Partner dieting, driving me crazy

[JulieDtd]

I'm in a good relationship with my partner. We used to hang out, eat whatever we want, and drink together.

However, recently, he has started watching his diet really closely. I mean like, portioning out his lean chicken breast by weight, portioning out 3 spoonfuls of rice, skipping breakfast every day, and lunch pretty regularly. He works out every day, and recently strained his back from over exercise. 

He insists that he's not on a diet, just eating healthier, and says that he wants to get a really lean body with 6 packs etc. 

The thing is, he already has a great body, and his fat count has to be low. He's really in shape. 

I used to have a really serious eating disorder that lasted nearly a decade. I'm in recovery, and watching him pick at tiny portions of food and wanting his body to be even better, it's been very unhealthy for me. I'd be eating what I think is an okay, healthy meal, then look over at his tiny plate and start feeling guilty. 

We stopped enjoying a chill bottle of wine together, except for taste occasions. We don't order in pizza for movie nights on weekends. I'm preparing my own food now instead of cooking for us because he's just pecking away at those sad portions. I've started to feel guilty about eating, wanting to diet too etc. This scares me. 

I didn't sign up to be with a health nut. 

I guess, to summarise, or as they say, tldr:

- Partner and I used to be chill with food, were healthy anyway

- Partner suddenly obsessed with dieting and over exercises

- I am upset because I miss the times where we could hang out and eat normally. 

- I had an eating disorder in the past and find his habits very bad for my mental health. 

 

Not sure what to do here, had a fight with him today about this. 

Edited July 16, 2020 by JulieDtd

[Realitysux]

5 minutes ago, JulieDtd said:

I'm in a good relationship with my partner. We used to hang out, eat whatever we want, and drink together.

However, recently, he has started watching his diet really closely. I mean like, portioning out his lean chicken breast by weight, portioning out 3 spoonfuls of rice, skipping breakfast every day, and lunch pretty regularly. He works out every day, and recently strained his back from over exercise. 

He insists that he's not on a diet, just eating healthier, and says that he wants to get a really lean body with 6 packs etc. 

The thing is, he already has a great body, and his fat count has to be low. He's really in shape. 

I used to have a really serious eating disorder that lasted nearly a decade. I'm in recovery, and watching him pick at tiny portions of food and wanting his body to be even better, it's been very unhealthy for me. I'd be eating what I think is an okay, healthy meal, then look over at his tiny plate and start feeling guilty. 

We stopped enjoying a chill bottle of wine together, except for taste occasions. We don't order in pizza for movie nights on weekends. I'm preparing my own food now instead of cooking for us because he's just pecking away at those sad portions. I've started to feel guilty about eating, wanting to diet too etc. This scares me. 

I didn't sign up to be with a health nut. 

I guess, to summarise, or as they say, tldr:

- Partner and I used to be chill with food, were healthy anyway

- Partner suddenly obsessed with dieting and over exercises

- I am upset because I miss the times where we could hang out and eat normally. 

- I had an eating disorder in the past and find his habits very bad for my mental health. 

 

Not sure what to do here, had a fight with him today about this. 

His diet isn't healthy. He should be eating breakfast. 

[Ami1uwant]

Have you told him about your past?  

 

Thus looks like a disorder of some sort brewing.

[JulieDtd]

I have told him about it, and while he is sympathetic, he seems to underestimate its influence on me even now. He also seems disgruntled, unhappy about not being able to work towards his own goals. 

I think I'm asking a lot from him, but at the same time I did not sign up to be with someone this weight conscious. I miss having someone to eat proper meals with, without this weight thing dangling over us. 

[introverted1]

Without knowing his actual calorie consumption, it's impossible to know whether his new diet is healthy or not. It could be that he is just interested in achieving a certain goal with regards to his own body. Particularly if he's not working, this may be a perfect time for him to work on this sort of goal.  Wanting a 6-pack is not inherently unhealthy.

I think that unless there is clear evidence that he is engaged in unhealthy behaviors, you should probably seek support for your own issues. If watching your partner diet triggers your past eating disorder, then perhaps this is a good time for you to address that. 

[Gaeta]

How long you've been together?

I am thinking he's doing it wrong and it won't last. No one, especially a normal size man, can survive on no-breakfast and 3 spoons of rice. 

Also, you should be able to enjoy life without observing what's in his plate. You want pizza on Saturday night well order yourself some, get rid of the guilt, you've battled an eating disorder I think you are stronger than you think. 

His desire for a very low fat index makes me think wants to get into body-building, all they eat is brown rice and chicken, but they are allowed to a cheat day. 

Life happens, my bf did not signed up to be with a woman that don't eat carbs but I've gained weight and I want to get rid of it. My bf does not want me to lose the weight that I gained, he loves and desires me the way I am..........but my happiness is based on how I view myself, not how he views me, so we still order pizza from time to time but I don't eat it, in the big picture what I eat is not important, what's important is that we have this meal moment together. You should emphasize on the moments, not the food. 

 

[d0nnivain]

His choices sound unhealthy -- too small & routinely skipping meals is unhealthy.  

When I was dieting a few years back with the idea of wearing a bikini on an upcoming trip to Hawaii for my birthday, my husband said I was pretty miserable to work with.  I also wouldn't let chips, cake etc. into our house & I rarely made his favorite, pasta.  It was no fun for him but he had secret stashes & his portions were double mine. 

If he wants to eat miniscule meals, you don't have to.  If you want a glass of wine, have one even if he's not indulging.  Order that pizza.  His choices don't bind you.  

[contel3]

The way I see it you need to find a way to work around this so it won't trigger your eating disorder. What he's doing doesn't sound healthy, but if you demand he eats more, he'll resent your for that. He's a grown man and can decide for himself. 

I would try to talk to him again and really insist on the fact you're scared your eating disorder will be triggered again. Maybe you can fix days where you eat together (and he allows himself to indulge a little bit more) and others where you eat separately (alone or with friends).

If you live togethe its a bit harder but you can still try and make sure you regularly have meals with people who eat normal portions.

[Happy Lemming]

In the end, its his body and he can eat what he wants.  If he gets sick, I assume he'll go to a doctor who will recommend changes.  He can choose to follow the doctor's advice or not.

You have "free will" and can eat what you wish.  Get yourself a small pizza and open one or two of those "Single-Serve" wine bottles.  You enjoy your life... your way.

My girlfriend doesn't follow her doctor's orders when it comes to diet, so I stopped trying.  I prepare what she likes and I'll enjoy her while I have her.  For me I'd rather the time we spend together to be happy and joyful and not fighting about food or food choices.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

What he's doing right now very likely won't last. It's not a sustainable, long-term plan for most people so I wouldn't stress it too much. He will probably start to relax his strict approach when he realizes he misses some of his old habits. Such drastic changes rarely stick. I would step back a bit and see what the next few weeks bring. You keep eating what you want. 

He might not go back to the way it was, to be clear. The days of eating and drinking with abandon might indeed be behind him. However, he may start taking a less rigid stance and allow himself some treats now and then. You will have to then ask yourself if you can be in a relationship with someone whose lifestyle is this different from yours. If you don't want to be with a health nut, you will need to re-evaluate if your long-term visions are too incompatible to continue. 

Just to clarify - is he trying to modify your diet as well? Giving you a hard time about what you eat or your physical activity? 

[poppyfields]

It sounds to me like you don't like his new lifestyle because it's no longer fun for you.

Your appear to be quite put out by it actually lamenting you "didn't sign up for this."

Do you love the man?  Or do you more love the lifestyle of having a man, drinking wine together, sharing a pizza, etc?

If you more love the lifestyle (your former lifestyle with him), then dump him and find another man who can provide that.

If you love the man, then you support whatever quirky inclinations strike his fancy at that time including eating habits, and order your own pizza and drink wine or whatever. 

Loving partnerships are about support and acceptance (among other things), and if you are unable to do that, best to find another guy.

 

 

Edited July 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[Fox Sake]

2 hours ago, JulieDtd said:

I'm in a good relationship with my partner. We used to hang out, eat whatever we want, and drink together.

However, recently, he has started watching his diet really closely. I mean like, portioning out his lean chicken breast by weight, portioning out 3 spoonfuls of rice, skipping breakfast every day, and lunch pretty regularly. He works out every day, and recently strained his back from over exercise. 

He insists that he's not on a diet, just eating healthier, and says that he wants to get a really lean body with 6 packs etc. 

The thing is, he already has a great body, and his fat count has to be low. He's really in shape. 

I used to have a really serious eating disorder that lasted nearly a decade. I'm in recovery, and watching him pick at tiny portions of food and wanting his body to be even better, it's been very unhealthy for me. I'd be eating what I think is an okay, healthy meal, then look over at his tiny plate and start feeling guilty. 

We stopped enjoying a chill bottle of wine together, except for taste occasions. We don't order in pizza for movie nights on weekends. I'm preparing my own food now instead of cooking for us because he's just pecking away at those sad portions. I've started to feel guilty about eating, wanting to diet too etc. This scares me. 

I didn't sign up to be with a health nut. 

I guess, to summarise, or as they say, tldr:

- Partner and I used to be chill with food, were healthy anyway

- Partner suddenly obsessed with dieting and over exercises

- I am upset because I miss the times where we could hang out and eat normally. 

- I had an eating disorder in the past and find his habits very bad for my mental health. 

 

Not sure what to do here, had a fight with him today about this. 

Okay , why is he skipping breakfast? 
I’ll give you the same advice I use to give my PT clients who were weight conscious or dieting. 
 

breakfast is THE MOST important meal of the day.  Whether you want to lose weight or gain weight. 
 

Tell him to eat a banana for breakfast every day. It’s called the “Assa Banana diet” 

What this will do is kick start his metabolism. If he doesn’t eat breakfast then anything he eats throughout day will make his body go into emergency mode and he will end up storing fat and then living off his reserves, get grumpy and lethargic. It’s a truly horrible cycle. My clients used to lose a stone a month mixed with exercise 3x a week and 2 hours of cardio every week. A healthy weight loss too, none of that dangerous dieting. 
 

I can go into much more detail with all this if you want me to. 
But as a guide, if he’s hell bent on dieting, his day should look like this - 

Breakfast - banana. Nothing else. Not milk not yoghurt not toast. Just a banana.  

Snack 11pm - sliced bell peppers , or an apple. You want to aim for high fibre. 

Lunch - Protein salad. This could be a chicken salad , tuna salad , things like that. 
 

Mid afternoon snacks - Fruit and nuts.  Not another banana tho. 
 

Dinner - Normal dinner! This can be anything from a roast to a pizza. You can eat the meals you make together. It makes no odds. Just portion control and don’t over eat. 
 

Bed time snack- just no. 
 

Very happy to go into more detail if you want it. I’m fully qualified to the highest degree here in the U.K. (REPS 3)  I have another career I do now because I hated the wanky stigma that was attached to being a personal trainer. 
 

I’m concerned for you partner right now. His dieting doesn’t sound healthy, mentally or physically. 

[Ruby Slippers]

There's a great expression I've heard in healthy eating circles: "Stay off my plate."

What he eats is his business, and what you eat is yours. 

Most people eat too many calories, definitely too many empty calories, and some degree of fasting can have numerous health benefits. I myself rarely breakfast, because when I do, I'm hungry all day, and when I don't, my appetite is at a better level. My mom is the same way. I do best when I'm only consuming calories between about 12-6, fasting the rest of the time. I recently had full blood work and other health tests, and I'm exceptionally healthy by every measure.

Have you considered trying to be understanding and supportive of your boyfriend's health and fitness goals? What he's doing is a lot healthier than what a lot of people do these days, overeating and underexercising. When you consume fewer calories, you give your digestive system a break, meaning your body can divert energy to the deeper cellular healing that it needs, which absolutely supports better long-term health.

You can eat and drink whatever you want, and just as you're supportive of his choices, he should be supportive of yours. If you want to go out and eat a decadent meal that he's not into, go with family or a friend. If you're feeling emotional about it, consider talking to a therapist or nutritionist.

My last boyfriend was definitely a health nut, and while sometimes I felt our diet together was a little boring/strict, in the big picture I saw it as a plus. He has a hot muscular trim bod, was far healthier and fitter than most men period, definitely most men his age, which was beneficial in many ways - overall energy, sex drive and performance, fun and adventure, sharp thinking, etc.

[Versacehottie]

Wow, this is a hard one. No perfect answer for this.  I would just say that his body is his body and you should be supportive of good health to the extent that you can.  

If it is triggering you, I would say maybe you should bolster your mental health with refresher therapy. Although you've conquered the issue overall, it would probably help to have a professional to work through it with you as new situations that impact your arise, like this one.   

I think trying to control what another around you does regarding food/health is problematic.  If the situation were different (or flipped where it was you trying to be healthy) and not tied to an eating disorder most people would side with the your boyfriend and his quest for health and that it's his body.  I still think that though understand the need for you to manage your feelings about it more than someone who's never had an eating disorder.  I hope you reach out for a little help. 

As far as not being the couple you signed up to be, I totally get that.  If you are able to separate the triggering ED stuff, I think eventually perhaps one day or one meal-date a week where you guys have the freedom to eat and enjoy as you've done in the past.

While I can understand that you've gone through a lot & still do, I think a person needs to be an individual in a relationship (probably why he is reluctant not to quit what is important to him) otherwise there is so much resentment and it's unbalanced.  Like a lot of ED families (or couples in this case), too often it all goes the way of the person with the disorder which is maybe unconsciously (and consciously of course) used as a tactic to get their way the majority if not all of the time.  The rest of the family or person rolls over because the disease is so strong, which doesn't help the dynamic.  

I think if you can't find a way to manage this together & be individuals who appreciate each other's position, probably best to break up.Good luck

Edited July 16, 2020 by Versacehottie

[schlumpy]

I'd like to reinforce EXpat's post.

Does he get enthusiastic about fads or hobbies or something new and then after two or three months slack off? If so, then I wouldn't worry. It's a challenge to him at first but once it becomes routine he will likely go back to his regular diet.

Lots of people do this.

The main thing here is to protect yourself since you have a prior condition that may relapse. Be on guard and if you must, don't eat with him.

If after two or three months he is still at it, then consider your alternatives.

[ShyViolet]

If you want to stay with him, then you're going to have to eat what you want, and let him eat what he wants.  If he wants to do this extreme diet, then it's his business.  If it's unhealthy or unsustainable then he will figure that out sooner or later, but he'll have to figure that out on his own.  Try to stop comparing what's on your plate to what's on his plate.  And if it's triggering mental health issues for you, then that's something you need to get help for outside of him.... consider going to therapy.  Or ultimately if you feel that this relationship is bad for your mental health and there's not enough good, then of course there's always ending it.

[smackie9]

I agree he hasn't a clue what he is doing and it's dangerous. The way he is eating/and skipping meals, depletes his muscle mass. It also messes up the metabolism. The body starts to preserve fat, and whatever food intake there is gets turned into more fat.

He is also working out incorrectly if he is injuring himself. What you can do is you both sign up together with a nutritionist/online program, and hire an expert at the gym for a few sessions to learn to workout properly and safely.

Best thing is to motivate each other, and enjoy new things, like cooking heart healthy meals, drink non alcoholic wine, go for bike rides....

If you want to order pizza go ahead...order him a salad and some chicken wings.

All ya have to do is meet in the middle somewhere and work at it together.

Edited July 16, 2020 by smackie9

[Redhead14]

The last time I observed someone who was healthy change their diet and start taking better care of themselves overall and didn't have a health issue, they were on the prowl . . .

[Andy_K]

I'm going to disagree with everyone saying skipping breakfast is bad. I've experimented quite heavily with intermittent fasting (16/8), and it definitely works. It is by far the most effective eating plan I've followed in terms of being able to lose fat whilst minimising muscle loss. It's not simply a case of fewer calories from one less meal either... using the same total calorie intake over a shorter period rather than spread out has been detectably more effective, for me at least. Others may respond differently.

If he wants a six pack, he's going to have to count calories and be 'on a diet', that's just the way it is. If you aren't genetically blessed, getting clearly visible abs is hard work! That said, he shouldn't be eating tiny portions. Even if he's cutting on something like 1500 calories (very low for a guy), spread over two meals a day with a ton of low calorie-density vegetables that's still a lot of food! If he's only eating chicken breast and rice he might want to considering padding that out a bit.

Plus, a cheat meal or two a week is perfectly fine as long as you don't go totally overboard with it.

[Ruby Slippers]

1 minute ago, Andy_K said:

I'm going to disagree with everyone saying skipping breakfast is bad. I've experimented quite heavily with intermittent fasting (16/8), and it definitely works. It is by far the most effective eating plan I've followed in terms of being able to lose fat whilst minimising muscle loss.

Same for me. Simply waiting until 12:00 noon to start eating burns fat with me making no other changes. When you put your body in that fasting mode, it starts burning fat reserves.

I see a lot of diet/nutrition misinformation in this thread. It's silly to try to prescribe dietary changes to some stranger on the internet's boyfriend. You don't know his body or how he's been eating for the weeks leading up to this. He may go overboard for a while, then adjust to something more reasonable. It's really no business of some strangers on the internet.

[Versacehottie]

Right, agree with you Ruby Slippers.  It does little good to debate the specifics of what he is doing diet-wise, right or wrong, when the core issue is the control over what he chooses to do is the problem as well as it triggering her ED.  More control of those around her, is not the answer.

[5x5]

On 7/16/2020 at 10:22 PM, JulieDtd said:

- I had an eating disorder in the past and find his habits very bad for my mental health.

As a parent of a near 17 year old who who suffers from anorexia, who is in hospital right now through one of her many admissions from when she was 15.

I implore you to protect yourself and do whatever you need to do to remove yourself from this situation if it can put your recovery at risk.

Edited July 17, 2020 by 5x5

[Maldives]

Omg I don't see the issue here let him be what's the big deal? 

[5x5]

30 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Omg I don't see the issue here let him be what's the big deal? 

Then it is pretty clear that you are not close to anyone who has been afflicted with an eating disorder or had one yourself and have no clue about what you are talking about.

Eating disorders are devastating, anorexia for example has the highest morbidity rate of any mental illness.

My wife, son and I take my daughters life one day at a time, and dread finding her dead or being told she is dead from organ failure, self harm gone wrong or suicide.

My daughter has already damaged her bones and organs, she has had lots of issues with her heart as well. Then there is the enormous pool of blood she left all over her bed, when she cut one of her arms open very recently.

This is life and death, It really is a big deal.

 

[5x5]

On 7/17/2020 at 12:10 AM, poppyfields said:

It sounds to me like you don't like his new lifestyle because it's no longer fun for you.

Your appear to be quite put out by it actually lamenting you "didn't sign up for this."

Do you love the man?  Or do you more love the lifestyle of having a man, drinking wine together, sharing a pizza, etc?

If you more love the lifestyle (your former lifestyle with him), then dump him and find another man who can provide that.

If you love the man, then you support whatever quirky inclinations strike his fancy at that time including eating habits, and order your own pizza and drink wine or whatever. 

Loving partnerships are about support and acceptance (among other things), and if you are unable to do that, best to find another guy.

 

 

Would you be this callous to someone, who shares with you the things they need to do to have a chance at surviving cancer?

Do you have the slightest clue what an eating disorder looks like or feels like?

Of which those who suffer from eating disorders don't do it to themselves, and don't wake up one morning thinking I want to have an eating disorder.

@JulieDtd is a survivor and needs to keep doing what she can to stay alive, she does matter and she does have value.

I also just want to say @JulieDtd I am glad you are in recovery and I wish you all the best going forward. And I concur with you that what you describe is scary and sounds is of considerable concern.