In Sync Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 I can't seem to explain why, but these past few days I feel like I'm not holding it together. Its like I built this wall up and was so confident that I was moving on and had my s*** together and suddenly the whole impact of knowing I'm never going to get back with him again has knocked me over. I'm choking back tears as I walk the streets, I stare endlessly at my computer hoping for a message from him, nothing has come and each day I feel devastated. He's simply stopped caring about me. I am trying like hell to endure this...but its so lonely and unbearable at times. I was so close to just calling him but have stopped myself from doing something in the long run that I lnow is futile. This is so hard, and tonight I'm just not feeling to strong enough to handle any of this.
hooghie Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Hang in there- things will get better in time. I've been in your shoes and the pain is so bad. I actually felt pian reading your post and remembering how bad it is, but I promise you- you will be happy again and each day ultimately makes it easier. Focus on yourself right now. Do whatever you can to make yourself happy- spend time with friends and family. take care....
sanne Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 this is the time for you to really use your friends and family for support. you've spent years building up friendships and bonds, and now is the time when you need their help the most. trying to do this alone is, in my opinion, one of the hardest things to do. i know, i tried it, and i just couldn't cope properly on my own. just remember why you are doing NC, because you want to get better. nothing good ever comes easy, but when you make it out of this you will be so proud of yourself that you were able to overcome all of this. that joy and happiness of knowing that I am stronger than my failed relationship is what keeps me going. and WHATEVER you do, do not pick up that phone and call him. please let me story be a reminder to you how horrible an idea that is. they do not want to talk to you, if they did they would contact you. there is also the potential for them to say some very nasty and hurtful things. why put up with it?
slubberdegullion Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 In Sync: From your post, I think you've been spending too much time in the self-help section of the library or bookstore. "Coming apart at the seams," "built a wall," "knocked me over" are all self-help doublespeak. I'm a big fan of reality. What you are going through is grief, pure and simple. All grief emerges from some sort of loss. So, instead of dancing about with self-help drivel, work with reality. Define what it is that you're actually upset about. Is it the fact that you've lost him? Or is it the possibility that you've lost an envisioned future? There are lots of other, quality men. You can define and generate your own future. Yes, it's hard sometimes. It's supposed to be. So keep working towards your own personal future, defined in whichever way you choose. You're going to be fine.
Author In Sync Posted October 11, 2005 Author Posted October 11, 2005 slubberdegullion you pegged me right on that one...I have loads and loads of self help books and none them seem to be working. I keep looking for an answer so maybe just maybe I can forget about him and get on. I'm not letting go easily. This feels lonely and that really sucks. It's my own fault for building up the relationship I should have known better I should have stopped but I got myself into it way more than he did and I wasn't ready for it to end. I wanted to make the relationship better, I was prepared to work really hard and make it better between us again ..I just wasn't prepared for it to come to a complete end... so right now I just feel I don't have anyone to love anymore. and WHATEVER you do, do not pick up that phone and call him. please let me story be a reminder to you how horrible an idea that is. they do not want to talk to you, if they did they would contact you. there is also the potential for them to say some very nasty and hurtful things. sanne, I was this close to calling him. I will not. It's a undeniable urge though. And it's true he doesn't want want to talk to me. He was never one for communicating openly, always avoiding anything that's uncomfortable..hearing from me would be in that category. Hell, he even became angry with me when I told him I loved him so I am sure my call would be unwelcomed.
darkknight Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Hi In Sync feeling your pain. Are you looking after yourself, going to the gym, meeting friends, pursuing hobbies and meeting lots of great guys? This is the positivity in your present life that will stop you harking back to the good things that you had with this guy in the past. Pursuing this present positivity is a JOB
Author In Sync Posted October 11, 2005 Author Posted October 11, 2005 I do go to the gym and I work a day job as I pursue an acting career on the side, but oddly enough I don't have many friends. Really just one and she lives in Florida, I'm in NY. I'm all about work and focus on that but being a social person is my weakest area. And that is probably why I bonded to my ex so readily. He became my best friend and lover. And now I feel completely abandoned. I tried to do it on my own read books to heal. Then I discovered LS. Meeting guys for me right just seems unimaginable. I'm in a zombie state. I do things but not really connected to what I'm doing. That dooesn't make for a good date does it. In some ways I'm feeling petrified, I'm sort of scared. Scared of being stuck in this state indefintely. I wish I didn't still miss him so much.
Rocko Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Hey In Sync, I think Slubberdegullion is right on the dot when he mentions all those self-help books. I think its very possible you've "convinced" yourself that you are ok (I think self-help books and sometimes even LS can do that to a person). You attempt to pull the wool over your eyes and convince yourself your ok, bottling up those emotions and showing the world how strong you are, while inside, you are quivering under the ever-increasing pressure of those bottled-up emotions. You also mention that you wonder how he stopped caring for you; that shows you are comparing yourself to him. The true reason behind NC is that you will stop comparing yourself to your ex. You are amazed that he was able to move so fast, and you feel left behind. Release those emotions, and free yourself from their taint! Best of Luck.
pippen_2k Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Also, you said you sit infront of your computer waiting for a message from him.. in all hounesty just turn your messanger/e mail off alltogether for a few months. Half the stuff we do on these is just garbage newayz! You can still use your computer, but the anxiety of waiting for a reply from him is obviously killing you.
Author In Sync Posted October 11, 2005 Author Posted October 11, 2005 It's very hard doing this, on your own. I want to be numb because I don't know what to do with all this pain.
legrtova Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 It looks to me like you are moving towards the acceptance stage! That's a good thing! Just hang in there, it will get better! Hope you feel better today. Hugs!
Outcast Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 There's nothing wrong with self-help books. In fact, there's one called 'How to survive the loss of a love' that can be read free online that's excellent. Nonetheless, even the best self-help book won't mitigate the fact that the recovery from loss is not a straight uphill climb but rather a roller-coaster ride. You climb up the hill and think you're all fine and then zoom - down into the valley again. It's all part of the recovery process and will probably happen several more times before you are really out of the woods. Just know when it happens that it's normal and will pass eventually. Don't think that you've backslid forever.
brooke7777 Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 In Sync- I think you nailed how I am feeling. I've been having a really rough past few days. I too feel like I was at a point where I could say I was doing ok and now I feel like I've been knocked back down a few pegs. Me and my boy had decided that we needed to take at least one month of NC and it has been a little over one month...so deep down I keep waiting for that call, text message, email, whatever, any form of contact. I've tried all of the standard get over him techniques...trying to keep busy, working extra hours, exercising, etc. But nothing seems to help. So many memories just keep flooding back into my mind. My friends really haven't been all that supportive and I think my family is starting to get sick of me. I've never felt so alone. It's so hard to know that you were willing to give it all and the other person just gave up. I wish I could just knock some sense into him. I had my whole life planned and now it's in total disarray. I feel like I'm never going to feel happy again. Hopefully our pain will subside a little bit tomorrow. Hang in there.
Author In Sync Posted October 12, 2005 Author Posted October 12, 2005 Years ago I was met a girl in one of my acting classes and befriended her. She was quite lovely and pretty but there was always this air of sadness with her. It carried over into her work and she did beautiful work in class. This was all long before I ever encountered the ex. Anyway she told me about the love of her life who ended their relationship well over a year from the time I met her..she was still not over him. She was not able to enjoy going out without somehow mentioning this lost love...for the life of me, I couldn't understand how she could easily attract other men, how she could still be heartbroken. I remembered how she'd tear up unexpectedly while we out walking. I didn't get it then what she was going through. Now I do. Why did this have to happen to me. Everyone else gets to be in love and happy, why couldn't it have worked for me. How can you be with someone for 2years and they turn cold and aloof, and then disappear. No explanation, just nothing.Its cruel and insensitive and I just want an answer as to how someone can be that way to a person you know who loved you. I'm angry and I trusted someone with my heart and I've got nothing in return not even a decent good-bye.
brooke7777 Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 It really sucks that we have to go through this. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I know that nothing can ease the pain. It really makes you question things when someone can seemingly walk away so easily. I feel like we are both feeling that way and it really sucks. My ex walked away after almost 3 1/2 years and I still don't understand why. The whole "why me?" syndrome is enough to drive one madly insane. It's those unanswered questions that are the hardest to cope with...if only I knew the answers I feel like I could begin to move on a little easier. It really hurts to know that you gave someone your whole heart and that they supposedly gave you theirs and then poof they disappear in an instant. And do you know what drive me even more crazy...when people say, "Time heals all wounds." I hate that phrase. Time is not on my side right now. Time is moving so slowly and just prolonging my pain. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
bendit Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 Hey in sync. Do you have private messages enabled? Mike
Author In Sync Posted October 12, 2005 Author Posted October 12, 2005 Hey LS, As slubberdegullion pointed out the realitywas/is I am grieving. I accept it. Today I am in a more stable place, but I don't delude myself into thinking "oh it's passed and it's done and over with...obviously that's what happened before and unexpectedly it came back. Only I now I get it. And if it happens I can only live with it. I guess I'm one of those types that pretend all is ok and then it blows up in my face when I'm not...I'm so surprised too, because I'm no stranger to having dated and breaking up but this time it was almost like the last straw and it hit me hard. I can honestly say I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy. The other lesson I learned from this is how there's a world divided, people who are have empathy and those who don't. And when the two mate pain is sure to follow. You gents out there thanks for all the support..its like having on-line big brothers who look after you. And the same for the ladies in the house, big sistahs! p.s. bendit, I double checked and I don't think the PM is disabled.
scobro Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Years ago I was met a girl in one of my acting classes and befriended her. She was quite lovely and pretty but there was always this air of sadness with her. It carried over into her work and she did beautiful work in class. This was all long before I ever encountered the ex. Anyway she told me about the love of her life who ended their relationship well over a year from the time I met her..she was still not over him. She was not able to enjoy going out without somehow mentioning this lost love...for the life of me, I couldn't understand how she could easily attract other men, how she could still be heartbroken. I remembered how she'd tear up unexpectedly while we out walking. I didn't get it then what she was going through. Now I do. Why did this have to happen to me. Everyone else gets to be in love and happy, why couldn't it have worked for me. How can you be with someone for 2years and they turn cold and aloof, and then disappear. No explanation, just nothing.Its cruel and insensitive and I just want an answer as to how someone can be that way to a person you know who loved you. I'm angry and I trusted someone with my heart and I've got nothing in return not even a decent good-bye. Wow this is my situation except my wife after 3 years suddenly said it's over.I AM STILL DEVASTATED its been 2 months I just moved into a new apartment.I have read every self help book around from Healing a Broken Heart to Abandonment and Healing.I am constantly hurting wondering who she is with what she is doing.It is the most traumatic event I have ever been through.I like you do not have a real army of friends hovering around me to support me.My friends are married with kids and the single ones have never really been in relationships so they cannot relate to me.My wife was my best friend and lover and now it's over.I have come to realize I cannot be so needy on a person and it sounds like you were in the same boat as me they were literally your whole life.I never thought my wife would abandon me especially at the time we were trying to have a baby so the last thing I am thinking is she is not happy. I am still young 34 and I will find love again but right now it sucks and it is so hard and very LONELY:( but from what everyone says it will pass just better yourself to the point where you are not so needy on someone because the best time to get into another relationship is when you don't really "need" one.I can totally relate at least you know someone else feels and is going through exactly what you are going through.I bet you can relate to this "aren't weekends the absolute worst now"?I actually dread them because it's so lonely.Take care In sync I am here if you need to vent.
Author In Sync Posted October 14, 2005 Author Posted October 14, 2005 scobro, so much has transpired between this thread and one which I elaborated on my having received a messege from the ex. There is a thread I created titled HE E-MAILED ME...Look closely on this forum you'll it. I'm in deep gratitude to those of you who despite your own pain still offer to hears the cries of mine and others. That's the only positive thing I've gotten aside from the hard cold fact lessons thrusted upon me from my experience in handling how to cope with this. I reached my turning point today after one last setback. And I have concluded which I stated it's boiled down to me throwing in the towel. I am not going to gain anything from a no win situation. Agonizing over him is eventually detrimental to my well being. For my own sake I have to move pick myself up and move forward. There's no other option. Today I don't feel anything. I'm done with him. Harboring just an ounce of hope or affection is destrucutive to me.
off2sea Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Good for you In Sync, well said. It seems this has been a tough week for many of us but also eye-opening in some ways. I survived a rebound situation date I didn't want to go on and text messages after 11 months of NC. Point is we can survive and get stronger.
JohnJohn Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Stay positive and things will be better in time. I know this sounds cliche or repetetive, but it will be okay. I know how it is to expect an e-mail from them. I actually changed my e-mail so I wouldn't have the temptation to check and see if I had a message from my ex. I am still hoping that for some reason my ex will come to her senses and contact me, but I also know that it probably won't happen and if you keep hoping for it then it won't happen. If it does happen, it is almost always when you least expect it. It seems that when you have moved on then that is when an ex contacts you. It's like they have a sixth sense and know when that is. It's best to move on for yourself and not for a hope that the ex will call. Allow yourself to grieve. Crying is okay. It will help you move on faster than if you supress your feelings.
brittanyjean259 Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Im going through the same thing, and reading this just reminds me that im really not okay... there are times when i want to just scream im like" why is this happening, it cant be its so real"...and when your day is bad...you jsut get aggainst every one...you just feel so alone... im so young and hate to have to go threw this...BUT DOESNT every one go threw it?? i meen has any one gone through life with out loosing a love?...it really does suck suckkkkkkk soo badd....but there is hope and if you have that type of attitude you will walk threw this not so bad. JUST dont ingore your hurt because than it will do a sneak attack and scare the hell out of you. my relationship was almost 3 years...and he rebounded? havent talked to him in almost 3 months devasating...shocking isnt it. he wasnt right for me though. and its sad how im so insecure now...even when i was with him. he made m feel that way
Jeannie Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I feel all of your pain folks - I was done with my ex after our last breakup but suddenly 4 months later I'm having anxiety attacks and major depression over this breakup. I am fighting the urge to contact him. I am trying everything to keep my mind off him but nothing is working. The urge to go running back is so strong - I'm afraid of contacting him and being hurt even more so I'm doing nothing. I want to write a letter, drive by his house, etc. This is horrible. I think after we broke up I went into denial and was numb - now reality has hit and I'm grieving and mourning the loss. I was too angry up until now - now all I want to do is get him back.
brittanyjean259 Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 yeah, im subcounsily indenial...i know hes gone...but when i truly think about it is when i could break down... and than holding on to the hope of him possibly coming back thats bad... i feel whole just thinking about it...i meen its just a terrible terrible sad lose...especially when they try to replace you..with some one who has the same freaking name:-x... just think bad thoughts...i meen im sure there was something wrong he did to you..hold done to that dont beat your self up...thats what i try to do
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