Caught him on dating app

[Velvet teddy]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I appreciate the detailed posts.

I understand that it may seem strange how obsessed it must seem I am about him. I am not really like that in real life. This is my outlet. This is where I put all my thoughts on paper. Sometimes I start typing and I can't stop until every thought or every possible outcome to my what-ifs are on screen. It's probably frustrating to see, but I feel better when I let it all out.

You can read back through my threads. I overthink a lot. Especially with this guy. Why? Because I've only felt like this twice in my life, with the other time being 7 years ago. I can tell you, hand on heart, that I've never been interested in pursuing anything with anyone other than these two guys. I've been on a lot of dates through the years, so it's not like I'm not putting myself out there. I don't know why, but I don't feel attracted or interested in 99% of guys. That is not an exaggeration by the way.

So when this guy showed up I wanted to make it work. I questioned everything. Even small things he did, which in reality were non-issues at the time, but I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing to make it work. Please don't read that along the lines of forcing it to work, but just wanting it to go smoothly. There were obstacles in the way, like the distance and him not being in a relationship before, and didn't know how to handle it. It's nothing to do with low self-worth or anything like that, it was as simple as I enjoyed his company and didn't want that to stop.

I'll admit, he wasn't perfect. He had his faults, but everyone does and it's easy to dismiss or accept them when you're emotionally invested. It's hard to tell yourself this guy is wrong for you when your feelings take over. I'm sure there are plenty of you who have fallen for the less-than-perfect guy, or maybe are still in relationships with them and don't see it. 

I get that you haven't met anyone as "amazing" as him before and it was something  rare in your mind. But the reality is he isn't  that person you thought he was.

Its unfortunate it turned out how it did and he wasn't your dream man in the end.

I think you simply need to focus now on moving forwards. Not looking back and analysing all his behaviours. It isn't  going to help you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

You can read back through my threads. I overthink a lot. Especially with this guy. Why? Because I've only felt like this twice in my life, with the other time being 7 years ago. I can tell you, hand on heart, that I've never been interested in pursuing anything with anyone other than these two guys. I've been on a lot of dates through the years, so it's not like I'm not putting myself out there. I don't know why, but I don't feel attracted or interested in 99% of guys. That is not an exaggeration by the way.

Felt what way, exactly?

What was it that got you so swept up? That's where you need to do some digging, to figure out what prompted you to attach so many expectations to something that never really got off the ground. Was it the words he was using? 

[balletomane]

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

You can read back through my threads. I overthink a lot. Especially with this guy. Why? Because I've only felt like this twice in my life, with the other time being 7 years ago. I can tell you, hand on heart, that I've never been interested in pursuing anything with anyone other than these two guys. I've been on a lot of dates through the years, so it's not like I'm not putting myself out there. I don't know why, but I don't feel attracted or interested in 99% of guys. That is not an exaggeration by the way.

I glanced briefly at a couple of your historic threads and found this post from one year ago:

Quote

I started dating a guy recently (only for the past 3 weeks) and am finding myself falling for him. This is very unusual for me because I don't have much luck on the dating scene and very rarely click with a guy. He's smart, funny, caring and I could talk to him for hours on end.

From the outside, it looks as if whenever you're interested in a new person you say that it's rare or unusual for you to feel this way. You build it up into some special unique thing, when your posting history suggests it's not. You've got other threads where you ask about sending a Valentine's message to an ex, and another thread where you want to know how to make an ex who is going travelling for a year remain interested until his return. This doesn't look like you've never pursued anything except with this man and the man from seven years ago. What's happening is that you're rewriting your history. Now you've lost feelings for the men in between, you've decided that those episodes didn't count.

This is partly the problem - you don't seem to have an accurate memory of your own feelings and responses, which makes it difficult for you to reflect on and learn from your experiences.

Edited July 31, 2020 by balletomane

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

None of us is perfect or are in relationships with men/women that are perfect BUT the important thing is that BOTH people give their 100% to that relationship. This has nothing to do with this guy and his lack on interest toward you. Relationships with 1 person lacking interest don't take off the ground, they abort after 3-4 dates. 

Also, I think you need to seriously question yourself as to why you feel this strongly toward a man that did nothing to deserve it. You have developped very strong feelings for him while he did nothing to generate this love in you. This man did nothing to make you feel special or wanted, all he did was show up at 4 dates that YOU organized, and nothing special happened in those day-date. 

100% to the bolded^^^^ 

OP, you keep coming back to your position that you never like anyone, 2 people in 7 years or something like that.  That is STILL not a good reason to create a relationship out of nothing and hang on for dear life.  

I'm also curious about these past threads.  I don't usually go look at a person's previous threads although I often remember from the screen name.  I feel like if/when I do look at yours as poppy said, it will tell more of the real story.  I think you are extremely anxiously driven/anxiously attached & a lot of what is going on has nothing to do with the other person.  

It doesn't even matter that you are using this as a dumping ground for your thoughts---the bottom line is you are having these thoughts.  Just because you think you don't conduct yourself that way in public, doesn't really mean you don't conduct yourself that way.  Because you did, in the fact that you got all crazy with the fake account and also attached yourself to a guy & built a fantasy up around him.  It's impacting your life & you may hide it a little from others but there is no way you hide it altogether.  That really isn't the point anyway the key would be getting you to have more rational, helpful thinking.  You haven't really answered about going to therapy--I think you really could benefit.  If you are looking for a way to keep yourself busy with something that will improve your life and get you to a place where you are in the best position to open yourself up to meeting someone & managing a proper relationship, it sure sounds like what you should be doing. Instead of continuing to claim you never like someone and using that as a justification for over-investing, being blind to red flags & creating a fantasy relationship, you could be getting to the root of why you do those things, how not to, how to approach all relationships in a more balanced way & how to manage your anxiety and overthinking & negative/irrational thoughts.

[Versacehottie]

6 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Please don't read that along the lines of forcing it to work, but just wanting it to go smoothly. There were obstacles in the way, like the distance and him not being in a relationship before, and didn't know how to handle it. It's nothing to do with low self-worth or anything like that, it was as simple as I enjoyed his company and didn't want that to stop.

 

Um, depending on your perspective this is the same thing.  You want something to GO, full stop.  You are hopeful. He's not on the same page--his actions tell you so. He even told you so and tried to break up with you by saying he didn't know what he wanted.  You do try to force and control things.  Because then you concocted the whole "i'm gonna dump you" when he basically already broke it off with you. Then you doubted yourself and basically wanted another chance, so you concocted the "i need in person closure talk" so you could do the dramatic "you will never see me again" line. And then you are still sitting here wondering "if he grows up in 6 months could you have another chance".  

A) You are not 100% true to your feelings, but try to manipulate the other person and situation.

B) You have been forcing it all along.  To tell you differently is not to give you an accurate picture of your behavior.  That it comes from a good place in being hopeful, doesn't change the fact that you are not "seeing what IS" and "meeting the person where they are".  It's all about you.  Even if the intention started out good--that's the overbearing I keep referring to.

C) Check yourself on the low self esteem.  I suspect that is why you are getting lots of responses.  Many of us realize a change in your own self-esteem would fix a decent amount of what is going on.  Your actions, words/thoughts and behavior all suggest that you have low self-esteem in some areas.

Your statement above is just another example of you trying to twist things so they can remain the same way in your head.  You can tell yourself a story about this situation that is helpful to your growth or one that continues to set you back.  That it wasn't a forced thing is going to set you back. Call it overly hopeful if that makes you feel better.

[lovesfool]

  

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

None of us is perfect or are in relationships with men/women that are perfect BUT the important thing is that BOTH people give their 100% to that relationship. This has nothing to do with this guy and his lack on interest toward you. Relationships with 1 person lacking interest don't take off the ground, they abort after 3-4 dates. 

Also, I think you need to seriously question yourself as to why you feel this strongly toward a man that did nothing to deserve it. You have developped very strong feelings for him while he did nothing to generate this love in you. This man did nothing to make you feel special or wanted, all he did was show up at 4 dates that YOU organized, and nothing special happened in those day-date. 

I'm sorry, did you speak with him almost every day for 4 months? No? Then how can you honestly say you know anything about him? I've mostly spoken to you about the problems because that's why I'm here. I'm not here to justify why I liked him, but I will indulge. He was smart. He was funny. He was attractive. He was chatty. He made me feel good about myself - compliments, saying our dates were the only thing he looked forward to in the week. The pure attraction for me he had when we were intimate. He would message me because he wanted to, not because I messaged him first. What more do you want me to tell you?

You all seemed to be focused on the 4 dates. Maybe I left this out, I don't know, but he was able to make himself available at any time, and was happy to do so. I was the one with the full time job with long hours. He was the one who said yes (very enthusiastically) every time I asked to meet. And how do you know nothing special happened in those dates? Were you there?

8 hours ago, balletomane said:

I glanced briefly at a couple of your historic threads and found this post from one year ago:

From the outside, it looks as if whenever you're interested in a new person you say that it's rare or unusual for you to feel this way. You build it up into some special unique thing, when your posting history suggests it's not. You've got other threads where you ask about sending a Valentine's message to an ex, and another thread where you want to know how to make an ex who is going travelling for a year remain interested until his return. This doesn't look like you've never pursued anything except with this man and the man from seven years ago. What's happening is that you're rewriting your history. Now you've lost feelings for the men in between, you've decided that those episodes didn't count.

This is partly the problem - you don't seem to have an accurate memory of your own feelings and responses, which makes it difficult for you to reflect on and learn from your experiences.

Thanks for delving into my post history, but I can easily explain those threads you referenced! The one with him travelling for a year was the guy from 7 years ago. There was a guy a year or two ago who I dated for 3 months but I wasn't invested in it at all and he broke it off. I wasn't upset, nor did I regret the break-up, but I was just going to be polite and send him a valentines wish because he was a very nice guy. The last guy was from the end of last year. I said I was "falling" for him. I didn't fall for him. It ended very shortly after that thread and knew it was the right choice at the time.

5 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

100% to the bolded^^^^ 

OP, you keep coming back to your position that you never like anyone, 2 people in 7 years or something like that.  That is STILL not a good reason to create a relationship out of nothing and hang on for dear life.  

I'm also curious about these past threads.  I don't usually go look at a person's previous threads although I often remember from the screen name.  I feel like if/when I do look at yours as poppy said, it will tell more of the real story.  I think you are extremely anxiously driven/anxiously attached & a lot of what is going on has nothing to do with the other person.  

It doesn't even matter that you are using this as a dumping ground for your thoughts---the bottom line is you are having these thoughts.  Just because you think you don't conduct yourself that way in public, doesn't really mean you don't conduct yourself that way.  Because you did, in the fact that you got all crazy with the fake account and also attached yourself to a guy & built a fantasy up around him.  It's impacting your life & you may hide it a little from others but there is no way you hide it altogether.  That really isn't the point anyway the key would be getting you to have more rational, helpful thinking.  You haven't really answered about going to therapy--I think you really could benefit.  If you are looking for a way to keep yourself busy with something that will improve your life and get you to a place where you are in the best position to open yourself up to meeting someone & managing a proper relationship, it sure sounds like what you should be doing. Instead of continuing to claim you never like someone and using that as a justification for over-investing, being blind to red flags & creating a fantasy relationship, you could be getting to the root of why you do those things, how not to, how to approach all relationships in a more balanced way & how to manage your anxiety and overthinking & negative/irrational thoughts.

I never said it was a good reason. It was just A reason. 

I can't believe you are suggesting going to therapy because I am a bit broken up over a guy. It's a bit of an over reaction in my opinion, and I should know one when I see one! I have had plenty of friends who have been in similar situations. Just because you're going through a bump in your life doesn't mean you need to go to a professional. If it was a severe problem that was hindering me, then yes. This is not hindering me. In my life I have had two breakups where I was upset. This one and the one from 7 years ago.

5 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Um, depending on your perspective this is the same thing.  You want something to GO, full stop.  You are hopeful. He's not on the same page--his actions tell you so. He even told you so and tried to break up with you by saying he didn't know what he wanted.  You do try to force and control things.  Because then you concocted the whole "i'm gonna dump you" when he basically already broke it off with you. Then you doubted yourself and basically wanted another chance, so you concocted the "i need in person closure talk" so you could do the dramatic "you will never see me again" line. And then you are still sitting here wondering "if he grows up in 6 months could you have another chance".  

A) You are not 100% true to your feelings, but try to manipulate the other person and situation.

B) You have been forcing it all along.  To tell you differently is not to give you an accurate picture of your behavior.  That it comes from a good place in being hopeful, doesn't change the fact that you are not "seeing what IS" and "meeting the person where they are".  It's all about you.  Even if the intention started out good--that's the overbearing I keep referring to.

C) Check yourself on the low self esteem.  I suspect that is why you are getting lots of responses.  Many of us realize a change in your own self-esteem would fix a decent amount of what is going on.  Your actions, words/thoughts and behavior all suggest that you have low self-esteem in some areas.

Your statement above is just another example of you trying to twist things so they can remain the same way in your head.  You can tell yourself a story about this situation that is helpful to your growth or one that continues to set you back.  That it wasn't a forced thing is going to set you back. Call it overly hopeful if that makes you feel better.

You are factually incorrect. He didn't try to break up with me at all. He was doubting the long distance and how it would work when he returned to his job full time (where he travels all around the country). The very next morning he messaged me apologizing for even asking for time to think about it. I never forced anything on him. How did I "concoct" me dumping him? What does that even mean? I wanted to set up a narrative in such a way that I could dump him the way I wanted? Crazy.

And in response to your itemized list:

A) How did I manipulate him in any way? Makes a change from everyone saying that he was playing me.

B) I never forced anything. I never pushed him into doing anything. If you think asking him to go on a date and he immediately says yes with enthusiasm is being forced then you've a different definition to me! Forcing something would be like me suggesting to meet up on a Friday and he says "uh, I'm busy". Then suggest a Saturday and he says "can't do that either". Then finally a Sunday and he says "yeah... I guess". I didn't force him to message me. I didn't force him to say the things he said. I didn't force anything in this scenario.

C) I don't have low self-esteem, thank you very much. I am confident in my own intelligence, attractiveness, social ability etc.

I know you're all based in reality, so please tell me specifically what have I said above that is factually incorrect?

[lovesfool]

And I realize that my last post shows comes across as me defending him, but I wanted to be factually correct and not let misinterpretations get in the way. I can list out the things I didn't like about him as well, just to appease the masses:

• He didn't initiate intamacy
• He didn't propose dates, only accepted them
• He didn't ask a lot of personal questions
• He liked attention on social media
• Oh and he lied to me

And I didn't even put any positive spin on any of them!

[kendahke]

6 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I can't believe you are suggesting going to therapy because I am a bit broken up over a guy.

A bit?

 307 posts and 13 pages says otherwise.

Quote

You all seemed to be focused on the 4 dates.

Because you're focused on these 4 months and thinking this was some grand love affair when it never was, if he was on dating apps and you were threatening to create a fake profile to... ...what exactly? Find yourself where you find yourself today?

 

 

[poppyfields]

LF I realize you will probably reject this notion, but regarding therapy, I don’t understand why you so adamantly resist, it’s not like we’re suggesting you commit yourself to a mental hospital for goodness sakes, therapy is to help you gain perspective on your own reactions and behavior, mostly.

NOT to help you get over some guy you had a brief “on line interaction” with,  with a few daytime meets thrown in for good measure.  Seriously.

I am currently in therapy myself, have been (off and on) for many years.  It’s helped me put many things in proper perspective including the on-line interaction I engaged in for a few months that I spoke about in a previous post.

Therapy helped me to understand the role I played in that interaction, and how I myself was NOT ready for a long term serious relationship, after just coming out of one a few months prior, and this interaction felt very SAFE.

Safe in that it was long distance, in fact so long distance that meeting in person was never even a realistic option which if truth be told was A-Okay with me as clearly I was not ready for anything more than that at the time.  

I just posted this on another forum but I seriously encourage you to "look within." 

Why was he only the second man you had ever truly fallen for?  A man with whom you had a brief on-line interaction, which when push comes to shove, was all it was.

Could it be possible that you yourself have issues with committed relationships, and HE felt safe to you? 

I say that because I don’t know many women who are genuinely seeking a long term committed relationship who would have stuck around for even ONE month with this guy.  

Just something to consider, tis all.

 

Edited July 31, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

 I'm sorry, did you speak with him almost every day for 4 months? No? Then how can you honestly say you know anything about him? I've mostly spoken to you about the problems because that's why I'm here. I'm not here to justify why I liked him, but I will indulge. He was smart. He was funny. He was attractive. He was chatty. He made me feel good about myself - compliments, saying our dates were the only thing he looked forward to in the week. The pure attraction for me he had when we were intimate. He would message me because he wanted to, not because I messaged him first. What more do you want me to tell you?

hat have I said above that is factually incorrect?

But 'talk' is nothing! What count is action. Talking is cheap, it requires no effort. No driving long distance, no spending money, no getting shaved and showered, 

Smart, funny and attractive, giving you compliments - That represents about 80% of men I met online when I dated. Him doing things like planning dates with you, driving to see you each week,  getting you your favorite sweets! that's special, but that could not happen because he was not interested in asking about you, right. Again, I fail to see why you liked him 'so much'. If all you need to be impressed by a man is getting messages an a couple of compliments then you need to raise your standards. 

 

Edited July 31, 2020 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

  And how do you know nothing special happened in those dates? Were you there?

You are working really hard at defending him I imagine if those dates had been great you would have given us all the details. 

[lovesfool]

10 hours ago, kendahke said:

A bit?

 307 posts and 13 pages says otherwise.

Because you're focused on these 4 months and thinking this was some grand love affair when it never was, if he was on dating apps and you were threatening to create a fake profile to... ...what exactly? Find yourself where you find yourself today?

I talk things to the death. This is just who I am. It's not a reflection on my feelings about him. In person or on other forums I will discuss things through to the end. I've said this before.

Love never came into the equation so you're being a bit dramatic saying love affair. I created a fake profile to you know, find out the truth maybe? It comes in useful sometimes.

10 hours ago, poppyfields said:

LF I realize you will probably reject this notion, but regarding therapy, I don’t understand why you so adamantly resist, it’s not like we’re suggesting you commit yourself to a mental hospital for goodness sakes, therapy is to help you gain perspective on your own reactions and behavior, mostly.

NOT to help you get over some guy you had a brief “on line interaction” with,  with a few daytime meets thrown in for good measure.  Seriously.

I am currently in therapy myself, have been (off and on) for many years.  It’s helped me put many things in proper perspective including the on-line interaction I engaged in for a few months that I spoke about in a previous post.

Therapy helped me to understand the role I played in that interaction, and how I myself was NOT ready for a long term serious relationship, after just coming out of one a few months prior, and this interaction felt very SAFE.

Safe in that it was long distance, in fact so long distance that meeting in person was never even a realistic option which if truth be told was A-Okay with me as clearly I was not ready for anything more than that at the time.  

I just posted this on another forum but I seriously encourage you to "look within." 

Why was he only the second man you had ever truly fallen for?  A man with whom you had a brief on-line interaction, which when push comes to shove, was all it was.

Could it be possible that you yourself have issues with committed relationships, and HE felt safe to you? 

I say that because I don’t know many women who are genuinely seeking a long term committed relationship who would have stuck around for even ONE month with this guy.  

Just something to consider, tis all.

I have no issues with committed relationships. It solely comes down to my attraction for men, and lack thereof. How will therapy help me with that?

I have a full understanding why I reacted the way I did. I was very interested in a guy because he ticked all my boxes. This does not happen very often at all. He was very interested in me, at least up until the past two weeks. We had regular interactions for the 4 months, whether it was texting, calls, video dates or in person dates. You keep dismissing everything as "just 4 dates", but I don't see it that way and you're not going to convince me otherwise.

Is it not understandable that I am upset that it ended? You're suggesting I have some sort of mental issue being upset over a breakup.

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

But 'talk' is nothing! What count is action. Talking is cheap, it requires no effort. No driving long distance, no spending money, no getting shaved and showered, 

Smart, funny and attractive, giving you compliments - That represents about 80% of men I met online when I dated. Him doing things like planning dates with you, driving to see you each week,  getting you your favorite sweets! that's special, but that could not happen because he was not interested in asking about you, right. Again, I fail to see why you liked him 'so much'. If all you need to be impressed by a man is getting messages an a couple of compliments then you need to raise your standards. 

Talk is cheap is it? So you'd gladly talk to someone you've no interest in? I know I wouldn't sacrifice 4-5 hours on a video call with someone I don't want to make an effort with.

He planned dates with me in the grand scheme of things. Suggested going places when Covid died down as we couldn't go anywhere otherwise. What else could he have planned? The only option available to us was him coming to visit me because he's living with his parents temporarily. I was the one with the restrictive schedule, he was just working to what I could do because he felt like he was imposing on me otherwise.

He did drive to me every week that we were both available, it's good that you gave him credit that way.

Why must you force me to defend him? You are honestly saying factually incorrect things and at this point I think you're doing it to annoy me. And you're trying to belittle me by saying that my standards are low and that he's not worth liking so much. 

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You are working really hard at defending him I imagine if those dates had been great you would have given us all the details. 

You are not a nice person at all. Why are you trying to say that the dates weren't nice?

Do you want all the details? What will that help you with? Prove that I liked him or that he was worth caring for?

We couldn't do anything exciting for our dates. Everywhere was shut because of Covid! So if you're expecting some wild trips to Paris for a weekend you'll be disappointed.

• The first date we went for a very long walk in a large park where we just talked and talked. We got some takeout food and went back to my place. We kissed before he left after being with him for maybe 9 hours
• The second date was another walk in a different park. We spent the evening cuddled up on the sofa watching movies, again maybe 9 hours with him
• The third date he came over one evening and I cooked him dinner and watched a movie on the sofa. He slept over. The next day we got lunch and he left in the afternoon.
• The fourth date we went out for dinner in a restaurant because they had finally reopened. We went back to my place afterwards, watched TV and he stayed over. Went for lunch the next day.

I don't know what else I need to say. Do you want me to get into the details of what we spoke about? Where his family is from? What compliments he said to me? Some of the jokes he made?

Everyone seems to be questioning why I would like him and that he's not worth being interested in. If this is some sort of tactic to try and get me to get over him, it's not working. I just find myself defending him (which is not why I'm here) and it's stirring up more feelings and regret.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're right OP, I don't think going over the details again and again is helping you. I understand why you're feeling defensive and spelling things out for posters; however, I think it might be time to change direction. 

Perhaps moving forward, you would find it more beneficial to reflect on how you will let go of him and how you might approach a new dating scenario differently next time. In other words, what is the takeaway from all of this for you? 

[Velvet teddy]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I talk things to the death. This is just who I am. It's not a reflection on my feelings about him. In person or on other forums I will discuss things through to the end. I've said this before.

Love never came into the equation so you're being a bit dramatic saying love affair. I created a fake profile to you know, find out the truth maybe? It comes in useful sometimes.

I have no issues with committed relationships. It solely comes down to my attraction for men, and lack thereof. How will therapy help me with that?

I have a full understanding why I reacted the way I did. I was very interested in a guy because he ticked all my boxes. This does not happen very often at all. He was very interested in me, at least up until the past two weeks. We had regular interactions for the 4 months, whether it was texting, calls, video dates or in person dates. You keep dismissing everything as "just 4 dates", but I don't see it that way and you're not going to convince me otherwise.

Is it not understandable that I am upset that it ended? You're suggesting I have some sort of mental issue being upset over a breakup.

Talk is cheap is it? So you'd gladly talk to someone you've no interest in? I know I wouldn't sacrifice 4-5 hours on a video call with someone I don't want to make an effort with.

He planned dates with me in the grand scheme of things. Suggested going places when Covid died down as we couldn't go anywhere otherwise. What else could he have planned? The only option available to us was him coming to visit me because he's living with his parents temporarily. I was the one with the restrictive schedule, he was just working to what I could do because he felt like he was imposing on me otherwise.

He did drive to me every week that we were both available, it's good that you gave him credit that way.

Why must you force me to defend him? You are honestly saying factually incorrect things and at this point I think you're doing it to annoy me. And you're trying to belittle me by saying that my standards are low and that he's not worth liking so much. 

You are not a nice person at all. Why are you trying to say that the dates weren't nice?

Do you want all the details? What will that help you with? Prove that I liked him or that he was worth caring for?

We couldn't do anything exciting for our dates. Everywhere was shut because of Covid! So if you're expecting some wild trips to Paris for a weekend you'll be disappointed.

• The first date we went for a very long walk in a large park where we just talked and talked. We got some takeout food and went back to my place. We kissed before he left after being with him for maybe 9 hours
• The second date was another walk in a different park. We spent the evening cuddled up on the sofa watching movies, again maybe 9 hours with him
• The third date he came over one evening and I cooked him dinner and watched a movie on the sofa. He slept over. The next day we got lunch and he left in the afternoon.
• The fourth date we went out for dinner in a restaurant because they had finally reopened. We went back to my place afterwards, watched TV and he stayed over. Went for lunch the next day.

I don't know what else I need to say. Do you want me to get into the details of what we spoke about? Where his family is from? What compliments he said to me? Some of the jokes he made?

Everyone seems to be questioning why I would like him and that he's not worth being interested in. If this is some sort of tactic to try and get me to get over him, it's not working. I just find myself defending him (which is not why I'm here) and it's stirring up more feelings and regret.

This guy didnt do a lot of initiating. Sometimes if you want to gauge interest, wait to see what the other person does. Perhaps if you hadnt tried to always organise dates? Nothing would have even happened.

But either way it was a waste of your time, since he wasnt on the same page.

Some men are really good at using women when they're bored/lonely, feeding them with words to keep them around, whilst still searching for something  they deem better. 

If you do OLD again, id advise  you to always keep options open, speak to multiple people, instead of putting your hopes into one person so early on. I mean its what a lot of men do (as you saw), so you're well within your rights.

As for everyone saying you need therapy, personally  i don't  think you do. You were perhaps a little naive and got caught up in the fantasy of it all, as you get older you will be able to deal with situations more efficiently. You can just chalk it up as a learning experience and do things a bit differently next time. 

How old are you btw?

 

Edited August 1, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I have no issues with committed relationships. It solely comes down to my attraction for men, and lack thereof. How will therapy help me with that?

You are not a nice person at all. 

Omg, nevermind.  You are so damn defensive, not just of him but everything, mostly yourself, that it's become quite clear that any sort of open and honest communique with you is a futile waste of energy.  

You just don't get it and what's sad is, after 13+ pages of folks talking this out with you, offering advice and suggestion, as harsh as that sometimes was, you are unwilling (or incapable) of even trying.

Taking the time to looking within, introspecting, learning, growing, evolving.  With or without the help of a qualified professional, which frankly imo benefits all of us at certain points in our lives.  

It certainly has mine and many MANY others I know.

Your last sentence in above quote?  From what I've read here, neither are you dear.

Cut and paste that to your fridge!

I'm done here. 

Edited August 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[lovesfool]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're right OP, I don't think going over the details again and again is helping you. I understand why you're feeling defensive and spelling things out for posters; however, I think it might be time to change direction. 

Perhaps moving forward, you would find it more beneficial to reflect on how you will let go of him and how you might approach a new dating scenario differently next time. In other words, what is the takeaway from all of this for you? 

I really don't like being mistaken or misinterpreted and just keep feeling like I have to clarify things when people say something that's not true.

Yes, I want to move forward and let go. The take away is that I shouldn't let emotions take over and try to see the facts as they are.

1 hour ago, Velvet teddy said:

This guy didnt do a lot of initiating. Sometimes if you want to gauge interest, wait to see what the other person does. Perhaps if you hadnt tried to always organise dates? Nothing would have even happened.

But either way it was a waste of your time, since he wasnt on the same page.

Some men are really good at using women when they're bored/lonely, feeding them with words to keep them around, whilst still searching for something  they deem better. 

If you do OLD again, id advise  you to always keep options open, speak to multiple people, instead of putting your hopes into one person so early on. I mean its what a lot of men do (as you saw), so you're well within your rights.

As for everyone saying you need therapy, personally  i don't  think you do. You were perhaps a little naive and got caught up in the fantasy of it all, as you get older you will be able to deal with situations more efficiently. You can just chalk it up as a learning experience and do things a bit differently next time. 

How old are you btw?

You know what? The week he went silent on me I was going to wait and see if he initiated a date but I broke when I discovered he was on a dating app and reached out. Maybe that was a mistake and I should have stayed quiet.

I'm not sure what age I said before, because sometimes I like to keep things vague for anonymity, but I will say that I am 31.

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Omg, nevermind.  You are so damn defensive, not just of him but everything, mostly yourself, that it's become quite clear that any sort of open and honest communique with you is a futile waste of energy.  

You just don't get it and what's sad is, after 13+ pages of folks talking this out with you, offering advice and suggestion, as harsh as that sometimes was, you are unwilling (or incapable) of even trying.

Taking the time to looking within, introspecting, learning, growing, evolving.  With or without the help of a qualified professional, which frankly imo benefits all of us at certain points in our lives.  

It certainly has mine and many MANY others I know.

Your last sentence in above quote?  From what I've read here, neither are you dear.

Cut and paste that to your fridge!

I'm done here. 

I am being open and honest. Nothing I said was untrue and I am trying to answer all of your questions so sorry if I missed something through all the responses which might make me seem not open.

I truly don't understand why you're getting annoyed with me. I listened to your advice and I am saying that I don't need therapy. Learning from what has happened? Sure. Everyone learns from their past experiences, at least that's the hope.

And I don't know why you don't think I'm nice. I've only tried to defend myself and if I don't accept what every word everyone here is saying that makes me a bad person? Yes I'm being defensive, but that's only because things that were said were incorrect. I notice that when I clarified a lot of things I got no commentary back on it. It seemed to work against whatever narrative is trying to be spun.

I think it was a mistake coming on here. While there has been some good advice, it has made me dwell too long on what happened when I should be trying to move on.

Thanks everyone.

[poppyfields]

42 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I think it was a mistake coming on here. While there has been some good advice, it has made me dwell too long on what happened when I should be trying to move on.

This^ may be the most insightful thing you've posted on this thread.

Agree posting here is keeping you stuck.  So may be time to request mods to close the thread. 

Perhaps after some time, you can revisit and reflect, take away something different from all our posts. 

Not about HIM, or about how he felt about you, or about how you felt about him.  Or defending your feelings or any of that.

But to reflect upon yourself in general and what motivates you to make the choices you make. 

To me, that is what you should be focusing on.  Like I said, introspecting, learning, growing, evolving. 

I have done that after every single failed relationship and it has helped me in more ways than I can count. 

All the best.

 

Edited August 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

Yeah I wish you all the best too OP.  Hope you get over him soon.  

Edited August 1, 2020 by stillafool

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I'm sorry, did you speak with him almost every day for 4 months? No? Then how can you honestly say you know anything about him? 

 

6 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Everyone seems to be questioning why I would like him and that he's not worth being interested in. If this is some sort of tactic to try and get me to get over him, it's not working. I just find myself defending him (which is not why I'm here) and it's stirring up more feelings and regret.

No one was questioning why you like him.  We know nothing about him.  People want to know why you can't move on given his lack of interest in you.

But again, I wish you the best and hope you get over him soon.

[Velvet teddy]

59 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I really don't like being mistaken or misinterpreted and just keep feeling like I have to clarify things when people say something that's not true.

Yes, I want to move forward and let go. The take away is that I shouldn't let emotions take over and try to see the facts as they are.

You know what? The week he went silent on me I was going to wait and see if he initiated a date but I broke when I discovered he was on a dating app and reached out. Maybe that was a mistake and I should have stayed quiet.

I'm not sure what age I said before, because sometimes I like to keep things vague for anonymity, but I will say that I am 31.

I am being open and honest. Nothing I said was untrue and I am trying to answer all of your questions so sorry if I missed something through all the responses which might make me seem not open.

I truly don't understand why you're getting annoyed with me. I listened to your advice and I am saying that I don't need therapy. Learning from what has happened? Sure. Everyone learns from their past experiences, at least that's the hope.

And I don't know why you don't think I'm nice. I've only tried to defend myself and if I don't accept what every word everyone here is saying that makes me a bad person? Yes I'm being defensive, but that's only because things that were said were incorrect. I notice that when I clarified a lot of things I got no commentary back on it. It seemed to work against whatever narrative is trying to be spun.

I think it was a mistake coming on here. While there has been some good advice, it has made me dwell too long on what happened when I should be trying to move on.

Thanks everyone.

Yeah as soon as you discovered he was on a dating app, that should have been it.

But you were pretty invested by that time so i think that's why you didnt let it go.

Its too bad that happened to you. Im sure you will find someone though who is more on your wavelength than this guy ever was.

[Velvet teddy]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

No one was questioning why you like him.  We know nothing about him.  People want to know why you can't move on given his lack of interest in you.

But again, I wish you the best and hope you get over him soon.

She is emotionally invested in the man, that is clear. As to why she was finding it difficult.

 

[balletomane]

I have one more thing to add that might be useful to someone (not only the OP) and that hasn't been spelled out.

The suggestion of therapy a.) doesn't mean anyone has a "mental issue" and b.) isn't insulting even if you do have some emotional difficulties.

Anyone can benefit from therapy, but many people see it only as treatment for those who are ill in some way - and because mental health difficulties are so stigmatised, other people confuse them with character flaws. They aren't. You can be a lovely person and a great boyfriend/girlfriend and still have a mental health problem. And you can be a lovely person and a great potential partner who has no diagnosable difficulties and who could still benefit from the clarity and talking space provided by therapy.

[elaine567]

On 7/19/2020 at 7:52 PM, lovesfool said:

I've been dating for 10 years and have only been in two "serious" relationships lasting only a few months.

Every one of us can be hoodwinked by a smooth talking guy who is not who he seems to be. Everyone can invest too much, too early and get disappointed and upset.
Everyone given the right circumstances can grimly hang on to a guy when it is all so obviously futile...
BUT the therapy suggestion is not really about THIS relationship on its own.
The therapy would give the OP the chance to explore why in 10 years there is not even one real dating success story.
At 31 this needs investigated soon, before it is all too late...

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

The therapy would give the OP the chance to explore why in 10 years there is not even one real dating success story.
At 31 this needs investigated soon, before it is all too late...

Exactly my point. 

LF, please hear me out.  The fact that, at 31 years of age, you have not been able to sustain a RL for longer than a few months, suggests that you might have some commitment issues/fears of your own.

They're passive fears versus active fears. 

With passive fears, instead of running away or creating distance like active runners do, you continue chasing (for lack of a better word) an unavailable man like this guy was (is).

The fact he has never had a relationship  in his life was a huge indicator among other things you mentioned.  His indecisiveness, his lack of desire for intimacy just to name just a few.  

Most people with passive commitment  fears are not even aware of their fears, they're hidden.

They keep screaming they want a committed RL but their dating history suggests otherwise.   

As I said in a previous post, a woman wanting and actively seeking a long term committed RL would not have lasted ONE month with this guy.  His issues were evident pretty much from the get go. 

But yet you did.  Why?  I'm not questioning your feelings, I am questioning why you chose to continue pursuing him, given all the red flags. 

There is a great book entitled "He's Scared, She's Scared, the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Our Relationships." 

It discusses active commitment fears and passive commitment fears.

Those with active fears and passive fears attract each other like bees to honey! 

Their fears are often hidden and it is only when they become aware of their dating pattern, when changes can be made. 

Therapy might help you, if you're open to it.  Again, not to help you get over this guy, but to understand yourself and what motivates you to make the decisions you make and to choose the men you do, and you are doing the choosing.

Please at least think about these things otherwise you risk attracting and choosing the same types of men and finding yourself alone 10 years from now due to those choices. 

 

Edited August 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, lovesfool said:

• The first date we went for a very long walk in a large park where we just talked and talked. We got some takeout food and went back to my place. We kissed before he left after being with him for maybe 9 hours
• The second date was another walk in a different park. We spent the evening cuddled up on the sofa watching movies, again maybe 9 hours with him
• The third date he came over one evening and I cooked him dinner and watched a movie on the sofa. He slept over. The next day we got lunch and he left in the afternoon.
• The fourth date we went out for dinner in a restaurant because they had finally reopened. We went back to my place afterwards, watched TV and he stayed over. Went for lunch the next day.

See, I actually think all this is very nice, and I can see you spent good amounts of time together each time, and I can understand now that you spent enough time with him to develop a strong liking. Since the beginning of this thread you only mentionned you had 4 dates all initiated by you. I honestly interpreted it as he spent a couple of hours with you each time. This description of your dates was very useful to me to get a better understanding.