Blondegirl89 Posted July 19, 2020 Share Posted July 19, 2020 So I’ve been chatting and had 2 really nice dates with this guy. We both got on really well. The first date was actually meant to be a hook up but it ended up turning into a date, we cuddled for a bit and I was pushing towards sex, he told me he really liked me and wanted to see me again so we should take things slow and get to know each other. anyway, we had our second date, it was fun. We laughed, joked, talked for 3 hours, his body language gave me the impression he was enjoying himself as well. I’ve dated my fair share of a-holes and I’m really trying my best to weed them out but there are 2 things now I’m concerned about and would love to hear your thoughts on them to see if I’m over reacting or not. #1 For our second date, it was a dinner he wore a T-shirt, sweatpants and runners. All nice and clean etc but very causal. I dressed up for it. I’m not sure if that’s kind of an I don’t give a crap about you thing? For me I always dress up for dates so I was a little shocked by his appearance. #2 We met on a dating app, but he added me on Instagram and we eventually swapped numbers. I have no issues or anything with him being on a dating app we only had 2 dates so he can’t swipe away to his hearts content. But what I do have an issue with is that he blocked me for no reason. Not on the phone or Instagram but the dating app. I had a friend check to see if he was still on it. He is. I can’t understand why he blocked me on the dating app. I’d assume if he wasn’t interested he’d have blocked my number/ Instagram first not the dating app. thoughts anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blondegirl89 Posted July 19, 2020 Author Share Posted July 19, 2020 Also before anyone mentions it’s just been 2 dates calm down. I understand it has only been 2 dates, I’m just more concerned about the blocking. we matched on 2 other dating apps which I checked and we still are matched on so I can’t figure out this one. Maybe I’m just over reacting but I feel like it’s odd to block someone from one app but not the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
ccas93 Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 what app was it? Bumble? The only reason why I'd ever consider doing this is so you can't check up on me and my location and see if I'm still using the app. Some girls will get mad and call you out if they think you're still using the app after two dates. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 (edited) 31 minutes ago, ccas93 said: what app was it? Bumble? The only reason why I'd ever consider doing this is so you can't check up on me and my location and see if I'm still using the app. Some girls will get mad and call you out if they think you're still using the app after two dates. the other concern is maybe he doesn't want 'bumble" or whatever app's notifications popping up while he is dating someone else. I can only guess that maybe he was further along with someone than you or likes someone better that he would like to give a chance too. If he receives a IG or FB message during a date it's less obvious what he's been up to. OP, I think he dressed down on the second date because you wanted to hook up fully on the first. No reason for him to try to put a ton of effort in. And he may not see you as gf material though he doesn't mind staying in some contact with you. It is the way some guys think--that's just reality. Good luck Edited July 20, 2020 by Versacehottie 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Velvet teddy Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Blondegirl89 said: Also before anyone mentions it’s just been 2 dates calm down. I understand it has only been 2 dates, I’m just more concerned about the blocking. we matched on 2 other dating apps which I checked and we still are matched on so I can’t figure out this one. Maybe I’m just over reacting but I feel like it’s odd to block someone from one app but not the rest. It's pretty simple. Hes checking out other women and doesn't want you to know that or interfere with it. Also if you're interested in dating someone long term don't show them youre that easy and want to hook up after meeting the person once. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 That's actually pretty common. It avoids the usual "is he/she still active on the app?" 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 Your post is contradictory. You say you have dated your fair share of ***holes and want to weed them out, but you were pushing for sex on your first date. That's not a way to weed them out, rather to attract them to you. If you give it up that easy, we (men) will assume you are like that to every guy and it will very much lower your value in our eyes. You will then be seen as just a bit of fun and nothing serious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blondegirl89 Posted July 20, 2020 Author Share Posted July 20, 2020 8 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: Your post is contradictory. You say you have dated your fair share of ***holes and want to weed them out, but you were pushing for sex on your first date. That's not a way to weed them out, rather to attract them to you. If you give it up that easy, we (men) will assume you are like that to every guy and it will very much lower your value in our eyes. You will then be seen as just a bit of fun and nothing serious. I agree, however I wasn’t expecting a date to come out of it. I thought it was just going to be a hook up nothing more. I’m not worried if he thinks I’m easy. I know I’m not. If I’m dating someone I don’t sleep with them until I’m sure of them. This however was just meant to be some fun and he wanted to start dating. He asked me not the other way around. I posted because I wasn’t sure, why he didn’t bother putting an effort into his appearance and blocked me on bumble. So I guess I now know he now thinks I’m easy. So I’ll just leave him be and let him come to me if he wants to pursue this further. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 As the others said, he probably doesn't want you (or others he might be seeing) to message him on the app when he's out with other women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
N0TH1N6L3FT Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 His wife could have found his dating profiles, and even though you know where to contact him, the wife blocked all his matches. Or she confronted him, and he had to delete his app. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) On 7/20/2020 at 12:06 AM, Blondegirl89 said: For our second date, it was a dinner he wore a T-shirt, sweatpants and runners Yes he may just be a casual kind of a guy, but he may indeed be married or attached. "Just going out for a run honey, I will be back in a few hours" I would take the fact he blocked you as a reason to strike him off your list. Edited July 23, 2020 by elaine567 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 As the others have said , It’s plain and simple. He wants to continue seeing you for his own reasons but wants you to think he isn’t on the app anymore. This is typical on-the-back-boiler behaviour. Why not just say to him “my friend found you on the app we met. Why did you block me?” Even better if you can get one of your friends to match with him and you’ll know exactly where you stand. I would feel really bad if that was me doing that to someone. I would be worried about my Karma! if I met someone I liked and thought there was a chance if something there then I would say after a few days that I was going to delete the app and see where things go. He can’t commit or even have a chance of allowing himself to do that if he’s busy window shopping for other people. So chances are, and it’s unfortunate, that you just aren’t compatible with him. Treat others as you would like to be treated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dangerous Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) OP, I think you need to reassess your values.. You say you're not easy? But you sleep with someone on the first date/ hookup! Sorry to call it like it is. Edited July 23, 2020 by dangerous 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 5 hours ago, elaine567 said: Yes he may just be a casual kind of a guy, but he may indeed be married or attached. "Just going out for a run honey, I will be back in a few hours"I would take the fact he blocked you as a reason to strike him off your list. 1000% Agree ^^^^^ to the bolded. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 On 7/20/2020 at 1:30 AM, Blondegirl89 said: I agree, however I wasn’t expecting a date to come out of it. I thought it was just going to be a hook up nothing more. I’m not worried if he thinks I’m easy. I know I’m not. If I’m dating someone I don’t sleep with them until I’m sure of them. This however was just meant to be some fun and he wanted to start dating. He asked me not the other way around. I posted because I wasn’t sure, why he didn’t bother putting an effort into his appearance and blocked me on bumble. So I guess I now know he now thinks I’m easy. So I’ll just leave him be and let him come to me if he wants to pursue this further. If it was supposed to be just a hook up that is why he didn't put much effort into his dress. If you knew it was only going to be a hook up why did you dress up? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blondegirl89 Posted July 29, 2020 Author Share Posted July 29, 2020 So I’ve got an update on this whole situation. I didn’t message him at all, I left him be as I said I would. He reached out a day or 2 later asking if I wanted to go for pizza. I replied saying “sure I could never say no to pizza” and then he dropped the bomb. Before we meet I need to tell you something. He said the reason he can’t get closer to me is because of his ex. Apparently when he moved here she was meant to move with him but she didn’t and he doesn’t think she will. He went on to say that he feels guilty getting closer to me because he is still somewhat emotionally attached to his ex. He said, if I wanted to stop talking all together or to start as friends first that he would be happy to do that. I said I wouldn’t mind trying the friends thing but that I wouldn’t wait around and would continue to date *This isn’t 2 exes trying to be friends in case anyone jumps on me about that* so it’s, funny since, he was honest with me and explained why he was acting distant he has completely changed his behaviour, he asks to meet all the time, we hang out laugh, like we really have a lovely time together. I’ve never felt more comfortable around a guy before, I wonder is that because we aren’t dating but growing a friendship. so all this aside is it a smart decision to continue or would you recommend cutting ties as he still has stuff to sort out with his ex? he also said he blocked me because he didn’t like seeing me on the site. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 2 minutes ago, Blondegirl89 said: He said the reason he can’t get closer to me is because of his ex. Apparently when he moved here she was meant to move with him but she didn’t and he doesn’t think she will. He went on to say that he feels guilty getting closer to me because he is still somewhat emotionally attached to his ex. he also said he blocked me because he didn’t like seeing me on the site. I wonder is that because we aren’t dating but growing a friendship. If all you want is friendship, fine. But this is not an ex and he didn't want her to see him on dating sites. If you want a bf, he's clearly not offering that. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: this is not an ex I agree, he is in a relationship with her and he has you on the side. You are getting invested, which is a bad thing as he is not available to you. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Blondegirl89 said: He said the reason he can’t get closer to me is because of his ex. he also said he blocked me because he didn’t like seeing me on the site. Big red flag. This would be enough for me to not see someone anymore. He's just buttering you up with pleasant dates, so you will overlook these things. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 i think you need to be really careful that you aren't filling the emotional hole that she left behind. Basically he did meet you via a dating app & he knows you are attracted to each other, so he definitely gets the ego boost from hanging around with you. I think you need to protect your heart from the fact that while it's great to have a solid friendship as the base to build a relationship, what is the motivation for him to move things forward with you? I think you've developed a friendship but at least in the back of your mind (correct me if I'm wrong) you hope that it will evolve as he heals from his heartbreak. Maybe he even does as well. The thing is you need to test that theory and at the same time minimize your risks that you are not wasting your time or setting yourself up for heartbreak. The best way to do that IMO is to actually date other guys. I would not suggest throwing it in his face or perhaps he doesn't even need to know immediately. But you should give yourself a chance for that as well & be honest if he was to ask. That gives him a catalyst to step up & GET OVER HIS HEARTBREAK. Sticking around to sooth him (even if he is not super obvious about it or even aware that he is doing that) will diminish your value in his eyes. Basically if a girl compromises what she wants so much so that she is putting her life on hold, and chucking her values out the window, a guy (a good one, presuming he is because so far it sounds like it) is not likely to come around at all. It isn't impossible at all,. The only thing is you have to play the "game" properly. That goes as most things in dating: you have to be your own best advocate for the life you want and your own goals--you don't put them aside on the hope of what could be. So I think you should keep talking to him of course as much as it's not cutting into your priorities and you dating others. You have to manage your emotions & expectations & ACTIONS so you are doing the best for yourself. Which is not to continue blindly. If he really cares & plans to date you in the future, I think he will come around BUT you can't just be hopeful. You have to take things as they ARE and in really time. Don't pin your hopes on some future that he is far from laying the groundwork on--in actuality. Let's be real at the moment, it's the groundwork for a great friendship. Anything else, you'd need to see evidence of, like significant evidence. Hopefully I'm making sense. I think it's possible of course but don't want you to invest in what it could be, only what he is giving you so far. Don't forget, his taking a step back is a slight rejection (of the dating idea) so he has no problem putting himself first & you should do the same. I can kind of believe his reason for blocking you on the dating app but it could also be a lie--again, either way, it shows he's putting himself first. Do the same: put YOURSELF first. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Blondegirl89 said: Apparently when he moved here she was meant to move with him but she didn’t and he doesn’t think she will. He's filling time until she arrives. Do not get attached or too involved. Edited July 29, 2020 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blondegirl89 Posted August 8, 2020 Author Share Posted August 8, 2020 So another update, I decided to take a step back and I asked him was he interested in anything with me and he said no. he said yes he’s having hook ups with Other girls but it’s just sex as he doesn’t want a serious relationship at the moment and the reason he won’t have sex with me is because it will become more than. I can’t figure out what “more than just sex” means. anyway I’ve decided not to become friends with him. I’ll be friendly of course but that’s about as far as I’ll go. I believe in taking a man for his word and he clearly doesn’t want a relationship with me so I’m fine by that. But I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want sex with me. I’m guessing the “more than just sex” is just a polite way of saying I don’t find you attractive. Surely most men would love to have a bit of fun with someone they like and in fairness I wouldn’t mind having a friends with Benefits situation either. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2020 Share Posted August 8, 2020 21 minutes ago, Blondegirl89 said: I believe in taking a man for his word and he clearly doesn’t want a relationship with me so I’m fine by that. But I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want sex with me. I’m guessing the “more than just sex” is just a polite way of saying I don’t find you attractive. Bingo. You're Friend Zoned. He likes your company but doesn't have a romantic attraction toward you. There is zero reason to keep this guy in your life in any capacity. "Friends" included. He will disappear when he meets the next woman he wants to date, or goes back to his ex. Time to be done with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 8, 2020 Share Posted August 8, 2020 3 hours ago, Blondegirl89 said: So another update, I decided to take a step back and I asked him was he interested in anything with me and he said no. Ok now you can block and delete him ans all his people from all your messaging apps, social media and your life. Get to a doctor for STD testing if you have nonexclusive sex with promiscuous men. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 9, 2020 Share Posted August 9, 2020 On 8/8/2020 at 5:35 AM, Blondegirl89 said: So another update, I decided to take a step back and I asked him was he interested in anything with me and he said no. he said yes he’s having hook ups with Other girls but it’s just sex as he doesn’t want a serious relationship at the moment and the reason he won’t have sex with me is because it will become more than. I can’t figure out what “more than just sex” means. anyway I’ve decided not to become friends with him. I’ll be friendly of course but that’s about as far as I’ll go. I believe in taking a man for his word and he clearly doesn’t want a relationship with me so I’m fine by that. But I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want sex with me. I’m guessing the “more than just sex” is just a polite way of saying I don’t find you attractive. Surely most men would love to have a bit of fun with someone they like and in fairness I wouldn’t mind having a friends with Benefits situation either. Well it could be a variety of things and a combo of thoughts on his end. *He might feel like you get attached easily and doesn't want the drama *He also might feel like you get attached easily and doesn't want to hurt you because he genuinely doesn't want a relationship *He doesn't want a relationship and really doesn't give AF what you think *Perhaps he's not attracted to you in general or when you hooked up, he's not feeling sexual chemistry with you *It's the simplistic thinking that has got you in trouble with part of this. "not understanding why he wouldn't want sex with me" is problematic. A, if he was only into it for the chase, you already gave it up--so that part was a fail. B, something that is readily and easily available most often becomes LESS attractive not more. So I don't mean to insult you but I think being easy on the first date and continuing to want to give it up, makes you less appealing. You aren't showing that you are valuing access to yourself so why should he? I'm assuming that you found out this answer pretty much the second time because you were in some way in a position to offer it up--whether it was said directly by you or indirectly, he was turning you down. You put a decent amount of emphasis on the thought he probably 'doesn't find you attractive". Too simplistic. I've seen objectively gorgeous/very pretty/hot women have your same mentality and be in the exact same position. Whereas not as objectively pretty/hot women value themselves and access to themselves more and have no problem consistently having guys interested. It's basically in the attitude. If you are throwing yourself at him and fine with a lesser offer ("ok he doesn't want to date me, i'll settle for FWB, ok he doesn't want FWB, I'll settle for just being close to him or in his presence and let him know i'm available if & when he changes his mind"), then a guy loses interest. They don't want a girl that ANY guy can get. I know you will say that's not true or not how you acted toward him but you have to realize that in his mind that is the perception & what these type of offers convey. Even if it's something that is not said, guys (people) can tell. Not trying to make you feel bad for your choices or insult you but it is how it goes in a lot of guys' minds. You can change how you act to be more in line with making a guy put more effort in in advance of all that OR cycle through guys that hold this thought pattern for guys that aren't opposed to sex on first date/FWB and either of those situations turning into a girlfriend. Also if you don't want a relationship yourself right now, you could just keep searching for another FWB--though keep in mind, lots of guys think exactly like this one. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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