Author spiderowl Posted July 19, 2020 Author Posted July 19, 2020 Yes, I agree it is not a good basis for anything. I was hoping that things could work out and that the issues that made me feel it could not work would go away, but they haven't. They are just basic incompatibilities. It doesn't mean that we don't get on well though or have fun. I am probably responsible for his not treating this like a relationship but the thing is instead of making me feel 'actually this could work out' it is doing the opposite and pushing me away. Well maybe that's what he wants ultimately but I'm not getting that impression. He still wants to meet up and go out places. I feel it comes down to basic respect actually, how you treat someone on a day-to-day basis, not the foundation of the relationship. He seems happy enough with loving intimacy until he's suddenly tired and then it's like he closes down.
Gaeta Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 (edited) Maybe he is just respecting himself, thought about that? You and him are fwb as per your request. You are getting what you wished for. The man respect his personal boundaries and instead of respecting him for that you judge him and deep down expect he'd turn into a prince charming that would sweep you off of your feet. Fwb don't stay overnight, that's for girlfriends. I understand this man 100% Edited July 19, 2020 by Gaeta 2
Author spiderowl Posted July 20, 2020 Author Posted July 20, 2020 (edited) 17 hours ago, healing light said: I have not read all the responses to this thread. But you are the one who put the brakes on things, that implied or outright said you couldn't do a serious relationship with him long-term because of incompatibilities, yet you are surprised that he's not acting like a boyfriend? And you want to just withdraw sex and not say why? You are the one giving mixed signals in my view. He is following your lead and sounds like he would have liked something more serious with you, but you pulled that off the table so he's doing the next best thing which is some form of quasi-relationship or FWB with perhaps the hope that one day you'll change your mind. I did put the brakes on but I guess more because I thought he would think about it and see if anything could be done about incompatibilities. He hasn't been 'loving' as such all along, except that he likes hugs and so on. The little kindnesses that I've experienced with men in the past just haven't been there. I feel he is dutiful, marks birthdays and so on, but somehow not loving. I have not been unkind to him, just tried to talk about issues but he somehow thinks we will magically work at them. How can you work at anything if you can't talk about them? To me, there is no point in saying why I will be pulling back. I am not going to ask him why he does not invited me to stay. He would not ask why I was puling back because he does not want to know why. Communication has been difficult all along. I have tried to talk to him about various things but he seems inflexible (yet he thinks I am inflexible!). For example, he has a health problem which he does not acknowledge is a problem. I feel he should see a doctor because I am concerned it might be something serious. He dismisses it and it is clear that's the end of the subject as far as he's concerned. It still affects me though and I do worry. And no, it is nothing to do with our sex life, in case you were wondering. I did pull a long term relationship off the table, that was partly because I felt the incompatibilities would be insurmountable in the long run, even if we both wanted it to work. This might not have been the best approach but neither could I mislead him into thinking everything was going great. I don't think he is trying to make things work in the hope that I change my mind. Edited July 20, 2020 by spiderowl
healing light Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 I just think this man isn't a mind reader at the end of the day. Good communication has to start somewhere. If you want him to think about if anything can be done about the incompatibilities, ask him for his thoughts directly. Chances are he doesn't assign as much weight to them as you do, so he is looking to your lead on that. If you just pull back with no word as to why, he won't be able to magically deduce the reason or infer what you would actually like. You need to communicate your desires to him directly so he can do something about them. Otherwise, if you don't feel like that will solve anything, you might as well just let this one go because the communication issue is a two-way street. 1
healing light Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 Btw, were you ever spending the night before you pulled the long-term potential off the table? To me, if a relationship isn't going to go anywhere and you told him that, it's then some kind of FWB arrangement. I could see where that would definitely change the dynamics and overnight stays wouldn't necessarily be in the equation. I do think he likes you, though, and I have a feeling he would be happy to be more committed if that is what you wanted from him. I don't think he knows what you want or what to expect long-term since you set the boundaries there and that is likely reflected in this other behavior.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, spiderowl said: I have not been unkind to him, just tried to talk about issues but he somehow thinks we will magically work at them. How can you work at anything if you can't talk about them? I am confused. You yourself said earlier in this thread that you haven't been very kind to him. Talking about issues and not being kind are two entirely different matters. Which is it? Anyway, if you think there are this many incompatibilities, it may be time to heed your own instinct and stop hoping something will change. Stop expecting loving behaviour from what is essentially only FWB. Walk away from this altogether so you can one day meet a man who is a better match for you. Edited July 20, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
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