Am I being over-sensitive about this?

[spiderowl]

I'm really not sure what to make of this.  I would really appreciate your thoughts because I find myself in a quandary over how to react.

I have been seeing a guy on and off for a while now.  I suppose we are more like friends than in a romantic relationship but I don't know.  I'm confused about it.

Unfortunately, this guy and I are not very compatible from a practical point of view.  He is an early bird; I am a night owl.  He is attached to a religion; I am not.  But we enjoy each others company and like to go out places together.

I have been over to his place a few times to spend time talking and relaxing.  He made food and I have helped him or taken some drink and treats over too.  Things did get physical and it was nice to have that kind of attention.  Afterwards, he was clearly very tired as it was late for him.  He didn't invite me to stay so I went home.   Recently, the same thing happened again - we spent the afternoon together, ate, ended up in bed, and then again he didn't invite me to stay overnight.  I went home.

The history is that I did not feel this relationship could work due to some important incompatibilities and he is aware of that.  He still seems to want to spend time with me though and we do have a nice time and share several interests.  I am concerned that he is not asking me to stay overnight after making love.  I know that fundamentally the relationship is flawed and I know he is aware too, but this just does not feel right to me.  Am I wrong to think he should be asking me to stay?

I feel a bit like he doesn't care, that he is being nice to me as long as he is enjoying it and then he just wants me to go so he can sleep.  It's not as though he just chucks me out; he does come out and guide me out of the drive and so on and says goodnight with a kiss.  Am I being over-sensitive about this?  I doubt he has a clue that it bothers me and I don't want to ask him why he hasn't asked me to stay over.  I feel like I should just not let it get physical any more and not say why.  I know he won't ask me why things have changed.  We don't seem to be able to communicate all that well about anything that relates to feelings.  It's very odd and I've never experienced a situation before where things stay on a superficial level, but then again I haven't told anyone up front before that I don't think we are compatible long term.

Edited July 18, 2020 by spiderowl

[Realitysux]

10 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I'm really not sure what to make of this.  I would really appreciate your thoughts because I find myself in a quandary over how to react.

I have been seeing a guy on and off for a while now.  I suppose we are more like friends than in a romantic relationship but I don't know.  I'm confused about it.

Unfortunately, this guy and I are not very compatible from a practical point of view.  He is an early bird; I am a night owl.  He is attached to a religion; I am not.  But we enjoy each others company and like to go out places together.

I have been over to his place a few times to spend time talking and relaxing.  He made food and I have helped him or taken some drink and treats over too.  Things did get physical and it was nice to have that kind of attention.  Afterwards, he was clearly very tired as it was late for him.  He didn't invite me to stay so I went home.   Recently, the same thing happened again - we spent the afternoon together, ate, ended up in bed, and then again he didn't invite me to stay overnight.  I went home.

The history is that I did not feel this relationship could work due to some important incompatibilities and he is aware of that.  He still seems to want to spend time with me though and we do have a nice time and share several interests.  I am concerned that he is not asking me to stay overnight after making love.  I know that fundamentally the relationship is flawed and I know he is aware too, but this just does not feel right to me.  Am I wrong to think he should be asking me to stay?

I feel a bit like he doesn't care, that he is being nice to me as long as he is enjoying it and then he just wants me to go so he can sleep.  It's not as though he just chucks me out; he does come out and guide me out of the drive and so on and says goodnight with a kiss.  Am I being over-sensitive about this?  I doubt he has a clue that it bothers me and I don't want to ask him why he hasn't asked me to stay over.  I feel like I should just not let it get physical any more and not say why.  I know he won't ask me why things have changed.  We don't seem to be able to communicate all that well about anything that relates to feelings.  It's very odd and I've never experienced a situation before where things stay on a superficial level, but then again I haven't told anyone up front before that I don't think we are compatible long term.

I've never slept with a man and he hasn't stayed the night with me so I would find this weird. 

[Fox Sake]

30 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I'm really not sure what to make of this.  I would really appreciate your thoughts because I find myself in a quandary over how to react.

I have been seeing a guy on and off for a while now.  I suppose we are more like friends than in a romantic relationship but I don't know.  I'm confused about it.

Unfortunately, this guy and I are not very compatible from a practical point of view.  He is an early bird; I am a night owl.  He is attached to a religion; I am not.  But we enjoy each others company and like to go out places together.

I have been over to his place a few times to spend time talking and relaxing.  He made food and I have helped him or taken some drink and treats over too.  Things did get physical and it was nice to have that kind of attention.  Afterwards, he was clearly very tired as it was late for him.  He didn't invite me to stay so I went home.   Recently, the same thing happened again - we spent the afternoon together, ate, ended up in bed, and then again he didn't invite me to stay overnight.  I went home.

The history is that I did not feel this relationship could work due to some important incompatibilities and he is aware of that.  He still seems to want to spend time with me though and we do have a nice time and share several interests.  I am concerned that he is not asking me to stay overnight after making love.  I know that fundamentally the relationship is flawed and I know he is aware too, but this just does not feel right to me.  Am I wrong to think he should be asking me to stay?

I feel a bit like he doesn't care, that he is being nice to me as long as he is enjoying it and then he just wants me to go so he can sleep.  It's not as though he just chucks me out; he does come out and guide me out of the drive and so on and says goodnight with a kiss.  Am I being over-sensitive about this?  I doubt he has a clue that it bothers me and I don't want to ask him why he hasn't asked me to stay over.  I feel like I should just not let it get physical any more and not say why.  I know he won't ask me why things have changed.  We don't seem to be able to communicate all that well about anything that relates to feelings.  It's very odd and I've never experienced a situation before where things stay on a superficial level, but then again I haven't told anyone up front before that I don't think we are compatible long term.

Why don’t you just fall asleep there too? 
does he ask you to leave? Why don’t you just find a way of sleeping there and waking him up somehow and resetting that sleeping pattern of his   
 

the only times I’ve ever not stayed the night was when I didn’t want to , because it was what it was. Just sex. If I did fall asleep I would leave as soon as I woke up !  Not that we didn’t have fun hanging out. If I was “making love” to someone then I wouldn’t want them to leave. Which leads me to believe it’s just sex for him and for you it’s making love. 
So either he’s doing it for selfish reasons and it’s FWB or you got yourself in an unhealthy situation where you can’t convey your feeling. That’s incompatibility on a massive scale if you can’t communicate. 
 

Let’s go back to your other compatibility issues;

you’re a night owl and he’s an early bird.
Well there’s a big incompatibility right there. That won’t work (it wouldn’t for me, I’m a bit of a night owl too) 

Secondly,  you’ve never told anyone upfront that you’re not compatible long term . I have only done this once, with an ex I had a second chance with. It hurt to say it and took a lot from me cos I had a soft spot for her, but I slept on things for a night and realised it wasn’t gonna work out. We were very similar but also very different.

so my conclusion is that , if you’re happy being friends and you know he won’t ask why things have changed if you stop sleeping with him, then just stop. Just be friends and leave it at that.  Or you can just be honest with him. The best advice I can give you - The truth sets you free. You’ll grow stronger from it too because it’s a challenge to you to say it.

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

I am concerned that he is not asking me to stay overnight after making love. 

I feel a bit like he doesn't care, that he is being nice to me as long as he is enjoying it and then he just wants me to go so he can sleep.  

Yeah, this is cold blooded. A decent man wraps you up in his sweet loving arms afterward and fixes you breakfast in the morning. I think you can do better.

[spiderowl]

Thank you both for your thoughts on this.  It doesn't feel right to me.  He doesn't throw me out or anything but I just feel like he is expecting me to go.  He doesn't say so, there is just a waiting kind of feeling about it all.

I could not stay if I was not wanted.  He does seem to want me around but not when he's tired.  I have already decided we won't end up in bed any more.  Whether we'll just go our separate ways after that, I don't know.  He still seemed to want to see me even when we were not having sex, just enjoyed the company I think.

 

[Fox Sake]

8 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

A decent man wraps you up in his sweet loving arms afterward and fixes you breakfast in the morning. I think you can do better.

This is the absolute truth! 
 

and @spiderowl you probably know fine well yourself , when you really like someone, you can’t get enough of them. They’re like a drug and you pretty much want to spend every moment with them 

Edited July 18, 2020 by Fox Sake
Why do I keep missing entire words out of sentences?!

[CaliforniaGirl]

Honey, he just wants a FWB (not so much a FB, because you two do other fun things together).

[Fox Sake]

5 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

 

I could not stay if I was not wanted.  He does seem to want me around but not when he's tired.  I have already decided we won't end up in bed any more.  Whether we'll just go our separate ways after that, I don't know.  He still seemed to want to see me even when we were not having sex, just enjoyed the company I think.

 

He’s tired after sex. So he wants you around until he’s had sex and then he wants to sleep. Alone. 
well done you for coming to the conclusion. Be proud of yourself , you’ve just grown another branch on your tree  

Save you friendship if it’s good , and save the sex for someone who will appreciate it and reciprocate some feels 

Edited July 18, 2020 by Fox Sake

[spiderowl]

Thank you, Fox Sake, I do completely agree with you.  I haven't been very kind to him though with the incompatibility thing so I am not perfect.  I imagine he would be careful not to get more involved with someone who has put limits on the relationship almost from the start.  I can't really blame him.  I just think if I had sex with someone, I would treat them the same regardless of the underlying relationship and assume they will be staying the night if they want to.

Edited July 18, 2020 by spiderowl

[Fox Sake]

1 minute ago, spiderowl said:

Thank you, Fox Sake, I do completely agree with you.  I haven't been very kind to him though with the incompatibility thing so I am not perfect.  I imagine he would be careful not to get more involved with someone who has put limits on the relationship almost from the start.  I can't really blame him.  I just think if I had sex with someone, I would treat them the same regardless an assume they will be staying the night, as I must have liked them enough to get cosy.

Perfection is a cruel mistress! So don’t beat yourself up. No one wants that  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

2 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I'm really not sure what to make of this.  I would really appreciate your thoughts because I find myself in a quandary over how to react.

I have been seeing a guy on and off for a while now.  I suppose we are more like friends than in a romantic relationship but I don't know.  I'm confused about it.

Unfortunately, this guy and I are not very compatible from a practical point of view.  He is an early bird; I am a night owl.  He is attached to a religion; I am not.  But we enjoy each others company and like to go out places together.

I have been over to his place a few times to spend time talking and relaxing.  He made food and I have helped him or taken some drink and treats over too.  Things did get physical and it was nice to have that kind of attention.  Afterwards, he was clearly very tired as it was late for him.  He didn't invite me to stay so I went home.   Recently, the same thing happened again - we spent the afternoon together, ate, ended up in bed, and then again he didn't invite me to stay overnight.  I went home.

The history is that I did not feel this relationship could work due to some important incompatibilities and he is aware of that.  He still seems to want to spend time with me though and we do have a nice time and share several interests.  I am concerned that he is not asking me to stay overnight after making love.  I know that fundamentally the relationship is flawed and I know he is aware too, but this just does not feel right to me.  Am I wrong to think he should be asking me to stay?

I feel a bit like he doesn't care, that he is being nice to me as long as he is enjoying it and then he just wants me to go so he can sleep.  It's not as though he just chucks me out; he does come out and guide me out of the drive and so on and says goodnight with a kiss.  Am I being over-sensitive about this?  I doubt he has a clue that it bothers me and I don't want to ask him why he hasn't asked me to stay over.  I feel like I should just not let it get physical any more and not say why.  I know he won't ask me why things have changed.  We don't seem to be able to communicate all that well about anything that relates to feelings.  It's very odd and I've never experienced a situation before where things stay on a superficial level, but then again I haven't told anyone up front before that I don't think we are compatible long term.

... so the problem isn't him, exactly.

 

The problem is your having been conditioned  through life to anticipate a different routine.

 

He may be on precisely the same page as you, and his way of refraining from (figuratively) going all-in is tethered to his not waking up arm in arm, etc.

 

 

[Maldives]

I think U r overthinking it him not asking U to stay over just means he likes his own personal space and that's important for him I'm the same or he could have something on the next day 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, spiderowl said:

The history is that I did not feel this relationship could work due to some important incompatibilities and he is aware of that.  He still seems to want to spend time with me though and we do have a nice time and share several interests.  I am concerned that he is not asking me to stay overnight after making love.  I know that fundamentally the relationship is flawed and I know he is aware too, but this just does not feel right to me.  Am I wrong to think he should be asking me to stay?

Honestly, I don't think you should assume you'll get an invite when you have made it clear you don't want a relationship with him. Maybe this is him setting a boundary for himself, and not wanting to extend intimacy to falling asleep and waking up together when you're not working toward  a relationship. 

He's okay to sleep with you but given that you yourself say you haven't been very kind to him, I am not sure why you expect to be invited to spend the night with him. If this isn't working for you, stop sleeping together. 

Edited July 18, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[chillii]

4 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Thank you both for your thoughts on this.  It doesn't feel right to me.  He doesn't throw me out or anything but I just feel like he is expecting me to go.  He doesn't say so, there is just a waiting kind of feeling about it all.

I could not stay if I was not wanted.  He does seem to want me around but not when he's tired.  I have already decided we won't end up in bed any more.  Whether we'll just go our separate ways after that, I don't know.  He still seemed to want to see me even when we were not having sex, just enjoyed the company I think.

 

 

lt's just convenience and really that's all it is for you too. He doesn't want you to stay, your just a friend thing that goes too far and then later probably feels off, because you both know it's nothing more.

 

 

 

Edited July 18, 2020 by chillii

[Velvet teddy]

8 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I'm really not sure what to make of this.  I would really appreciate your thoughts because I find myself in a quandary over how to react.

I have been seeing a guy on and off for a while now.  I suppose we are more like friends than in a romantic relationship but I don't know.  I'm confused about it.

Unfortunately, this guy and I are not very compatible from a practical point of view.  He is an early bird; I am a night owl.  He is attached to a religion; I am not.  But we enjoy each others company and like to go out places together.

I have been over to his place a few times to spend time talking and relaxing.  He made food and I have helped him or taken some drink and treats over too.  Things did get physical and it was nice to have that kind of attention.  Afterwards, he was clearly very tired as it was late for him.  He didn't invite me to stay so I went home.   Recently, the same thing happened again - we spent the afternoon together, ate, ended up in bed, and then again he didn't invite me to stay overnight.  I went home.

The history is that I did not feel this relationship could work due to some important incompatibilities and he is aware of that.  He still seems to want to spend time with me though and we do have a nice time and share several interests.  I am concerned that he is not asking me to stay overnight after making love.  I know that fundamentally the relationship is flawed and I know he is aware too, but this just does not feel right to me.  Am I wrong to think he should be asking me to stay?

I feel a bit like he doesn't care, that he is being nice to me as long as he is enjoying it and then he just wants me to go so he can sleep.  It's not as though he just chucks me out; he does come out and guide me out of the drive and so on and says goodnight with a kiss.  Am I being over-sensitive about this?  I doubt he has a clue that it bothers me and I don't want to ask him why he hasn't asked me to stay over.  I feel like I should just not let it get physical any more and not say why.  I know he won't ask me why things have changed.  We don't seem to be able to communicate all that well about anything that relates to feelings.  It's very odd and I've never experienced a situation before where things stay on a superficial level, but then again I haven't told anyone up front before that I don't think we are compatible long term.

I think a key  factor is you told him it may not work due to incompatibilities. What was his response to you when you said that?

It does sound a lot like fwb more than anything  else. Which clearly doesn't work for you.

Decide what you want with him and then tell him. You don't have to meet him at all if at the end of the day you don't  feel good about it. 

 

 

Edited July 18, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[Mystery4u]

Only time I have done what he has done to you is when it was just sex, and I had no interest in developing anything emotional or meaningful.

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Honestly, I don't think you should assume you'll get an invite when you have made it clear you don't want a relationship with him. Maybe this is him setting a boundary for himself, and not wanting to extend intimacy to falling asleep and waking up together when you're not working toward  a relationship. 

He's okay to sleep with you but given that you yourself say you haven't been very kind to him, I am not sure why you expect to be invited to spend the night with him. If this isn't working for you, stop sleeping together. 

 Exactly my thought. 

[ShyViolet]

I'm genuinely confused here.  You already said that you don't feel that this relationship can work, that you don't feel that you are compatible with him, and that you feel like you are more friends than romantic partners.  You sound very lukewarm about him.  So WHY are you continuing this mediocre relationship and sleeping with him at all?  He knows that you are not fully into this relationship, and then you are wondering why he isn't asking you to spend the night?  

[spiderowl]

Thank you all for your helpful comments.  I think I keep hoping that somehow magically we will become compatible but there is always something that makes me think no.

He seemed to want it to be a relationship so I'm puzzled by this aspect of things, though as I say I don't blame him.  I just know I will be just a friend from now on.

I'm not sure this guy knows how to be loving as I know a bit about his background and it was very lacking in that respect (not his fault).  It does mean it is hard to know what to expect though.  Obviously we get on well when together and have fun going places.  I do find it very confusing.  I have pretty much backed out of it before but he clearly wants to stay in touch and continue going out.

Edited July 18, 2020 by spiderowl

[Hopeful30]

23 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I'm really not sure what to make of this.  I would really appreciate your thoughts because I find myself in a quandary over how to react.

I have been seeing a guy on and off for a while now.  I suppose we are more like friends than in a romantic relationship but I don't know.  I'm confused about it.

Unfortunately, this guy and I are not very compatible from a practical point of view.  He is an early bird; I am a night owl.  He is attached to a religion; I am not.  But we enjoy each others company and like to go out places together.

I have been over to his place a few times to spend time talking and relaxing.  He made food and I have helped him or taken some drink and treats over too.  Things did get physical and it was nice to have that kind of attention.  Afterwards, he was clearly very tired as it was late for him.  He didn't invite me to stay so I went home.   Recently, the same thing happened again - we spent the afternoon together, ate, ended up in bed, and then again he didn't invite me to stay overnight.  I went home.

The history is that I did not feel this relationship could work due to some important incompatibilities and he is aware of that.  He still seems to want to spend time with me though and we do have a nice time and share several interests.  I am concerned that he is not asking me to stay overnight after making love.  I know that fundamentally the relationship is flawed and I know he is aware too, but this just does not feel right to me.  Am I wrong to think he should be asking me to stay?

I feel a bit like he doesn't care, that he is being nice to me as long as he is enjoying it and then he just wants me to go so he can sleep.  It's not as though he just chucks me out; he does come out and guide me out of the drive and so on and says goodnight with a kiss.  Am I being over-sensitive about this?  I doubt he has a clue that it bothers me and I don't want to ask him why he hasn't asked me to stay over.  I feel like I should just not let it get physical any more and not say why.  I know he won't ask me why things have changed.  We don't seem to be able to communicate all that well about anything that relates to feelings.  It's very odd and I've never experienced a situation before where things stay on a superficial level, but then again I haven't told anyone up front before that I don't think we are compatible long term.

Sounds like he's using you as a filler and doesn't have serious intentions. You can't blame him for this, though. You keep going home, no questions asked. Of course he's going to continue this way if he assumes you're okay with it.

My question is, why do you want to stay the night? In your words, you are incompatible for longterm. 

[spiderowl]

Good question!  We get on well when we are together and it just seems natural to me to be asked to stay the night.  I know it sounds a bit strange and I don't know why it has continued, I think basically because he seems to want it to, despite my reservations.  He may change his mind though.

I'm going to keep this on a friendship basis from now on.  I don't feel comfortable with the way the evening is ending.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you have said you haven't been very kind to him. Can you explain that means exactly?

I am not convinced he doesn't know how to be loving in general, or if he just doesn't feel that loving toward you.  Not wanting to spend the night cuddled up to a woman who has treated him unkindly is not that out-of-pocket. 

It would be helpful if you can clarify the backstory because it might explain his current mindset and why he isn't keen to have you sleep over. 

[basil67]

It sounds like he knows you don't seem him as a potential partner, it does make sense that he doesn't encourage you to spend the night.   We can't expect a man to wrap his loving arms around and keep you for the night if the love isn't welcomed by us.

[healing light]

I have not read all the responses to this thread. But you are the one who put the brakes on things, that implied or outright said you couldn't do a serious relationship with him long-term because of incompatibilities, yet you are surprised that he's not acting like a boyfriend?

And you want to just withdraw sex and not say why?

You are the one giving mixed signals in my view. He is following your lead and sounds like he would have liked something more serious with you, but you pulled that off the table so he's doing the next best thing which is some form of quasi-relationship or FWB with perhaps the hope that one day you'll change your mind.

[Gaeta]

14 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Thank you all for your helpful comments.  I think I keep hoping that somehow magically we will become compatible but there is always something that makes me think no.

So, you don't want him, but you want him to want you. 

Often women are their own worst ennemy.