Caught him on dating app

[Versacehottie]

I tend to think one reason it fell apart as things started opening up from lockdown etc is because then there would be no excuse not to see you.  Basically I'm guessing he probably was able to stall & use COVID lockdown as an excuse to slow things with you.  Look at it this way if he was able to see you 4 times across 4 months---the lockdown wasn't total and complete, ie he could have seen you 40 times or any variety that was higher--there were points within the months that travel to your area was allowed or he wouldn't have been able to come at all. 

I think as things were opening up in your area and you were probably putting on the pressure because you thought you were in a real relationship, he realized it wouldn't be as easy to keep using that excuse.

Anyway, most importantly, it's probably best if there is not much more rehashing of what he did/his motives etc.  That is just keeping you stuck in that story as someone who overthinks and ruminates.  Almost reliving it in any way possible, even it is negative and traumatizing.   Some people have a tendency to do that.  

You know some love stories I know or at least very good romantic ones started the day after or just a few days after when a friend was heartbroken but got dragged out to some event or was committed to having fun with her friends or some other random thing---and that was the exact moment they met a guy who became a much bigger love than the one they lost!  I know quite a few of these stories.  you might just look back and laugh if it leads you to your right person.

Anyway, much better rather than rehashing & turning this thread into more of a sob story--why not turn it into how you resurrected yourself and as you pull yourself back up?  I would love to see that.

[lovesfool]

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Great point.

I know you don't want to hear this LF, but he was most likely chatting/interacting  with several  women while interacting with you.   Please don't kid yourself about that.

Like I said, I know guys like him from my group therapy and they admitted doing shyt like this.  And they love long distance, they seek women out long distance. 

It's a built in, ready made excuse to maintain distance and end things when things start getting sticky or as  Versache said, run their course.  Which this did.  

Juggling several is also a huge ego boost for their weak, insecure selves. 

That's why he only managed to see you 4 times in 4 months.  And why he was skulking around on the apps and lying about it. 

Common sense really. 

 

That's a bit more upsetting, the thought of being used like that.

I know things are over and I am not considering getting back with him so maybe it's best if I don't dwell on the bad thoughts. I think someone else said that if you keeping thiking about him, even the negative aspects, you won't move on.

I think I'm right to feel what I'm feeling, upset, and need to embrace it for a short while to get it out of my system. Like grieving. Deleting him from social media is the next big step, but I'm not quite there yet. I think I'll set myself a deadline of this weekend. It'll be difficult to do, but will everything else will get easier from there on.

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I think I'm right to feel what I'm feeling, upset, and need to embrace it for a short while to get it out of my system. Like grieving. Deleting him from social media is the next big step, but I'm not quite there yet. I think I'll set myself a deadline of this weekend. It'll be difficult to do, but will everything else will get easier from there on.

This will really help, yes. 

Keeping him around on social media will only keep you stuck. When you're ready to delete, it will feel liberating. 

[elaine567]

Long distance without any special circumstance that dictate long distance, then long distance per se is a red flag.
Why get involved in a relationship with someone you hardly see?
How can you form a proper relationship with someone you can't speak to properly, hug, cuddle  and have sex with whenever you want?
Guys  in particular like sex, so why would a normal guy seek out a LDR?
Poppy is correct, many of these guys are up to no good and some are emotionally stunted, unavailable, socially inept, sexually abnormal... 
They can only sustain an LDR, a real relationship would freak them out, curtail their "activity", tie them down...

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, kendahke said:

I'm curious, though--what made her think that was aimed at you if this was the case?  It could very well have been aimed at someone else he'd be spending more time with where he lives...

This^^^there's no proof that his message was pertaining to you.  It could be for anyone or many others including you.  You need to tell your friend to stop spying on him as if she were the one who was involved with him.  It;s not helping at all and setting you  back.  He is not pinning and grieving over you.  If you sit around thinking that you will never get over him because your mind will trick you that he wants you as bad as you want him.  If you want to get over him tell your mind the truth that this guys interest didn't match yours and that is why it didn't work out.

[poppyfields]

48 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If you want to get over him tell your mind the truth that this guys interest didn't match yours and that is why it didn't work out.

Agree and @LF, that is precisely why I posted he was likely chatting and interacting, perhaps even dating locally, other women while interacting with you.

You said it doesn't help your mind to go there, I disagree.  This is exactly where your mind needs to go - facing reality versus this dream you've been living for the past four months.  

Neither I nor anyone is saying these things to hurt you, we say them because we want you to move on from this * ASAP.  And one way to do that is facing the reality that his interest simply did not match yours, period end of.

If it did, he would have made an effort to spend real time with you and develop a relationship with you.  As I said previously, he had four months and did nothing.   

Covid was his excuse, then when restrictions lifted, he used distance. 

Both were BS excuses, clearly.  I invite you to read Versace's post again for clarity on that.  Woman knows her stuff!  

He also would not have been skulking around on the apps and would have desired to be physical with you without you initiating first.

I don't understand the point of continuing to tell yourself you will wait until the weekend or whenever to take the necessary steps you should be taking now, in order to move on.

I'm sorry I truly don't mean to sound harsh, but what are you waiting for?  

I don't like to make assumptions but it almost seems like you enjoy wallowing in the misery (and comfort?) of your wounded status; I suppose it's better than moving on and feeling nothing?  

Is that what you are afraid of?  Feeling nothing?  

Not accusing, just asking.  If so, I can understand that too, I went through a period where feeling pain felt better than feeling nothing.   

I was severely depressed at the time.  Are you?  Something to consider and if so, there is help out there. 

I dunno, I see so much of myself in you and what you are experiencing.  I wish at the time I had someone to kick me in the rear and tell me to WAKE UP.  

Or as Cher told Nick Cage in "Moonstruck," snap out of it! 

My mum would have but she passed away a year prior.

That's what's so great about LS, we don't coddle or soft-cushion, we tell it straight, because often times that is what a poster needs. 

Anyway, nuff said.  Stay safe and best of luck moving forward. 

 

 

Edited July 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

19 hours ago, lovesfool said:

"You are allowed to start over. You are never required to remain stuck or stagnant. The journey is yours to reset whenever you feel like it." followed by his own message at the bottom saying "I needed to hear that today".

Thing is these motivational quotes are designed to fit into as many situations as possible.
So yes it may be about you, or some other girl, his job, his career, his relationship with a friend/family/parent..., his accommodation, a video game...  a mindset.
We all get "stuck", I guess every one of us could copy that quote to our social media and each of us would have a different meaning, a different story to tell.

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, lovesfool said:

That's a bit more upsetting, the thought of being used like that.

 

He didn't use you.  He didn't even have sex with you.  This type of thinking will also keep you stuck especially when it isn't true.  You have to embrace the facts, accept them for what they are so you can move forward.

[Versacehottie]

Here is a great quote that popped on social media yesterday that I think greatly applies to your situation, OP:

"A negative mind will never give you a positive life."

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He didn't use you.  He didn't even have sex with you.  This type of thinking will also keep you stuck especially when it isn't true.  You have to embrace the facts, accept them for what they are so you can move forward.

Magical thinking..

[Versacehottie]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He didn't use you.  He didn't even have sex with you.  This type of thinking will also keep you stuck especially when it isn't true.  You have to embrace the facts, accept them for what they are so you can move forward.

^^^^^ I agree that getting you to ACCEPT reality and the facts will be the best thing moving forward for you, OP.  For future success and to LEARN and GROW from these experiences.  

I think it's a lot about your mind working on overtime & filling in lots of blanks that are not based in fact & don't even consider the factual possibilities and weight them heavily.  I think that's part of why you swing kind of wildly from putting someone and a relationship on a pedestal to being driven almost to obsession when there is a chink in the armor that you MUST finally face to now where you have to make him evil almost to not like him and being pinning your future and everyday thoughts on him.

You need to get a a reality place where the fact that he didn't meet your personal standards of boyfriend material and the fact that he did not return your affection, level of your affection and expression of it is ENOUGH for you to let go.  Hopefully, you can see what a springboard this would be for future relationships--to take people and the situations they are offering more at face value and in the moment rather than build a fantasy future off of a little tiny bit of hope and self-imposed "lack of" opportunities with suitable guys.  To not assign hope where there is none.

 

[introverted1]

Whether it was 4 dates in 4 months or 4 dates in 6 weeks, the bottom line is that it was just 4 dates.  He was still sizing you up, as evidenced by the fact that he was still on the dating site, talking to and likely dating other women during that same time period.  This is all normal behavior.  With respect, what seems a little OTT is you thinking that 4 dates signified a special connection or commitment or even that you knew him as much more than a stranger. 

I see a lot of black and white thinking on your part:  he's either the potential love of your life or a narcissistic liar.  The reality is most likely that he is neither.  He's a guy you had 4 dates with who wasn't feeling it with you enough to become exclusive.  The sooner you can accept this as just the way dating goes sometimes, the better it will be for your own mental health.  Continuing to analyse the past and even current behavior of someone who is essentially a stranger has no payoff:  you can never know what he was or is thinking and, more to the point, this sort of ruminating keeps YOU stuck and unhappy. 

[lovesfool]

I think I'm just confusing myself with all the advice from all different corners of my life. My friends, articles online, this forum. I thought that thinking of him in the worst way possible would help things, but what I'm hearing here is not to do that. Also I am not trying to analyse the past anymore, but everyone else seems to be doing just that. It doesn't feel like it's helping when you tell me "he only did XYZ because he wasn't that interested" but then whenever I tried to interpret something I get shot down for trying to figure out why he did XYZ. It's confusing.

But now I honestly think I can move forward. At the moment I miss talking to him and when I think of him my stomach turns upside down. I have brief moments thinking of what could have been, but I then tell myself this was the only way it could have played out. I'm grounded in reality now, but the emotions are still running high.

My mind was going into overdrive today because I noticed that he is still following my Instagram stories, despite hiding his from me. I know it doesn't matter now, but I couldn't help thinking about it. Maybe he doesn't care if he sees my social media updates as he wasn't that invested in me and can get over it easily. Maybe he blocked me because he doesn't want me to know that he's moving on. Maybe he thinks I was too invested and is trying to stop me from clinging on. Or maybe he just likes to be in control. I'll never know and it doesn't help thinking about it, but it happened.

I have decided I won't block him on social media, BUT, I have restricted him and hidden any story or posts that he might make. He won't be visible anywhere on my feed, but he will still be able to see my stories and follow me. I decided to do this because I've done it before with an ex and it worked really well. Blocking seems so harsh to me, even if there's no future. Just because things ended doesn't mean I have to be cruel about it. And if you're wondering what's to stop me looking at his page? It's public. I could go to google anytime if I ever succumb to the urge so it makes no difference either way.

The problem now is how to stop myself from searching for his social media pages as I literally can't block them from a web browser. Is there any mental trick that I can do when I get the desire to seek him out, or is it solely self restraint?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

The problem now is how to stop myself from searching for his social media pages as I literally can't block them from a web browser. Is there any mental trick that I can do when I get the desire to seek him out, or is it solely self restraint?

Largely the latter. 

But if you need a mental trick, ask yourself how you'll feel if you one day check his social media and see a new woman in his life. 

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I have decided I won't block him on social media,

It would be best to delete and block him and all his people from all your social media messaging apps and devices. That way you stop obsessing, level the field and start moving forward. Do it for yourself, like getting rid of a thorn in your thumb. 

[Acacia98]

17 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I think I'm just confusing myself with all the advice from all different corners of my life. My friends, articles online, this forum. I thought that thinking of him in the worst way possible would help things, but what I'm hearing here is not to do that. Also I am not trying to analyse the past anymore, but everyone else seems to be doing just that. It doesn't feel like it's helping when you tell me "he only did XYZ because he wasn't that interested" but then whenever I tried to interpret something I get shot down for trying to figure out why he did XYZ. It's confusing.

But now I honestly think I can move forward. At the moment I miss talking to him and when I think of him my stomach turns upside down. I have brief moments thinking of what could have been, but I then tell myself this was the only way it could have played out. I'm grounded in reality now, but the emotions are still running high.

My mind was going into overdrive today because I noticed that he is still following my Instagram stories, despite hiding his from me. I know it doesn't matter now, but I couldn't help thinking about it. Maybe he doesn't care if he sees my social media updates as he wasn't that invested in me and can get over it easily. Maybe he blocked me because he doesn't want me to know that he's moving on. Maybe he thinks I was too invested and is trying to stop me from clinging on. Or maybe he just likes to be in control. I'll never know and it doesn't help thinking about it, but it happened.

I have decided I won't block him on social media, BUT, I have restricted him and hidden any story or posts that he might make. He won't be visible anywhere on my feed, but he will still be able to see my stories and follow me. I decided to do this because I've done it before with an ex and it worked really well. Blocking seems so harsh to me, even if there's no future. Just because things ended doesn't mean I have to be cruel about it. And if you're wondering what's to stop me looking at his page? It's public. I could go to google anytime if I ever succumb to the urge so it makes no difference either way.

The problem now is how to stop myself from searching for his social media pages as I literally can't block them from a web browser. Is there any mental trick that I can do when I get the desire to seek him out, or is it solely self restraint?

I don't know if this will help, but try thinking of the differences between you guys as incompatibility. He doesn't have to be a bad guy. He could just be different enough from you to make it unlikely that a relationship would work between you. In what ways is he different? Well, for one, he seems to be a multi-dating type while you seem to prefer dating one person at a time, and you develop a strong emotional attachment faster than he does. You also seem to prefer directness and honesty in communication (I think) and may even force a confrontation when you feel it necessary, while he seems to be the type who would lie to avoid confrontation. You also seem to be pursuing a very specific kind of relationship and have a timeline for that while he still seems unsure about what he wants and wants to explore. In short, you seem incompatible. You can actually have affection for somebody and enjoy the person's company but still be incompatible with each other.

I personally think your self-esteem is very low right now. So affirmation by others seems to have taken on great importance. You needed the relationship with him to work because that would  have proved that you were worthy of being loved. If things didn't work between you two, you would have interpreted that to mean that he was rejecting you and everything you represented. You would probably see it as proof that you would never meet the right person. So you really needed to believe he wanted to be with you.

That's the wrong mindset to bring to dating, though. If you need so bad for a relationship to work, then you are less likely to notice incompatibilities or even red flags when they arise. And you are likely to fight very hard to stay in a relationship with the wrong person, which is bound to make you miserable in the long-term.

What you need to do is take a long break from dating and start focusing on yourself. Try to understand who you are from a psychological standpoint and why you are that way. If you start to do that, if you commit to doing it, I assure you you will be so focused on understanding yourself that you will forget to focus on this guy. Someone has suggested counseling. I second that suggestion. And I also suggest that you get some reading materials (preferably psychology books or articles or blogs) on subjects like attachment styles (to start with).

[kendahke]

55 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

the problem now is how to stop myself from searching for his social media pages as I literally can't block them from a web browser.

Develop self discipline... and learn how to empty the cache of your browser and quit typing in the URL.  You're not hapless.

You can stop yourself, you can help yourself: the truth of the matter is--you don't want to do it. At the very least, don't be your own worse enemy by lying to yourself.

Edited July 30, 2020 by kendahke

[Acacia98]

I want to say something additional, lovesfool. You have the right instincts. You can sense when something is not quite right in your connection with a guy. That's why you suspected this guy was still on the app. That's why you came on here to get other people's perspectives. Many of us have been in your position before, and did not have the presence of mind to do either of those things. So you're actually ahead of the curve. What you need more than anything else is to regain your self-confidence so that the next time you have doubts about someone or something and those doubts are justified, you will trust what your eyes are telling you.

[Versacehottie]

Yeah I'm surprised that you refuse to do what is easy and necessary in blocking him.   That is easy & puts you and your progress first.  You are living for him & need to cut off options.  I'm not much for blocking people via phone or email but self-restraint and the ability to control your emotions is a huge part of allowing that.  Something which you are outright saying you cannot do.  I am 100% for blocking or unfollowing on social media--there is no reason for you to see his day to day life and effectively spy on him.  He has other ways to contact you if you are worried about cutting him off.  

I really hesitate to put my perspective on here about blocking because it's obvious that you are getting confused partly because your mind takes the information that fits the scenario as you want it,.  Also even if there was an exact formula, you've proven time and time again that you don't take that advice just manipulate and keep polling 100 places and people until you get an answer that you can work into what you desire to do.  So here it is is clearly: for YOU, I believe you need to block in all ways,  Failure to do so is just more of the evidence that you are not facing reality and have no real intention to move on.

You will keep hearing the overview: that he wasn't that into you until you face and accept this as reality.  That's why you keep hearing it.  It's going to be part of your moving on phase is to bring you back to earth so yes you will keep hearing that one.  In my other post, a few back, I suggested concentrating on how you were going to move forward with friends, family and things that are about you.  You are welcome to list those & turn this thread into your "moving on" thread which I said would be a great idea.  Again, you need to take personal responsibility as well--it's you that is debating the stuff about his social media and bringing up him and filtering your thoughts with him still in mind.  You don't respond to the stuff that is about you/you moving on. Let's call it like it is.

Edited July 30, 2020 by Versacehottie

[poppyfields]

LF, you mentioned in your initial post another separate issue with this guy, so did a little search, and noticed you had created around 4-5 threads about this guy since you first starting chatting!  

From what I read, you've felt on edge and unsure of him from the very beginning.

So not to be rude but I am genuinely confused about what exactly it is you are trying to move on from? 

Because it does not sound like you had much of anything; he'd been sending mixed messages from the get go, leaving you confused and wondering pretty much the entire 4 months. 

This really surprised me given how much you are struggling now.  And your previous posts claiming how crazy about each other you both were. 

Huh?  Was there another guy in between (or before or after) that you were referring to?  Serious question.

Cause I did not see anything in those threads that would even suggest this guy was crazy about you, sorry. 

I honestly don't know how to advise you now as it seems you've created an entire scenario in your head based on I don't even know what, because it does not appear there was anything there. 

Sometimes it's good to read your past threads for clarity and to refresh in your mind your history together, what there was of your history anyway.

Gosh, this guy did not make any effort at all.   Sure he drove to see you a few times, daytime "dates" then drove home, never did so much as kiss you.

This man at 26 years of age has never had a relationship in his entire life.  

You also mentioned in the thread about inviting him to dinner that he has trouble making decisions and you were majorly stressed about asking him to spend the night and how he would respond.  

The thread ended without knowing if he ever spent the night or not, or what the outcome was.

LF, there were so many glaring red flags from the get go.  

I do have some advice, go back and read your past threads, including this one, as if a good friend wrote them and not you.

What would you have advised her? 

Sometimes when we take ourselves and our emotions out of the equation, it's easier to gain clarity and recognize how dysfunctional or just plain wrong a particular situation is.

I don't advise trying to force yourself to not read his social media, forcing yourself not to read causes a different sort of craziness.  He will still be in your head regardless, perhaps more so.  Been there. 

So keep reading until you just don't care to read anymore.  It WILL happen, once you realize that what you imagined him and your "relationship" to be was not at all what it actually was.

Once you get to that place, you might even laugh at yourself wondering what the heck you were even thinking!

It's the point of indifference, that is where you want to be.

When you arrive there, you will read his stories and feel bored meh, nothingness.  Eye roll. 

This takes time but again if you read your past threads taking yourself and your emotions out of the equation, that indifference might come sooner than you think.  

 

Edited July 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

LF, to add, one thing that helped me a lot way back when was deleting all our texts and emails, FB messages, snaps, everything.

You can start slowly then gradually build up till most are gone. 

Reading our texting history was the number one thing that kept me stuck.

I am not talking about my ex, I am talking about a different guy after my ex I had fallen hard for. 

It was not a "relationship," it was an on- line "interaction."  I never deluded myself that it would be more, I kept my feet on ground about it, and it was a great experience. I learned a lot from it actually.

But when it ended, I admit I was a bit of a mess, I had really fallen hard for him or what he portrayed himself to be or what I had imagined him to be.

So I speak from experience and not judging you. 

Everything I advised helped me to move on from it, from the feelings, but if I'm honest, even though I am in a great relationship now, I still think of him from time to time, all good memories.  

Hopefully, you will get to that place too. xo

 

Edited July 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[beentheredonethat77]

I get it.. i was like you in my 20's too Lovefool (especially my teens really)-- What you are "getting over" .. and needing to "move on from" -- is not him -- its the fantasy that you had indulged in, hours of day dreaming, getting excited by the possibilities, obsessing about details -- All based on air -- all based on a narrative you created that wasn't based on reality.     I get it -- Been there, done that (note the name).     Im older and grew tired of (many times self-imposed) disappointments.. and quit forming any expectations.   It was not a relationship, it was a situationship until a truly transparent, trusting foundation was formed and we both eyeballed eachother and maturely established the basis of our relationship.   Until then, i quit the fantasies and day dreaming... no listening to romantic songs or picturing our wedding --- shut it all down. 

I would block him purely because hes already taken up enough free-rental space for four months, dont let him squat there for the rest of the year.     Especially as you know, deep down, there is and probably was always other women also vying for his attention. 

- One final note -- Its not this dudes fault you ran away with a fantasy he never co-signed --- however... This man/boy strikes me as incredibly immature, i know you guys are in your 20's but between the child-like 'cover story' about his profile being stolen and fake and his insistent of sticking to it despite evidence (so toddler like), along with these silly quotes on social media to stir up mystery (so pre-teen drama queen like) , he just seems incredibly stunted emotionally.  He quite possibly could be collecting women near and far, all of whom think these mysterious vague quotes are about them - fueling his feeling of power.     Or perhaps hes just really immature, either one -- just gives me major icks LOL.

Onwards and upwards for you Lovesfool --- If you've run out of viable options and your'e growing lonely in your town for dating, perhaps consider a move in the future, a fresh change with new options. 

 

Edited July 31, 2020 by beentheredonethat77

[lovesfool]

I appreciate the detailed posts.

I understand that it may seem strange how obsessed it must seem I am about him. I am not really like that in real life. This is my outlet. This is where I put all my thoughts on paper. Sometimes I start typing and I can't stop until every thought or every possible outcome to my what-ifs are on screen. It's probably frustrating to see, but I feel better when I let it all out.

You can read back through my threads. I overthink a lot. Especially with this guy. Why? Because I've only felt like this twice in my life, with the other time being 7 years ago. I can tell you, hand on heart, that I've never been interested in pursuing anything with anyone other than these two guys. I've been on a lot of dates through the years, so it's not like I'm not putting myself out there. I don't know why, but I don't feel attracted or interested in 99% of guys. That is not an exaggeration by the way.

So when this guy showed up I wanted to make it work. I questioned everything. Even small things he did, which in reality were non-issues at the time, but I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing to make it work. Please don't read that along the lines of forcing it to work, but just wanting it to go smoothly. There were obstacles in the way, like the distance and him not being in a relationship before, and didn't know how to handle it. It's nothing to do with low self-worth or anything like that, it was as simple as I enjoyed his company and didn't want that to stop.

I'll admit, he wasn't perfect. He had his faults, but everyone does and it's easy to dismiss or accept them when you're emotionally invested. It's hard to tell yourself this guy is wrong for you when your feelings take over. I'm sure there are plenty of you who have fallen for the less-than-perfect guy, or maybe are still in relationships with them and don't see it. 

[stillafool]

All of us are less than perfect so no one expects complete perfection.  What we are trying to do is help you to realize when a man's feelings don't match yours it's time to let them go.  It doesn't mean he's a  bad guy it's just that he wasn't as into you as you were him.  It's good to realize when it's time to give up and move on.  We can't make someone love us.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I'll admit, he wasn't perfect. He had his faults, but everyone does and it's easy to dismiss or accept them when you're emotionally invested. It's hard to tell yourself this guy is wrong for you when your feelings take over. I'm sure there are plenty of you who have fallen for the less-than-perfect guy, or maybe are still in relationships with them and don't see it. 

None of us is perfect or are in relationships with men/women that are perfect BUT the important thing is that BOTH people give their 100% to that relationship. This has nothing to do with this guy and his lack on interest toward you. Relationships with 1 person lacking interest don't take off the ground, they abort after 3-4 dates. 

Also, I think you need to seriously question yourself as to why you feel this strongly toward a man that did nothing to deserve it. You have developped very strong feelings for him while he did nothing to generate this love in you. This man did nothing to make you feel special or wanted, all he did was show up at 4 dates that YOU organized, and nothing special happened in those day-date.