lovesfool Posted July 16, 2020 Posted July 16, 2020 Don't want to go through my whole dating story, but I've been dating a guy for 4 months (only 4 physical dates due to Covid). We've been getting on great and he's always shown interest in me when we have conversations. We met over the weekend and when he got home he messaged me to say he got home safe and that he had a great time. I figure everything is going well, but then I start to overthink things as I do! I realised that I instigate a lot of conversations and have been the one to suggest meeting up for every one of the 4 dates we've been on. I wanted to 'test' how interested in me he actually is so I decided to wait for him to message me and for him to suggest the next time to meet. It's been 4 days now and I've heard nothing. I was the last one to instigate a message and I also sent the last message in the conversation. Admittedly there's not much to talk about because we're both very idle due to Covid, unless we just talk about what's on Netflix! I don't like to play games, but I just felt that he doesn't show active interest in me, just passive, if that makes any sense. He will always reply to my messages and be very enthusiastic if I suggest to meet, but he doesn't seem to want to be the first one to suggest it. Just typing this out I also realised that when we're intimate (both kissing and in the bedroom), he never instigates. It's always me. I can tell he really enjoys being with me and finds me attractive because he often reminds me! He's never been in a serious relationship and I'm wondering if he doesn't know what to do or if there's something else going on. Maybe he's afraid of getting close to someone, I don't know. Should I talk to him about it? I don't want to be the only one driving these dates forward.
d0nnivain Posted July 16, 2020 Posted July 16, 2020 Yes. You should talk to him about it but alas you will have to instigate that too. Do say that you noticed you always instigate & it's making you question whether he's genuinely interested or just going with the flow. Then point blank ask him to initiate the next date
Author lovesfool Posted July 16, 2020 Author Posted July 16, 2020 35 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Yes. You should talk to him about it but alas you will have to instigate that too. Do say that you noticed you always instigate & it's making you question whether he's genuinely interested or just going with the flow. Then point blank ask him to initiate the next date I'm really confused because I do think he's interested because he always messages back when I message him. The conversations can go on for a while then. He also goes to the effort of coming to visit me when it's a 2 hour drive for him to get here. I even said to him that I felt guilty that he is always coming to see me but he said he didn't mind at all. He's also said a few times that I should meet his friends, or that he can't wait to meet my family. He even said as much the last time I was speaking to him. I had a distant thought that he might be a little bit narcissistic as he is very much into social media and posting story updates about himself. Maybe he doesn't instigate because he wants to be chased or desired? Does asking him to initiate a date not defeat the purpose? Telling him to show interest instead of him wanting to? It could also be that he doesn't know what to say or do, both because of his lack of experience and because he told me that he is very indecisive (which I have noticed in other situations). Sorry for the ramble. When I start typing a lot of thoughts suddenly start to enter my mind so it may be a little bit incoherent!
d0nnivain Posted July 16, 2020 Posted July 16, 2020 8 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Does asking him to initiate a date not defeat the purpose? Telling him to show interest instead of him wanting to? yes & no. I love my husband but the man can't plan. He just can't. I get things done most of the time & his slow seemingly indecisive pace made me crazy. I was chomping at the bit in our early stages of dating because I was more of a mover & a shaker. My busy schedule forced him out of his comfort zone to make more plans because I had so much going on & so many standing evening obligations that he learned quickly to get in there if he wanted on my calendar. Just be gentle with him. Say something along the lines of I notice I made a lot of our plans & I initiate most of the time. I just wanted to make sure that I'm not smothering you or pestering you but I'd also kind of like it if you could initiate once in a while so I feel a bit less insecure. If you make a puppy face at him when you say this he should step up. 1
snowboy91 Posted July 16, 2020 Posted July 16, 2020 2 hours ago, lovesfool said: He's never been in a serious relationship and I'm wondering if he doesn't know what to do .... This would be the best explanation - either he's not sure how this works or he's quite worried/nervous about it. I agree that it's worth discussing that you would like him to initiate dates/conversation at some point, but reassure him that you won't bite his head off if it's not a "perfect" date - that you're happy with anything as long as he has the idea. 1
Grey40 Posted July 17, 2020 Posted July 17, 2020 Your initial gut feelings and thoughts on this are most likely correct. His interest level isn’t very high in you at all. He’s interested enough to see you now and then and respond to you, but someone who is super interested will return some of the initiating, it shouldn’t ever be 80% you all the time. Stay away from dating people who aren’t going to put in equal effort.
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2020 Posted July 17, 2020 (edited) Never had a relationship? big red flag. There's a reason....he's frickin lazy. Just think how many women gave up on him because of this. Yes there are assertive women out there that like to make all the decisions...that's whom he needs, not you. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, because I am pretty sure he's already had a talkin to about it before. This dude is a dud. Edited July 17, 2020 by smackie9 2
Velvet teddy Posted July 17, 2020 Posted July 17, 2020 20 hours ago, lovesfool said: Don't want to go through my whole dating story, but I've been dating a guy for 4 months (only 4 physical dates due to Covid). We've been getting on great and he's always shown interest in me when we have conversations. We met over the weekend and when he got home he messaged me to say he got home safe and that he had a great time. I figure everything is going well, but then I start to overthink things as I do! I realised that I instigate a lot of conversations and have been the one to suggest meeting up for every one of the 4 dates we've been on. I wanted to 'test' how interested in me he actually is so I decided to wait for him to message me and for him to suggest the next time to meet. It's been 4 days now and I've heard nothing. I was the last one to instigate a message and I also sent the last message in the conversation. Admittedly there's not much to talk about because we're both very idle due to Covid, unless we just talk about what's on Netflix! I don't like to play games, but I just felt that he doesn't show active interest in me, just passive, if that makes any sense. He will always reply to my messages and be very enthusiastic if I suggest to meet, but he doesn't seem to want to be the first one to suggest it. Just typing this out I also realised that when we're intimate (both kissing and in the bedroom), he never instigates. It's always me. I can tell he really enjoys being with me and finds me attractive because he often reminds me! He's never been in a serious relationship and I'm wondering if he doesn't know what to do or if there's something else going on. Maybe he's afraid of getting close to someone, I don't know. Should I talk to him about it? I don't want to be the only one driving these dates forward. If he initiated even a little bit would be better than nothing at all to be honest, which is what it is now. How long would you be able to keep that sort of relationship up? Im sure at least some of the time you want to feel like he actually wants and likes you.
Fox Sake Posted July 17, 2020 Posted July 17, 2020 Okay, this goes hand in hand with your other most recent thread. This guy is not serious about you . You already caught him window shopping on a dating app (other thread). If I was you I would cut your losses, save your heart and move on. He’s likely never been in a serious relationship because of how he treats women, he’s not serious about commitment 1
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