, it does involve cognitive impairment, wish I could link that article for you, but sadly I cannot.

Mentally disabled, also a fine term to use, is something more of the Woke types try to deconstruct into something offensive, but the offensive word is handicapped, not disabled, disabled is a fine term to use by all standards of practice.

As for the rest of your post, I don't really know what you were trying to achieve, or what you were going to let slide (you being wrong? lol) but anyways, I just wanted to see if you wanted to have a discussion on why children are in the image of their parents, it seems like maybe you might be confused.

 

I will have to pass this time, Dr. Phil. Although, I'm sure there's plethora of individuals who would benefit from your Google University education in psychiatry.

[OatsAndHall]

On 7/22/2020 at 9:06 AM, smackie9 said:

I still think the discussion should remain open, because the unexpected can happen, like a grandparent gets sick or passes away. IMO, letting him do whatever he wants, smokin weed and doing nothing with his life, is only enabling the behavior. It is difficult now to do anything because he is an adult, and he makes his own decisions. You are safe for now, but you may find out he's moving in because he's got nowhere to live. This kid needs tough love. So sorry you are in this situation. It's only 8 months, and if I were you I would definitely give it another year before committing to a live in arrangement. But that's just me. If you do, I would put my foot down about him moving in all together. If he stays for a few days she should be spending quality time with him, not let him sit in his room the whole time. I feel if she socialized with him more (not just having dinner together), and did things with him, it might help him get out of his situation.

 

We try to spend time with him when he's around but it's difficult for both of us as he would rather be playing video games. It's difficult to tell an adult that he has to go to a movie with you when he's hellbent on NOT doing so. At this point, she is exceptionally frustrated with the entire situation as she has taken many approaches towards getting him help but yet here we are. It would be simpler if he was simply a slacker 20 year old with no ambition; his untreated depression, anxiety, and ADHD make it much more difficult. He refuses to get treatment and move forward with his life in any way.

At this point, he has alienated the majority of the family with his behavior and she's well aware of this fact. He lived with her for about six weeks when there were COVID restrictions (long story) and it put a serious strain on her.  And, she knows that a) my patience for him runs thin as well and b) I have no intention of being his surrogate father. So, we will see how this pans out over the next year or so.

[OatsAndHall]

Update:

 

Well... A lot has happened since I started this thread. Long story short, my gf's son was accused of a serious crime and is awaiting trial. That created an enormous emotional mess for her and he has now been completely alienated from the family. She still spends time with him on occasion which I understand; he's her son and she's not going to cut him off. She does keep him at arm's length; he's not allowed at the house and she dictates when they spend time together.  

Shortly after this came up, she asked me where I stood and I told her that, due to the nature of the crime, I wanted nothing to do with him. I told her that wasn't set in stone; I'll reevaluate where I stand with him once he serves his legal penance and get some professional, psychiatric help. I'd prefer to just never see him again but trying to set that boundary probably would've been the end of us. I'm not going to borrow trouble in this situation and it's not a bridge her and I have any intention of crossing any time soon. We've had several conversations about this she respects my boundary and keeps him away from me. That's not terribly difficult to do given that he's not welcome with most of her family..

However, this also opened up the discussion about me moving in and I was able to be honest; I wasn't comfortable moving in with him spending time at the house.  It was a difficult but honest conversation and we moved past it. I moved in last summer and that transition has been going smoothly. We're both quite

[Wiseman2]

On 7/20/2020 at 1:11 PM, OatsAndHall said:

I can't be around him for very long before I need to leave. , he did something involving one of her sister's families within the last few years that has driven a wedge between him and them

You're smart to postpone moving in given this new development regarding her son. 

What's his diagnosis? Will he be in prison, a halfway house, on parole?

 Unfortunately if you live there there's no where to go if he visits.  It's her son but if he's involved in a heinous crime it's odd she wants anything to do with him.

[OatsAndHall]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're smart to postpone moving in given this new development regarding her son. 

What's his diagnosis? Will he be in prison, a halfway house, on parole?

 Unfortunately if you live there there's no where to go if he visits.  It's her son but if he's involved in a heinous crime it's odd she wants anything to do with him.

This situation as made it easier to move in; his mother doesn't want him in the house and neither do I. The crime he committed forced her to realize that he had been driving a lot of decisions in her life. And, it made it easier for her to put some boundaries in place with him. Honestly, I internally questioned why she would want to have anything to do with him but I stopped as I've never been a parent in this situation. Again, she does keep her boundaries in place with him and they are HERS, not mine.

She's well aware of my boundaries and that things won't last between us if she suddenly decides to bring him back into the picture. We've had several conversations about the situation and they've all turned out for the best. We're both very happy together and and she had finally decided not to let her dysfunctional adult son disrupt that. Unfortunately, it took this situation to get there.

Right now, he's out on bail, awaiting trial. I don't even know if a trial date has been set and I don't ask. His diagnosis remains unclear but it'll be awhile before that's addressed.

[chillii]

lt's family business you've only been in her life 8mths for crying out loud, it's none of your business. Kids mess up, he was younger too shyt happens and it's very very hard on families, just let it be. lf you really do become a part of the family which is in yrs to come not mths, 8mths is nothing, it'll all come out anyway one day. You obviously don't have kids yourself right ? Believe me it all looks sooooo different when you've never even had kids. She's doing what she can it's probably hurting her more than you could ever know deep down.

Moving in well, it's what still near a yr away, who knows if it will really even happen as yet. l'd try not to sweat the sons atm,  see how the relationship itself develops, if it does, but don't expect her not to see her own son. Even if you do live together maybe you can go back to yours while his over or something, l dunno , there's plenty of time yet though. He could be late 20s before he snaps out of it , my gf's son was but don't drive a wedge between them though bc you'll lose, blood is far thicker than someone she's only known 8mths.

Edited November 3, 2021 by chillii

[FMW]

40 minutes ago, chillii said:

you've only been in her life 8mths for crying out loud

He posted that in July of 2020, so they've now been together almost 2 years.  That may not change your view, but thought I'd point that out.  

[OatsAndHall]

5 hours ago, chillii said:

lt's family business you've only been in her life 8mths for crying out loud, it's none of your business. Kids mess up, he was younger too shyt happens and it's very very hard on families, just let it be. lf you really do become a part of the family which is in yrs to come not mths, 8mths is nothing, it'll all come out anyway one day. You obviously don't have kids yourself right ? Believe me it all looks sooooo different when you've never even had kids. She's doing what she can it's probably hurting her more than you could ever know deep down.

Moving in well, it's what still near a yr away, who knows if it will really even happen as yet. l'd try not to sweat the sons atm,  see how the relationship itself develops, if it does, but don't expect her not to see her own son. Even if you do live together maybe you can go back to yours while his over or something, l dunno , there's plenty of time yet though. He could be late 20s before he snaps out of it , my gf's son was but don't drive a wedge between them though bc you'll lose, blood is far thicker than someone she's only known 8mths.

1. We've been together for two years.

2. He's a 22 year old that is accused of felony sexual assault. 

Given these two points, I think I'm kosher. In fact, I think I'm keeping a pretty fricking clear head by saying I'll have something to do with him if he gets his act together. 

Edited November 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, OatsAndHall said:

He's a 22 year old that is accused of felony sexual assault.

If convicted, will he have to register as a "Sex Offender"??

[spiderowl]

Don't move in.  You cannot tolerate her son and he is always going to be part of her life.  She will feel responsible for him even if she cannot control him or make things better.  It is not fair on her if you move in and then there are tensions because you cannot deal with him.

He must be a great worry to her and whatever he did that caused the split is obviously a big unknown to you.  However, you could ask about this; it might give you a better idea of what to do.  

If he is mentally ill and has some kind of unstable personality disorder, then with the best will in the world she will not be able to control him or make him better.  She can only try to manage him while he is in her home and make attempts to keep him safe.  If therapy has not helped, then your girlfriend is dealing with a lot of heartbreak and stress.  You, as an 'outsider' do not have the emotional attachment that she has to her son, so if you are already feeling that you cannot bear to be with him, it would only hurt your girlfriend if you put yourself in that position.

I doubt that me saying that her son is suffering from a disability will make any difference to you.  I do not detect that you have any great compassion for him, as you see him as a failing adult who is leading an irresponsible life.  Your girlfriend may have a lot of compassion and love for him but still find him extremely difficult.  She will probably understand your reticence but will also be hurt.  I think you should be honest with her.  She knows what she is dealing with and she has no doubt experienced pain and rejection before due to her son's behaviour.  She may suggest that her son should stay in his own place rather than visit, but I doubt it somehow.  

I think your girlfriend needs your support not reticence here.  I can understand your reticence and I do not think that putting yourself in a position where conflict and upset is inevitable is a good idea.  You do not feel able to offer her what she needs unless her son is out of the picture.  That is not realistic is it?

Edited November 4, 2021 by spiderowl

[Pumpernickel]

Ughh that’s difficult. I’m so sorry you guys have to go through this. Her especially. Now that you’ve already moved in, I’m glad it’s going well, and I hope your commute isn’t too rough. I remember you said you used to live an hour apart.
 

Not a parent myself, so I can’t even halfway imagine how it must feel to go through something like that with an adult child. It must be very stressful for her, and also for you, trying to morally support her and stuff - that must be very hard on you as well, I suppose. When I hear these things, I’m always thankful for not being a parent. You really never know what can happen. You can be the best mom or dad, but some things are just out of your control. 

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

If convicted, will he have to register as a "Sex Offender"??

If he’s found guilty, sure. Felony sexual assault ain’t no joke. 

[chillii]

3 hours ago, OatsAndHall said:

1. We've been together for two years.

2. He's a 22 year old that is accused of felony sexual assault. 

Given these two points, I think I'm kosher. In fact, I think I'm keeping a pretty fricking clear head by saying I'll have something to do with him if he gets his act together. 

Thought the story was familiar but then saw 8mths somewhere anyway whatever it's still not long my thoughts still stand but eh, do as you will.

Edited November 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language in quote

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, OatsAndHall said:

Right now, he's out on bail, awaiting trial. I don't even know if a trial date has been set and I don't ask. His diagnosis remains unclear but it'll be awhile before that's addressed.

Hopefully he gets a maximum sentence and his mental capacity is not a mitigating factor.

Hopefully she's not financing any part of his defense and he'll have to use a public defender.

Who posted his bail? These are important questions because if you two live together and she's secretly funneling off money for his bail, defense, etc. It's an issue.

Also given your profession, having any remote association with your address (if you were to move in) and places listed as one of his addresses is bad news. As inaccurate as it can be, do a quick Google with his name.

Reflect on all this. Obviously she can't be 100% objective. She gave birth to this monster. As much as she may be aware of his wrongdoing, she's his mother.

Edited November 4, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Happy Lemming]

15 hours ago, OatsAndHall said:

This situation as made it easier to move in; his mother doesn't want him in the house and neither do I.

 

 

10 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

If he’s found guilty, sure. Felony sexual assault ain’t no joke. 

I have to agree with @Wiseman2, you don't want your address on the "Sexual Offender" registry. 

About 8-9 years ago, I took a month to month lease in a "Questionable" apartment complex.  I was in between house projects and needed a place to live for just a couple of months.  While living at this complex, I got a notice in the mail that a "Registered Sex Offender" (with his name and picture) had moved into the area (not at my apartment complex), but a few blocks away.  I didn't know that my State government sent out such notices to all of the surrounding addresses, until that day.

I can't speak to your state/locality, but if that is standard operating procedure for the "Sex Offender Registry", then don't want your neighbors receiving these type notices in the mail. 

[ShyViolet]

16 hours ago, OatsAndHall said:

This situation as made it easier to move in; his mother doesn't want him in the house and neither do I. The crime he committed forced her to realize that he had been driving a lot of decisions in her life. And, it made it easier for her to put some boundaries in place with him.

She may not want him at the house NOW, but that could change.  At the end of the day he's her son and he'll always be in her life and connected to her.  This really shouldn't make it easier for you to move in.  You should stay far away from this.