Partner dieting, driving me crazy

[5x5]

On 7/17/2020 at 12:44 AM, Ruby Slippers said:

Have you considered trying to be understanding and supportive of your boyfriend's health and fitness goals? What he's doing is a lot healthier than what a lot of people do these days, overeating and underexercising. When you consume fewer calories, you give your digestive system a break, meaning your body can divert energy to the deeper cellular healing that it needs, which absolutely supports better long-term health.

Did you miss the part where the OP shared that she is in recovery from suffering from a severe eating disorder for nearly a decade?

If you did I can understand your response.

Otherwise that kind of stuff really isn't helpful.

My daughter cottoned onto the idea of better and healthier eating and more exercise. And the kind of stuff you have written. Which has led her down a nightmare rabbit hole.

First she started wanting some diet or lite versions of foods, and started exercising more. Which then led to significant restricting, and enormous amounts of over exercise as well. Which saw her end up in hospital on the first occasion with a dangerously low heart rate and an NG tube up her nose to feed her.

Seventeen months later she has bone damage, organ damage, a suicide attempt, arms that have been sliced open repeatedly. Before then she was an A-B student at school who was talented in so many areas. Yet now she doesn't do any school work or much of anything else at all, except the rinse and repeat of multiple hospital admissions.

I hope our daughter survives this and doesn't become another casualty of an affliction which robs so many wonderful and sensitive people of their lives. Just as I hope JulieDtd continues to survive that which has robbed her of so much.

This isn't about giving ones digestive system a break, this is about survival in the face of death.

 

 

[Noproblem]

End the relationship better than you sabotaged your health and self-esteem.

He is not worth your health and well-being, You already beat this, so don't fall again in this spiral of doubt, guilt, and self-hatred. 

 

You are beautiful and healthy now.. this guy will drag you down.. 

 

and come to think of it, why he wants to have a 6 pack when he already has a great body?

 

Simple answer: he has a new girl interest!

 

 

[Ellener]

I eat almost nothing that other people eat, it works for me. I would never eat a pizza, what disgusting indigestible crap!

Keto microwave bread, overnight oats, frozen peas in the microwave....one of my friends said I am dysfunctional but she's 150 lbs overweight.

I think most of us have to play games with our minds to stay healthy and thin.

It's a trade off!

 

 

[5x5]

39 minutes ago, Ellener said:

I think most of us have to play games with our minds to stay healthy and thin.

Did you also miss the part about recovering from an eating disorder as well.

Where is your empathy?

Following playing games with her mind to stay healthy and thin as you call it. My 157cm (5'1") daughter, went from 50kg (110 lbs) to 35kg (77 lbs) and has still not reached her original weight through a year and a half of significant treatment. As a consequence of that she could lose her life, which is also what the OP faces if she again falls into the grip of the eating disorder monster.

Being able to eat pizza and be okay with that, can be the difference between being able to live or face an early death through organ failure.

Please try to be more considerate.

[poppyfields]

On 7/16/2020 at 5:22 AM, JulieDtd said:

I had an eating disorder in the past and find his habits very bad for my mental health. 

Not sure what to do here, had a fight with him today about this. 

I suppose it's akin to being a recovering alcoholic and dating someone who drinks to an extreme.  

I think everyone has different trigger points and if his eating habits trigger you to the point it's affecting your mental health, then you can either (1) talk to him about what you're feeling and how it triggers you without being accusatory or critical of him for choosing this lifestyle whether temporary or permanent or (2) end the relationship. 

If you choose number 1, when you talk, make sure you make it about your feelings and how it triggers you, not a criticism of him or an attempt to control him.

After you talk, let it be his choice, hopefully you can reach some middle ground, a compromise of sorts.

If not, then leave.  

5x5, I'm sorry to hear what is happening with your daughter.  I too had a severe eating disorder years ago, not as severe as your daughter but bad nevertheless. 

15 years later (now), I still struggle!!  Like alcoholism, one never truly recovers I don't think, but rather manages it.  

JulieDtd, good luck and hope everything works out for you, tough decisions ahead.  

Stay true to yourself and do what is best for YOU!  

 

Edited July 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[Realitysux]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I suppose it's akin to being a recovering alcoholic and dating someone who drinks to an extreme.  

I think everyone has different trigger points and if his eating habits trigger you to the point it's affecting your mental health, then you can either (1) talk to him about what you're feeling and how it triggers you without being accusatory or critical of him for choosing this lifestyle whether temporary or permanent or (2) end the relationship. 

If you choose number 1, when you talk, make sure you make it about your feelings and how it triggers you, not a criticism of him or an attempt to control him.

After you talk, let it be his choice, hopefully you can reach some middle ground, a compromise of sorts.

If not, then leave.  

5x5, I'm sorry to hear what is happening with your daughter.  I too had a severe eating disorder years ago, not as severe as your daughter but bad nevertheless. 

15 years later (now), I still struggle!!  Like alcoholism, one never truly recovers I don't think, but rather manages it.  

JulieDtd, good luck and hope everything works out for you, tough decisions ahead.  

Stay true to yourself and do what is best for YOU!  

 

Most women have suffered with dieting in their life. I'm lucky I have never had an eating disorder but as women evolve, they will at some point be insecure and most often diet incorrectly. The issue that I have, and my body is in top shape, I'm fit and physically strong but most trainers do not have the proper knowledge of nutrition. I also eat like a horse and I don't gain weight! 

[poppyfields]

We (bf and I)  just bought one of those very high quality blenders, the ones you can put whole raw fruits and veggies in (versus simply juicing) and it's been fun experimenting (and drinking) different health and energy drinks.

Eating lots and lots of greens now, including kale which I typically hate. oh and I mix 2 tablespoons of organic apple cider vinegar in with every drink, and its delicious!  Super healthy too!

I highly recommend!!  

[Realitysux]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

We (bf and I)  just bought one of those very high quality blenders, the ones you can put whole raw fruits and veggies in (versus simply juicing) and it's been fun experimenting (and drinking) different health and energy drinks.

Eating lots and lots of greens now, including kale which I typically hate. oh and I mix 2 tablespoons of organic apple cider vinegar in with every drink, and its delicious!  Super healthy too!

I highly recommend!!  

I have enough experience to be a nutritionist but I don't preach my friend. I allow people to move on in life without gaming them. My body is ripped and I can run faster then u think .. the gyms opens next week and I can't wait to use my stamina in the gym 

Edited July 18, 2020 by Realitysux

[Realitysux]

Its not about weight loss. It's about fitness

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Realitysux said:

I have enough experience to be a nutritionist but I don't preach my friend. I allow people to move on in life without gaming them. My body is ripped and I can run faster then u think 

Just sharing Reality, not preaching.  Like you,  I allow people to make their own choices as well.

Glad you're keeping fit, me too!  I used to run more often than I do now, but now do yoga and pilates, it's very calming as well.  Helps with my anxiety. 

[Realitysux]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Just sharing Reality, not preaching.  Like you,  I allow people to make their own choices as well.

Glad you're keeping fit, me too!  I used to run more often than I do now, but now do yoga and pilates, it's very calming as well.  Helps with my anxiety. 

But your posts trigger me. Isnt that the point 

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, 5x5 said:

Did you also miss the part about recovering from an eating disorder as well.

Where is your empathy?

Following playing games with her mind to stay healthy and thin as you call it. My 157cm (5'1") daughter, went from 50kg (110 lbs) to 35kg (77 lbs) and has still not reached her original weight through a year and a half of significant treatment. As a consequence of that she could lose her life, which is also what the OP faces if she again falls into the grip of the eating disorder monster.

Being able to eat pizza and be okay with that, can be the difference between being able to live or face an early death through organ failure.

Please try to be more considerate.

Sorry.

[JulieDtd]

Hi everyone, thanks so much for the responses, many of which were really well thought out, and detailed. 

5x5, thank you so much for shining a light on the reality of eating disorders. I'm really sorry that you and your family have been and are going through so much pain and stress. 

I wish your daughter all the best in her recovery. For me, growing older, witnessing others 'pain, truly understanding that having a great figure will not bring me happiness, all helped in my recovery, tenuous though it may be. But most of all, having solid, unwavering support from key figures has been an incredible buoy for me in those days. 

You sound like an incredibly empathetic, giving and supportive person. It is rare that even close ones can understand the condition, its struggles, so well and with so much empathy. Your daughter is lucky to have you. I believe your love and support will guide her through these tough times. 

 

As for my situation, I incorporated different pieces of advice, and had a long, honest chat with my partner, who agreed to adapt his dieting to focus more on eating healthy (e.g. Avoiding processed foods) rather than obsessive counting of calories, etc. He would also avoid any comments about his body, mine (even certain compliments, such as hearing that I had lost weight, could make me simply crave being even thinner) about dieting and about achieving a better body. 

He also agreed to cool it a little with the workouts, as it was getting worrying (he went back to the gym with his sprained back and sprained his neck). 

While i would like to support him in his projects and goals, I just have to accept that there are some I cannot fully stand behind. I'll work on supporting him in other areas. It's selfish, maybe, but necessary for me. 

I guess cooking healthier, having appropriate portions and exercising more, e.g. a daily jog, are some things I believe I can handle now, and my best compromise for now. 

(In the past, I couldn't do things on moderation. I used to work out twice a day, with at least one of the sessions being 2 hours at the gym, doing weights and hiit. And this, with tiny or purged meals.) 

I'm no longer thin, so it's still often easy to go down that whirlpool of darkness, but I guess I can hang on to the idea of being fit rather than thin, and being happy rather than perfect. 

Thanks again everyone! 

[dangerous]

On 7/16/2020 at 3:41 PM, Fox Sake said:

Okay , why is he skipping breakfast? 
I’ll give you the same advice I use to give my PT clients who were weight conscious or dieting. 
 

breakfast is THE MOST important meal of the day.  Whether you want to lose weight or gain weight. 
 

Tell him to eat a banana for breakfast every day. It’s called the “Assa Banana diet” 

What this will do is kick start his metabolism. If he doesn’t eat breakfast then anything he eats throughout day will make his body go into emergency mode and he will end up storing fat and then living off his reserves, get grumpy and lethargic. It’s a truly horrible cycle. My clients used to lose a stone a month mixed with exercise 3x a week and 2 hours of cardio every week. A healthy weight loss too, none of that dangerous dieting. 
 

I can go into much more detail with all this if you want me to. 
But as a guide, if he’s hell bent on dieting, his day should look like this - 

Breakfast - banana. Nothing else. Not milk not yoghurt not toast. Just a banana.  

Snack 11pm - sliced bell peppers , or an apple. You want to aim for high fibre. 

Lunch - Protein salad. This could be a chicken salad , tuna salad , things like that. 
 

Mid afternoon snacks - Fruit and nuts.  Not another banana tho. 
 

Dinner - Normal dinner! This can be anything from a roast to a pizza. You can eat the meals you make together. It makes no odds. Just portion control and don’t over eat. 
 

Bed time snack- just no. 
 

Very happy to go into more detail if you want it. I’m fully qualified to the highest degree here in the U.K. (REPS 3)  I have another career I do now because I hated the wanky stigma that was attached to being a personal trainer. 
 

I’m concerned for you partner right now. His dieting doesn’t sound healthy, mentally or physically. 

Sorry mate, I am a PT too, and have personally experimented with various diets and fasting techniques, successfully, It is not true to say someone HAS to eat breakfast, or its unhealthy. It's simply not true. For every opinion of why one way is right, there is another opinion that counters it. And that goes for the science/ studies too. Some people perform well with breakfast, and others better without.

Back to the OP: I think that her past eating disorder may still be an issue for her. He should be able to make his own choices, as long as he isn't trying to force on her. And as to whether or not she signed up to his new lifestyle, sometimes, people and relationships change, and w need to either adapt or reassess whether they are still right for us.

 

 

 

[Fox Sake]

6 minutes ago, dangerous said:

Sorry mate, I am a PT too, and have personally experimented with various diets and fasting techniques, successfully, It is not true to say someone HAS to eat breakfast, or its unhealthy. It's simply not true. For every opinion of why one way is right, there is another opinion that counters it. And that goes for the science/ studies too. Some people perform well with breakfast, and others better without.

Back to the OP: I think that her past eating disorder may still be an issue for her. He should be able to make his own choices, as long as he isn't trying to force on her. And as to whether or not she signed up to his new lifestyle, sometimes, people and relationships change, and w need to either adapt or reassess whether they are still right for us.

 

 

 

No need to apologise! I’m quite happy with the 9 years I did that career for and my ex clients results spoke for themselves. As well the thousands I spend studying and qualifying diet advice. 
You do things your way and I do them mine. 
I quit that career cos if all the people who believe it’s there way or the highway. It’s a cut throat industry if you’re self employed. To each their own. 

Edited July 18, 2020 by Fox Sake
Grammar

[Ruby Slippers]

14 hours ago, 5x5 said:

Did you miss the part where the OP shared that she is in recovery from suffering from a severe eating disorder for nearly a decade?

No, I addressed it by suggesting she talk to a counselor or nutritionist if she's being triggered.

Sounds like the OP and her boyfriend are adapting the situation for the better, which is good.

Boundaries, people. What he eats is his business, and what she eats is her business. My last boyfriend rarely ate any kind of dessert - didn't stop me from enjoying reasonable splurges now and then. As long as they're staying off each other's plates and not criticizing their choices, it's all good.