GF and I fought last night she told me I'm too sensitive

[Fox Sake]

18 hours ago, guywithfeet said:

My gf and I have been together nearly two years, and things have been overall great. If you need more info, let me know and I’ll elaborate, but prior to our fight tonight I was feeling pretty burnt out of the relationship. I plan nearly every date, pay for everything (not something I mind doing), drive a long way to pick her up every time we hang out, and lately, mainly because of covid, things have felt platonic between the two of us. I’ve tried to make things a bit more romantic, but my gf doesn’t really take to it, and seems to be just happy with where we are right now. My gf isn’t as affectionate as I am, but she knows I like affection, and doesn’t give it out as much as I do, to the point that I sometimes feel she isn’t into me (which could be my insecurity, and not something I hold against her).

So I had all of that on my mind going into my date with my gf, as things have sucked lately, and the entire date was pretty much spent with my reassuring my gf that she wasn’t getting fat, and that I was super attracted to her. I then spent a full hour telling her how much better looking she was than all other girls I’ve ever dated in my life, with comparisons to them. We fooled around a little in my car before that comparison part, but she didn’t want to do anything for real (with a pretty legit reason). She called me cute a few times during our date today, In all fairness, but as always, I still felt like I was giving in to her needs. As I was driving her back to her place, I stopped at a fast food place for water, and she asked me to get her a Diet Coke. I had no issue with that, and got her one, but when I did she called me cute, and with all that in the back of my mind, plus the time I had just spent telling her about how much better looking she was than everyone before her, with no real reciprocation, i just felt that was exploitative of her & I rolled my eyes & she got really upset, calling me too sensitive, and said I always get upset over random things that don’t mean anything.

She definitely had a point there, and I agreed & apologized for being a jerk about it, and I think that insecurity does come from a lack of trust regarding Negative influence from the past. I had been there for 3 years, and quit a couple months before meeting the gf. I certainly am sensitive to an extent, but I don’t think that every time I react negatively it’s somewhat justified. I explained to her it felt a bit like a friend only complimenting her when she’d loan them money (obviously an extreme example) and she thought it was about that immediately. I have maybe spent about 10k on us since we started dating, and got upset that she honestly thought it was about money. I explained that because things have felt so stuck, I’ve been frustrated more than usual because I literally can’t get my needs met, and that reaction was probably some of that leaking out. I explained I love her so much, and this is just some of that passion manifesting negatively. We fought for a bit & she was super upset with me, so I brought her home & that was it for the night. Again, rolling my eyes was probably the wrong thing to do, but I feel in context anyone else would feel the same way do/did. I could definitely be wrong here, and so that’s why I’m asking for your takes on this whole thing. Thanks

OP I’m so sorry  

I know someone who sounds like her.... she sounds controlling and manipulative. And will use your good will and your heart against you. 
It sounds just like a power game of sorts so she can always be the one in control of you. Zapping your energy out of you.
 

I bet she never even lets you say how you’re feeling if you have an issue or are hurt,  without making you feel bad like it’s always your fault and your problem.   Yet she can tell you whatever the hell she likes and get away with it. Constantly beating you down. 

It’s already working too because you think you’re too sensitive , but that’s simply not the case. it’s abusive behaviour on her part. You’re just not compatible. 

I’ll tell you right now that she will NEVER see her own behaviour either. It will always be your issues that are wrong as far as she is concerned. 
 

edit - I’m not one to often tell people to leave , but this is a time I will say such things. You deserve to be treated better, and having been in a similar situation before I know it totally and completely wears you down. 

Edited July 20, 2020 by Fox Sake

[Versacehottie]

yes agree.  she is acting like a brat and getting away with it.  when you try to push back, she manipulates you into think you are being unreasonable or mean to her or unmanly and too sensitive.  It's almost like a parent/child relationship in some ways.  

There is this thing that when you try to change the dynamic of a relationship, most of the time, the "taker" or dominant person will resistant and have a reaction to try to keep the status quo. You should persist with what you want and creating a new pattern.  A lot of times a relationship (of any sort) will not survive this change of pattern---but the alternative for you is that you keep things the way they are and remain unsatisfied and have it chip away at who you are and your purpose in a partnership.  I think you deserve better.  It's just a matter of being willing to do what is hard or uncomfortable in order to get it.  

If you think about it like this, in a way it's a great test. If she won't meet you halfway on making sure you are equally happy in the relationship and that it's not all about her, you are just wasting time and spinning your wheels with her.  I mean, you certainly wouldn't want to go into marriage with someone where this is your "deal", would you?  There would be considerably more at stake and these are the unwritten things people "agree" to by letting them continue.  The alternative of continuing like this is not great at all. Good luck

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

lmfao, what does that even mean? You are too sensitive!

To me, what it means, is that shes got a pile of stinky bulls*** in her closet with your name on it, i'd run!

[guywithfeet]

15 hours ago, chillii said:

 

l'm just stuck on your still going on dates after 2 yrs, what the? BTW , if you must what does her highness do towards these dates anyway, anything ?

What do you mean by still going on dates? I personally love going on dates, and would get really bored if we just sat around all the time. My gf is still pretty peculiar about hanging around each other's families casually, which is annoying, but even still I'd want to be going on dates regardless. It makes things a bit mroe fun and exciting. I do plan abut 90% of them though.

[guywithfeet]

4 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

OP I’m so sorry  

I know someone who sounds like her.... she sounds controlling and manipulative. And will use your good will and your heart against you. 
It sounds just like a power game of sorts so she can always be the one in control of you. Zapping your energy out of you.
 

I bet she never even lets you say how you’re feeling if you have an issue or are hurt,  without making you feel bad like it’s always your fault and your problem.   Yet she can tell you whatever the hell she likes and get away with it. Constantly beating you down. 

It’s already working too because you think you’re too sensitive , but that’s simply not the case. it’s abusive behaviour on her part. You’re just not compatible. 

I’ll tell you right now that she will NEVER see her own behaviour either. It will always be your issues that are wrong as far as she is concerned. 
 

edit - I’m not one to often tell people to leave , but this is a time I will say such things. You deserve to be treated better, and having been in a similar situation before I know it totally and completely wears you down. 

Thanks for your sympathies. I can say with complete honesty that my gf doesn't ever talk down to me, or act abusively in that way. I'd be out in a heartbeat. She does nullify my feelings a lot when I am upset, and it is definitely a point of contention that annoys me, and rightfully so. I'm going to wait until the pandemic ends and make a decision then. Definitely not against leaving her if things don't get better though.

 

As an aside, I've just been  really busy but thanks to everyone who has read and posted in here, i'll be getting back to all of your comments today or tomorrow

[guywithfeet]

7 hours ago, SumGuy said:

I think your eye-rolling to be called "cute" was "too sensitive" but really we both know being called cute is not what it is all about, it's everything else you mentioned.  It's all just fermenting inside you and it now doesn't take much for something otherwise innocuous to bring it out.   I suspect in the moment you didn't want to explain that it was about more than the cute comment.

Not sure how much you have discussed feeling unappreciated and taken advantage of.  It's about both people meeting the needs of the other in a relationship.  Don't make it about good or bad, right or wrong, people have different needs and styles and in some cases they are just not compatible for a romantic relationship.

Sadly, I've had those conversations and the person on the other end almost never sees anything one-sided in things...after all they got everything they want and don't want a relationship to be work (for them).  The best thing for me, has been to have the open conversation, try for a time with real concrete things she can do.  Never gave an ultimatum but in almost every case nothing changes so then time to say not compatible and move on.  In my case never regretted moving on, if anything should have moved on sooner in many cases.  After a time you will get better at attracting those who reciprocate and hopefully such conversations are a thing of the past.  

Thanks for posting that; Yeah I definitely think a conversation needs to be had, or I'll have to cut ties with my gf. We've had this conversation a few times, and sometimes it's taken, and others it hasn't. If my gf is honestly snobby about giving me what I need because she thinks I'm unreasonable, then I'll be sure to let things end as they maybe should. ultimately I'll only know if I try to get some kind of resolution. Thanks for the advice!

[guywithfeet]

17 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

From that sentence alone, it sounds like, if anyone should be labelled "too sensitive," it's her. 

Overall, it sounds from your posts like you're in a one-sided relationship. No wonder you're feeling burned out. Like practically everyone else has said, for a relationship to work, there has to be some kind of reciprocity: give and take. That seems to be missing from your relationship. And it doesn't look like it can be addressed. If her response to your efforts to talk about this is to get upset and your response to her behavior is to immediately back down and shift to appeasing her, then this is what your relationship is always going to look like.

It's not sustainable. You're burned out. That means harm is being done to you. For your own sake, you need to end this. And something tells me it won't be that hard. If you simply stop showing up and calling, I strongly doubt she will move heaven and earth to reach out to you and to come to your place. 

That's the weird/annoying part. I dont text or call my gf, almost ever. I purposely refrain so things are on some sort of even keel, and she texts me a lot. She asks me to facetime a lot, etc. the problem is that it's all so... impersonal? For example, she'll send me memes & whatnot, or ask me to react to her favorite shows when we facetime. There's just no romantic element to it, and that's what makes me so uneasy. It's hard to be super angry because she tries to keep in contact with me frequently asks when we're going to hang out, etc. She just shows no romantic component to the interactions she desires with me, which just makes me feel worse. She seeks connection clearly, but I often feel that anyone else could be doing the exact same thing I am when with her and there wouldn't be a difference because it's just watching a show, or whatever it might be. I'm not sure that makes complete sense, but yeah she reaches out to me a lot, it's just that when she does it doesnt feel like we're datin, but rather that we're friends. I don't know how she's feeling, but that's how I feel sometimes, so that's another part of my frustration.

[guywithfeet]

11 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

She's a taker.  Plain & simple. 

If she doesn't drive & you always have to go get her, does she at least give you gas money for carting her butt around?  

She just sounds selfish, insecure & immature.  

If your needs aren't being met in the relationship get out of it. 

 

She doesn't drive, and I would never ask anyone for gas money. Just not my style, and really dislike when others do the same to me. A thank you would be nice, but I really don't expect much otherwise. A little appreciation matters more to me than anything material, but I just don't know what else to mention in bringing up my points here

 

If things don't get better then yeah I'm out.

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, guywithfeet said:

That's the weird/annoying part. I dont text or call my gf, almost ever. I purposely refrain so things are on some sort of even keel, and she texts me a lot. She asks me to facetime a lot, etc. the problem is that it's all so... impersonal? For example, she'll send me memes & whatnot, or ask me to react to her favorite shows when we facetime. There's just no romantic element to it, and that's what makes me so uneasy. It's hard to be super angry because she tries to keep in contact with me frequently asks when we're going to hang out, etc. She just shows no romantic component to the interactions she desires with me, which just makes me feel worse. She seeks connection clearly, but I often feel that anyone else could be doing the exact same thing I am when with her and there wouldn't be a difference because it's just watching a show, or whatever it might be. I'm not sure that makes complete sense, but yeah she reaches out to me a lot, it's just that when she does it doesnt feel like we're datin, but rather that we're friends. I don't know how she's feeling, but that's how I feel sometimes, so that's another part of my frustration.

i think that she is a girl who is all about herself and pretty immature.  In fact, this is exactly what I would have guessed she is like with you ^^^^ You are there to service her needs.  She can't be too bored, she will drag you along through her boring stuff, ie facetiming while watching shows--i mean, if you aren't interested as well then you are just a crutch for her while she meanders through her day.  She sounds super needy but it's just all about her.  It's not even really trying to lock you down in a certain way which is the way a lot of girls are needy because she's not worried you will go anywhere.  She's just jerking you through her daily need list like a prop.  

I think one way for you to look at it that will help you get really clear is to ask yourself if your ego is just having you hang in there until hopefully the tide turns back to where she is treating you like a romantic partner or if there's really a chance that she can rapidly switch back to a romantic partner? Like was she ever was truly that or just for a little  bit to hook you and then quit that.  Lol, I'm being funny but true.

In a little, very little, fairness to her she may be someone who "values" the friendship portion of a romantic relationship so much that she thinks this is fine.  Whereas you, need the romantic & affection to feel like you are loved.  Which then kind of goes back to an immature thing or her upbringing.  I would almost bet my life that her family is excessively indulgent with her in some way--not necessarily materialistically because they may or may not have have financial means, but I've also seen this family dynamic where one or more than one of the kids is prized to the extent that "they do no wrong" and actually they cause all sorts of needy, self-absorbed havoc.  They usually make terrible bf/gf/friends.  Then you meet the parent(s) and see this person does the same manipulating on them--it's kind of what they "know".  Usually none of the things they do as individual occurrences are so manipulative that it's awful but all these little ones add up because it's all about them, 24/7.  They aren't really too mean about it because they don't have to be but it's a pattern that slides in pretty easily and sticks.   Is that kind of what has happened?

Edited July 21, 2020 by Versacehottie

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, guywithfeet said:

That's the weird/annoying part. I dont text or call my gf, almost ever. I purposely refrain so things are on some sort of even keel, and she texts me a lot. She asks me to facetime a lot, etc. the problem is that it's all so... impersonal? For example, she'll send me memes & whatnot, or ask me to react to her favorite shows when we facetime. There's just no romantic element to it, and that's what makes me so uneasy. It's hard to be super angry because she tries to keep in contact with me frequently asks when we're going to hang out, etc. She just shows no romantic component to the interactions she desires with me, which just makes me feel worse. She seeks connection clearly, but I often feel that anyone else could be doing the exact same thing I am when with her and there wouldn't be a difference because it's just watching a show, or whatever it might be. I'm not sure that makes complete sense, but yeah she reaches out to me a lot, it's just that when she does it doesnt feel like we're datin, but rather that we're friends. I don't know how she's feeling, but that's how I feel sometimes, so that's another part of my frustration.

So, basically, you guys are incompatible? Because she really isn't meeting a basic emotional need you have. And people who don't have their fundamental emotional needs met in relationships typically end up miserable. The other person may be a sweetheart in other ways, but it ultimately doesn't make a difference because a fundamental emotional need is a fundamental emotional need. If she can't adjust her behavior to meet your fundamental need and you have to reduce certain forms of communication (that seem to matter to her) to maintain some kind of balance, it sounds like you're artificially propping up the relationship to keep it from collapsing. She's not able to play a role that you need your partner to play. So maybe she just isn't the one for you. Maybe she'll have a better understanding of how to navigate through a relationship with someone who is more similar to her?

Honestly, in the long run, if you keep sacrificing your need for reciprocity in order to stay in this kind of relationship, it's only a matter of time before the temptation to be a jerk towards her (or cheat on her) overtakes you. That would be tremendously unkind to her, much more unkind than ending the relationship.

Edited July 21, 2020 by Acacia98
Adding info

[Versacehottie]

lots of great points above by acacia...you two might just not be compatible or you've outgrown the relationship.

While i don't know that you would necessarily cheat, i do think it will or i think already has created a lot of resentment.  I think most if not all cases of resentment are rooted back into things not being "fair" or perceived as fair, ie there is an unbalance in the trade of what one gets for what they give.  

 

.

[guywithfeet]

10 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

So, basically, you guys are incompatible? Because she really isn't meeting a basic emotional need you have. And people who don't have their fundamental emotional needs met in relationships typically end up miserable. The other person may be a sweetheart in other ways, but it ultimately doesn't make a difference because a fundamental emotional need is a fundamental emotional need. If she can't adjust her behavior to meet your fundamental need and you have to reduce certain forms of communication (that seem to matter to her) to maintain some kind of balance, it sounds like you're artificially propping up the relationship to keep it from collapsing. She's not able to play a role that you need your partner to play. So maybe she just isn't the one for you. Maybe she'll have a better understanding of how to navigate through a relationship with someone who is more similar to her?

Honestly, in the long run, if you keep sacrificing your need for reciprocity in order to stay in this kind of relationship, it's only a matter of time before the temptation to be a jerk towards her (or cheat on her) overtakes you. That would be tremendously unkind to her, much more unkind than ending the relationship.

You're not wrong, and I might have to cut ties so that i don't have to do something I'd regret. I haven't thought about cheating at all, but I have looked into a lot of science that seeks to understand why people cheat, and I can honestly see why people do it (sometimes, and that isn't to say cheating is justified. I think it's the worst thing in the world, but I can understand it a bit better). 

 

I guess my last question or problem I'm having here is that I feel like an a**h*** for wanting the things i do, which is partially because of my gf, and partially because of me. She really doesn't help, but sometimes I feel the need to feel attractive is too vain, selfish, etc. and so when I do get resentful I also feel really selfish for wanting someone to want me romantically/sexually. I know it's not an unimportant/abnormal need, but acting on it or wanting it feels so exploitful. How do you get around this?

[Fox Sake]

19 hours ago, guywithfeet said:

Thanks for your sympathies. I can say with complete honesty that my gf doesn't ever talk down to me, or act abusively in that way. I'd be out in a heartbeat. She does nullify my feelings a lot when I am upset, and it is definitely a point of contention that annoys me, and rightfully so. I'm going to wait until the pandemic ends and make a decision then. Definitely not against leaving her if things don't get better though.

 

As an aside, I've just been  really busy but thanks to everyone who has read and posted in here, i'll be getting back to all of your comments today or tomorrow

I think that you can say with complete honesty that’s how you feel, but that’s not how it is.  
You’re literally making excuses for her saying that. 
This may sound harsh but you’re halfway to being a doormat and believing the things she says already. 
I look forward to your mindset 6 months after you’re over her. You’ll see exactly what everyone here is taking about crystal clear. I still stand by the fact that I’m sorry for you. I still stand by my post too.

That’s what happens when someone treats you like that for long enough and you bow down and bend to their every whim and criticisms. In their eyes you’re always wrong and have to improve. I’ve been there! Won’t ever put myself through that again either. 
 

34 minutes ago, guywithfeet said:

You're not wrong, and I might have to cut ties so that i don't have to do something I'd regret. I haven't thought about cheating at all, but I have looked into a lot of science that seeks to understand why people cheat, and I can honestly see why people do it (sometimes, and that isn't to say cheating is justified. I think it's the worst thing in the world, but I can understand it a bit better). 

 

I guess my last question or problem I'm having here is that I feel like an a**h*** for wanting the things i do, which is partially because of my gf, and partially because of me. She really doesn't help, but sometimes I feel the need to feel attractive is too vain, selfish, etc. and so when I do get resentful I also feel really selfish for wanting someone to want me romantically/sexually. I know it's not an unimportant/abnormal need, but acting on it or wanting it feels so exploitful. How do you get around this?

There isn’t a science to cheating. There is only dishonesty and disrespect.
It’s unhealthy and creates a great mindset for being paranoid and projecting your own insecurities and guilt right back on to your partner.  

Why do you feel like an a**h*** for wanting to be loved and respected? Stop. Can’t you see what she has done to your mindset? It’s not all all attractive and she sure as hell won’t respect you for it either. This girl is a total nut and because you’re a pacifist, she is totally getting away with it.

Find your fire , find your self respect and then find someone who will treat you equally with compassion and understanding. 
 

Edit - and before you think I’m being an arsehole towards you, I’m not. I mean that! I honestly want you to get out of this toxic situation , because you really deserve better and I want to help you, just the same as everyone else does

Edited July 21, 2020 by Fox Sake

[guywithfeet]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

I think that you can say with complete honesty that’s how you feel, but that’s not how it is.  
You’re literally making excuses for her saying that. 
This may sound harsh but you’re halfway to being a doormat and believing the things she says already. 
I look forward to your mindset 6 months after you’re over her. You’ll see exactly what everyone here is taking about crystal clear. I still stand by the fact that I’m sorry for you. I still stand by my post too.

That’s what happens when someone treats you like that for long enough and you bow down and bend to their every whim and criticisms. In their eyes you’re always wrong and have to improve. I’ve been there! Won’t ever put myself through that again either. 
 

There isn’t a science to cheating. There is only dishonesty and disrespect.
It’s unhealthy and creates a great mindset for being paranoid and projecting your own insecurities and guilt right back on to your partner.  

Why do you feel like an a**h*** for wanting to be loved and respected? Stop. Can’t you see what she has done to your mindset? It’s not all all attractive and she sure as hell won’t respect you for it either. This girl is a total nut and because you’re a pacifist, she is totally getting away with it.

Find your fire , find your self respect and then find someone who will treat you equally with compassion and understanding. 
 

Edit - and before you think I’m being an arsehole towards you, I’m not. I mean that! I honestly want you to get out of this toxic situation , because you really deserve better and I want to help you, just the same as everyone else does

First, no offense taken, at all! I'm actually really grateful for all the support everyone here has given me, it means a lot to me, and I'm happy to know I'm not crazy for the way i feel. I'd genuinely recommend reading the book on the science of trust and betrayal by John Gottman (I don't remember the title lol). It's actually a really good read and goes into why people cheat. He's a scientist that can predict with over 90% whether couples will stay together. Basically, if someone's emotionally deprived, they're likelier to cheat, which is what I meant, but I'd still never cross that line. 

 

I feel like an a-hole only because the conditions for being with my gf just aren't there right now. Doing it in a car has gotten beyond stale, is pretty uncomfortable, etc. I want to wait till COVID's gone so we can get our own room and see if she's actually into me or not. Emotionally,  work needs to be done, and we're gonna have a talk about it soon. If not, then I'm 100% ready to get out of this relationship

[Fox Sake]

I’ll look into that book! I think cheating is down to a few things and can be either number of reasons. But maybe there’s something I don’t know and might learn something.  
 

I think I’m gonna sign off here for tonight. I’ve spent 2 days climbing trees with very little sleep and I’m honestly shattered. I don’t feel like me or that my advice is very good today.  But I’ll check back on your thread tomorrow after some rest.

If you have that chat sooner than that,  then I wish you the best of luck! Either way I’ll check back tomorrow and see where you’re at! all the best 

7 minutes ago, guywithfeet said:

First, no offense taken, at all! I'm actually really grateful for all the support everyone here has given me, it means a lot to me, and I'm happy to know I'm not crazy for the way i feel. I'd genuinely recommend reading the book on the science of trust and betrayal by John Gottman (I don't remember the title lol). It's actually a really good read and goes into why people cheat. He's a scientist that can predict with over 90% whether couples will stay together. Basically, if someone's emotionally deprived, they're likelier to cheat, which is what I meant, but I'd still never cross that line. 

 

I feel like an a-hole only because the conditions for being with my gf just aren't there right now. Doing it in a car has gotten beyond stale, is pretty uncomfortable, etc. I want to wait till COVID's gone so we can get our own room and see if she's actually into me or not. Emotionally,  work needs to be done, and we're gonna have a talk about it soon. If not, then I'm 100% ready to get out of this relationship

 

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, guywithfeet said:

First, no offense taken, at all! I'm actually really grateful for all the support everyone here has given me, it means a lot to me, and I'm happy to know I'm not crazy for the way i feel. I'd genuinely recommend reading the book on the science of trust and betrayal by John Gottman (I don't remember the title lol). It's actually a really good read and goes into why people cheat. He's a scientist that can predict with over 90% whether couples will stay together. Basically, if someone's emotionally deprived, they're likelier to cheat, which is what I meant, but I'd still never cross that line. 

 

I feel like an a-hole only because the conditions for being with my gf just aren't there right now. Doing it in a car has gotten beyond stale, is pretty uncomfortable, etc. I want to wait till COVID's gone so we can get our own room and see if she's actually into me or not. Emotionally,  work needs to be done, and we're gonna have a talk about it soon. If not, then I'm 100% ready to get out of this relationship

is that the scientist who studies the facial expressions of couples?  I think i said on this thread about the disgust/respect with regard to the rolling of eyes.  It might have been that scientist or some similar one that was able to study only facial expression of couples in a controlled study and determine which ones would last.  They tracked the facial expressions used during the experiment like a very short 5-10 minute thing and were able to predict with accuracy which couples would last and the key factor was disgust/lack of respect face used during that time frame of the experiment.  It basically showed that the resentment had already settled into the relationship.  They took relationships of a variety of years for the experiment and then followed up a few years later.

i don't think you are being an a**hole about wanting physical/romantic connection with whoever you are dating.  Now that you say the car thing, maybe she is just not comfortable there.  So I guess just may sure you are being reasonable that it just isn't during the last 4 months of covid.  Personally i see a lot of other things in what you wrote that permeate the dynamic emotionally sooooo I think it's on the edge of the moment where you pull the plug on this one

I think she's into you---in a way that serves her.  If you remove that, or start pushing back, which you could do now, I don't think she will like it much.  More bratty behavior.  To be fair, this is a weird time overall.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

I’ll look into that book! I think cheating is down to a few things and can be either number of reasons. But maybe there’s something I don’t know and might learn something.  
 

I think I’m gonna sign off here for tonight. I’ve spent 2 days climbing trees with very little sleep and I’m honestly shattered. I don’t feel like me or that my advice is very good today.  But I’ll check back on your thread tomorrow after some rest.

If you have that chat sooner than that,  then I wish you the best of luck! Either way I’ll check back tomorrow and see where you’re at! all the best 

Your advice is always good Fox, don't doubt that for a second! 

Feel better.   xo

Edited July 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

Let things cool off. You sound frustrated. However do not talk about other girls or compare anyone. 

 

[guywithfeet]

18 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

is that the scientist who studies the facial expressions of couples?  I think i said on this thread about the disgust/respect with regard to the rolling of eyes.  It might have been that scientist or some similar one that was able to study only facial expression of couples in a controlled study and determine which ones would last.  They tracked the facial expressions used during the experiment like a very short 5-10 minute thing and were able to predict with accuracy which couples would last and the key factor was disgust/lack of respect face used during that time frame of the experiment.  It basically showed that the resentment had already settled into the relationship.  They took relationships of a variety of years for the experiment and then followed up a few years later.

i don't think you are being an a**hole about wanting physical/romantic connection with whoever you are dating.  Now that you say the car thing, maybe she is just not comfortable there.  So I guess just may sure you are being reasonable that it just isn't during the last 4 months of covid.  Personally i see a lot of other things in what you wrote that permeate the dynamic emotionally sooooo I think it's on the edge of the moment where you pull the plug on this one

I think she's into you---in a way that serves her.  If you remove that, or start pushing back, which you could do now, I don't think she will like it much.  More bratty behavior.  To be fair, this is a weird time overall.

it is that scientist, yes, and eye rolling is a killer for relationships, according to him. That's another reason why I felt bad, as I was doing something that is undeniably awful in terms of relationship health. Again, if this pandemic disappears and nothing changes, then I'm out of it for sure, assuming I can tolerate another couple of months of this. Also, being in a car does suck, and I understand why she doesn't like it, but making an effort to make sure I still feel wanted romantically otherwise would help. It's getting annoying going in for kisses only for her to swerve to her cheek, or kiss back for a second then pull away. Don't think I can do this any longer, especially because I'm a catch otherwise. No point in staying in this for much longer if I can't see any change

[Versacehottie]

6 minutes ago, guywithfeet said:

it is that scientist, yes, and eye rolling is a killer for relationships, according to him. That's another reason why I felt bad, as I was doing something that is undeniably awful in terms of relationship health. Again, if this pandemic disappears and nothing changes, then I'm out of it for sure, assuming I can tolerate another couple of months of this. Also, being in a car does suck, and I understand why she doesn't like it, but making an effort to make sure I still feel wanted romantically otherwise would help. It's getting annoying going in for kisses only for her to swerve to her cheek, or kiss back for a second then pull away. Don't think I can do this any longer, especially because I'm a catch otherwise. No point in staying in this for much longer if I can't see any change

well yeah eye rolling is a signal of disgust, resentment.  So yeah we are dealing with the fact that it's there. That you eye rolled doesn't mean it's the cause of problems, only a sign that the feelings that cause the problems are there.  So now you have to solve the problem. 

So did these problems just crop up during the pandemic? Or have they been building way before?  I'd give more of a break if they are just from now and all the pressure/change that the pandemic puts on everyone. Though still talk to her and see if you can observe her meeting you halfway.

I have a feeling if she gave the impression that she wanted you romantically and sexually even if hooking up in the car wasn't comfortable for her and she was resistant to that it would solve the majority of the problem, right?  She's rejecting small signs of your affection toward her which makes you feel rejected and like "why are you even in this?'.  What seems like a bigger problem with that is that even if lets' say she doesn't feel particularly like being touched because she feels fat or not liking something about herself, on some level, she has to be aware and concerned that rejecting your affection hurts you.  Most giving girlfriends would be.  You realize there is give and take and you don't want to do things that hurt your partner.  You try to compromise when each of your goals seem to be at odds or you make up for it in other ways, at other times.  This just goes back to how I see her as pretty immature, unable to see your point of view (or others), just self-centered.  That should be a dealbreaker--I'm sure you will find out soon enough which it is.

Why are you waiting until pandemic is over?  You know there are some speculations that it's going to go on for a crazy long time.  Like more than would be durable in an unsatisfying relationship.  I think you shouldn't base what you do on the pandemic but a reasonable time frame after you speak to her to make changes.  Idk, maybe 2 months? The reason is if you can't depend on your loved ones during more difficult times, why should they even be in your life in that way?  I mean the longer you prolong this, the more you will be getting used (in her way).  If you give her the excuse (or yourself) that it's from an outside event (ie the pandemic), you will also be able to outsource the things going wrong in your relationship and accept less than you deserve kind of kicking the can down the road into infinity. She will probably pick up on this and use it to her advantage.  I can her it now: "well I felt fat this past summer"; "well my job was really busy in the fall" and so on.   I have a feeling this one is good at making excuses. I mean she swiftly turned you expressing how she hurt you into making you feel inadequate & worrying to you hurt her, right? She's kind of good at this.  lol, I don't think she's evil.  I think she's been coddled in her life and that's the deal you guys have been doing as well.

[guywithfeet]

21 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

I’ll look into that book! I think cheating is down to a few things and can be either number of reasons. But maybe there’s something I don’t know and might learn something.  
 

I think I’m gonna sign off here for tonight. I’ve spent 2 days climbing trees with very little sleep and I’m honestly shattered. I don’t feel like me or that my advice is very good today.  But I’ll check back on your thread tomorrow after some rest.

If you have that chat sooner than that,  then I wish you the best of luck! Either way I’ll check back tomorrow and see where you’re at! all the best 

 

Hope you got some rest! thanks again for all your help

 

UPDATE: I saw my gf yesterday, and we went to a drive in theatre. She cuddled me a bit, but still pulled away every time I tried to kiss her, and showed no verbal affection with me, but was still sad when I had to go home, and has been texting me (random memes and whatnot) all day. She also invited me to an important family event, which was nice, but that didn't make the date itself any more fun. I'm so confused and lost, but more than anything worn out. Next time I see her I'll e having a chat with her to figure this all out once and for all.

[elaine567]

On 7/20/2020 at 1:19 AM, guywithfeet said:

lately, mainly because of covid, things have felt platonic between the two of us. I’ve tried to make things a bit more romantic, but my gf doesn’t really take to it, and seems to be just happy with where we are right now. My gf isn’t as affectionate as I am, but she knows I like affection, and doesn’t give it out as much as I do, to the point that I sometimes feel she isn’t into me (which could be my insecurity, and not something I hold against her).

 No sex. That is the problem. Their relationship has developed under the impression that he "owes" her for putting up with him when he was acting like a jerk early doors.
It probably worked as long a they were having sex but with the lack of sex due to the Coronavirus, he now feels his input is too much. 
Hence the burn out  and the frustration.
It is tempered by the fact he acknowledges she does her "bit" in the relationship, but he needs sex and he isn't getting it...
She seems perfectly happy with that and that is also aggravating the situation.
Now she is feeling fat and insecure... which may mean the lack of physical contact and sexual attention may be getting to her too...

On 7/20/2020 at 10:58 AM, Legatus said:

You used a metaphor and she attached to it straight away. Perhaps not the greatest example  you chose, cosidering you actually pay for everything but instead of getting humble she got upset

She saw it as a dig.
His rolling eyes opened hostilities and then he compounded it by bringing up money... 

[Versacehottie]

11 minutes ago, guywithfeet said:

UPDATE: I saw my gf yesterday, and we went to a drive in theatre. She cuddled me a bit, but still pulled away every time I tried to kiss her, and showed no verbal affection with me, but was still sad when I had to go home, and has been texting me (random memes and whatnot) all day. She also invited me to an important family event, which was nice, but that didn't make the date itself any more fun. I'm so confused and lost, but more than anything worn out. Next time I see her I'll e having a chat with her to figure this all out once and for all.

i'm guessing she likes looking to others as if she has a boyfriend (family, friends, social media) but treats it more like a friend.  It seems like she has some resentment too toward you or for some reason not affectionate (or only in little tiny bits)--whether it's justified, unjustified or resolvable is TBD. 

Good idea to talk to her!

[lurker74]

I didn't read all three pages when I started typing this so apologies if it's already been said. And take this with a grain of salt since I usually would not advise people to be aggressive, but you are way too accommodating. Call it beta, call it "too nice" or call it exhibiting too much femininity instead of masculinity (note that this is not a gender reference but an energy reference) but I would highly advise that the next time you have sex, take control. Obviously do not EVER cross any consent lines but within the bounds of consent, make her feel taken. Flip her over, pull the hair, kiss her hard and passionately. Tell her to do things and be vocal. 

Because unless you change how you're viewed in her eyes, I don't hold out much hope. Your story reads like Cameron from Ferris Beuhler's Day Off. How can a woman respect you when you do not respect yourself? 

If you read my post history, I am not out here advocating this often but I can't think of a faster way for you to change the dynamic than in bed. And if you can change it there, it can change everywhere. 

[guywithfeet]

10 minutes ago, lurker74 said:

I didn't read all three pages when I started typing this so apologies if it's already been said. And take this with a grain of salt since I usually would not advise people to be aggressive, but you are way too accommodating. Call it beta, call it "too nice" or call it exhibiting too much femininity instead of masculinity (note that this is not a gender reference but an energy reference) but I would highly advise that the next time you have sex, take control. Obviously do not EVER cross any consent lines but within the bounds of consent, make her feel taken. Flip her over, pull the hair, kiss her hard and passionately. Tell her to do things and be vocal. 

Because unless you change how you're viewed in her eyes, I don't hold out much hope. Your story reads like Cameron from Ferris Beuhler's Day Off. How can a woman respect you when you do not respect yourself? 

If you read my post history, I am not out here advocating this often but I can't think of a faster way for you to change the dynamic than in bed. And if you can change it there, it can change everywhere. 

You're probably right, but our sex life (when it existed) was fantastic in that sense. I'm very dominant in the bedroom, and I love taking control of her when we do actually have sex. I love making her submit to me, but I can't change the dynamic if every time i try to escalate it she tries to pull away because of discomfort from reason x y or z. My only other option here is to pull away without reason, which also seems counterproductive.