guywithfeet Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 My gf and I have been together nearly two years, and things have been overall great. If you need more info, let me know and I’ll elaborate, but prior to our fight tonight I was feeling pretty burnt out of the relationship. I plan nearly every date, pay for everything (not something I mind doing), drive a long way to pick her up every time we hang out, and lately, mainly because of covid, things have felt platonic between the two of us. I’ve tried to make things a bit more romantic, but my gf doesn’t really take to it, and seems to be just happy with where we are right now. My gf isn’t as affectionate as I am, but she knows I like affection, and doesn’t give it out as much as I do, to the point that I sometimes feel she isn’t into me (which could be my insecurity, and not something I hold against her). So I had all of that on my mind going into my date with my gf, as things have sucked lately, and the entire date was pretty much spent with my reassuring my gf that she wasn’t getting fat, and that I was super attracted to her. I then spent a full hour telling her how much better looking she was than all other girls I’ve ever dated in my life, with comparisons to them. We fooled around a little in my car before that comparison part, but she didn’t want to do anything for real (with a pretty legit reason). She called me cute a few times during our date today, In all fairness, but as always, I still felt like I was giving in to her needs. As I was driving her back to her place, I stopped at a fast food place for water, and she asked me to get her a Diet Coke. I had no issue with that, and got her one, but when I did she called me cute, and with all that in the back of my mind, plus the time I had just spent telling her about how much better looking she was than everyone before her, with no real reciprocation, i just felt that was exploitative of her & I rolled my eyes & she got really upset, calling me too sensitive, and said I always get upset over random things that don’t mean anything. She definitely had a point there, and I agreed & apologized for being a jerk about it, and I think that insecurity does come from a lack of trust regarding Negative influence from the past. I had been there for 3 years, and quit a couple months before meeting the gf. I certainly am sensitive to an extent, but I don’t think that every time I react negatively it’s somewhat justified. I explained to her it felt a bit like a friend only complimenting her when she’d loan them money (obviously an extreme example) and she thought it was about that immediately. I have maybe spent about 10k on us since we started dating, and got upset that she honestly thought it was about money. I explained that because things have felt so stuck, I’ve been frustrated more than usual because I literally can’t get my needs met, and that reaction was probably some of that leaking out. I explained I love her so much, and this is just some of that passion manifesting negatively. We fought for a bit & she was super upset with me, so I brought her home & that was it for the night. Again, rolling my eyes was probably the wrong thing to do, but I feel in context anyone else would feel the same way do/did. I could definitely be wrong here, and so that’s why I’m asking for your takes on this whole thing. Thanks :)
Versacehottie Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 I don't think you are being too sensitive AT ALL. Maybe this has run its course. It does sound unbalanced and you sound like a good boyfriend. Try to get the balance fixed--though i have to be honest if this pattern has been going on this long, it will probably be hard to change it. Maybe try before you walk away? Work on communication with each other. The hard thing is if you are both stating your needs but she isn't meeting you halfway what else can someone do? Then you are at a crossroads and must decide/move on. Good luck 4
Ami1uwant Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 One of my texts in early dating someone is the issue of do I have to plan and pay for all dates. You always need to go to her place. Pretty one sided. some women are fine taking the free ride and not put in much effort. sure there are ways she could be showing love to you. 2
Velvet teddy Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 1 hour ago, guywithfeet said: My gf and I have been together nearly two years, and things have been overall great. If you need more info, let me know and I’ll elaborate, but prior to our fight tonight I was feeling pretty burnt out of the relationship. I plan nearly every date, pay for everything (not something I mind doing), drive a long way to pick her up every time we hang out, and lately, mainly because of covid, things have felt platonic between the two of us. I’ve tried to make things a bit more romantic, but my gf doesn’t really take to it, and seems to be just happy with where we are right now. My gf isn’t as affectionate as I am, but she knows I like affection, and doesn’t give it out as much as I do, to the point that I sometimes feel she isn’t into me (which could be my insecurity, and not something I hold against her). So I had all of that on my mind going into my date with my gf, as things have sucked lately, and the entire date was pretty much spent with my reassuring my gf that she wasn’t getting fat, and that I was super attracted to her. I then spent a full hour telling her how much better looking she was than all other girls I’ve ever dated in my life, with comparisons to them. We fooled around a little in my car before that comparison part, but she didn’t want to do anything for real (with a pretty legit reason). She called me cute a few times during our date today, In all fairness, but as always, I still felt like I was giving in to her needs. As I was driving her back to her place, I stopped at a fast food place for water, and she asked me to get her a Diet Coke. I had no issue with that, and got her one, but when I did she called me cute, and with all that in the back of my mind, plus the time I had just spent telling her about how much better looking she was than everyone before her, with no real reciprocation, i just felt that was exploitative of her & I rolled my eyes & she got really upset, calling me too sensitive, and said I always get upset over random things that don’t mean anything. She definitely had a point there, and I agreed & apologized for being a jerk about it, and I think that insecurity does come from a lack of trust regarding Negative influence from the past. I had been there for 3 years, and quit a couple months before meeting the gf. I certainly am sensitive to an extent, but I don’t think that every time I react negatively it’s somewhat justified. I explained to her it felt a bit like a friend only complimenting her when she’d loan them money (obviously an extreme example) and she thought it was about that immediately. I have maybe spent about 10k on us since we started dating, and got upset that she honestly thought it was about money. I explained that because things have felt so stuck, I’ve been frustrated more than usual because I literally can’t get my needs met, and that reaction was probably some of that leaking out. I explained I love her so much, and this is just some of that passion manifesting negatively. We fought for a bit & she was super upset with me, so I brought her home & that was it for the night. Again, rolling my eyes was probably the wrong thing to do, but I feel in context anyone else would feel the same way do/did. I could definitely be wrong here, and so that’s why I’m asking for your takes on this whole thing. Thanks This is one sided. Relationships should always be about give and take. She just seems to take. And has got it really easy for sure. The least she could do is acknowledge your feelings about issues which arise. But she isn't even doing that. 1
ccas93 Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 first of all, it sounds you're projecting what's actually HER insecurity on to yourself. She's the one that needs to hear for a whole HOUR about she's more attractive than other girls you've dated (big red flag in of itself) and that's she's not getting fat. She should be apologizing for being a jerk to you. You sound like way too nice of a guy for her and she's been taking advantage of your understanding, empathetic nature. I suggest to give her the dumping she deserves. 6
Author guywithfeet Posted July 20, 2020 Author Posted July 20, 2020 1 hour ago, enigma32 said: It really does sound like you are the one putting in the work here and she is just kinda there, if you know what I mean. If she has always been this way, then you should have known what you were signing up for. Are you unhappy or just venting? Do you feel unappreciated? Do you love her? I was posting this mainly for advice or opinions, but to vent a bit as well. I also wanted to get takes on me rolling my eyes at my gf, because I feel like it was a bad thing to do, but I'm not sure if my reaction was that different compared to how someone else might act if they were me. I do love my girlfriend, but yes I feel very unappreciated, but more than that, I'm just frustrated in that communicating this is nearly impossible without it sounding like I'm trying to keep score or something. It feels like a lose-lose no matter what I do, so I wanted to see mainly what other people might think, if that makes sense. 1
Maldives Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 Mate sounds like your a door matt pick her up drive to hers pay for everything what exactly does she bring to the relationship her presence lol? Not an even keel and yes you have every right to feel the way U do because you do that's saying something 5
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 Where is this going? Do you want to be a husband and father someday? This doesn't sound like the right foundation for that. If you're already feeling unappreciated as a boyfriend, it'll only get worse once you've taken vows "till death do you part." I get the impression you only put up with this because you're afraid you can't find someone who treats you well. If that's the case, you need to improve your self esteem. Nobody respects a doormat. 1
Mystery4u Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 My ex was very very similar. I felt very unappreciated in a lot of ways, and every time I brought up an issue I was told I kept being negative and I was being too sensitive. I tried to make it work but just spending time together wasn't fun anymore. I finally ended it as it was the right thing to do for both of us. Now I have a new girlfriend and every day she reminds me how lucky she is to be my girlfriend and have me in her life. She appreciates everything I do for her and treats me like a King and just wants to make me happy. Keeping her for life! You don't need to stay in an unhappy relationship, someone better for you is out there too. 2
Author guywithfeet Posted July 20, 2020 Author Posted July 20, 2020 3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: Where is this going? Do you want to be a husband and father someday? This doesn't sound like the right foundation for that. If you're already feeling unappreciated as a boyfriend, it'll only get worse once you've taken vows "till death do you part." I get the impression you only put up with this because you're afraid you can't find someone who treats you well. If that's the case, you need to improve your self esteem. Nobody respects a doormat. I do want to be a father and husband one day for sure; yeah gonna have to consider the future on this one. I’m not still with my gf out of fear at all. I’m confident in my looks and ability to attract someone, but I’m really grateful to my gf for putting up with me when we started dating (I was a huge jerk but have really progressed), and the fact she not only accepts but goes out of her way to accommodate for my life threatening food allergies even when I’m not around does make me feel grateful in a sense. I know that doesn’t negate what I mentioned in my post at all, but I do feel it’s a huge part of what is keeping me in this relationship
Author guywithfeet Posted July 20, 2020 Author Posted July 20, 2020 3 hours ago, Goodguy05 said: Mate sounds like your a door matt pick her up drive to hers pay for everything what exactly does she bring to the relationship her presence lol? Not an even keel and yes you have every right to feel the way U do because you do that's saying something Not this simple but yeah you have a point. My gf doesn’t drive & starts a job in a few months, but she does 100% of the texting and asks me to facetime her a lot. I don’t do either of those things much so she’s got me beat in that way, it’d just those aren’t as important to me as actual affection, physical affection, and the stuff I mentioned before but it’s probably not fair to say she does n o t h i n g yknow?
Author guywithfeet Posted July 20, 2020 Author Posted July 20, 2020 3 hours ago, enigma32 said: @guywithfeet I think that rolling your eyes at her is kinda immature and definitely not really a good way to handle your issues. With that said, based on your description of things here, it does sound like you are being unappreciated and maybe she just isn't as into the relationship as you are. Either way, if you aren't happy, and communication has failed you, I think instead of rolling your eyes you need to decide if this is what you want out of a relationship. I gotta say man, my GF now treats me like royalty and if for some reason things don't work out with her, I could not go back to being with someone that treats me the way your GF does you. Good for you on your successful relationship! Having a hard time even defining what a good gf is right now but you have one, what would you define that as?
chillii Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 (edited) l'm just stuck on your still going on dates after 2 yrs, what the? BTW , if you must what does her highness do towards these dates anyway, anything ? Edited July 20, 2020 by chillii
Acacia98 Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 7 hours ago, guywithfeet said: I rolled my eyes & she got really upset, calling me too sensitive, and said I always get upset over random things that don’t mean anything. From that sentence alone, it sounds like, if anyone should be labelled "too sensitive," it's her. Overall, it sounds from your posts like you're in a one-sided relationship. No wonder you're feeling burned out. Like practically everyone else has said, for a relationship to work, there has to be some kind of reciprocity: give and take. That seems to be missing from your relationship. And it doesn't look like it can be addressed. If her response to your efforts to talk about this is to get upset and your response to her behavior is to immediately back down and shift to appeasing her, then this is what your relationship is always going to look like. It's not sustainable. You're burned out. That means harm is being done to you. For your own sake, you need to end this. And something tells me it won't be that hard. If you simply stop showing up and calling, I strongly doubt she will move heaven and earth to reach out to you and to come to your place. 1
Legatus Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 9 hours ago, guywithfeet said: I explained to her it felt a bit like a friend only complimenting her when she’d loan them money (obviously an extreme example) and she thought it was about that immediately. I have maybe spent about 10k on us since we started dating, and got upset that she honestly thought it was about money. This stood out to me. You used a metaphor and she attached to it straight away. Perhaps not the greatest example you chose, considering you actually pay for everything but instead of getting humble she got upset. Because she knows it's true and probably the harsh metaphor was spot on. We all have different dynamics in relationships but you noticed it already, to me it seems like you are just there to entertain and pay, but get nothing in return. She also doesn't seem to have any remorse at all and tries to put everything back on you. That alone screams WTF!? to me. If I were to put some bets on this, I would say your frustration will get bigger and deeper. You will try to bring it up and it won't work, regardless whether the moment you choose is a good or a bad one. She will be defensive until you can't handle it anymore. Perhaps there are still chances here but I think you'd have to get some distance. Don't drive, don't pay, don't organise. See how long before she kicks off that she's not getting anything. If she does that instead of realising she was hurting you all this time - that's your cue to get out All the best mate! 1
Velvet teddy Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 4 hours ago, guywithfeet said: Good for you on your successful relationship! Having a hard time even defining what a good gf is right now but you have one, what would you define that as? Someone who doesn't make you feel unwanted and puts you in a negative mood for a start. 1
Ami1uwant Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 7 hours ago, guywithfeet said: Not this simple but yeah you have a point. My gf doesn’t drive & starts a job in a few months, but she does 100% of the texting and asks me to facetime her a lot. I don’t do either of those things much so she’s got me beat in that way, it’d just those aren’t as important to me as actual affection, physical affection, and the stuff I mentioned before but it’s probably not fair to say she does n o t h i n g yknow? Trsponding to her text or FaceTime with her are selfish on her part. as I asked...what does she do for you other than sex?
d0nnivain Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 She's a taker. Plain & simple. If she doesn't drive & you always have to go get her, does she at least give you gas money for carting her butt around? She just sounds selfish, insecure & immature. If your needs aren't being met in the relationship get out of it. 6
Versacehottie Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 11 hours ago, guywithfeet said: I was posting this mainly for advice or opinions, but to vent a bit as well. I also wanted to get takes on me rolling my eyes at my gf, because I feel like it was a bad thing to do, but I'm not sure if my reaction was that different compared to how someone else might act if they were me. I do love my girlfriend, but yes I feel very unappreciated, but more than that, I'm just frustrated in that communicating this is nearly impossible without it sounding like I'm trying to keep score or something. It feels like a lose-lose no matter what I do, so I wanted to see mainly what other people might think, if that makes sense. I think she NEEDS some good eye rolling and you need to stop rolling over to her every whim and coddling her. You really, perhaps TOO, nice if you think you are bad because you rolled your eyes. That said, one of the best predictors of if a couple will make it is level of respect and disgust, which you have to be careful with rolling eyes is a signal of that. So if you are super serious with it and often it can be damaging but if you are putting her back into her place cause she is just too much and whining, I think it's fine now and then. She needs a reality check and to know she pushes it too far--you might have to try to get through to her via several methods. Good luck 3
smackie9 Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 This is why we date...to see if they fulfill your expectations. You sat around and waited for 3 years for her to change, by you trying to correct things with her. Should have had this figured out a couple of dates in that this is the way she is. You can't throw money and good dates at someone to get better results.
kendahke Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 7 hours ago, guywithfeet said: I do want to be a father and husband one day for sure; This woman isn't the one who should be making that happen for you. As soon as the children are in place, they will replace you in all things emotional. All she'll need you for is to bankroll her lifestyle. Her behavior right now is telling you that. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 8 hours ago, guywithfeet said: I’m confident in my looks and ability to attract someone, but I’m really grateful to my gf for putting up with me when we started dating (I was a huge jerk but have really progressed), and the fact she not only accepts but goes out of her way to accommodate for my life threatening food allergies even when I’m not around does make me feel grateful in a sense. I know that doesn’t negate what I mentioned in my post at all, but I do feel it’s a huge part of what is keeping me in this relationship No, it certainly doesn't negate your feelings. If you were a jerk in the beginning and have gotten past that, then it should be behind you. You don't have to make up for that forever. I'm afraid I agree with others that this woman is only going to drag you down. I think you can do better. Sorry. 1
dangerous Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: She's a taker. Plain & simple. If she doesn't drive & you always have to go get her, does she at least give you gas money for carting her butt around? She just sounds selfish, insecure & immature. If your needs aren't being met in the relationship get out of it. 100% what Donnivain and others have said. She seems a princess/ insecure. And you are bending over backwards, enabing her. Toxic. You need to move on. Just my opinion. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 35 minutes ago, dangerous said: She seems a princess/ insecure. And you are bending over backwards, enabing her. Toxic. You need to move on. Just my opinion. I agree. Also, it takes two to tango. People don't get pulled unwillingly into these dynamics. Each person plays a part. So consider why you're playing the part you're playing. Hopefully next time you won't recreate the same dynamic.
SumGuy Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 15 hours ago, guywithfeet said: I was posting this mainly for advice or opinions, but to vent a bit as well. I also wanted to get takes on me rolling my eyes at my gf, because I feel like it was a bad thing to do, but I'm not sure if my reaction was that different compared to how someone else might act if they were me. I do love my girlfriend, but yes I feel very unappreciated, but more than that, I'm just frustrated in that communicating this is nearly impossible without it sounding like I'm trying to keep score or something. It feels like a lose-lose no matter what I do, so I wanted to see mainly what other people might think, if that makes sense. I think your eye-rolling to be called "cute" was "too sensitive" but really we both know being called cute is not what it is all about, it's everything else you mentioned. It's all just fermenting inside you and it now doesn't take much for something otherwise innocuous to bring it out. I suspect in the moment you didn't want to explain that it was about more than the cute comment. Not sure how much you have discussed feeling unappreciated and taken advantage of. It's about both people meeting the needs of the other in a relationship. Don't make it about good or bad, right or wrong, people have different needs and styles and in some cases they are just not compatible for a romantic relationship. Sadly, I've had those conversations and the person on the other end almost never sees anything one-sided in things...after all they got everything they want and don't want a relationship to be work (for them). The best thing for me, has been to have the open conversation, try for a time with real concrete things she can do. Never gave an ultimatum but in almost every case nothing changes so then time to say not compatible and move on. In my case never regretted moving on, if anything should have moved on sooner in many cases. After a time you will get better at attracting those who reciprocate and hopefully such conversations are a thing of the past. 1
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