I feel like no woman will ever love me :

[BeachisAwesome]

Ok so a couple trigger warnings first:

1. the below is a description of my experience and how I feel (e.g., other people may feel differently if they were in my situation)

2. Parts of the below may sound shallow. I am putting them here because:

A. They affect my mood

B. They are concrete facts about me (unlike say personality)

Now on to the topic:

I am a 29 year virgin male that has never even kissed a girl. I had a stereotypical bad childhood (divorce, alcoholism, financial problems, etc.) and have largely spent my 20s trying to make up for the delays caused by that bad childhood (e.g., I graduated college 2.5 years late). I have always been very embarrassed about my late start in life and have worked very hard to have largely eliminated it by now. However, during the last 10 years, dating was just not something I did on a regular basis (either because of my financial situation or I was just embarrassed about myself). I am now in a somewhat comfortable place in my life right now. Not to be shallow, but to quantify, I make over $150K a year in a major city in Texas, own a home in a nice suburb, drive a high end SUV and have a new puppy. I also have lots of hobbies and am in pretty good shape. All good, right...well dating has been horrible. It seems like all women are taken by 25. I've tried apps but I'll admit, I'm not the most attractive person facial wise (also just under 6 feet tall) and with women in their early 20s (who seem to be the only women single where I live), that seems to be the only thing they care about. I have begun to feel very down on myself and wonder if I'll ever find a GF.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

[Ami1uwant]

Questions

 

1 at work how are you with women interaction?

2 how have you interacted with eomrn

3 do you have male friends? Are there women in these hobbies?

 

problems

— you bought a house in the suburbs.  It’s hard to get young women who aren’t already married 

 

[Fox Sake]

1 hour ago, BeachisAwesome said:

Ok so a couple trigger warnings first:

1. the below is a description of my experience and how I feel (e.g., other people may feel differently if they were in my situation)

2. Parts of the below may sound shallow. I am putting them here because:

A. They affect my mood

B. They are concrete facts about me (unlike say personality)

Now on to the topic:

I am a 29 year virgin male that has never even kissed a girl. I had a stereotypical bad childhood (divorce, alcoholism, financial problems, etc.) and have largely spent my 20s trying to make up for the delays caused by that bad childhood (e.g., I graduated college 2.5 years late). I have always been very embarrassed about my late start in life and have worked very hard to have largely eliminated it by now. However, during the last 10 years, dating was just not something I did on a regular basis (either because of my financial situation or I was just embarrassed about myself). I am now in a somewhat comfortable place in my life right now. Not to be shallow, but to quantify, I make over $150K a year in a major city in Texas, own a home in a nice suburb, drive a high end SUV and have a new puppy. I also have lots of hobbies and am in pretty good shape. All good, right...well dating has been horrible. It seems like all women are taken by 25. I've tried apps but I'll admit, I'm not the most attractive person facial wise (also just under 6 feet tall) and with women in their early 20s (who seem to be the only women single where I live), that seems to be the only thing they care about. I have begun to feel very down on myself and wonder if I'll ever find a GF.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

Hey BeachisAwesome,

given the fact you’re 29 and still a virgin, is this down to religion? If it is, or even if it isn’t , then might I suggest you look for Christian or Catholic orientated dating sites with others who share similar self preservation values. Or go to church. You never know who you’ll meet, and sometimes prayers are answered  
I’m spiritual so I can’t give you anymore advice on that front but I don’t see why you shouldn’t meet someone who shares similar values. 
 

if you want to flaunt your cash then you’re unlikely to attract the kind of woman you’re after. Which I believe is someone reasonably reserved and down to earth who’s going to appreciate you for who you are and not what you can provide financially. 
 

I know what It feels like to beat yourself up thinking no one will ever love you. It’s not uncommon to feel that way.
But I promise you they will, you just have to find them. Have faith that the right person is out there for you. You’re only 29 , you got almost 6 years on me and let me tell you, you’re still young and have plenty of time to meet the right person. I just think you’ve been looking in the wrong places. Online dating is very superficial in general sites. Maybe try going to some speed dating events when the whole Covid thing has eased off a bit, and let people talk to you for the amazing person you are and not some put together online dating profile. The right woman is waiting for you. There’s a match for everyone in this world. Learn to love yourself a little more , you attract what you feel and think. So be very careful when putting out the negative “no one will ever love me” vibes ... don’t condition yourself like that, it’s to your detriment. 

Lastly , if all else fails , you can always find yourself a Philippine gf/wife/partner who love you for you the safety and love you can provide and not focus so much on looks.  
 

 

Edited July 18, 2020 by Fox Sake
Grammar

[basil67]

@BeachisAwesome I just want to throw out there that there's no such thing as graduating college too late.   Some people take a gap year or two.  Others do long courses.  Meanwhile, others don't know what they want to do straight out of school and figure it out a few years later.  

I assume you're not as harsh on the above people as you are on yourself.  So why are you harsh on yourself for a measly 2.5 years?

[Maldives]

Ye one word dating apps rarely work bro Ur not alone. I've had no luck wth em been on em and off for almost 4 yrs since breaking up with my last ex. They don't really work for a lot of people and if you think about it are designed to keep you coming back so you can keep paying the app your subscription. It's hard to know what someone is like from a photo hence a date but for men I have heard rarely have messages in there inbox or replies whereas woman are flooded with em but the wrong type. The woman I been on dates have all complained how the men are just after a ONS. So that could be to your advantage. Overall I found they suck balls. Woman love confidence when you overcome that you will attract someone regardless of your appearance. 

 

My average for going out on a date from the apps is like once every 5 or 6 mths lol. Sometimes my ducks line up in a row and I have maybe 2 or 3 in a few months but all a waste of energy and time none of em are what I'm looking for 

Edited July 18, 2020 by Goodguy05

[BeachisAwesome]

3 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Questions

 

1 at work how are you with women interaction?

2 how have you interacted with eomrn

3 do you have male friends? Are there women in these hobbies?

 

problems

— you bought a house in the suburbs.  It’s hard to get young women who aren’t already married 

1. With women 30+, I do very well (almost all of these women are married or in LTRs). With younger women, they don't seem to like me (I've heard most women in their 20s try to be jerks to all men since they know they are in such high demand and getting hit on all the time gets old)

2. I have female friends/work colleagues/etc. Again, like I said in #1, almost all are married/in LTRs

3. I have male friends as my hobbies are mostly things guys do. I hunt/fish/kayak/row. My most interesting hobby is hang gliding. I also volunteer at various places and I do meet women, but they are either younger single women who are sick of guys hitting on them or in relationships/married. 

[mortensorchid]

Guy, you show me one person who is truly happy or feels that they didn't make one mistake in life.  Because we all have.  We all have things that we are not happy about or things we wish we did differently.  But I digress...

Just keep trying.  There is one direction in life which is forward.  My motto is "keep moving forward".  Because that's the only direction I go in.  Regrets?  Of course I have them, but that's the past and that's that.  You matter, don't give up. 

[endlessabyss]

If I was you I would try to discipline your brain to not fixate about being a virgin at 29.  Yea, it must suck, due to how over-sexualized American culture is, but if you obsess about this part of your life it is going to tear you down.

Your monetary status or progress with your life plays a minimal role, in regards to attracting a partner.  There are tons of homeless people and ex-convicts that have no problem with finding women, who have nothing going on in their lives.  The lie, of the capitalist system we function in, tells us that money and resources will win you a partner.  Not true.  It can buy you sex, if you'd like, but it can't buy genuine intimacy.

Sorry.

My advice: try to go on with your life with the best attitude you can.  Focus on your hobbies, and if someone comes along, someone comes along.  Maybe try to engage in genuine small talk, but don't force the issue.  Others will notice.

[Hopeful30]

4 hours ago, BeachisAwesome said:

Ok so a couple trigger warnings first:

1. the below is a description of my experience and how I feel (e.g., other people may feel differently if they were in my situation)

2. Parts of the below may sound shallow. I am putting them here because:

A. They affect my mood

B. They are concrete facts about me (unlike say personality)

Now on to the topic:

I am a 29 year virgin male that has never even kissed a girl. I had a stereotypical bad childhood (divorce, alcoholism, financial problems, etc.) and have largely spent my 20s trying to make up for the delays caused by that bad childhood (e.g., I graduated college 2.5 years late). I have always been very embarrassed about my late start in life and have worked very hard to have largely eliminated it by now. However, during the last 10 years, dating was just not something I did on a regular basis (either because of my financial situation or I was just embarrassed about myself). I am now in a somewhat comfortable place in my life right now. Not to be shallow, but to quantify, I make over $150K a year in a major city in Texas, own a home in a nice suburb, drive a high end SUV and have a new puppy. I also have lots of hobbies and am in pretty good shape. All good, right...well dating has been horrible. It seems like all women are taken by 25. I've tried apps but I'll admit, I'm not the most attractive person facial wise (also just under 6 feet tall) and with women in their early 20s (who seem to be the only women single where I live), that seems to be the only thing they care about. I have begun to feel very down on myself and wonder if I'll ever find a GF.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

I'll be honest with you, I've recently been having these thoughts, even though I know they're not true.

I'm an attractive woman, both physically and personality wise. I've always struggled with dating and I don't know why. Over the years, I've worked on myself and healed/nurtured the neglected parts of myself. I've never felt better about myself...and the dating sees no change.

I've recently began to wonder what is so fundamentally wrong with me that I haven't found my equal. Even the other day I saw a documentary about two people who had sex changes, fell in love, and just adopted (started a family). Surely if such a small percentage of minority find each other, then an average gal like myself can find an average guy? Yet here I am, a wonderful woman like all others on this forum, and I cry myself to sleep because the deep desire to have a warm soul next to me continues to be elusive.

I honestly don't know why great people like us are loveless, even though we radiate love ourselves. We are just like everyone else, we have flaws, are imperfect, just people trying to figure life out...yet while many others find companionship with (seemingly) less effort, we continue to wake up alone.

At least we can find comfort in the knowledge that we aren't the only ones who feel this way.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, BeachisAwesome said:

1. With women 30+, I do very well (almost all of these women are married or in LTRs). With younger women, they don't seem to like me (I've heard most women in their 20s try to be jerks to all men since they know they are in such high demand and getting hit on all the time gets old)

2. I have female friends/work colleagues/etc. Again, like I said in #1, almost all are married/in LTRs

3. I have male friends as my hobbies are mostly things guys do. I hunt/fish/kayak/row. My most interesting hobby is hang gliding. I also volunteer at various places and I do meet women, but they are either younger single women who are sick of guys hitting on them or in relationships/married. 

 

Maybe you are approaching things all wrong....

 

from my experience most most relationships I have had have come from getting to know someone and talk to them but not hitting in them.

 

there are a lot of married women at work who like to be matchmakers...in business talk it’s networking.

 

lok into things that you have higher female interests.

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, BeachisAwesome said:

1. With women 30+, I do very well (almost all of these women are married or in LTRs). With younger women, they don't seem to like me (I've heard most women in their 20s try to be jerks to all men since they know they are in such high demand and getting hit on all the time gets old)

2. I have female friends/work colleagues/etc. Again, like I said in #1, almost all are married/in LTRs

3. I have male friends as my hobbies are mostly things guys do. I hunt/fish/kayak/row. My most interesting hobby is hang gliding. I also volunteer at various places and I do meet women, but they are either younger single women who are sick of guys hitting on them or in relationships/married. 

Regarding the under 20's woman you're talking about, forget what you've heard.   Rather, look at your interactions with them and how they react with YOU.   When you ask a younger woman out, have you established chemistry first?  Have you already built a good rapport with them?   Have you found out if they are single?  If you've done none of this, then the odds of a No are extremely high.  But if she's single and you're flirting with each other, then your chances of a yes are higher.  

[CLS63AMG]

I do the apps and am apparently pretty successful but guys keep in mind they are there to make $$$$.  They literally only show you for about an hour every 2 weeks to a month, its to entice you to pay and even then you may not be shown.  I know because I can go from zero matches on bumble to 8 in about 2 hours once a month.  Then from that 8 I widdle it down to 2-3 I want to meet, and we meet.  Problem then is she never looks like her pics, since covid I am 3-0 for women that used older photos of themselves or straight up photoshop because they didn't resemble their photos at all. 

I also have a dog and meet women almost daily, but those women are taken 98% of the time, one even bought my dog an ice cream after we stood there and had a deep conversation for 30 minutes, which led into her telling me she was 2 months preggo 🤯.  The other one I made a thread about

 

Edited July 19, 2020 by CLS63AMG

[d0nnivain]

Get off the apps.  They will make anybody crazy.  I am generally a secure person.  I never had trouble meeting men or getting a date.  When I did OLD all I got was rejections & unsuitable men.  It was demoralizing to say the least.  I got off them after 90 days when my subscription ran out; went back into the real world & had a full social calendar in short order.  It was about 90 days later that I met the man who is now my husband. 

Granted with Covid, especially in TX OLD / the apps are about the only option right now so I think you may be better off taking a hiatus. 

As somebody else said, you have to change your mindset.  You didn't graduate college 2.5 year late.  You overcome obstacles to graduate college!   Good for you.  Celebrate your accomplishment.  I have a post graduate degree.  When I met DH in our 30s he was still going to college on line at a time when that was new / odd.  He was almost 40 when he got his diploma.  It doesn't matter how old he was when he got.  Point is his achieved his goal. 

Consider getting some therapy.  Your childhood did a number on your self-esteem.   You need some help fixing that.  When you do, your self confidence will rise & you will better be able to move forward.  I'm not suggesting therapy as a cop out or saying that you are a bad person. You just didn't get what you needed during your formative years & now you have to replace it at a later stage which is not a self help mission.  That said you can read books about it like Napoleon Hill's Think & Grow Rich, Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends & Influence People & other books in that genre.   Some of the skills that landed you a job paying $150k can be modified to help make you more successful with interpersonal relationships.  

[mortensorchid]

I want to add a few others things onto what I said earlier:

1) Psychiatry - Don't be ashamed to go see a therapist and also don't be ashamed to get on meds for your depression / anxiety.  People are completely ashamed of taking meds for their mental health issues, but we don't seem to have the same stigma when we're drinking alcohol or using recreational drugs (legal or illegal).  We all have issues, no one has a perfect life, and we all have things we need to work out of ourselves.

2) Negativity - We continually think negative thoughts about ourselves.  Why?  We're conditioned to do so.  When something positive comes into the fold, we have a hard time accepting something positive.  Combat the negative by saying you will be better tomorrow. I learned that in Weight Watchers. 

[Ruby Slippers]

As long as you can maintain a positive attitude, I think your life is only going to get better with time. It takes times to grow beyond the wounds of a bad childhood, but once you really start to free yourself from it, life gets better by leaps and bounds.

You already have everything lined up logistically for a good relationship, and your practical footing will only get better in time. Now you just need to catch your thinking and feelings up to that, which you will in time.

These days, women in their 20s often want "fun," whereas women in their 30s and beyond have figured out there's more to life and relationships than fun. So I predict you're only going to do better as you go along. A single guy like you in his late 30s or 40s is a total catch, the kind of unicorn that most women are looking for.

My one warning is to be careful of being taken advantage of. Don't accept the first woman who pays you any attention. Make sure she's into you for YOU and not just the security you can provide.

[endlessabyss]

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

As long as you can maintain a positive attitude, I think your life is only going to get better with time. It takes times to grow beyond the wounds of a bad childhood, but once you really start to free yourself from it, life gets better by leaps and bounds.

You already have everything lined up logistically for a good relationship, and your practical footing will only get better in time. Now you just need to catch your thinking and feelings up to that, which you will in time.

These days, women in their 20s often want "fun," whereas women in their 30s and beyond have figured out there's more to life and relationships than fun. So I predict you're only going to do better as you go along. A single guy like you in his late 30s or 40s is a total catch, the kind of unicorn that most women are looking for.

My one warning is to be careful of being taken advantage of. Don't accept the first woman who pays you any attention. Make sure she's into you for YOU and not just the security you can provide.

The amount of damage a decade of being promiscuous is going to be hard to reverse in a future partner lol.

You think OP has it in him to overcome that type of baggage?

I've often wondered to myself why guys who got left out of the dating scene early would be open to taking someone who chased the top 10% for ten years, only to fail, and take a safe bet, second or third tier guy.  Always has seen kind of demeaning to me.

My cynical side believes these types of girls can't really be sexually attracted to safe bets.  Some will settle, but I have definitely met women that said they won't settle, and end up marrying their pit bulls 😂

[Ruby Slippers]

You sound very cynical for sure. 

It's true it's hard to find anyone single these days who's not promiscuous, but it's possible. I'm pretty selective and have had far fewer partners than most of my friends. Maybe the OP will eventually meet a modest woman with little to no sexual history. These aren't the women who catch the most attention because they're not clamoring for it. 

It's also a myth that a woman can't be attracted to a "safe bet". My last boyfriend was a very financially secure provider who wanted to marry me. We had our issues, but sexual attraction was never one of them. Our sex life was smoking hot, we were all over each other, and he told me it was the best sex of his life. He was absolutely gorgeous and a sex bomb to me. That part was only getting stronger in time. 

[endlessabyss]

4 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

You sound very cynical for sure. 

It's true it's hard to find anyone single these days who's not promiscuous, but it's possible. I'm pretty selective and have had far fewer partners than most of my friends. Maybe the OP will eventually meet a modest woman with little to no sexual history. These aren't the women who catch the most attention because they're not clamoring for it. 

It's also a myth that a woman can't be attracted to a "safe bet". My last boyfriend was a very financially secure provider who wanted to marry me. We had our issues, but sexual attraction was never one of them. Our sex life was smoking hot, we were all over each other, and he told me it was the best sex of his life. He was absolutely gorgeous and a sex bomb to me. That part was only getting stronger in time. 

 

Cynical for sure.  The lesson I learned about modern dating, in my 20's, is that it all was predicated off jealousy.  It's so easy to attract women when other women are interested as well.  After reflecting on it I wasn't even sure the women in and out of my life even actually liked me.  It seemed more of a competition thing for them.  Not sure how it works in your 30's, because I haven't dated in my early 30's.

The reason I quoted you is actually because it is a statistical fact the more partners you have the less likely you are going to be successful in relationships or a marriage, so your comment about girls wanting to have fun for a decade, only to want to settle in their 30's, was humorous in a sense. 

Not saying that there aren't people who slept around who ended up committed to someone over a long period of time, but those tend to be outliers.

I guess it also is a little ironic that your last boyfriend was a provider, that wanted to marry you.  Key word, last lol.  Obviously, I don't have any background information, but it was just something that stood out.

Edited July 19, 2020 by endlessabyss

[Ruby Slippers]

I've never been in a relationship that went past a few dates where we didn't seriously discuss marriage. That's because I only date men who are serious with long-term focus like me. My point is simply that it's a false premise that a man who's a safe bet can't be highly sexually desirable and desired by his lady.

I think people with more partners tend to be less likely to compromise, and that's a conscious choice. I could have been married a dozen times by now to decent-enough men, but I'd rather be single than stay in a situation that feels too compromised to me. And yes, even in the worse case scenario that I never meet a man I can live with, I accept that. 

There are lots of people on this board who are married and complain about major problems in their relationships - complete lack of sex, romance, fun, agreement on financial planning, etc. Those people are happier being with somebody than being single, so they accept major compromises. Personally, I'm happier and a lot more "successful" single and content than coupled and compromised, dissatisfied, unfulfilled. 

The OP could meet a 20-something virgin in his mid-30s for all we know. Doesn't matter - my point is that his "stock" is only going to go up as he ages.

Edited July 19, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Andy_K]

On 7/19/2020 at 1:51 AM, BeachisAwesome said:

1. With women 30+, I do very well (almost all of these women are married or in LTRs).

Clearly not, if you've never even kissed a girl. Or you mean 'only as friends'. If not, surely there are some over 30s on dating apps you can meet? If you're near a major city there have to be plenty of singles of an appropriate age. Why aren't you meeting them?

[Andy_K]

On 7/19/2020 at 2:27 AM, Hopeful30 said:

I honestly don't know why great people like us are loveless, even though we radiate love ourselves. We are just like everyone else, we have flaws, are imperfect, just people trying to figure life out...yet while many others find companionship with (seemingly) less effort, we continue to wake up alone.

I believe some people are just plain unlucky at dating. The stark contract between someone who effortlessly meets the right person in their early twenties compared to someone who does all the right things only to end up single, is too much to believe otherwise. There are a lot of people out there, so inevitably some of us are going to end up statistical anomalies.

But it's like any other aspect of life... some struggle with education, jobs, friendships, and family misfortunes, whilst others breeze through everything, never having to face any meaningful adversity.

[elaine567]

On 7/19/2020 at 1:51 AM, BeachisAwesome said:

I have male friends as my hobbies are mostly things guys do. I hunt/fish/kayak/row. My most interesting hobby is hang gliding.

Killing animals/fish "for fun" can be a turn off for many women.
Plus with all these "guy" orientated hobbies where does she fit in?
Yes  you may find some women are happy to have a hunting fishing and shooting man with a gang of guy friends, but you probably have cut down your options.
You have also set yourself up in a house in the suburbs with the car and the dog, but again where does she fit in? 
Also early twenties single women may not be ready  or willing to be "the wife"  in suburbia...
 

[BaileyB]

On 7/19/2020 at 7:09 AM, d0nnivain said:

Get off the apps.  They will make anybody crazy.  

I agree. 

Seriously, dating is hard for EVERYONE. You are not alone in your frustration, wondering if you will ever find a partner. 

You have done well, you are financially stable and in a good place in your life. You have a lot to offer - be proud of what you have accomplished. 

But know, girls don’t usually value the same things that men will value. Obviously, physical appearance and finances are important considerations when looking for someone to share your life with - BUT, don’t forget that women fall for men who make them FEEL good about themselves, and about the experience of being with you. Men can have it all - good looks, money, houses, cars... sure, he will always attract some women for whom those things are important... BUT, if you are looking for a life partner, it is about making that emotional connection with a woman. That’s the key... good luck. 

Edited July 23, 2020 by BaileyB

[BeachisAwesome]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'll add a couple details. I do meet a lot of women but no matter the age range, basically all of them are taken. I feel like 99% of women are taken and almost all men are single. Also, my $150K a year salary is terrible for where I live. There's tons of single guys that are super fit, nice and respectful and pull in over $300K easily. Also, women in Texas in my experience never date anyone that makes less than them (I've never seen it happen). 

Besides, don't be poor, any other tips would be helpful  

[Fox Sake]

8 hours ago, BeachisAwesome said:

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'll add a couple details. I do meet a lot of women but no matter the age range, basically all of them are taken. I feel like 99% of women are taken and almost all men are single. Also, my $150K a year salary is terrible for where I live. There's tons of single guys that are super fit, nice and respectful and pull in over $300K easily. Also, women in Texas in my experience never date anyone that makes less than them (I've never seen it happen). 

Besides, don't be poor, any other tips would be helpful  

This is one crazy view you have of how things are. I can’t help but feel you’re creating a self fulfilling prophecy. As I like to say - believing is seeing. There’s more than 1% available. So you must be going for the wrong types. Have you never been into a restaurant and met a server that just bowled you over? Or would she not make enough money for YOU? 

It all seems about money , not about love. But if you’re the age you are and never had sex or a long meaningful relationship then you are literally starting from scratch. the same as most of us back in our young teenage years. 

Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems you think everyone is all about how much you earn and not about what you can offer as a decent human being. That’s where you’re going wrong. I really suggest you look further afield. Go back and read my first post to you. Not all is lost, you just need to change how you view the world.  

Edited July 26, 2020 by Fox Sake
Add a bit