Caught him on dating app

[elaine567]

51 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I think it would have been foolish of me to end things just because he went MIA for a few days

I think it would have been eminently sensible, instead of stalking him, to find he was looking for other women... not only once but twice...
Men who don't want you, don't want you.
You have to take note of that.
WE know you want him to say he wants a relationship with you, and maybe you could shame him into doing that, but that is not sustainable. One day he will resent you and walk.
This is his first relationship too, this will not be his last, so save yourself the bother and keep walking...

[Wiseman2]

On 7/23/2020 at 5:20 PM, lovesfool said:

I've discovered a very good way of not thinking about him - have a really bad day at work. I'm so stressed at the moment, depressingly so. I've enough to be worried about without dealing with his antics. The only time he popped into my head today is when I felt I needed a hug from someone  .

Try not to see yourself as a victim but rather that LDRs rarely work out.

If you are feeling sad or lonely consider talking to your doctor about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh dear. 

Meet him if you wish, but have a good friend ready to call or visit after. You will need it because this is bound to hurt you more than help you, in the end. This isn't going to end the way you hope. 

 

[lovesfool]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Oh dear. 

Meet him if you wish, but have a good friend ready to call or visit after. You will need it because this is bound to hurt you more than help you, in the end. This isn't going to end the way you hope. 

I think I am portraying myself poorly on this. I am in no way emotionally distraught or crippled by this. I am disappointed and a little bit upset, yes. I have not been crying, I haven't lost any sleep, I will likely "get over" this in a few weeks, like any other breakup I've had.

I know I come across as intense, but I have a very analytical mind and like to talk everything out. I am known to argue against things I agree with, just to get a two sided discussion going - playing devil's advocate I guess. It's not to wind people up, but my own refusal to accept that certain things are so black and white.

I think this discussion has been great to help me see things I may not have seen otherwise. I can sense the frustration from everyone, but trust me, I know my own mind when it comes to these things and why I behave the way I do. My problem is that I don't understand some people, and why they behave the way they do. I know it's just humans being humans, but when I don't see an immediate logical answer it really gets to me and so I try to find some logical positive reason why someone would do this. Foolish? Maybe, but I need to try stay optimistic in life.

[ExpatInItaly]

24 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I think I am portraying myself poorly on this. I am in no way emotionally distraught or crippled by this. I am disappointed and a little bit upset, yes. I have not been crying, I haven't lost any sleep, 

I have to say, what you have posted in this thread very much suggests the opposite.

Somewhere earlier in this thread, you yourself said you were "heartbroken" over this, and that you didn't know how you were going to get over this. That is is more than disappointed and a little upset. Your words, LF. 

Part of the issue seems to be that you're only fleetingly honest with yourself about your own feelings and then try to minimize them any time you grasp of glimmer of hope, however faint it may be. It's emotional back-pedaling and it's risky because it means you're again not really listening to your own gut instincts. 

Edited July 25, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[lovesfool]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I have to say, what you have posted in this thread very much suggests the opposite.

Somewhere earlier in this thread, you yourself said you were "heartbroken" over this, and that you didn't know how you were going to get over this. That is is more than disappointed and a little upset. Your words, LF. 

Part of the issue seems to be that you're only fleetingly honest with yourself about your own feelings and then try to minimize them any time you grasp of glimmer of hope, however faint it may be. 

I don't recall, but I might have. I'm guessing it was right after it happened and was looking to vent. Is that not to be expected after a sudden breakup, even if it was only 4 months? I'm more disappointed than anything now.

I'm not sure I follow your last sentence. Do you mean I'm ignoring my feelings? What feelings am I minimizing? I don't know what to tell you. I get told I'm over invested and too emotionally attached, then when I say that I'm not as upset as you think I am I'm told I'm minimizing my feelings!

I don't see any glimmers of hope at the moment. Yes I was hopeful before, but why are you judging me for that? Why couldn't I tell myself that there's a chance that it was a misunderstanding when there is that chance, even if it is unlikely. I'm pessimistic enough when it comes to dating. It's nice to be optimistic sometimes.

[kendahke]

34 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Somewhere earlier in this thread, you yourself said you were "heartbroken" over this,

13 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I don't recall, but I might have.

On 7/19/2020 at 2:52 PM, lovesfool said:

I am really heartbroken about this.

  Understand: we're not the ones in denial. If you wrote it, own it.
 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I don't recall, but I might have. I'm guessing it was right after it happened and was looking to vent. Is that not to be expected after a sudden breakup, even if it was only 4 months? I'm more disappointed than anything now.

I'm not sure I follow your last sentence. Do you mean I'm ignoring my feelings? What feelings am I minimizing? I don't know what to tell you. I get told I'm over invested and too emotionally attached, then when I say that I'm not as upset as you think I am I'm told I'm minimizing my feelings!

You are completely misunderstanding what I mean. 

To clarify: I didn't say you shouldn't feel however you feel, heartbroken or otherwise. What I meant is that you have had doubts about this guy longer than this thread had existed. Those doubts stretch back further, as evidenced in your previous threads. But you tried to snuff them out.  You've done that a few times in this thread too, looking for ways to justify his behavior and rationalize away your own hurt. My guess is that you do this because acknowledging the hurt also means acknowledging the reality of the situation, which is that this guy was just not as interested as you hoped. 

Now that he has agreed to meet you, you're suddenly saying you're not that upset about it anymore. It's a pretty quick turn-around, you have to admit. My concern that is your're going to fall into your previous tendency to minimize and justify whatever concerns you have just to give yourself a reason to hang on to him a little longer. Because if this guy says anything but a very firm "no," I think you are going to come back here telling us that you're going to give him a chance and it's not as bad as you thought and it was all a misunderstanding- and then this cycle will repeat itself. 

[poppyfields]

So he has agreed to see you tomorrow, on relatively short notice.    He is driving two hours to see you. 

This is after you dumped him.  

Question:  Since he is so willing to see you on such relatively short notice, drive two hours, clearly his previous excuse about the distance being an issue while you were "interacting on line"  was total BS.

Not to mention, since he apparently has no issue driving to see you now, why the * did you only see each other four times in four months? 

Surely, obviously, it was not the distance that prevented it.  

What story are you telling yourself, trying to convince yourself of, that justifies this in you mind?  

Four times in four months?  I don't mean to sound harsh, but really?  Only four real dates in FOUR months and all this drama?

I have no other words other than play it out and learn from it.. 

 

Edited July 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[kendahke]

You'll find out within a month whether he is for real or not.  So far his track record is to tell you anything and toss out a crumb trail of "psychotic hope" to get you off his back because it works.

I seriously doubt this meeting is going to take place and if it does, I'll bet dollars to donuts that it's him telling you that this isn't going to work, but you're a great gal and he wants to remain friends. He may even squeeze out a tear or two...

Still--240 miles stands between you and his resolve... there's no getting around that. He has yet to demonstrate that he's going to drive 240 miles 3-5 days/week to see you or more to the point: let you do it. Has he even given you his home address?

Edited July 25, 2020 by kendahke

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are completely misunderstanding what I mean. 

To clarify: I didn't say you shouldn't feel however you feel, heartbroken or otherwise. What I meant is that you have had doubts about this guy longer than this thread had existed. Those doubts stretch back further, as evidenced in your previous threads. But you tried to snuff them out.  You've done that a few times in this thread too, looking for ways to justify his behavior and rationalize away your own hurt. My guess is that you do this because acknowledging the hurt also means acknowledging the reality of the situation, which is that this guy was just not as interested as you hoped. 

Now that he has agreed to meet you, you're suddenly saying you're not that upset about it anymore. It's a pretty quick turn-around, you have to admit. My concern that is your're going to fall into your previous tendency to minimize and justify whatever concerns you have just to give yourself a reason to hang on to him a little longer. Because if this guy says anything but a very firm "no," I think you are going to come back here telling us that you're going to give him a chance and it's not as bad as you thought and it was all a misunderstanding- and then this cycle will repeat itself. 

^^Another gem to cut and paste to your fridge.  Read every morn and every night.  

I think we all or most of us have been there, got our hearts broken and learned from the experience. 

Edit:  Ask yourself why you're so willing to chase a man who is clearly unavailable, emotionally and otherwise, to have a RL.

What does that say about you?  Nevermind him, what's happening within you that makes this man and situation so appealing to you?   

And why do you not find men who are available to spend regular time together on a consistent basis and have a RL with you appealing?  Which you have alluded to in previous posts.

Edited July 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

There is no closure needed, no meeting needed, he lied period. He's a liar, liars lie.

You must think very low of yourself to be willing to give time to a man that has lied to you twice. 

He did you wrong and you're the one running after him! Haven't you got some dignity?

I am an analytic person as well, but above being analytic I am logic. To me it's not logic that you will put aside time to meet a man that has lied to you. It's like giving him a gift. He doesn't deserve your time. He doesn't even deserve a phone call, I'd block him and move on. You want to dig in the hope to find something good deep down in this man. It's not there, not for you. 

And good relationships don't start on  misunderstandings, and they don't start with him or her prowling in your back. Get that out of your mind. Good relationships start easy, it unfold naturally with no games.

Edited July 25, 2020 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

LF, agree with Gaeta, and I hope to God, if/when you see him tomorrow, you don't end up in bed with him!  

Attempting to close the emotional gap through sex.  You wouldn't be the first woman attempting to do that, it rarely if ever works.  Essentially rewarding him for shyt behaviour.  

You sound so much like me years back with my ex.  So much shady behavior, lying, even cheating, all of which I swept under the rug.  Denial basically. 

People warned me, and I'm like "but but but you don't understand our connection!"

I'm lucky I didn't pick up a STD from him, living in never-never land the way I was.

I surely don't want this to happen to you.  Always stay real.  Be true to yourself.  And pay attention.  

Remain strong and resilient. . 

 

 

Edited July 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

My problem is that I don't understand some people, and why they behave the way they do. I know it's just humans being humans, but when I don't see an immediate logical answer it really gets to me and so I try to find some logical positive reason why someone would do this. Foolish? Maybe, but I need to try stay optimistic in life.

I've got news for you there will always be people you don't understand or their behavior.  I don't understand serial killers but I know they aren't someone I want to befriend and would run if I thought I was in their presence.  It's not up to you to figure everyone out but to know what your standards and boundaries are and keep them no matter who walks into your life.  Most importantly you need to learn when it is time to let someone go.

[poppyfields]

To further stillafool's excellent point and the post he quoted, instead of wasting time and energy attempting to understand why others do what they do, better to spend that time and energy attempting to understand why you do what you do.  Why you respond and react as you do.

Like what is motivating you to continue longing for and chasing a guy who is not only unavailable to have anything even remotely resembling a healthy and functional relationship with you but who is a bonafide liar!

Do you not think that your time and energy would be better spent attempting to understand yourself?  Which you can do?

Versus attempting to understand him or others?  Which you will never be able to do?

And not yours to understand anyway.  It's theirs to understand and fix.

Focus on and worry about yourself and why you are allowing yourself to cling to such madness.

Edited July 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

11 hours ago, elaine567 said:

OK, but you are meeting him merely to tell him off, to call him out and that IMO could be dangerous... You hardly know the man.

 

I suspect the real motivation is the hope that he will beg her not to end "it."

I fully expect to read part 2 of this saga.

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

I suspect the real motivation is the hope that he will beg her not to end "it."

Agreed...

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I suspect the real motivation is the hope that he will beg her not to end "it."

I fully expect to read part 2 of this saga.

He might, he may even cry.  I've seen it happen. 

Assuming he's a commitmentphobe, which I still think he might be, they are notorious for crying after being dumped and wanting to come back and "be better." 

If that happens, don't be fooled LF, it's the rejection he's responding to, not losing you. 

Then again, there's a big part of me that does not think he's CP, just a guy not interested in having a RL with you.

Sorry to be so blunt.  Please be careful, protect your heart.  

 

[Wiseman2]

You've seen a character flaw very early on which is better than seeing it once you're in deeper. Don't contact him, just stop seeing him..... or shoot him 

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

I've got news for you there will always be people you don't understand or their behavior.  I don't understand serial killers but I know they aren't someone I want to befriend and would run if I thought I was in their presence.  It's not up to you to figure everyone out but to know what your standards and boundaries are and keep them no matter who walks into your life.  Most importantly you need to learn when it is time to let someone go.

10000% to the bolded

[Versacehottie]

14 hours ago, lovesfool said:

My friend advised me say goodbye in person as ending it over the phone is never the way to go. How true that is, I don't know.

I need to see him for my own closure. I know you'll tell me I don't need to do it, or I shouldn't, but I'm committed to ending things in person so please don't say it. Please.

I'm not looking to change his mind, I'm just going to lay my cards on the table. I will tell him I know that he is lying and that he has really hurt me. I was willing to give it a chance, but you refused to own up to the lie and tried to trick me into believing you. I'm going to tell him we will never work and it's nobody's fault but your own.

If anything, it will clear my head and give some hope in the future for any girl that he dates, but he's a poisoned chalice to me now.

Holy melodrama!!!

Wow, you are determined to mind bend any tiny thing into what you want it to be for a last ditch attempt.  As I said, the behavior is pathetic & desperate.  However, I think any of us could have predicted some version of this.

You are in such denial it's annoying.  Let's be 100% real, at the bottom of your motives you will do ANYTHING to hold onto that last possible chance. To cloak it in the statement that you are there for the very altruistic reason that you want to pave the road for his future girlfriend is laughable. It's not for closure and it's not for his future girlfriends.  This is for you and an attempt to fix it.  TBH, you may even get a momentary reprieve from him, in the form of a hook up for the day or a small few week verbal re-commitment to a fake relationship (which we know how that will go with MORE monitoring his dating app activity because you won't have any level of trust).  This has got to be one one of the most overbearing threads I've ever read.   I'm even guessing that your friend 1/2 says what you want to hear to get you off her back. 

I believe you will justify practically anything to hang onto this.  

How exactly are you not portraying yourself exactly as you are with us? Emotionally distraught, etc. You are begging us to not even tell you, much less THINK that it is a bad idea to meet up with him.  And to believe the lies that you tell yourself that it is for closure.  I can't see why you want to meet up with this guy who you are still so desperate over to "tell him you will never work" when you are so greatly affected by and infatuated with him. He already TOLD YOU it wasn't going to work and has not been trying to get you back whatsoever. It was 4 dates!!!  I honestly can't believe he agreed to go to this farce.  He doesn't OWE you clearing your head and if that was your first and only motive, you know as well as we do that you will have 100 more questions and thought patterns to "discuss" with him about it.

This is OVERLY ATTACHED personified. ugh.  you need to come back to reality.  Your ego is playing so loud in this saga.  I don't even know if you will give us the real story afterward and/or if you have a short reunited period with him in which you monitor like crazy and drive yourself nuts, if you will just create another user name so we can be dragged along that saga. Like introverted says I fully expect part 2 of this dilemma.  You need to learn how to let go.  This isn't healthy.

Edited July 25, 2020 by Versacehottie

[lovesfool]

I've read everything you've all said and I must say a lot of you need to work on your bedside manner. There seems to be a lot of agitation because of me, a complete stranger, asking advice. You might see me going down a route that you know is wrong, or thinking about doing things that will lead to disappointment and I can see why you would want to warn me. But phrases like "haven't you got dignity?", using the word "pathetic" and even the occasional frustrated "ugh" does not make me feel any better and is more likely to cause me to become annoyed. I wonder if you would phrase things in the same way if you were talking to a friend in person or would you be more sympathetic.

There is a notable exception with poppyfields. I have found all of your posts to be helpful and never judgemental, and I thank you for that.

[introverted1]

To be fair, the advice and tone on pages 1-2 was different from what you are seeing on pages 6-9.  People get frustrated when you ask for input and then ignore it.

Isn't the reason you came on an anonymous message board so that you would receive objective feedback?  Friends often tell us what we want to hear (as yours seem to have) because their #1 priority is in not disturbing the friendship. A friend who knows you want to do something foolish isn't going to tell you so bluntly but will either say it so gently you miss it, or perhaps not say anything at all for fear of hurting your feelings.  Here, people pretty much tell it like it is and that can sometimes be a hard pill to swallow.  It doesn't make the advice any less accurate, though.  My suggestion is to focus less on the tone and more on the content.  Objective observers from a multitude of backgrounds, ages, and perspectives are all saying the same thing.

Good luck.

[dangerous]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I've read everything you've all said and I must say a lot of you need to work on your bedside manner. There seems to be a lot of agitation because of me, a complete stranger, asking advice. You might see me going down a route that you know is wrong, or thinking about doing things that will lead to disappointment and I can see why you would want to warn me. But phrases like "haven't you got dignity?", using the word "pathetic" and even the occasional frustrated "ugh" does not make me feel any better and is more likely to cause me to become annoyed. I wonder if you would phrase things in the same way if you were talking to a friend in person or would you be more sympathetic.

There is a notable exception with poppyfields. I have found all of your posts to be helpful and never judgemental, and I thank you for that.

Yes, I am surprised this thread is still going frankly... and many posters are becoming quite defensive/ emotional. My last post to you, I think was page 5, was along the lines that you have all our advice, and you know the options but YOU must do what YOU want to do. Even though I don't personally believe meeting him will give you much benefit, it is what YOU want to do, so that sits well with me. If you feel better after it, then that's a success, and if its not a good experience then hopefully you will learn from it for the next time. We are only ever ready to learn, when we are truly ready!  

Good luck with your meeting and if you are up to it, let us know how it goes and what you decide. Above all, take care of YOURSELF.

Edited July 26, 2020 by dangerous

[Versacehottie]

Call it trying to give you a wake up call.

I mean here you are again, when you don't like something you are hearing you are trying to control it by lecturing like you were planning to do to your dating app guy, thinking it will make us feel bad because that's the same MO you planned for him.  It doesn't work.  What you are doing is embarrassing, and transparent and most of us can see through it as to your real motive. You keep trying to bend and manipulate it so it's less so but it's still see through from page one.

I notice how you conveniently left out the update of what happened when you saw him yesterday.  Let me guess, he flaked?  This is what I had my money on.

I do feel bad for you because of where your continued ways will lead you but it doesn't change that I will want to give you the correct advice for this. You should look up relationship OCD, which i just read about the other day.  Not a lot of research done on it yet but i think it fits (not only for you but many other people I've seen).  I truly hope you get the help that you need & find solace.  Maybe you can keep doing things the way you have been and it will work out; that's not usually how these things go though.  Goodluck