Should I only have sex if we are in an exclusive relationship?

[DelarosaKandy]

I'm NOT in a relationship right now. I just jumped back into the dating pool and I've been really nervous about the sex thing. I've had FWB and it doesn't work for me. I get emotionally attached after having sex with one person a few times. So, I would rather see someone exclusively and then have sex when I'm comfortable, I trust them, and I like them. I don't think that's bad right? 

I've been in a few long-term relationships. I was in a 5 year one and about 3 others that were about 2 years each. So, dating right now is still kind of new for me. Because we were young, the guys were usually my boyfriends BEFORE I did anything. So, now that I'm dating again I'm just surprised and nervous about how QUICKLY guys try to sleep with me and it makes me really, really nervous.

I was told by a few people, including my old therapist (who was a man by the way!) that I should wait until I'm exclusive with the man or have some sort of consistent relationship before sleeping with them. I've had ONE incident where I slept with this guy after 2 months of dating and he ghosted me after that. So, that only made me MORE NERVOUS. 

The reason I brought this up is because the guys I've been seeing recently keep inviting me to their apartment to "make me dinner" literally after 1 or 2 dates. 2 different guys have asked this. And, I'm not comfortable being alone in their apartment so soon. I don't trust either of them enough to be alone in a private area, let alone have sex with them. Another guy kept insisting I park at his house on our dates and wouldn't offer to pick me up. I took that as his "slick way" of trying to get me into his place. I refused every time. 

I'm starting to get anxiety and kind of depressed honestly. I don't want to have sex with anyone I don't know or trust. And, after what happened with the last guy, I'm wondering if I should WAIT for some sort of exclusivity too? I also grew up in a very Christian home and although I don't believe in waiting until marriage, I'm not comfortable with what these guys are trying to do. 

I don't know if the dating game has always been like this or I've just been out of the game too long?

[central]

You should have sex with someone when you are ready to have sex with them.  That will help weed out those who aren't truly interested in you, but will also put off some decent men who've always had sex early in a new relationship.  Telling the difference is difficult, and may well be impossible.  Eventually you'll meet someone who seems right, and it will work out.

My experience (20 years ago, 10 or more different women) was that women always initiated having sex with me by the third date (very few ever got to a third date due to being poor matches, even if attraction existed).  I'd have waited longer, if necessary, with someone who seemed a great match.  On the other hand, someone too reticent about sex probably would not have been a good match.  I think things are about the same - or even faster! - now.

So, do what you feel is right for you - there are no guarantees in any case.

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, DelarosaKandy said:

I'm wondering if I should WAIT for some sort of exclusivity too?

Going by what you wrote, yes.

If you don't want to be ghosted, then stick to your guns. Understand: that doesn't mean the guy has to or is going to stick around and give you the relationship you want if that's not what he's after. 

Adjust or abandon your expectations of others. They are who they are and they want what they want--just like you. You have to find someone who wants what you want and that could be a long wait, going by what you say you want.

Edited July 19, 2020 by kendahke

[Hopeful30]

4 hours ago, DelarosaKandy said:

I'm NOT in a relationship right now. I just jumped back into the dating pool and I've been really nervous about the sex thing. I've had FWB and it doesn't work for me. I get emotionally attached after having sex with one person a few times. So, I would rather see someone exclusively and then have sex when I'm comfortable, I trust them, and I like them. I don't think that's bad right? 

I've been in a few long-term relationships. I was in a 5 year one and about 3 others that were about 2 years each. So, dating right now is still kind of new for me. Because we were young, the guys were usually my boyfriends BEFORE I did anything. So, now that I'm dating again I'm just surprised and nervous about how QUICKLY guys try to sleep with me and it makes me really, really nervous.

I was told by a few people, including my old therapist (who was a man by the way!) that I should wait until I'm exclusive with the man or have some sort of consistent relationship before sleeping with them. I've had ONE incident where I slept with this guy after 2 months of dating and he ghosted me after that. So, that only made me MORE NERVOUS. 

The reason I brought this up is because the guys I've been seeing recently keep inviting me to their apartment to "make me dinner" literally after 1 or 2 dates. 2 different guys have asked this. And, I'm not comfortable being alone in their apartment so soon. I don't trust either of them enough to be alone in a private area, let alone have sex with them. Another guy kept insisting I park at his house on our dates and wouldn't offer to pick me up. I took that as his "slick way" of trying to get me into his place. I refused every time. 

I'm starting to get anxiety and kind of depressed honestly. I don't want to have sex with anyone I don't know or trust. And, after what happened with the last guy, I'm wondering if I should WAIT for some sort of exclusivity too? I also grew up in a very Christian home and although I don't believe in waiting until marriage, I'm not comfortable with what these guys are trying to do. 

I don't know if the dating game has always been like this or I've just been out of the game too long?

The thing is, times have changed. Men want sex almost immediately. I've been single and sexless for many years because I also want things to unravel slowly, and enjoy a man's body only when I enjoy HIM as a person, which doesn't happen after 1 or 2 dates. You can't know someone after a few days of knowing each other.

The difference is I don't get nervous or anxious. I am very comfortable with myself, my body, and my sexuality.

I suggest you take this time to focus on yourself. I hear you though, I crave intimacy too, but if it doesn't feel right, then don't do it! You must ALWAYS honour yourself and how you feel. Don't betray yourself. Do what you need to nurture the parts of you that feel anxious and depressed. This is more important.

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, DelarosaKandy said:

I was told by a few people, including my old therapist (who was a man by the way!) that I should wait until I'm exclusive with the man or have some sort of consistent relationship before sleeping with them. I've had ONE incident where I slept with this guy after 2 months of dating and he ghosted me after that. So, that only made me MORE NERVOUS. 

The reason I brought this up is because the guys I've been seeing recently keep inviting me to their apartment to "make me dinner" literally after 1 or 2 dates.

You should do whatever the hell YOU want and what you are comfortable with.  Not what your therapist tells you, not what your friends tell you, etc.

And yes, in dating, a lot of guys will try to have sex very early into dating.  It's kind of the norm for a lot of people.  You should explicitly let people know up front that you are looking to really get to know someone and be in a relationship before sex.

[Hopeful30]

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You should do whatever the hell YOU want and what you are comfortable with.  Not what your therapist tells you, not what your friends tell you, etc.

And yes, in dating, a lot of guys will try to have sex very early into dating.  It's kind of the norm for a lot of people.  You should explicitly let people know up front that you are looking to really get to know someone and be in a relationship before sex.

This drives men away. I've been open about this before, and it turns men off. They seem to think it makes you a cold fish, or someone who does not have sexual energy. This couldn't be farther from the truth!! Yet men assume women are 'too serious' when they reveal that they don't have sex early (for whatever reason). They shrug it off and move onto someone who gives it up easier. We can't compete with a biological urge.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

This drives men away. I've been open about this before, and it turns men off. They seem to think it makes you a cold fish, or someone who does not have sexual energy. This couldn't be farther from the truth!! Yet men assume women are 'too serious' when they reveal that they don't have sex early (for whatever reason). They shrug it off and move onto someone who gives it up easier. We can't compete with a biological urge.

 

 

Not true...

 

very attractive guys guys who think they can hook up with any woman will behave thus way. The look st women as conquests.

men who lok women as equals and respect them will not hold it against her.

[Ruby Slippers]

Don't let the climate of debauchery get to you. Go at your pace. A good man who's good for you will be understanding and patient. 

[d0nnivain]

You know that you don't do FWB so don't. 

If a man disappears he wasn't the guy for you. 

In this time of Covid, that lack of restaurant options has caused an uptick in the offers for homecooked meals.  If you like the guy suggest a picnic in a nearby park instead.  For some guys the absence of their favorite go to dinner date makes them think they have no other options because they just aren't creative. 

[Blind-Sided]

I like @d0nnivain's suggestion. It can be a home cooked meal... but eat in the park. 

OK... here's a guy's opinion... since you aren't comfortable with a private date... and FWB doesn't work for you... then DO NOT have sex until you are ready.  Not every guy will want to just jump into the sack with you on the first or second date. There are guys out there who will respect you enough to wait, and to get to know you.  But there is a serious issue with OLD... and that's the fact that WAY TOO MANY people use it simply as a "Hook-up" tool, and there is a new culture of just random sex.

I know there are a few regulars on this board (female) who give it up WAY too fast, and then get depressed when the guy they thought they liked, just disappears. I have posed time and time again to those girls, and they continue to have sex quick because "They are lonely", "They are depressed", "They need affection."  The issue is... what they are looking for really isn't there. All of those require a deeper connection... and that's exactly what you are looking for. So... DO NOT lower yourself just so you can have some physical closeness with someone. 

After (and during) my divorce... I went over a year without being physical with a woman.  I had a few opportunities... but it didn't feel right.  So, I waited until I had a real connection with my current GF.  So, I know there are guys out there who will appreciate they way you are. 

[ThePhoenixStillRises]

On 7/18/2020 at 4:28 PM, DelarosaKandy said:

The reason I brought this up is because the guys I've been seeing recently keep inviting me to their apartment to "make me dinner" literally after 1 or 2 dates. 2 different guys have asked this. And, I'm not comfortable being alone in their apartment so soon. I don't trust either of them enough to be alone in a private area, let alone have sex with them. Another guy kept insisting I park at his house on our dates and wouldn't offer to pick me up. I took that as his "slick way" of trying to get me into his place. I refused every time. 

You need to listen to your gut instincts on this one.  If you don't trust these guys to even be alone in a private area let alone have sex with them, that is a huge red flag.  I think, at a minimum, sex requires trust.  

It also sounds like hooking up isn't for you...so you should probably stick with trying to develop a relationship first.  And that is perfectly okay.  Don't let anyone persuade you otherwise.  You know what you want...don't let some guy tell you it's wrong to feel that way.

[DelarosaKandy]

Yes, it sucks because I'm a millenial active on dating apps so it seems like it's automatically expected of me to have casual sex. And, yes I have tried it and again NOT FOR ME. 

Mainly, I just want to get to know the guy well enough before sex. And because of this COVID PANDEMIC, a lot of guys are DYING for sex so I'm being invited to their place a lot quicker than before the pandemic. In my experience, men would normally not even make a move or suggestion till date 4 or 5. And, I'm finding it within hour #3 on the 1st date!

On 7/18/2020 at 6:33 PM, Hopeful30 said:

This drives men away. I've been open about this before, and it turns men off. They seem to think it makes you a cold fish, or someone who does not have sexual energy. This couldn't be farther from the truth!! Yet men assume women are 'too serious' when they reveal that they don't have sex early (for whatever reason). They shrug it off and move onto someone who gives it up easier. We can't compete with a biological urge.

YES! So, I have tried this too! And, I have been ghosted twice for telling men I want to wait for some sort of relationship and trust. My last relationship my ex was younger than me so he was more patient and kind of a big nerd so I was able to go at my own pace. That's kind of what I want. Someone who respects my wishes to go slow. 

I just don't want to be pressured or force to have sex with someone I don't trust because of THEIR needs. 

On 7/19/2020 at 6:58 AM, Blind-Sided said:

I like @d0nnivain's suggestion. It can be a home cooked meal... but eat in the park. 

OK... here's a guy's opinion... since you aren't comfortable with a private date... and FWB doesn't work for you... then DO NOT have sex until you are ready.  Not every guy will want to just jump into the sack with you on the first or second date. There are guys out there who will respect you enough to wait, and to get to know you.  But there is a serious issue with OLD... and that's the fact that WAY TOO MANY people use it simply as a "Hook-up" tool, and there is a new culture of just random sex.

I know there are a few regulars on this board (female) who give it up WAY too fast, and then get depressed when the guy they thought they liked, just disappears. I have posed time and time again to those girls, and they continue to have sex quick because "They are lonely", "They are depressed", "They need affection."  The issue is... what they are looking for really isn't there. All of those require a deeper connection... and that's exactly what you are looking for. So... DO NOT lower yourself just so you can have some physical closeness with someone. 

After (and during) my divorce... I went over a year without being physical with a woman.  I had a few opportunities... but it didn't feel right.  So, I waited until I had a real connection with my current GF.  So, I know there are guys out there who will appreciate they way you are. 

Yes. With online dating it is mainly used as a hookup tool. That's why I got off Tinder because I found most guys were lying and saying what I wanted to hear and then they would try to sleep with me by date 2 and I would simply run away. So, I moved onto Bumble. 

I want to connect with someone first and have some trust in them. Because I know I'll become attached after sex so it might as well be with someone who likes me as much as I like them. Last year, I feel like I wasn't very careful and that's what screwed me over. It just sucks to find guys repeatedly inviting me to their place on the first date. I'm getting sick of it. 

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, DelarosaKandy said:

And because of this COVID PANDEMIC, a lot of guys are DYING for sex so I'm being invited to their place a lot quicker than before the pandemic. In my experience, men would normally not even make a move or suggestion till date 4 or 5. And, I'm finding it within hour #3 on the 1st date!

I think a lot of people's thinking is off right now in these strange times. A lot of single people are desperate for some kind of connection, and men tend to think sex is the best/only way to get that, when the truth is even taking a walk and holding hands would be fun after all this solitude. 

I'm recently single, not on any dating sites, but I can't really even talk to men who are messaging me online (via Meetup, etc.), because they essentially keep begging for my phone number before I know anything about them. They seem clearly desperate, which is not a good state of mind in which to approach anything.

It would be so nice if these men had the intelligence and discipline to go through the proper steps and be patient. If they'd calm down and get to know me properly, it could possibly lead somewhere good. Same with you, I'm sure.

If I were trying to date in this climate, I'd take my sweet little time getting to know a man before even meeting. I'd be upfront in discussing that I'm in no rush to get physical with someone I don't even know. This will scare off a lot of these men, which is a good thing.

Stephen Covey said, "The undisciplined are slaves to moods, appetites and passions." Because I've learned to be disciplined and patient, these type of guys look like chickens running around with their heads cut off to me. Very unappealing

[SumGuy]

On 7/19/2020 at 8:34 AM, d0nnivain said:

You know that you don't do FWB so don't. 

If a man disappears he wasn't the guy for you. 

In this time of Covid, that lack of restaurant options has caused an uptick in the offers for homecooked meals.  If you like the guy suggest a picnic in a nearby park instead.  For some guys the absence of their favorite go to dinner date makes them think they have no other options because they just aren't creative. 

Have to second this.

I think picnics are much more conducive to meeting and getting to know someone.  It could be I just love them, when you have the proper gear they are very easy  , Got this picnic backpack with cutlery etc. for 4, with plastic wine glasses and even an insulated wine holder...add in a small cooler and blanket and all set for even elaborate spreads. 

OP, perhaps you could offer to bring the cutlery and blanket and him the food  

[Andy_K]

19 hours ago, DelarosaKandy said:

It just sucks to find guys repeatedly inviting me to their place on the first date. I'm getting sick of it. 

Yes, a lot of guys will disappear when you make it clear you want to wait before sex, which is great because it means that was their main interest in the first place and you've filtered them out.

On the other hand, a guy trying for sex early on, whilst it seems similar, can be completely different. Most guys on OLD have done it long enough to know that most of the time if a girl doesn't sleep with them early, she'll do it with someone else instead. Consequently, even the guys who are looking for a relationship are likely to try to escalate things early on. What's the difference? The decent ones will take no for an answer and not get angry, complain, or ghost you when you say it's too soon. It's not the trying that tells you what they're really like, it's how they take the rejection

[OatsAndHall]

On 7/18/2020 at 7:33 PM, Hopeful30 said:

This drives men away. I've been open about this before, and it turns men off. They seem to think it makes you a cold fish, or someone who does not have sexual energy. This couldn't be farther from the truth!! Yet men assume women are 'too serious' when they reveal that they don't have sex early (for whatever reason). They shrug it off and move onto someone who gives it up easier. We can't compete with a biological urge.

But this begs the question; would you want a relationship with a man who's put off but not sleeping together early on? There are many men out there who are content to wait for exclusivity before sex as it is a comfort for us as well. I don't care for the idea of sleeping with a woman who may be sleeping with other men at the same time. It's simply not responsible or safe.

[DelarosaKandy]

1 hour ago, Andy_K said:

Yes, a lot of guys will disappear when you make it clear you want to wait before sex, which is great because it means that was their main interest in the first place and you've filtered them out.

On the other hand, a guy trying for sex early on, whilst it seems similar, can be completely different. Most guys on OLD have done it long enough to know that most of the time if a girl doesn't sleep with them early, she'll do it with someone else instead. Consequently, even the guys who are looking for a relationship are likely to try to escalate things early on. What's the difference? The decent ones will take no for an answer and not get angry, complain, or ghost you when you say it's too soon. It's not the trying that tells you what they're really like, it's how they take the rejection

You are right about this. 1 guy who kept trying to invite me back to his place asked for the third time this week. I told him straight out I wasn't comfortable going over that early and I wasnt ready to do anything so soon either, which would be a temptation for him at his apartment. 

And, although the guy seemed understanding in his text messages, he stopped texting me for the last 4 days. I'm glad that happened though because now I'm thinking he wasn't into the challenge lol. 

[stillafool]

On 7/18/2020 at 9:33 PM, Hopeful30 said:

This drives men away. I've been open about this before, and it turns men off. They seem to think it makes you a cold fish, or someone who does not have sexual energy. This couldn't be farther from the truth!! Yet men assume women are 'too serious' when they reveal that they don't have sex early (for whatever reason). They shrug it off and move onto someone who gives it up easier. We can't compete with a biological urge.

That depends on the girl and what she looks like.  Men will wait on someone they really want.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, DelarosaKandy said:

And, although the guy seemed understanding in his text messages, he stopped texting me for the last 4 days. I'm glad that happened though because now I'm thinking he wasn't into the challenge lol. 

He might have been OK with it but moved on for other reasons.   Unless they give a reason, we really never know why someone else moves on.

[basil67]

On 7/19/2020 at 11:33 AM, Hopeful30 said:

This drives men away. I've been open about this before, and it turns men off. They seem to think it makes you a cold fish, or someone who does not have sexual energy. This couldn't be farther from the truth!! Yet men assume women are 'too serious' when they reveal that they don't have sex early (for whatever reason). They shrug it off and move onto someone who gives it up easier. We can't compete with a biological urge.

How do you explain the guys who say that they lose respect for women who has early sex with them?   Their unattractive hypocrisy aside, wouldn't these guys be the kind for women who want to wait?

[Ruby Slippers]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Men will wait on someone they really want.

Exactly. And unless you're a woman he really wants, there's no point, because eventually he'll get bored and move on to the next.

Most of these men looking for quick hookups are just going to burn through a bunch of shallow situations and end up with nothing to show for it but fleeting thrills. Don't be just another casualty of their short-sighted exploits.

Edited July 22, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[snowboy91]

I'm not one for saying this generally, but I do think you should wait until you're exclusive in some way before having sex.

I say that because in your case, you know you get attached fairly easily once you start having sex. But even after exclusivity, there isn't a guarantee it will last, since you need to consider whether there is sexual compatibility (not necessarily "bad" sex, but just differing chemistry or activities), or whether there are other incompatibilities that are only noticed after some time (which would have been noticed with or without sex).

Some prefer to work out the sexual compatibility as soon as possible (which is why some are happy to do it in the first few dates). You know that doesn't work for you, so you don't have to do it that way. Sure, you'll come across some guys that want to do it sooner, but the one who is willing to wait is the right kind of guy for you.

[SumGuy]

20 hours ago, basil67 said:

How do you explain the guys who say that they lose respect for women who has early sex with them?   Their unattractive hypocrisy aside, wouldn't these guys be the kind for women who want to wait?

I explain it as having some internalized guilt that sex is fundamentally "bad" and madonna-whore complex beliefs.   Both of which potentially bring other issues for someone who is sexual and loves sex but likes to wait.  I myself, if a woman, would also avoid men who lose respect for me because I have sex more readily than they think I should.