BF feels scared when thinking about marrying me

[Ambereyes]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Why did you move in together? I would not move in with someone without knowing we're heading toward a future together. 

I think moving in together made him realize he's not ready to settle down and this is his warning to you. If I were you I'd move out and tell him it was a mistake to move in, that you both need to 'date' still. Moving in together with a man that does not feel deep in his heart 'this is the one' is a trap for any woman. You'll invest your heart, time, money, you'll cook, clean, nurse him, you'll give him everything while he's not seeing you yet in his future? F that!

Just to be clear, are you saying move out but still in a relationship with him? Or move out and break up 

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, Ambereyes said:

Just to be clear, are you saying move out but still in a relationship with him? Or move out and break up 

Move out and keep dating him as keep being in a relationship and let the relationship mature and grow stronger. 

People move in together when they know they're with the right person, they don't move in together because they don't know and it's like a test. Moving in together is a transition that can be difficult so you need to feel you're with the right person to make it work. In my eyes you are both too young and have not dated long enough to be moving in together. We're  not in 1950 anymore when women needed to go from under their father's wing to under a husband's wing. What was the rush! Get your own place, move in with girlfriends, enjoy being young!! and don't be so in a hurry playing wify and thinking home ownership. Live life first! travel together, enjoy your youth and your energy, you have the rest of your life to be trapped in paying a mortgage, insurances, and municipal taxes!

[h0000]

......

Edited July 19, 2020 by h0000

[introverted1]

13 hours ago, Ambereyes said:

When we moved in it was a way to see if we can be a forever thing. He thought by living with me he would know it’s either “not working -break up” or “working-marriage”.

This is not the reason to move in with someone, imo.

The fact that he thinks living together will tell him if things are working or not is weirdly misguided.  How is it that he doesn't already know if things are working?

Unless there are clearly defined other terms (that you are on board with), you should only move in as a step in your commitment to each other, not as a test.  What happens if 9when) he realises in 3 months that it's not working?  Who moves?  How does the other pay for the place?  Are you both on the lease?

 

[d0nnivain]

Your guy is absolutely right about not buying a house together right now.  It's harder to get out of a mortgage then a marriage. 

Since he said he will deal with his fears, let him!  Again he's working through change & being candid with you about his fears.  That is a good thing.  He's talking.  He's sharing.  He's trusting.  

If he hasn't come to terms with his issues in a few months then it may be time to move out & break up. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I think it could go either way - either he's feeling some jitters about the commitment of moving in together and will work through them... or he's not sure you're the one and that's the deal.

I agree it's unwise to move in with a man before he's clarified his feelings about the future. I wouldn't move in with a man unless we were engaged. I'd spend a great deal of time together, but wouldn't make that official leap unless we'd decided to make it official in all ways.

But now you're in it, and it tends not to work to go backwards, so I guess see how it goes.

Though you say you're not thinking about marriage, I would advise you to consider whether you want to have kids eventually. Marriage is, of course, the best framework for raising kids, so if you want that, it's important to be on the same page. Also, while women are having kids later now, I'd advise a woman to try to get that started before age 30 if possible, for fertility and child health reasons.

[Redhead14]

Moving in together without knowing what each other's long-term life goals are overall is your first mistake.  But, now that he's been getting all the benefits of being married without being married, why take that leap?  If you want to be married by next year or in two years, whatever your time frame is, and he doesn't have that kind of plan or vision, you should get your own places and hit the reset button.  He needs to figure out what he wants for himself first.  Had he ever lived on his own before moving in with you?  Did you?  Had either of you had any quality, long-term relationships prior?  

[smackie9]

What I would have done was, took his hand look him in the eyes and say "Getting married and all that future stuff hasn't even crossed my mind yet...lets just take this one day at a time, OK?"..then smile.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

Moving in together without knowing what each other's long-term life goals are overall is your first mistake.  

I first moved in with a guy at a point when I didn't know what I wanted to do next week let alone for the rest of my life.  Marriage was waaayyyy off in the future for some day.  If somebody mentioned kids to me I changed the subject.  At some point maybe 5 years in I started to want more.  The fact that he "didn't believe in marriage" ultimately caused me to break up with him but it was good while it lasted.  Honestly, if I hadn't pushed for that "piece of paper" which is really so much more, I have no doubt that we'd still be living together in that same apartment (because he still lives there). 

If the guy was committed enough to live together because he loved the OP that is enough.  It's different if you are moving in together for the wrong reasons like solely to save money.  

As long as people are open to the idea of more that is enough in the beginning.  I applaud the BF for speaking about his fears & concerns.  

[Ambereyes]

I cleared my thoughts and talked to him again and asked him the questions people here were asking. To my best understanding he means when we moved in he was 25, thought he'd be ready in 26. Now he is 26, he realized he isnt quite there yet. He denied ever using the words "doubts " or "scares"  because he wanted to express himself in a positive way. But I turned everything very negative in my own mind. 

To my best understanding he feels things are moving so fast now and he wants to slow down a little. He says he wants our relationship but he also misses freedom (living by himself) sometimes. But he also thinks maybe he will mature up soon and we'll just be happily ever after. No one knows but he wants to assure me whatever happens, doesn't reflect on his commitment to this relationship. He never wanted to just quit.

I dont need to marry now, I dont have to live with him either. Our relationship did grow stronger while living together and I dont mind moving out tbh because we will be just as happy in the relationship. But I never hear couples moving in then out and then happily marry.  So I want to know can relationships work when they go backwards ? Is our relationship definitely doomed because it encountered uncertainties? 

 

 

Edited July 24, 2020 by Ambereyes

[DKT3]

Doubt is a natural progression.  I think your lucky in the sense that you have a man willing to share his true feelings.  That's no small thing. 

 

Men tend to be more likely to doubt marriage,  largely based on the FACT that men usually don't fantasize about being married,  also because we hear horror stories about how bad it can be if it fails and we get stuck paying for it monetarily. 

As far as going backwards,  well that's more likely to be the beginning of the end. Did he actually ask you to move out, or did you come up with that?

Again,  I think it's a good thing he shared his feelings and is open with you. That's something that you can build on. Just be patient and don't just to conclusions or make assumptions about his intentions. 

[Ambereyes]

I asked, because he says he sometimes feels he wants to just bring home his mates for a game night or just get drunk with friends and pass out, but he cant do it when I'm there . So currently he is not 100% sure he wants to give all that up already, at 26. So naturally, I think if I move out he can still do that.

If it's a fact that men tend to not dream about marriage, then he is just being completely normal here? And if it's all normal, why is it more likely the beginning of the end? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ambereyes said:

I asked, because he says he sometimes feels he wants to just bring home his mates for a game night or just get drunk with friends and pass out, but he cant do it when I'm there . So currently he is not 100% sure he wants to give all that up already, at 26. 

You need to move out. He wants a frat boy life and you are pushing for something he has no interest in. You are wasting your time playing house and acting like his mom.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Ambereyes said:

If it's a fact that men tend to not dream about marriage, then he is just being completely normal here? And if it's all normal, why is it more likely the beginning of the end?

Because in taking this backward step, where he gets to be single again basically, there is no room for you. You are in a "filler" relationship.
He wants to free wheel with you until the right one comes along or he feels like he is ready to settle down.
At 26 that is fine for him, he has all the time in the world, if it all ends at 30, even 35, 40... no problem, but you could waste a lot of "fertile" time here to no avail.
I know you are in no hurry either but better to wait around with a guy who is interested in settling down  than a guy who has a lot of wild oats to sow still.

[Ambereyes]

I think the whole point is that he is interested in settling down /open to the idea but he is not ready to do it now. 
He is not looking around to sow his wild oats or waiting for something better to come alone he assured me. And I trust him.
Also it’s rude to conclude just because we live together , I ,the female, must be acting like his mom. 
 
I hope people stop making assumptions and just stick to facts and discuss 

[Mystery4u]

5 minutes ago, Ambereyes said:

I think the whole point is that he is interested in settling down /open to the idea but he is not ready to do it now. 
He is not looking around to sow his wild oats or waiting for something better to come alone he assured me. And I trust him.
Also it’s rude to conclude just because we live together , I ,the female, must be acting like his mom. 
 
I hope people stop making assumptions and just stick to facts and discuss 

Been there done that, in his exact position of not wanting to give up single life.

He does not want to give it up for you. 

When the right person comes he will very easily give it all up.

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, Ambereyes said:

I dont need to marry now, I dont have to live with him either. Our relationship did grow stronger while living together and I dont mind moving out tbh because we will be just as happy in the relationship. But I never hear couples moving in then out and then happily marry.  So I want to know can relationships work when they go backwards ? Is our relationship definitely doomed because it encountered uncertainties? 

I know all types of couples, some live togehter, some don't , some live together part time, name it. There are several life styles and couples adjust to what makes them happy. I know a couple that bought a duplex and she lived downstairs and he lived upstairs! They made it work like that for years. 

Your boyfriend wants a different life style and thumbs up for him to be honest with you. He could have done like many other men and just endure it untill everything blows up in your face. 

 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

When the right person comes he will very easily give it all up.

He's 26 years old. Being 26 has nothing to do with when most of us were 26. Nowadays you're lucking your 26 year old has moved out of your house. 

[Gaeta]

OP: What was both your situation before moving in? Did you both move out of your parents for the first time?

Edited July 24, 2020 by Gaeta

[Ambereyes]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OP: What was both your situation before moving in? Did you both move out of your parents for the first time?

I lived with various housemates since 22. He moved out 23 and been living by himself for 2 yrs and then just with me. We both had long term relationships prior to this but first time living with the SO 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Ambereyes said:

I think the whole point is that he is interested in settling down /open to the idea but he is not ready to do it now.  

Sounds reasonable.  Just don't let it go on too long. 

I lived with a guy for 10 years in my 20s & early 30s, basically wasted my child bearing years on him.  At 1st I was OK because I didn't want more then right now but as I started to long for forever & marriage he fed me a line of BS about marriage being a just a piece of paper & him not believing in the institution.  It really did a number on my head.  Don't be me.  

[schlumpy]

Be the best GF you can be and if the time comes when you want more and he doesn't you can call it quits knowing you put your best effort in.

Unless you can divine the future it's the best you'll be able to do.

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Ambereyes said:

He is not looking around to sow his wild oats or waiting for something better to come alone he assured me.

He's not?

6 hours ago, Ambereyes said:

he says he sometimes feels he wants to just bring home his mates for a game night or just get drunk with friends and pass out, but he cant do it when I'm there

Attached /married guys bring friends home, they get drunk they even pass out, but he can't have you there for a reason...
I suggest he can't bring other women home with you there...

[introverted1]

4 hours ago, Ambereyes said:

I think the whole point is that he is interested in settling down /open to the idea but he is not ready to do it now. 
He is not looking around to sow his wild oats or waiting for something better to come alone he assured me. And I trust him.
Also it’s rude to conclude just because we live together , I ,the female, must be acting like his mom. 
 
I hope people stop making assumptions and just stick to facts and discuss 

To be open to something at some undefined future date simply means you haven't ruled it out. 

But it also means you are not committed to it.

So the ball is in your court, amber.  If you are ok with a wait-and-see approach to which direction your bf ultimately takes, then you should stay put.  But if you are looking for a guy who is committed to you in the long run, he's not there. And there's no way to know if he ever will be.  It sounds to me like he wants to keep you around while he decides, which is very different from where you seem to be.  Are you ok with that?

 

[d0nnivain]

I didn't realize you had already been living together for a while.  If he hasn't come to terms with where you are going by the time you have to renew your lease, maybe it is time to be done.