idkanymorenow Posted July 17, 2020 Posted July 17, 2020 (edited) So I've known my girlfriend for a little over a year now and we get along really well. I'm currently in the U.S. visiting family and it's a struggle to be able to go back to her (she's in the U.K.) because of travel restrictions and such. So for the last few weeks she's been really depressed about her days being the same and not having me there since we haven't seen each other in a while, and recently her friend who she has known since about 14/15 years old (we're 20/21 now) invited her to visit him at his uni for 2-3 days so she can change it up and get away from her house where she spends all of her time. Normally I'd be okay with her doing something social, and I trust her, but I know of this guy and I know that around 4-5 years ago they hooked up once and that was about it, no feelings toward him just that. She says she doesn't see him like that at all, and I believe her, but when she was telling me about how he invited her and was asking if I'd be okay with it, I was until I heard what he said. He asked her if "I hope your man is comfortable with you visiting" and when she said it's fine, he said "what happens in Bristol (where they're meeting) stays in Bristol" and she just brushed it off as a joke. She says he was joking but it seems to me that this guy doesn't give a f*** and doesn't respect our relationship at all, and I got mad at her for brushing it off as a joke instead of defending us and telling him off. She also said multiple times he's just a friend and that sexual fling they had is in the past and won't happen again (but has admitted that it would happen if she was more forward with him and was single because he's clearly down for it, so she's basically saying it would happen if she wasn't with me so clearly this guy thinks of her that way ), and that when she gets there she'll tell him this is only a friends thing and nothing will happen. Am I wrong for getting mad that 1) she didn't defend us when he clearly disrespected our relationship with his s***ty Bristol line, and 2) am I in the wrong for feeling uncomfortable about her STILL going even after what he said? It's not about trust, I trust that she can control what happens and she won't do anything, at this point it's more that it seems disrespectful to me and to us because she's putting this trip above how I feel and the fact that I'm uncomfortable with it (maybe I'm being selfish because I know how sad she's been stuck in the house, but if it wasn't for what this guy said and disrespected our relationship because he clearly doesn't care if she has a bf I'd be COMPLETELY fine with her visiting a friend because I believe her when she says nothing will happen). I feel like she should've told him off after his "what happens in bristol stays in bristol" "("joke" she says but I know damn well he was trying to see her reaction) and stood up for our relationship saying nothing will happen and she can't believe he'd say that, just anything along those lines? Am I being unreasonable for feeling like that and feeling like if she knows I'm uncomfortable with it after what he said, to put that above anything else and not go? It just feels so disrespectful at this point but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not, please help because I feel like even if she's saying "I know why it makes you uncomfortable but you know how depressed I've been in the house and this is a chance for me to go out and do social things, when he made that joke I didn't think of it as that deep I just brushed it off" I was close to telling her if she willingly goes after knowing how I feel about it and what he said, that we'd be done and she's free to do whatever she wants because I'd leave due to the disrespect she's showing. I just want some outside perspectives, Thanks. Edited July 17, 2020 by idkanymorenow
ExpatInItaly Posted July 17, 2020 Posted July 17, 2020 (edited) What is it with the co-ed Covid sleepovers these days? More than a few folks seem to think quarantine gives them license to blur boundaries in their relationships; this isn't the first thread we've seen like this. This is just not a good idea, on so many levels. She knows it, too. If there were no sexual history between them and this guy hadn't made a sleezy joke (thus indicating his interest), it might be a different story. But I can't see any good coming of this excursion. It's not about being "right" about your feelings - it's about seeing exactly where your girlfriend's boundaries and level of respect for you are. It's certainly understandable why you're uncomfortable, but rather than raising a fuss, I'd tell her very clearly that she is free to do as she pleases, but you might then need to re-evaluate the viability of the relationship, based on whatever choice she makes. See what she then does of her own volition. If you feel it's out of line, walk away. Easier said than done, I realize, but you sometimes need to take a stand and see the other party chooses knowing how you feel about it. It might not be a choice you like. That is where you will learn whether your and her respective relationship boundaries are compatible enough to continue. Edited July 17, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 2
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2020 Posted July 17, 2020 (edited) I think it was just a bad joke. If you otherwise trust her, try to be OK with this. Ask her to call you / skype / facetime / zoom from there so you can see some of what's going on. If she checks in with you regularly & enforces her own boundaries it should be fine. Just because the guy may be open to FWB doesn't mean your GF is. Give her some credit. Who knows when international borders will re-open. You two are in for a long haul. If there's no trust better it should end sooner rather than be dragged out. Edited July 17, 2020 by d0nnivain
Calmandfocused Posted July 17, 2020 Posted July 17, 2020 So my perspective is that this is entirely inappropriate. Inappropriate and disrespectful to your relationship... inappropriate boundary violation to the friendship she has with him... Not good! So your gf expects you to be at ease with her spending one-one time with a “good friend” who she slept with historically and who clearly wants to sleep with her again? Come on... no man would swallow that. There is only 2 circumstances where this would be appropriate IMO: 1) if she went to visit him with you and 2) if there was a group of them going... even then this would be dodgy. If she’s lonely why can’t she spend time with some female friends? Her excuses are just that. So in summary, yes your feelings are valid and any boyfriend would feel the same in your position. 2
introverted1 Posted July 17, 2020 Posted July 17, 2020 So of all the friends your gf has, she has to go visit the one guy who'd like to bone her? Something's rotten in Denmark. 2
Realitysux Posted July 17, 2020 Posted July 17, 2020 Awe, she's depressed because she hasn't seen you for a while, you are still dating, and she is going to go out with another man because you are stuck in the US and she wants to socialize. She sounds like she is being very selfish in the relationship so dump her and give her a wake up call 2
Author idkanymorenow Posted July 17, 2020 Author Posted July 17, 2020 (edited) UPDATE: So she talked to this guy and told him over the phone that nothing was gonna happen when she got there and it was purely a friend thing. Within an hour of this he revoked the offer and said "I'll just see you when I come by your area sometime then", and then asked if she had told me that he asked her to visit. She said yes wouldn't I to which he replied "Oh so I guess you're not wanting to do stuff if you're telling him about this", and basically admitted he only wanted her to come by to bang her and to have kept it a secret from me so they could "do stuff". She hasn't replied after that and told me that she's no longer going. I feel like it shouldn't have taken this to happen as it was pretty obvious from the start what his intentions were, but there's that I guess. Edited July 17, 2020 by idkanymorenow
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2020 Posted July 17, 2020 He may have been a bad guy but she was always a loyal GF. She chose to believe the best in him which may make her naive but as I originally stated, you would be wrong to assume she couldn't hold her own.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18, 2020 Posted July 18, 2020 7 hours ago, idkanymorenow said: and basically admitted he only wanted her to come by to bang her and to have kept it a secret from me so they could "do stuff". She hasn't replied after that and told me that she's no longer going. I feel like it shouldn't have taken this to happen as it was pretty obvious from the start what his intentions were, but there's that I guess. Well, yeah. Your girlfriend will hopefully have a better-functioning BS detector from now on, and filter out guys with questionable intentions.
Author idkanymorenow Posted July 18, 2020 Author Posted July 18, 2020 16 hours ago, d0nnivain said: He may have been a bad guy but she was always a loyal GF. She chose to believe the best in him which may make her naive but as I originally stated, you would be wrong to assume she couldn't hold her own. Do you think it's normal that after she told him it's only a friends thing, and that he's still pushing for it, instead of her shutting him down and saying "stop asking or bothering me about it" or "I'm not coming because you're being weird/disrespectful" she's making it seem like she CANT come but would if she could (and this is making him think she is open to the idea of doing stuff which is why he's still pushing). Is it normal for her to want to avoid the confrontation this much? Am I expecting too much of her when I get annoyed that she's not telling him she's not coming because of what he did, not being like "oh I can't afford the ticket/i have an appointment" because I feel like that's just making him think she's not rejecting him, she just can't come and in no way has anything to do with what he tried. He's still saying s*** like "come anyway I'm lonely" "skip your therapy I'll give you therapy" and she just never confronts him and says she straight up doesn't want to come because of what he did. Is she just afraid of the confrontation because if so then I get it but if it's any other reason it's sort of annoying that she's making him think she'd come if she could and he's thinking she doesn't care at all that he tried to do that with someone who has a boyfriend.
Gaeta Posted July 18, 2020 Posted July 18, 2020 Has nothing to do with being afraid of confrontation, she is simply keeping him as an option. Your girlfriend has very questionable boundaries. Some think she is just naive, I don't think so, I think she knows exactly what she's doing. I think she enjoys this guy chasing her, and she's not shutting him down to keep her options open. If I were you I'd look for a better girlfriend, it's only a matter of time before this one cheats on you. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18, 2020 Posted July 18, 2020 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Your girlfriend has very questionable boundaries. Some think she is just naive, I don't think so, I think she knows exactly what she's doing. I think she enjoys this guy chasing her, and she's not shutting him down to keep her options open. I suspect the same, to be honest. She needs to be clear with this guy about why she’s not coming, and not pretending it’s because she can’t afford the ticket. The fact she she’s not drawing better and firmer boundaries is troubling, OP. What reason does she give you for making excuses to him?
FMW Posted July 18, 2020 Posted July 18, 2020 I agree with Gaeta. It's unlikely she was clueless about what he wanted, but that wasn't a problem for her. She wanted to enjoy the attention and flirtation. And that desire/need for attention definitely can lead to something happening even if she tells you (and herself) it's just a friendly thing. Unless she's 12, she knows this, no matter how much she protests to the contrary. You're not physically an option right now, he is. Don't ignore these kind of things. Don't ignore your feelings about them. You're not overreacting.
SumGuy Posted July 18, 2020 Posted July 18, 2020 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: I suspect the same, to be honest. She needs to be clear with this guy about why she’s not coming, and not pretending it’s because she can’t afford the ticket. The fact she she’s not drawing better and firmer boundaries is troubling, OP. What reason does she give you for making excuses to him? Agreed. That she didn't shut down this "friendship" after he showed this is not about friendship at all but him getting laid is problematic. I wouldn't care how long they have known each other, in fact that is what makes his behavior even more creepy and douche baggery. Where is the respect for her as a person and her relationships? I can tell you where, no where. It is all about his junk and that male-female relationships are just supposed to be sexual. That he can't hear no for an answer...and makes endless suggests on how to connive her into yes, is exactly the kind of mind set that leads to date rape. This "friend" is scum and a d**che bag of the highest order, that she refuses to see that and outright block him shows what bad judgement she has. If it was me, I'd seriously be re-evaluating the relationship and just how great she is....these are not signs of something that lasts.
d0nnivain Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 She's young & while she might have enjoyed the attention, she still knew where the lines were. Maybe she walked right up to the line but she didn't cross it. Could she have been firmer ? Sure. Should she have recognized his intentions? Maybe but nobody makes great decisions when they are young. That is why experience is the best teacher. All I'm saying is the OP/BF doesn't have to dump her for being an unfaithful GF because she wasn't Yes, he should keep an eye on the uni guy but I think the GF is keeping her distance. We always talk about actions speaking louder then words. Her actions were honorable. She's not going. Simply because he words to him around why weren't strong doesn't make her a cheater.
Gaeta Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: We always talk about actions speaking louder then words. Her actions were honorable. She's not going. Simply because he words to him around why weren't strong doesn't make her a cheater. Yes but..... Once he made it known he was looking for sex she continued exchanging with him, that cancels out all the 'honoroble' of her decision to not go. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: , that cancels out all the 'honoroble' of her decision to not go. She's 20 years old. Did you get everything right at that age? I didn't. Do your daughters make mistakes? Of course. They are human. Continuing to talk doesn't cancel out "all" of the good decision not to go,
Gaeta Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: She's 20 years old. Did you get everything right at that age? I didn't. Do your daughters make mistakes? Of course. They are human. Continuing to talk doesn't cancel out "all" of the good decision not to go, I was getting married the summer of my 20th birthday. Entertaining a man that had made it clear he wanted sex with me would have been considered cheating. My then husband would have solved it the way things were solved in 1986, he would have broken his face. The lines to not cross while in a relationship are very clear and this from a very young age. It might be blurry when no one spoke about their desire for sex but once that's been out in the open there is no room for confusion and no room to play naive.
Temporary456 Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 23 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I suspect the same, to be honest. She needs to be clear with this guy about why she’s not coming, and not pretending it’s because she can’t afford the ticket. The fact she she’s not drawing better and firmer boundaries is troubling, OP. What reason does she give you for making excuses to him? I’ve asked her countless times why she doesn’t just tell him she’s not coming because of how he’s acting/what he said, and she just says “you know I hate confrontation I can’t” “it’ll be so awkward” “stop trying to get me to confront him about it you know it’s hard for me” and it just seems like a bunch of bs... Idk..
ExpatInItaly Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 2 minutes ago, Temporary456 said: I’ve asked her countless times why she doesn’t just tell him she’s not coming because of how he’s acting/what he said, and she just says “you know I hate confrontation I can’t” “it’ll be so awkward” “stop trying to get me to confront him about it you know it’s hard for me” and it just seems like a bunch of bs... Idk.. Psst.... you forgot to log back into the account you originally posted this thread from.
Temporary456 Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Psst.... you forgot to log back into the account you originally posted this thread from. Yeah I have a tendency to forget my passwords but remembered this one afterwards lol
smackie9 Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 This is about maturity, respect, and what is appropriate. You are discovering things about your GF and she has learned from the experience. Yes she can hold her own but this isn't about that, this is about how she conducts herself in your relationship, and the decisions she makes. This is where communication is key. You spoke up, expressed your feelings. She was naive, and is still learning about men. She discovered she was about to make a big mistake, but this wouldn't have happened if you didn't speak up. Next thing to do is to discuss "boundaries" that will apply to the both of you equally. Every expectation/moral compass/relationship is different. So you both have some talkin to do to make sure things stay on track. You live learn grow and go forward.
Temporary456 Posted July 19, 2020 Posted July 19, 2020 On 7/18/2020 at 11:52 AM, ExpatInItaly said: I suspect the same, to be honest. She needs to be clear with this guy about why she’s not coming, and not pretending it’s because she can’t afford the ticket. The fact she she’s not drawing better and firmer boundaries is troubling, OP. What reason does she give you for making excuses to him? Update: He messaged her today asking why she’s not coming again because initially she was going to before this and she finally told him what he said made her uncomfortable and that’s the reason why. He told her to forget about all of that and that he just wants to spend time with her. This is obviously bulls*** and I told her he’s only saying it bc he got called out (basing this off of the fact that he kept saying stuff along the same lines after she said nothing is gonna happen if she came and didn’t let up knowing she didn’t want it) and she immediately got mad at me for it saying “thanks for saying my friend doesn’t just want to spend genuine time with me”, but personally I don’t think he’s your friend no matter how long she’s known him if he shows a clear lack of respect to the relationship she has.
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