Talks of Moving in....

July 20, 2020

My gf and I have been together and I have been together for 8 months and things are going well. I've spent a great deal of time at her place this summer (I'm a teacher and live an hour away) and she's mentioned moving in together several times. She knows that it's nothing that will happen in the near future which is good because it keeps me from digging into a bad topic; her 20 year old son...

Her 20 year old son is unemployed, mentally ill, doesn't have a drivers license and prefers to spend his days smoking weed and playing video games. He doesn't live with her; he lives with his grandparents as she asked him to leave several years ago. However, he does stay at her place for a few days, from time to time and the thought of living with him (even for short periods of time) makes me cringe. She has done everything within her power to get him straightened out (therapy, psychiatry, youth challenge/boot camp, found him jobs which he promptly quit, etc..) and finally came to an impasse and kicked him out of the house.

Again, she does let him stay with her for a few days at a time as I know she doesn't want to become completely estranged from him. But, it's a struggle for everyone to be around him at times as he is incredibly immature, struggles with impulsiveness, and it's hard to overlook how poorly he is managing his life. I have a fair amount of patience but I can't be around him for very long before I need to leave. During the school year, I have little contact with him but I have been exposed to him quite a bit this summer. And, he did something involving one of her sister's families within the last few years that has driven a wedge between him and them. She's fairly open with me about his issues but she won't tell me what he did to cause such a large rift. That is concerning to me as it must've been something serious as few people in the family can handle him at his baseline for long.

So, I don't quite know what to do. The topic of us moving in together (potentially after next school year) came up again this morning and I smiled and nodded. We're talking about an event that -could- happen nine months from now so I don't necessarily feel the need to bring up her son. But, on the other hand, a part of me wants to be honest and tell her that I can't really handle living with the kid. I can muster up the patience for a a day and a night but I struggle beyond that.

Thoughts?

July 20, 2020

Just now, OatsAndHall said:

My gf and I have been together and I have been together for 8 months and things are going well. I've spent a great deal of time at her place this summer (I'm a teacher and live an hour away) and she's mentioned moving in together several times. She knows that it's nothing that will happen in the near future which is good because it keeps me from digging into a bad topic; her 20 year old son...

Her 20 year old son is unemployed, mentally ill, doesn't have a drivers license and prefers to spend his days smoking weed and playing video games. He doesn't live with her; he lives with his grandparents as she asked him to leave several years ago. However, he does stay at her place for a few days, from time to time and the thought of living with him (even for short periods of time) makes me cringe. She has done everything within her power to get him straightened out (therapy, psychiatry, youth challenge/boot camp, found him jobs which he promptly quit, etc..) and finally came to an impasse and kicked him out of the house.

Again, she does let him stay with her for a few days at a time as I know she doesn't want to become completely estranged from him. But, it's a struggle for everyone to be around him at times as he is incredibly immature, struggles with impulsiveness, and it's hard to overlook how poorly he is managing his life. I have a fair amount of patience but I can't be around him for very long before I need to leave. During the school year, I have little contact with him but I have been exposed to him quite a bit this summer. And, he did something involving one of her sister's families within the last few years that has driven a wedge between him and them. She's fairly open with me about his issues but she won't tell me what he did to cause such a large rift. That is concerning to me as it must've been something serious as few people in the family can handle him at his baseline for long.

So, I don't quite know what to do. The topic of us moving in together (potentially after next school year) came up again this morning and I smiled and nodded. We're talking about an event that -could- happen nine months from now so I don't necessarily feel the need to bring up her son. But, on the other hand, a part of me wants to be honest and tell her that I can't really handle living with the kid. I can muster up the patience for a a day and a night but I struggle beyond that.

Thoughts?

It really comes down to how much you like her. Obviously, her son will always be around in some capacity. Can you tolerate him forever? Can you handle the drama and nonsense that he will inevitably cause?

July 20, 2020

Sounds like you have a decision to make and, in fairness to her, sooner rather than later. Her son isn't going anywhere and it's unlikely your gf will want to cut him out of her life. So if being around the son for more than 1-2 days is a true deal-breaker for you, this is something to discuss. It would be different if it was any other family member but her child.

July 20, 2020

Table the issue until next Spring if you can. Meanwhile keep talking, keep getting to know each other. As you build a stronger foundation raise thornier issues. Have proposed solutions in mind & be willing to be flexible. Together you may come up with a solution that you haven't thought of

July 20, 2020

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Table the issue until next Spring if you can. Meanwhile keep talking, keep getting to know each other. As you build a stronger foundation raise thornier issues. Have proposed solutions in mind & be willing to be flexible. Together you may come up with a solution that you haven't thought of

This is a Catch-22 as there really isn't much of a solution to be had. She is well aware of his poor behavior and choices and struggles with him as well. She can't handle having him around for very long either. However, the kid really is really at a tipping point; he either pulls his stuff together and becomes a functional member of society or he ends up in jail without some support for her (that's not an exaggeration). I have a hard time bringing it up with her as I know she fights with this fact. He'll be turning 21 soon and I am keeping my fingers crossed that he sticks with weed and doesn't start drinking heavily. He will get himself into a world of chit if he becomes drunk as well as a pothead.

But, I won't lie, the thought of coming home from a long day's work and having him planted on the couch, stoned and playing video games really makes me cringe.

July 20, 2020

^ I agree with this above poster. I am not opposed to people moving in together by any means, I don't believe in it myself. However, I see people jumping into moving in together WAY TOO QUICKLY. After six months some people move in together and I think that is too soon (another woman let this guy who is pretty much this woman's son move in with her after knowing him for ONE WEEK - not kidding you). If you and your gf have been together for 8 months, you are still in infatuation. Remember, infatuation is going to wear off and then you're stuck with that person. And you better like that person - not love, just like them. And if you don't? You're in trouble. And I am just talking about your gf, not the son.

As for the son? Well, unfortunately I think you're in for a ride with him. I can only hope that he can and does outgrow certain things, but he sounds like he won't. He'll just continue to bounce place to place, job to job, relationship to relationship, etc. You also have to reach a point with him, like your gf did, when she had to say "It's not my problem", because, honestly, it isn't.

Best of luck with this. You will need it.

July 20, 2020

Oats, what type of mental illness does he suffer from?

My cousin was diagnosed with schizophrenia and there are some very nice group homes run by people who are experienced and medically trained to help guide them into society and become functional human beings.

That is where my young cousin is now, bless his heart, and he is thriving there! They make sure he takes his meds too.

Just a thought for your gf to consider, and you, because coping and living with a severely mentally ill person is very very difficult.

Wishing you the best of luck, tough decision!

Edited July 20, 2020 by poppyfields

July 20, 2020

I think you just have to set a boundary and stick to it. If you can handle one 24 hour period and that’s it, then it is what it is. Let her know, and then the ball is in her court. If she can’t guarantee that, then you break up with her. Just be cognizant that emergencies do happen so even if she does agree to only one day / month (or whatever you agree on) this could change.

Essentially you have to decide if she’s worth the occasional, and likely from time to time frequent, son drama.

July 20, 2020

1 hour ago, OatsAndHall said:

And, he did something involving one of her sister's families within the last few years that has driven a wedge between him and them. She's fairly open with me about his issues but she won't tell me what he did to cause such a large rift. That is concerning to me as it must've been something serious as few people in the family can handle him at his baseline for long.

This is concerning. If she's trying to get you to move in together, she should be open about his issues and actions so you have all the information and can make an informed decision.

With all this drama, it seems safer and smarter to maintain separate residences and gradually spend more time together in the same place. Going too fast can create so much tension and conflict that it becomes insurmountable and destroys the relationship. Nothing is lost by taking a more gradual approach. I say this as someone who tends to dive in myself, trying to learn from my mistakes.

Edited July 20, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

July 20, 2020

@mortensorchid

Yeah, I have no intention of moving in with her anytime soon. It has mainly come up because I've been spending more time at her place over the summer and we've grown to enjoy it. But, I don't take moving in together lightly for a variety of reasons. It's not something that I would consider until I get through the next school year. The relationship takes more time to develop before I go down that road.

@poppyfields

He struggles with depression and anxiety but refuses to treat them anymore. He's also ADHD which explains his impulsivity. He's not disabled and isn't in need of any extended treatment. In all reality, he needs to take responsibility for his life. IMO, he is seriously emotionally delayed; I see the same type of behavior out of middle school age children. But, again, it's nothing that can't overcome by simply deciding to grow up.

@Ruby Slippers

That particular situation bothers me as I know a great deal about the kid's past and his issues. It must have been something serious if she won't talk about it. She did assure me that nothing illegal happened but he must have seriously screwed up as he ducks and covers from most of her family. We had a family camping trip recently and he was a ghost for most of it.

July 20, 2020

Oh this is a tough one. I'm glad to see that it's not something you're thinking about doing right away, since I don't think 8 months is enough time. So if you're thinking end of school year, that's about a year away. Like another poster says, I would wait until spring to bring this particular subject up since a year is a long time. Things can change, your feelings for her can change, etc. So it's good that you're thinking about this now but just file it away until it really needs to be talked about.

I am curious if you've discussed or had thoughts about where you will live. If you are going to move in with her, consider the fact that even if you are splitting expenses, her son might look at it as 'his place also' if he's used to spending time there, has ever lived there, etc. I think you will be better off getting your own place together and then laying down some rules about how often he's allowed to visit, etc.

Boys mature much later in life and he is also under the influence so it's affecting his brain and thought process. My son doesn't have these exact issues but did go through a phase where he was smoking pot daily when he was around 19/20. He eventually quit to get into a school program and now (6 years later) has a great job. We sometimes talk about those days and he says that he was smoking so much pot that he wasn't thinking clearly and wasn't motivated to do anything. Back then, I was so tired of trying to help him and doing the things your gf has done (helped him get a job, helped get him into a school program, etc.) that eventually I just stopped and waited to see what he would do on his own. He eventually got his act together, went back to school and is now doing great. So the pot smoking is surely affecting his thought process and his motivation.

It's possible that given some time he will straighten himself out. If he doesn't, you're in this for the long haul and all you can do is set some boundaries around how many days a week you are comfortable having him at your place. This is why I think it's best that you get your own place together instead of moving into her place, because he will likely look at you as the man of the house and you can make demands like 'you can't live here, you can't come here if you are on drugs' and he might be more likely to listen to you than he will his mother.

I have a friend who has a son who is a bit of trouble sometimes, and her husband sets down the law at the house and he listens to him because it's a different relationship than the one he has with his mom.

You can't control him, you can only control your reaction to him.

July 20, 2020

Mentally disabled people do tend to develop their own habits, but the predominate tendency, especially with family, is to mimic. If, based on what you know of your girlfriend, her son is a mimic, meaning he shares her tendencies, then, he shares her tendencies!

If you cannot stand to live with her son, there is a large part of HER that you will also be unable to stomach, children are in our image.

July 20, 2020

Well if he doesn't live there, then why does he need to stay there sometimes for days at a time? If you are making plans to move in with her, you need to say that a boundary needs to be set where he does not stay at her house anymore. If she's not ready to do that, then don't move in.

July 21, 2020

If that was me rather than dragging it out it's a deal breaker or put off moving in for a few yrs just be honest and tell her you can't live wth him and wait a few yrs till his older and then re assess where everyone is if that doesn't suit her that's fair enough you gotta have some boundaries drawn otherwise U move in and become stressed and unhappy which is not a fair compromise or good for you

July 21, 2020

Doesn't matter what he did tbh it's family business , your still only a flash in time as at this stage and could be gone tomorrow anyway as far as a family goes so if they aren't comfortable telling you about it then that's fair enough that's their business . He would've been younger and even stupider at the time back when and just a kid anyway though so as useless as he still is , all that's sort of different really.

As far as moving in though sounds like it'd be didn't you say 9mths , could be a yr or whatever away yet anyway so who knows yet you might not even still be together by then. So me l'd be trying not to even bother with cart before the horse stuff right now anyway , you haven't been together long could even part ways or anything yet. l'd be thinking more about just her and us for now and are we what l want , happy, do l see a life with her and all that first of all. He's situation will be floating in and out of the equation along the way , these things have a way of just reaching their own conclusion anyway seems you've still got plenty of time . Can't expect her to not see him though and hopefully their relationship , and him too actually , will turn a corner at some stage later on, a parent is a lifetime journey , so is growing up.

Edited July 21, 2020 by chillii

July 21, 2020

9 hours ago, OatsAndHall said:

a part of me wants to be honest and tell her that I can't really handle living with the kid. I can muster up the patience for a a day and a night but I struggle beyond that.

Thoughts?

Be honest with her.. even if she's choosing not to be transparent with you.

He's going to be at your place smoking weed when you're not there and there won't be much you can say to him without riling her up.

Think long and hard about bringing that mess into your home because moving in with her is going to be a mess.

July 21, 2020

6 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

Mentally disabled people do tend to develop their own habits, but the predominate tendency, especially with family, is to mimic. If, based on what you know of your girlfriend, her son is a mimic, meaning he shares her tendencies, then, he shares her tendencies!

If you cannot stand to live with her son, there is a large part of HER that you will also be unable to stomach, children are in our image.

I am so struck by the cerebral nature of this response.. It truly made me probe several of the deeper intellectual boundaries of my conundrum. I do question the validity of your credentials and training as you referred to an individual with a mental illness as "mentally disabled" though. A diagnosis of clinical depression and/or anxiety, in fact, does not involve cognitive impairment of any kind.

But, hell, I'll just let that one slide... Please, continue to astonish the lot of us with your astute understanding of childhood development. Or, alternatively, you can stop posting on any thread I happen to put up as I have little patience for faux intellectuals who regurgitate whatever random fact they ran across in this month's edition of Scientologist Psychology Today. Please, say hello to Mr. Hubbard for me, will you?

Edited July 21, 2020 by OatsAndHall

July 21, 2020

41 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Be honest with her.. even if she's choosing not to be transparent with you.

He's going to be at your place smoking weed when you're not there and there won't be much you can say to him without riling her up.

Think long and hard about bringing that mess into your home because moving in with her is going to be a mess.

Yes, the drug use is something that I won't live around and she understands this. I have no choice but to tolerate him wandering into the alley and smoking weed at this point in time. But, I won't if I should move in with her. I'm not going to risk having any of my clothes or belongings smelling of pot.

July 21, 2020

9 hours ago, OatsAndHall said:

..... I'm not going to risk having any of my clothes or belongings smelling of pot.

Growing up in some of the circles i was in... I can tell you that "Pot" stink will linger FOR A VERY LONG TIME !!!!! even after you wash your clothes... it will just be part of the house, and you will pick it up again. The bad part is... your nose will start to ignore that smell (when it's light/weak) but people around you will pick up on it QUICK! I had a buddy in HS who I could smell 10 feet away, but he would put his shirt to his nose and say I was crazy. (when I would say he smelled bad)

Anyway.... I know this is a case of "Easier to say than do"... but you REALLY should not let this talk wait any longer. The thing is... he's an adult, and he needs to take care of himself. He is not your kid... and you can't be expected to deal with him. (on any level) I guess if I was in that situation... I would simply say... "I can't live with you as long as your son is in the picture." I know that REALLY sux... but you don't want to be pulled into his BS. not to mention... if you live somewhere where pot is illegal... eventually you will get busted for being too close. OR... you will get pulled over for a simple driving violation, or DUI check point, and the cop will smell it, and you will get searched HARD. I guess if you live where recreational pot is legal... it's not as big of a deal... but you would have to set ground rules of NO POT in the house you would share with your GF.

Good luck on whatever you decide.

July 21, 2020

@Blind-Sided

At this point, I've opted to push off the conversation for a bit. She understands that I have my issues with him as, to be blunt, everyone has an issue with him. I am going to see what evolves over the next year first as some of this could be resolved by that point. And, she knows that I won't tolerate his behavior: she's been warned that I have no issues correcting him if he's acting poorly towards me. That wasn't a pleasant conversation to have but it needed to happen as he may put me in that situation.

She began cutting his "visits" shorter after we had that talk; partly because he was being difficult towards her and she also came to the realization that he is having a minor impact on our relationship at this point. I shouldn't feel the need to inform her that I will call him to task if he's being difficult to me and she understands this. And, she also knows me; I won't be rude if he's behaving badly but he will assuredly be put in his place.

July 21, 2020

Am I the only one having a problem with girlfriend dumping her problem on her parents? He is a full time job and her parents are past the age of dealing with this sh$t.

July 21, 2020

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Am I the only one having a problem with girlfriend dumping her problem on her parents? He is a full time job and her parents are past the age of dealing with this sh$t.

I think it was a matter of her kicking him to the curb and he probably went to the grandparents on his own accord. Grandparents are usually very accommodating for their grandkids regardless of circumstances.

July 21, 2020

Delay moving in perhaps indefinitely. Right now you can escape to your place if it gets intolerable. If you move in, it won't feel like home. You'll feel stuck and comfortable.

July 22, 2020

14 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Am I the only one having a problem with girlfriend dumping her problem on her parents? He is a full time job and her parents are past the age of dealing with this sh$t.

Unfortunately, he was kicked out of her house as his behavior crossed the line from slovenly to violent at that time. He had been having adverse reactions to psychiatric medication and had become increasingly volatile and aggressive. According to her, he never become physically violent towards her but he did punch holes in the walls, break objects in the house, and was verbally abusive. She had enough of it one night and tossed him out. Since then, he has refused to take any psychiatric medication and no longer has the angry outbursts but a) there was damage done to their relationship that he hasn't worked to undo and b) his grandparents actually enjoy having him there.

I know she struggled with the current situation but she's doing what she can to keep him from being a vagrant while not enabling his behavior any further. The ball is in his court but he's not playing the game anymore.

July 22, 2020

I am afraid you present a problem with no solution. Some things are meant to be survived, not solved. You asked for thoughts, so here are mine. First, find out what happened with the sister's family. If you are contemplating sharing a full life with her, you need the facts. Second, accept that you cannot change him. I get it. You already know that. But it seems like emotionally you do not, since you cannot "stomach" him. It would be truly tragic if he were a fully evolved human being that simply chose to live like he does but he isn't, at least according to your description. He is fully formed today. So in a way, you can learn to accept that "Johnny" is just that way. When you truly get there, you'll no longer be unable to stomach him because he is just who he is. Third, how much of your disdain - if any - transfers to his mother? Do you find yourself respecting her less because of him? If not, great. If so, you'll need to unpack that before you consider moving in, even in a year. And fourth, I'd consider beginning to discuss your in-house boundaries with your GF now. It will be helpful to discuss what YOU do when he is there, including being in separate parts of the home or not participating - very long- in group conversations. I don't know the set up but perhaps you can find a way to be present without being involved.

Good luck.

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