Ambereyes Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 We have been together for 1.5 years and recently moved in. Last night we were randomly talking and somehow he told me he’s given some thoughts about long term commitment with me( marriage, mortgage, family, kids etc) and feels scared about it, scared he may change his mind in the future. The thought of being with me forever stresses him, as he doesn’t know thats what he wants yet. To clarify, I never said I want to get married or anything like that. He is completely thinking about these things on his on terms (no pressure from anyone). I don’t expect a ring, but when I hear that he’s scared, stressed , unsure, I still feel upset. I don’t know how to process it info. Is it a normal jitter or Is it a concern? He said he’s opening up his feelings and asked me not to overthink it, and he doesn’t mean what I think he means. He says he wants to live with me, he loves me, but why do I feel like once you have doubts, then this is not meant to be? He will eventually realise this is not what he wants and break up with me? Anyone had similar experience during a relationship? How did you manage and what happened later?
Maldives Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 Hard to say what will happen and I can't blame you for feeling the way you do. Wow hard one to give advice on it'll come down I guess to you and how you process how he's feeling about this. Not great advice lol I know but just being as factual as I can. Just take it a day at a time and see how you feel. 1
Mystery4u Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 Scared he might change his mind in the future? That right there is a VERY big concern. Only times I have felt like that is when I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to commit to a girlfriend for life. So I did the right thing for her and broke up with her. You have been together for 1.5 years... moved in together... he should not be feeling like that. Personally this would be a deal breaker for me. After all this time he should be feeling like he never wants to lose you, wants to be with you forever. He should KNOW how special you are, that there is nobody else like you, and being with you forever is what he wants. Him saying he doesn't mean what you think he means is complete BS. That's him realising if he loses you he will be alone again, and the thought of having nobody is worse than the thought of being with you. Ultimately it is up to you but you are completely right, once the doubt is there, it is not meant to be. Instead of waiting for him to break up with you, you should break up with him so you can find someone that appreciates you for you and can't wait to spend the rest of their life with you! 4
Author Ambereyes Posted July 19, 2020 Author Posted July 19, 2020 So according to you, every couple should marry after 1-2 years otherwise they should break up ?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 How old is he, OP? (and you?) What's his relationship history like? I would be concerned, speaking from personal experience. I heard the same thing from an ex once, after a couple years together and after having moved into together. I thought that perhaps they were normal doubts about moving forward in life but it turned out not to be the case. We split for good a couple years after that initial talk. As for this, "The thought of being with me forever stresses him, as he doesn’t know thats what he wants yet.", well, there's not much other other way to interpret what that means. Saying it doesn't mean what you think it does is an excuse, because he knows it hurt you to hear that. All you can do is decide how long you can stay knowing he's so uncertain about a future together. He might move past it, or he might not. Give yourself somewhat of a mental timeline to see if things improve. If not, then you will have a difficult decision to make. 3
Author Ambereyes Posted July 19, 2020 Author Posted July 19, 2020 Well his exact words are “ I want to make sure this is definitely what I want before I make you long term promises. “ and “ longer time may help me make sure this is definitely what I want “ We are mid 20s
Mystery4u Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 54 minutes ago, Ambereyes said: So according to you, every couple should marry after 1-2 years otherwise they should break up ? Err what? Who even mentioned the word marriage? After 1-2 years and having moved in together, yes every couple should know whether they want to be together long term or not.
Author Ambereyes Posted July 19, 2020 Author Posted July 19, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: Err what? Who even mentioned the word marriage? After 1-2 years and having moved in together, yes every couple should know whether they want to be together long term or not. Long term commitment I mean, marriage, or de facto , or having kids together, just any kind of “marriage”. sorry I thought i was clear Edited July 19, 2020 by Ambereyes
chillii Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 (edited) You were very clear don't worry, couldn't believe you even added that in the first one , marriage means marriage mostly. Anyway , only 25 , if your ok with it then let him take his time and want this for himself if he's going to .l know your not pushing him but 25 is very young for a guy these days no need to rush right now. Edited July 19, 2020 by chillii
Mystery4u Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 28 minutes ago, Ambereyes said: Long term commitment I mean, marriage, or de facto , or having kids together, just any kind of “marriage”. sorry I thought i was clear OK. Still doesn't change anything. This is someone who after 1.5 years feels 'The thought of being with me forever stresses him'. A relationship is supposed to build over time, get better and better, wanting to spend time together, LOVING spending time together. Do you really want to be with someone who gets stressed at the thought of being with you forever? One of his feet is out of the door already. Up to you if you want to wait around until the second foot is out too.
Velvet teddy Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 5 hours ago, Ambereyes said: We have been together for 1.5 years and recently moved in. Last night we were randomly talking and somehow he told me he’s given some thoughts about long term commitment with me( marriage, mortgage, family, kids etc) and feels scared about it, scared he may change his mind in the future. The thought of being with me forever stresses him, as he doesn’t know thats what he wants yet. To clarify, I never said I want to get married or anything like that. He is completely thinking about these things on his on terms (no pressure from anyone). I don’t expect a ring, but when I hear that he’s scared, stressed , unsure, I still feel upset. I don’t know how to process it info. Is it a normal jitter or Is it a concern? He said he’s opening up his feelings and asked me not to overthink it, and he doesn’t mean what I think he means. He says he wants to live with me, he loves me, but why do I feel like once you have doubts, then this is not meant to be? He will eventually realise this is not what he wants and break up with me? Anyone had similar experience during a relationship? How did you manage and what happened later? It could be a normal jitter or he could end up dumping you, but then again do you want to hang around to find out what it really is? I think one and a half years is most definitely a long enough time to know if he wants to be with you long term (marriage specifically). I mean people can decide that six months in even. In other words he's saying you're not the one. 2
Realitysux Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 He could have worded it much different and just said he wasn't ready for marriage. If he wasn't sure this was what he wanted, he shouldn't have moved in with you.
Fox Sake Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 (edited) I’ve felt exactly the same way as your bf did in many of my past relationships. As a male I believe it comes down to age. Women generally mature faster than men, men don’t have that biological clock ticking away so they believe they can hold their options open. What really opened my eyes to the way things should be, was watching my youngest brother meet his now wife. They have the most beautifully sickening relationship! They love each other unconditionally and couldn’t ever see themselves being with anyone else. Totally and completely smitten and dedicated to each other. It shows. They support each other through anything and everything and their relationship is constantly getting stronger and stronger. It’s made me and my middle brother realise that’s what true love is. So my final thoughts on this are that your bf is simply too immature to handle a serious relationship and is just using it to pass the time or convenience. edit - not to mean he doesn’t love you, because I’m sure he does. But I would take that as a red flag of sorts that he’s not sure if he knows if he wants to spend his life with you. Edited July 19, 2020 by Fox Sake 1
d0nnivain Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 In my 20s the thought of being with somebody forever, being saddled with a mortgage & having kids made me sick to my stomach. Those are huge life saving responsibilities & anybody who isn't daunted by them isn't thinking this through. The people who go running into this without a plan without careful thought are the ones who screw it up. If somebody mentioned those ideas to me I would have bolted on the spot & I was living with somebody. It wasn't him. It was the idea. They are big ideas & the statistics aren't great. You have only been dating 1.5 years. You are young. You just made one huge change in your relationship. Give the guy a break. When he expresses fear of the future, instead of getting upset, reassure him. Take the pressure off. Say something like "Honey I love you but we just moved in together. We don't have to plan the rest of our lives today. Let's just settle in to living together. We can talk about forever in 6 months or so. For now let's focus on today. I love the fact that you are thinking about the future but we're not there yet." Let him know you have his back even when he's feeling unsure. Be happy that he felt secure enough to express fear to you instead of keeping it inside, letting it fester & poisoning everything. He's being a thoughtful guy. Even if it's not what you want to hear, it's honest. That's a good thing. Give him space to get settled & time to learn that he can build something with you as partners. 5
Fox Sake Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: When he expresses fear of the future, instead of getting upset, reassure him. Take the pressure off. Say something like "Honey I love you but we just moved in together. We don't have to plan the rest of our lives today. Let's just settle in to living together. We can talk about forever in 6 months or so. For now let's focus on today. I love the fact that you are thinking about the future but we're not there yet." This is actually really good advice. I feel tho that it’s almost giving him fear of loss and switching the roles of not being sure. Psychologically , it’s very clever. It could make him act irrationally tho , because people always want what they can’t have and when they realise they can, they lose interest! Short term it’s a great thing to do but I think in the long term it may backfire. Or may work out in OP’s favour and the bf will realise that he does want to spend his life with her. Not dismissing what you’ve said at all, because everyone is different. But looking at my youngest brother and his wife , it really did make me stop and think about what a strong relationship should look like Edited July 19, 2020 by Fox Sake Add a bit
Mystery4u Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 19 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: In my 20s the thought of being with somebody forever, being saddled with a mortgage & having kids made me sick to my stomach. Those are huge life saving responsibilities & anybody who isn't daunted by them isn't thinking this through. The people who go running into this without a plan without careful thought are the ones who screw it up. If somebody mentioned those ideas to me I would have bolted on the spot & I was living with somebody. It wasn't him. It was the idea. They are big ideas & the statistics aren't great. You have only been dating 1.5 years. You are young. You just made one huge change in your relationship. Give the guy a break. When he expresses fear of the future, instead of getting upset, reassure him. Take the pressure off. Say something like "Honey I love you but we just moved in together. We don't have to plan the rest of our lives today. Let's just settle in to living together. We can talk about forever in 6 months or so. For now let's focus on today. I love the fact that you are thinking about the future but we're not there yet." Let him know you have his back even when he's feeling unsure. Be happy that he felt secure enough to express fear to you instead of keeping it inside, letting it fester & poisoning everything. He's being a thoughtful guy. Even if it's not what you want to hear, it's honest. That's a good thing. Give him space to get settled & time to learn that he can build something with you as partners. Your problem is you think men and women think the same. They don't. All your advice would be great if it was a woman, but it is not. You are WAY off. Us men know whether we want to spend the rest of our lives with someone a lot sooner than 1.5 years. Waiting around to talk about it in another 6 months is just another waste of 6 months. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 3 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: Your problem is you think men and women think the same. They don't. All your advice would be great if it was a woman, but it is not. You are WAY off. Us men know whether we want to spend the rest of our lives with someone a lot sooner than 1.5 years. Waiting around to talk about it in another 6 months is just another waste of 6 months. Perhaps but I don't think most 20 year olds are comfortable enough with the concept of forever. The BF said it's not just her it's the idea of mortgage too. IMO anybody who doesn't have some pause at the idea of taking on debt for the next 30 years is a fool Changing your living status (moving) is a huge life stressor right up there with death & losing a job. It's a good time to take stock. Plowing full steam ahead without appropriate reflection is reckless What is your advice to the OP, break her lease & dump her BF because he felt fear? 1
Gaeta Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 (edited) Why did you move in together? I would not move in with someone without knowing we're heading toward a future together. I think moving in together made him realize he's not ready to settle down and this is his warning to you. If I were you I'd move out and tell him it was a mistake to move in, that you both need to 'date' still. Moving in together with a man that does not feel deep in his heart 'this is the one' is a trap for any woman. You'll invest your heart, time, money, you'll cook, clean, nurse him, you'll give him everything while he's not seeing you yet in his future? F that! Edited July 19, 2020 by Gaeta 2
Weezy1973 Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 It’s an age thing. I lived with a woman in my 20s and never really gave much thought to the future. It just made sense at the time as we spent most of our time together and it saved on rent. She also wasn’t thinking marriage and kids etc.
introverted1 Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 OP, what was the discussion around moving in together? Was this something you did as the start of a life together? Or was it to save money? Something else?
Maldives Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: In my 20s the thought of being with somebody forever, being saddled with a mortgage & having kids made me sick to my stomach. Those are huge life saving responsibilities & anybody who isn't daunted by them isn't thinking this through. The people who go running into this without a plan without careful thought are the ones who screw it up. If somebody mentioned those ideas to me I would have bolted on the spot & I was living with somebody. It wasn't him. It was the idea. They are big ideas & the statistics aren't great. You have only been dating 1.5 years. You are young. You just made one huge change in your relationship. Give the guy a break. When he expresses fear of the future, instead of getting upset, reassure him. Take the pressure off. Say something like "Honey I love you but we just moved in together. We don't have to plan the rest of our lives today. Let's just settle in to living together. We can talk about forever in 6 months or so. For now let's focus on today. I love the fact that you are thinking about the future but we're not there yet." Let him know you have his back even when he's feeling unsure. Be happy that he felt secure enough to express fear to you instead of keeping it inside, letting it fester & poisoning everything. He's being a thoughtful guy. Even if it's not what you want to hear, it's honest. That's a good thing. Give him space to get settled & time to learn that he can build something with you as partners. Totally agree with donnivain spot on 1
schlumpy Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 8 hours ago, Ambereyes said: I don’t expect a ring, but when I hear that he’s scared, stressed , unsure, I still feel upset. I don’t know how to process it info. Is it a normal jitter or Is it a concern? He said he’s opening up his feelings and asked me not to overthink it, and he doesn’t mean what I think he means. He says he wants to live with me, he loves me, but why do I feel like once you have doubts, then this is not meant to be? He will eventually realise this is not what he wants and break up with me? Anyone had similar experience during a relationship? How did you manage and what happened later? Did his parents get divorced or did close members of his family divorce while he was growing up? He may think that he's seen the end game and the feelings he had are not something he wants to repeat. Something that could be worked out with counseling. If not, then I think you give him some time to think about what he has expressed and if you are looking for forever, then start looking elsewhere.
Watercolors Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, Ambereyes said: The thought of being with me forever stresses him, as he doesn’t know thats what he wants yet. I don't think this is related to a 20-something age growing pain. I think his reaction is more about the fact that he doesn't see himself with *you* long-term since he actually told you that. There's no hidden meaning, no alternative meaning here. He doesn't want to be with you in a long-term relationship. Why would you want to stay with your boyfriend, after learning that he doesn't want to marry you or be with you long-term? If you stay, you would be settling. And you'd be closing yourself off to be in a relationship with a young man who wants what you want at the same time. In my 30s, I was in a relationship that I was led to believe was headed towards marriage. But then he flat out told me, he didn't want to get married again so we broke up. He married someone else 2 years later. Was I hurt? Sure. Did I recover from that break-up? Yes. Edited July 19, 2020 by Watercolors 1
Watercolors Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 7 hours ago, Gaeta said: Why did you move in together? I would not move in with someone without knowing we're heading toward a future together. I think moving in together made him realize he's not ready to settle down and this is his warning to you. If I were you I'd move out and tell him it was a mistake to move in, that you both need to 'date' still. Moving in together with a man that does not feel deep in his heart 'this is the one' is a trap for any woman. You'll invest your heart, time, money, you'll cook, clean, nurse him, you'll give him everything while he's not seeing you yet in his future? F that! This is great advice. Never move in with anyone unless you know he's on the same path as you are for your relationship. Start looking for your own place, or for a roommate situation and move out. There's no point staying with someone who has clarified that he doesn't know that you are in his future. And you're already living together so it isn't going to likely get any better.
Author Ambereyes Posted July 19, 2020 Author Posted July 19, 2020 When we moved in it was a way to see if we can be a forever thing. He thought by living with me he would know it’s either “not working -break up” or “working-marriage”. But now he is actually feeling something in between-“ it’s working but he’s still not sure about all these forever things “. He also said if we get a house now and things don’t work out later, the financial distress could ruin our lives so there’s definitely some fear there. then he also said that I should trust him to take care of those fears and uncertainties, just give him some time. Well I never rushed him in the first place. But I am older, maybe he just assumed things, I don’t know.
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