Author lovesfool Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 30 minutes ago, Velvet teddy said: Always remember he lied to you about his dating profile still being up. If he could lie about that imagine what other lies he could be feeding you if you two started up again. Everyone lies, but I just happened to catch this one. I've told guys I've dated before that I was sick when they wanted to meet up because I wanted to meet my own friends. It wasn't out of malice as I cared for them, but I knew they would get upset if I chose my friends over them. Come to think of it, if they did find out it would look really bad, but in the moment it felt like I was making the right call. 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I would like to address this. We all feel that way at the end of a relationship but it's a feeling that's totally untrue it's only born out fear of being alone. There is always someone better waiting for us. There is no special age or special time to fall in love. There are 100s and 100s of men available for you to date. It's better for you to wait for the right guy to come along than to be matched with the wrong one, and this one is the wrong one. Do you really want to exhaust yourself teaching a 26 year old what is loyalty and integrity? And it's not his age or his lack of experience that makes him such a bad date, it's his lack of interest and his need to play the field. It feels especially difficult for me because I'm from a small area and I think I've seen every single guy on the dating apps. If you keep waiting for the "right guy" or the "perfect match", you could be very disappointed. There's no such thing as "the one" and have many friends who are in truly loving relationships, but it was happenstance (and in some cases fear of getting too old!) that brought them together. There's always going to be someone out there who is more beautiful, funnier, or more caring than your partner, but in the end you fall in love with imperfect partners who all have their flaws, some greater than others. 1
dangerous Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 As others have said, the OP won't take advice, and she needs to try everything she feels might work. This is indeed what many before have done. So yes, weigh up the options and give it another try/ more tries BUT please try and learn from the feedback you get from the experiences.. And do not be a desperate doormat, a good relationship needs to make both of you happier. 1
Author lovesfool Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 6 minutes ago, dangerous said: As others have said, the OP won't take advice, and she needs to try everything she feels might work. This is indeed what many before have done. So yes, weigh up the options and give it another try/ more tries BUT please try and learn from the feedback you get from the experiences.. And do not be a desperate doormat, a good relationship needs to make both of you happier. I am taking advice on board, please believe me. I haven't made any decisions yet and won't until I'm clear in my mind. It's hard to be logical when emotions are involved. 1
kendahke Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 15 minutes ago, lovesfool said: If you keep waiting for the "right guy" or the "perfect match", you could be very disappointed. Totally disagree. I've waited 10 years to find the gentleman I'm currently dating and he was worth the wait. And I'm 60. When you invest in strangling your desperation for a relationship and instead, invest that energy into building a fulfilling life and trusting the process of finding someone not out of desperation, but of true compatibility, loyalty and affection, you will find yourself not aimlessly flailing about to try to keep tenterhooks in someone who doesn't want to be caught and then making excuses for why you're settling for so much less than you deserve. But if you feel this guy is all you deserve, then go chase him down and make him be with you. See how that works out and if you'll like the person you'll have to become in order to keep him--not keep him interested, but keep him. Two completely different things. He's already shown you he's not interested because of how he's proceeded. The fact that he confirmed everything I told you in one of my earlier posts from his own mouth tells me that those of us with objective opinions on this guy are closer to the truth of them than you want to appreciate. 8
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) 29 minutes ago, lovesfool said: If you keep waiting for the "right guy" or the "perfect match", you could be very disappointed. There's no such thing as "the one" and have many friends who are in truly loving relationships, but it was happenstance (and in some cases fear of getting too old!) that brought them together. There's always going to be someone out there who is more beautiful, funnier, or more caring than your partner, but in the end you fall in love with imperfect partners who all have their flaws, some greater than others. Sometimes I think you don't get the point of our comments on purpose. It's true, there are no 'the one' but there are people better suited for us. People who already understand loyalty, commitment, respect, and are sensitive to others. I was online 3,5 years before meeting my current boyfriend who's a great match to me. He's not perfect, I am not perfect, BUT we both put our very best into this relationship and I am glad I didn't settle with the previous men in my life just to not be alone because I would have missed out on having a great guy in my life. Then... there is what YOU call flaws that is really a lack of interest on his part. Being online searching for casual sex while dating you isn't a flaw!!! Not initiating dates with you and leaving it all to you isn't a flaw!!! LYING isn't a flaw anyway you turn it around!! unless it's a little white lie to save your feelings like *no your butt don't look fat in those jeans honey*. Edited July 21, 2020 by Gaeta 3 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 31 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Everyone lies, but I just happened to catch this one. I've told guys I've dated before that I was sick when they wanted to meet up because I wanted to meet my own friends. It wasn't out of malice as I cared for them, but I knew they would get upset if I chose my friends over them. Come to think of it, if they did find out it would look really bad, but in the moment it felt like I was making the right call. Right, but this guy wasn't lying about looking for other women because he cares about you. He was lying to protect his own skin so he didn't come across as a tool. Let's say you send him this message asking to start over and be exclusive and communicate more openly, and he turns it down? Or says yes, but you find him dating apps again? Or is wishy-washy, leaving you twisting in the wind again about where you stand with him? Or find out he's been talking to other women all along, and perhaps meeting up with them at the same time as he was meeting up with you? I think there is a strong possibility of the latter, to be honest. I would consider how you are going to handle it if the situation gets worse rather than better. If you don't feel you can digest any of the above, don't keep trying to make this happen. 4
SumGuy Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 8 hours ago, lovesfool said: ... I do truly believe he really liked me and wanted to make something of this, but he just totally messed it up. When he said it wasn't him on the dating app I immediately said "why did you have to say that, you've made it 100 times worse". I don't know what he expected by continuing the lie, especially as I said that if he didn't admit that it was him then there's no hope for us. Even giving him an out, he didn't take it. Maybe it's the wrong thread for this, but how does a guy like this come back from such a stupid thing? ... Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to hold out for him hoping for him to change but I'd like to think that people can realise their mistakes and recover from them. If not, then what's the point in dating anyone, they've all been flawed in my eyes. What if he was telling the truth? I can say on all the free sites I tried years ago, none deleted my profile when I asked them to (some even put my photo back up even after had removed all photos) and even one pay site kept it up until the subscription ran out. Men complain all the time about fake women profiles on sites...this one way sites do that, and so many sites are really owned by the same company. I really would not immediately dismiss his explanation. If he was telling the truth...you messed it up and not him. You'd also have to think was this the hill you wanted to die on? You have met very few times, the relationship was just starting, so why does him having an active OLD account matter at this stage? Doesn't mean he is seeing other people and the lack of an account doesn't make one faithful. I know this is all after the fact and have no idea if there was more and this was but the final straw.
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 54 minutes ago, SumGuy said: What if he was telling the truth? I can say on all the free sites I tried years ago, none deleted my profile when I asked them to (some even put my photo back up even after had removed all photos) and even one pay site kept it up until the subscription ran out. Could be, but that would not excuse he has not once made plans to see her and she is the one who ended up offering and organizing their meeting,s that alone shows little interest in his part. 1
Allupinnit Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 When I was online dating and met someone I really liked it didn't even occur to me to keep looking, especially AFTER FOUR MONTHS. I'm sorry to say but he's just not that into you, but he also hasn't found anyone else he likes more, yet. Have you been sexual with him?
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 33 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: Have you been sexual with him? In her last thread she revealed he does not initiate anything personal like kissing when they're together.
stillafool Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: In her last thread she revealed he does not initiate anything personal like kissing when they're together. What? OP you haven't even kissed this guy and you're carrying on like this? 1
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 17 minutes ago, stillafool said: What? OP you haven't even kissed this guy and you're carrying on like this? He will kiss her but she has to initiate it. 1
Author lovesfool Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 2 hours ago, SumGuy said: What if he was telling the truth? I can say on all the free sites I tried years ago, none deleted my profile when I asked them to (some even put my photo back up even after had removed all photos) and even one pay site kept it up until the subscription ran out. Men complain all the time about fake women profiles on sites...this one way sites do that, and so many sites are really owned by the same company. I really would not immediately dismiss his explanation. If he was telling the truth...you messed it up and not him. You'd also have to think was this the hill you wanted to die on? You have met very few times, the relationship was just starting, so why does him having an active OLD account matter at this stage? Doesn't mean he is seeing other people and the lack of an account doesn't make one faithful. I know this is all after the fact and have no idea if there was more and this was but the final straw. It was a new account that was created, twice. The location was almost exact to where he lives and the photos were recent. One had just been uploaded on social media when the same one popped up at the same time on a new profile on the dating app. He claimed someone was using that picture, but why would someone that follows him on instagram instantly create a new fake profile just because he uploaded a new picture? 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Could be, but that would not excuse he has not once made plans to see her and she is the one who ended up offering and organizing their meeting,s that alone shows little interest in his part. Yes, but he was very interested in other ways. That's what brought up this whole discussion in the first place. In some ways he was so caring and into me, but in others it seemed like I had to show my interest first before he'd reciprocate (which he always did). 1 hour ago, Allupinnit said: When I was online dating and met someone I really liked it didn't even occur to me to keep looking, especially AFTER FOUR MONTHS. I'm sorry to say but he's just not that into you, but he also hasn't found anyone else he likes more, yet. Have you been sexual with him? I know, I know. But in this day and age of apps it's hard to resist the attention you can get, and he does like the attention. I know I like to see all the matches I get on dating apps, even though I have no interest in dating 99% of the guys. I had been sexual with him twice, but it was me initiating that as well so I'm pretty confident he wasn't just after sex. 48 minutes ago, Gaeta said: In her last thread she revealed he does not initiate anything personal like kissing when they're together. Yes, but he told me it was because he was nervous. I know you'll tell me that I can't believe anything he says now.
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 1 minute ago, lovesfool said: Yes, but he told me it was because he was nervous. I know you'll tell me that I can't believe anything he says now. No, I will not tell you that. May I ask how much older than him you are?
Author lovesfool Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: No, I will not tell you that. May I ask how much older than him you are? I'm 31, he's 26. Yes, there's an unusual age gap that I'm not used to, but I didn't think it mattered. I liked him.
introverted1 Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 57 minutes ago, Gaeta said: He will kiss her but she has to initiate it. This would bother me more than him still being on the site. A man who is interested will want to kiss and... and then some. 5
poppyfields Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 2 minutes ago, introverted1 said: This would bother me more than him still being on the site. A man who is interested will want to kiss and... and then some. Agree. Guy's got some serious issues that you can't fix LF. He's just gonna drag you down. For the life of me, I cannot figure your high attraction such that you find it this difficult to detach, given all you know. I dunno perhaps the sex bonded you to him and now you're addicted? Google love addiction, it's a real thing and a killer to kick.
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 13 minutes ago, lovesfool said: I'm 31, he's 26. Yes, there's an unusual age gap that I'm not used to, but I didn't think it mattered. I liked him. I don't find the age difference unusual. I struggle to understand what makes him so special to you, the only thing I can identify is that he's filling a void. You understand it's not enough or a good reason enough to cling to a man, right? 4
Author lovesfool Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I don't find the age difference unusual. I struggle to understand what makes him so special to you, the only thing I can identify is that he's filling a void. You understand it's not enough or a good reason enough to cling to a man, right? Affection is hard to describe. You can see what makes your man special, but others don't. Just another small update, he posted something on Facebook last night after our chat. He posted a status saying "I need help" and nothing else. I know, I know, don't read into it and it doesn't mean anything, but I thought I would tell you anyway.
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 18 minutes ago, lovesfool said: He posted a status saying "I need help" and nothing else. I know, I know, don't read into it and it doesn't mean anything, but I thought I would tell you anyway. I would really be turned off by a man that exposes to the world (fb) his every inner feeling like this. It's really not a masculine energy/quality. In fact if you add that to the rest of his personality, doesn't pursue you, doesn't initiate kisses and intimacy's, lies when confronted, there isn't much in this man to inspire a woman. 2 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 26 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Just another small update, he posted something on Facebook last night after our chat. He posted a status saying "I need help" and nothing else. I know, I know, don't read into it and it doesn't mean anything, but I thought I would tell you anyway. It's attention-seeking and immature. I could see that from a 16-year-old, but a 26-year-old? Meh. No. You need to stop checking his social media. It's keeping you stuck on a dead end. 2
Author lovesfool Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I would really be turned off by a man that exposes to the world (fb) his every inner feeling like this. It's really not a masculine energy/quality. In fact if you add that to the rest of his personality, doesn't pursue you, doesn't initiate kisses and intimacy's, lies when confronted, there isn't much in this man to inspire a woman. I will admit he is a bit effeminate, but I found it quite attractive and I don't know why. He does regular posts on Facebook and Instagram, but never emotional ones. Honestly as a bystander reading them you wouldn't know what he is talking about. "I need help" could mean he needs someone to move furniture for all they know. 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: It's attention-seeking and immature. I could see that from a 16-year-old, but a 26-year-old? Meh. No. You need to stop checking his social media. It's keeping you stuck on a dead end. I understand the down talking of him because of his behaviour, but I'm sure if this was another topic where I was talking about my boyfriend who did a really sweet thing, but also happened to post on social media, you wouldn't be so aggressively negative. But you're right to try and get me to think that way to get past this. I tend to look at my ex's social media for a short while after a break-up, kind of like a mourning period. I do end up blocking them when I'm ready to move on.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 35 minutes ago, lovesfool said: I understand the down talking of him because of his behaviour, but I'm sure if this was another topic where I was talking about my boyfriend who did a really sweet thing, but also happened to post on social media, you wouldn't be so aggressively negative. But you're right to try and get me to think that way to get past this. It's cringe-worthy from any adult, sweet or not. So no, my opinion would not be different. The point is that this guy isn't your boyfriend who did a sweet thing. He's a guy you're unfortunately trying very hard to justify hanging onto, when there are so many reasons why should not. He's no prize but you're letting your fear of being alone override your common sense and red flags you've noticed along the way. You are correct that his FB post could be interpreted in any number of ways by a bystander, though. If you refocus, you will realize that includes you too. You don't know what the post is in reference to either. You want it to be about you, I realize, but you have no clue if it actually is. 6 1
introverted1 Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: You are correct that his FB post could be interpreted in any number of ways by a bystander, though. Which just sort of reinforces this guy as insecure and looking for attention. If he needed help moving, he should have said that. And if he needed to talk to a friend, why not rech out to a specific friend (or two)? The only reason to post something like "I need help" with no context is because you want the attention that will stem from such a post. I don't know about you, OP, but this is not attractive to me. 2
Author lovesfool Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 I'm not trying to convince anyone that he's perfect. It's clear he's not, but just because some character trait is not appealing to you doesn't make him a bad person. Doing bad things doesn't even make you a bad person. Everyone has a mix of good and bad in them. I could admit to certain things I've done in past relationships that I'm not proud of, and maybe I should be judged on them, I don't know. I don't think anyone thinks deep down they're a bad person, they just do bad things. Not trying to justify anything he has done, I'm just saying that we all judge ourselves by our intentions and not our actions, but people we meet by their actions and not their intentions. This discussion has been great and I am trying to work through all the thoughts in my head. At this moment I'm considering: Cutting all ties, block him from all social media, move on and be done with it. He contacts me to apologise and admit what happened (unlikely and not expected). All I can do is listen to what he says and then reassess. He doesn't contact me to apologise but don't cut all ties (i.e. no blocking, still on social media, maybe friendly contact in the distant future) I ask him to meet and talk face to face about what happened I know the 1st one is the most logical and the one everyone will advise. I know objectively and without emotion, the 1st one is the right answer. I need to convince myself that this is the best choice. Option 4 is there because I know how horrible it is to break up and be broken up with over the phone and not have a proper goodbye. I know you'll say it is a bad idea and it probably is, but I'm a fool, hence my username! I'm not going to decide on any of these until the weekend when I've had time to think and not still in the heat of the moment. I hope you understand how hard it is to rule out all of the "bad" options when you're emotionally invested.
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