Extroverts and Introverts-- can it work?

[kenziejane]

What's your experience either as an introvert dating an extrovert, or an extrovert dating an introvert?

I'm pretty introverted. I love to be alone-- reading, writing, listening to music, just being. I get a social hangover if I have to be around people for too long or for too many days in a row. Don't get me wrong, I love to go out and I love to socialize. But it has to be in moderation. There are often times where I will have to go off by myself and recharge a little before rejoining the group.

Anyways, I just started dating this super amazing guy. And my god, he is the most extroverted person I've ever met. I think that's part of why I'm attracted to him-- he's easygoing, confident, can hold a conversation with anyone. He's shown me so many funny videos of him doing karaoke in crowded bars, or performing at open mic nights (which I can't relate to, because I hate being watched doing anything in front of people). 

And I can't keep track of his friends. He has SO many. And as someone with only about 3 friends I hang out with regularly (one being my roommate), I'm just astounded. But it makes sense, as he is so likeable. Every time we talk, he's doing something with friends. Every time we go to a bar in his city, everyone there knows him. Unlike me, who comes home after work and immediately takes my pants off and watches Netflix. 

We live in different cities, about two hours apart. And for anyone thinking it, the two hours apart is no big deal to us. He has family here, and I have family there, so we're back and forth a lot as it is. So the fact that he is super extroverted, while I'm insanely introverted, hasn't been an issue yet. But I wonder if it will be eventually as I just can't sustain that level of socializing. 

It has me anxious a little...but I haven't felt this connected to someone since I started dating again after my divorce. I'm just wondering if this realistically could work, considering we are such opposites. 

[d0nnivain]

I am the extrovert.  My husband is the introvert.  I had to get used to silences.  We also have an agreement that I won't get mad if he doesn't want to come to a party or event but I can still go without him.  If he attends, he doesn't stop me from dancing or participating but I don't try to drag him into the middle of the action.  He is "required" to dance one slow song with me.   

If you try to drag the life of the party guy into your quiet world, you will stifle him & he will resent you.   Similarly you won't ever be comfortable at his pace.  

Problem is  while it's cool for my husband (a guy) to stand at the bar while I'm whooping it up on the dancefloor with my girls, it's a bit different for your guy to leave you in the corner while he makes the rounds.  If you are OK with that & are secure enough to handle him talking to everybody while you hang back without accusing him of ignoring you, neglecting you or worse you falling into a jealous rage it may work.  In exchange he needs to be willing to give you some nights in dates that are more your speed.  

[Ami1uwant]

Intro vs extra is more complicated.

 

with many they are I/E depending on what it is...if it’s at their sales job or an area they have interest in they likrly have E traits vs an area they are unfamiliar with they have I traits.

also factoring in— some might not do things alone but would do as a couple. Ot because they are unfamiliar in a certain area they might not try and plan going to do this but if they person dating was they are willing to do just not the lead

[introverted1]

I'm an introvert (as if you couldn't tell, lol) and I've only dated one extreme extrovert and it.was.exhausting.  It was fine initially but the longer we dated, the more time he wanted, and it got to the point where there was no "me" time left - he called in the morning as I was driving to work, would show up for a surprise lunch date, and then call again as I drove home...  unless it was a night when I was supposed to go directly from work to his house.  It didn't help that he had retired young and had way more free time than I did to begin with.  We lasted about 3 months, at which point I realised that even though he said he wanted to give me the space I needed, he just couldn't do it --there was always a barbecue cook-off or reunion with old friends or party or something that he wanted to attend.  I needed time to recharge but he was miserable not having his gf at his side for all these important (to him) events.

In your case, maybe the distance will provide a natural limit in the amount of time you spend together.  Good luck!!

[rjc149]

Extroverted men tend to embody very attractive traits in a man -- they are confident, self-assured, charming, likable, socially-proofed, connected, and have high social status. They also tend to be dominant, assertive, take-charge types that people look to. The classic alpha males. When everyone's attention is on him, but his attention is on you, you feel tingly and special. So it's not a mystery why you're attracted to him right off the bat. 

But with time, I do think his need for people and social energy will wear on you. And eventually, your homebody ways will begin to frustrate him, especially when it comes to free time. Unless there is very clear communication and mutual understanding, it could be a challenging long-term prospect. The thing with extroverts is that since they are open books who have shallow connections with everyone, your connection with them can eventually feel shallow and cheap. That isn't a good feeling for introverts, who value deep bonding with a few people.   

You'd probably be more naturally compatible with an "ambivert" man -- an introvert who is confident and cranks up the volume in social settings. 

 

 

Edited July 15, 2020 by rjc149

[Fox Sake]

11 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Extroverted men tend to embody very attractive traits in a man -- they are confident, self-assured, charming, likable, socially-proofed, connected, and have high social status. They also tend to be dominant, assertive, take-charge types that people look to. The classic alpha males. When everyone's attention is on him, but his attention is on you, you feel tingly and special. So it's not a mystery why you're attracted to him right off the bat. 

But with time, I do think his need for people and social energy will wear on you. And eventually, your homebody ways will begin to frustrate him, especially when it comes to free time. Unless there is very clear communication and mutual understanding, it could be a challenging long-term prospect. The thing with extroverts is that since they are open books who have shallow connections with everyone, your connection with them can eventually feel shallow and cheap. That isn't a good feeling for introverts, who value deep bonding with a few people.   

You'd probably be more naturally compatible with an "ambivert" man -- an introvert who is confident and cranks up the volume in social settings. 

 

 

I didn’t even know ambivert was a thing. That sounds like me! I was gonna say I’m 50/50 but ambivert sounds like a better term of phrase 

[basil67]

@kenziejane  your style of introversion is me to a tee!   And I've been with an extrovert for nearly 30 years.  

It does take some compromise.  For instance, if there's an event on after Christmas, he's likely to go alone because I need to stay in and recover.  And he doesn't go out as late as he used to because I get tired. 

Adding kids into the mix was a great way to meet my own needs too.  A weekend away with his friends?  That's just hell.  So I say  "sorry honey, I can't find a sitter for the kids but you go and have a great time".  

[CaliforniaGirl]

I'm friendly but I'm an introvert - I can only take so much socializing, and I like being a bit apart from the crowd when I'm out. I believe an extrovert would drive me crazy.

[jspice]

Just reading all the stuff he does is exhausting. 
 

I’ve never gotten along well with men who are extroverts or those who seek attention.Their attention spans feel so short. 

[kenziejane]

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Extroverted men tend to embody very attractive traits in a man -- they are confident, self-assured, charming, likable, socially-proofed, connected, and have high social status. They also tend to be dominant, assertive, take-charge types that people look to. The classic alpha males. When everyone's attention is on him, but his attention is on you, you feel tingly and special. So it's not a mystery why you're attracted to him right off the bat. 

But with time, I do think his need for people and social energy will wear on you. And eventually, your homebody ways will begin to frustrate him, especially when it comes to free time. Unless there is very clear communication and mutual understanding, it could be a challenging long-term prospect. The thing with extroverts is that since they are open books who have shallow connections with everyone, your connection with them can eventually feel shallow and cheap. That isn't a good feeling for introverts, who value deep bonding with a few people.   

You'd probably be more naturally compatible with an "ambivert" man -- an introvert who is confident and cranks up the volume in social settings. 

 

 

This makes total sense. He is ALL of those things, and I'm insanely attracted to him. Although I do think I'd be better suited with someone more my speed...looking at my past relationships, I've always gravitated towards these kinds of people. Even in my friendships. I do think the distance is helpful for me right now, as we can't constantly be together and have to meticulously plan when we do see each other. I think I'm thinking way ahead. Like if this did work out and we moved to the same city, would I be able to keep up?

My ex and I used to get into outrageous fights because he couldn't understand why I didn't want to constantly go out with his friends every night. However, I was very candid with this man about how I'm an introvert and like my alone time. He seemed understanding, and said opposites attract. 

I have no idea if this thing has any potential for longevity, but considering this is the first time in a year that I've felt any potential with someone I think I'll ride it out for now. Worst case scenario, it doesn't work out but it was fun while it lasted. 

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

Very interesting question! I'm an introverted guy who, when I'm in the mood, can be mistaken for an extrovert. As with any type of personality, lifestyle, etc. kind of question - the real answer, though not easy, is "it depends". We are not solely who we are based on one single trait. Lots of introverts dates extroverts. I know plenty of happy and successful couples who love each other very deeply and have been together for a very long time but they know how to communicate, compromise, sacrifice, and value the relationship they have with each other more than anything. The question isn't just about "introversion" vs "extroversion" - but how things like work/life balance, # of friends, size of family, financial planning, location, love language, etc. play into the i vs e equation. For example, given your situation if he's that extroverted and you're that introverted but his financial habits, his choice of friends, his family's dynamic, etc. are all POSITIVE and he knows how to communicate, how to compromise, etc. then it could work. Let's say your primarily love language like mine is "quality time" but he keeps a jam packed schedule 7 days a week. If he's never available for quality time between the two of you, or isn't willing to lessen his social calendar in order to give you that time you want and need then it probably won't work out.  But it will only prove itself one way or the other through time. However, you can have deep conversations with him about it NOW to set the ground for an easier and smoother ride while it works itself out. I know I could not date someone a woman who's a social butterfly and needs to be out constantly and I couldn't date a complete introvert who never wants to leave the house or has no friends because I would find it eventually stifling as someone who, if 0 is introvert complete and 10 is extrovert complete and 5 is a true ambivert, I'm probably like a 3.5 to a 3.

[kenziejane]

1 hour ago, jspice said:

Just reading all the stuff he does is exhausting. 
 

I’ve never gotten along well with men who are extroverts or those who seek attention.Their attention spans feel so short. 

Right? He makes me feel tired when he tells me what he's up to every single night lol. 

He doesn't really come off as attention-seeking thus far...just someone who is extremely outgoing and friendly. We'll see what happens as I get to know him better. 

[kenziejane]

3 minutes ago, scooby-philly said:

Hey OP,

 

Very interesting question! I'm an introverted guy who, when I'm in the mood, can be mistaken for an extrovert. As with any type of personality, lifestyle, etc. kind of question - the real answer, though not easy, is "it depends". We are not solely who we are based on one single trait. Lots of introverts dates extroverts. I know plenty of happy and successful couples who love each other very deeply and have been together for a very long time but they know how to communicate, compromise, sacrifice, and value the relationship they have with each other more than anything. The question isn't just about "introversion" vs "extroversion" - but how things like work/life balance, # of friends, size of family, financial planning, location, love language, etc. play into the i vs e equation. For example, given your situation if he's that extroverted and you're that introverted but his financial habits, his choice of friends, his family's dynamic, etc. are all POSITIVE and he knows how to communicate, how to compromise, etc. then it could work. Let's say your primarily love language like mine is "quality time" but he keeps a jam packed schedule 7 days a week. If he's never available for quality time between the two of you, or isn't willing to lessen his social calendar in order to give you that time you want and need then it probably won't work out.  But it will only prove itself one way or the other through time. However, you can have deep conversations with him about it NOW to set the ground for an easier and smoother ride while it works itself out. I know I could not date someone a woman who's a social butterfly and needs to be out constantly and I couldn't date a complete introvert who never wants to leave the house or has no friends because I would find it eventually stifling as someone who, if 0 is introvert complete and 10 is extrovert complete and 5 is a true ambivert, I'm probably like a 3.5 to a 3.

Very true! There are a lot of factors involved. His schedule does seem jam packed, but since we started seeing each other he has driven the two hours to see me a handful of times. So that makes me feel a little hope. He's obviously willing to set aside great chunks of time to be with me, as well as drive some serious miles. So far, we've been very open and honest with each other. We'll see what happens!

[scooby-philly]

3 minutes ago, kenziejane said:

Very true! There are a lot of factors involved. His schedule does seem jam packed, but since we started seeing each other he has driven the two hours to see me a handful of times. So that makes me feel a little hope. He's obviously willing to set aside great chunks of time to be with me, as well as drive some serious miles. So far, we've been very open and honest with each other. We'll see what happens!

That sounds like a promising start! Keep us posted!

[lana-banana]

Hyper-introvert married to a hyper-extrovert here. It works great. We understand each other's boundaries and make concessions to each other's needs---for instance, I will always accompany him to parties and events, but I can always go home early when my batteries are drained. The key to making it work is over-communicating, to the point where it might seem a little silly, e.g. "I really need to go talk to someone right now, can we go out for a cup of coffee?" or "I'm over social interaction right now." You can always find room to compromise if you're willing to work together.

Edited July 16, 2020 by lana-banana

[snowboy91]

Extroverted guy here, although I've mistaken myself for an introvert for a decent chunk of my life - since I've realised social situations energise me rather than drain me. I do need my space every now and then, but it's mostly to calm down and process rather than to recharge.

Both the serious relationships I've been in have been with introverts - and it's not easy. My current partner is rarely comfortable at a gathering where there are more than 4 or 5 extra people, and is very uncomfortable when there's a party where she doesn't know anyone, while I always treat any situation as "the more the merrier" (up to the capacity of whatever house/venue I happen to be in). So at some point compromises have to be made - whether it be the introverted partner stays home while the other goes out, or we don't stay out too long, or she goes home early, or there is a reduction in the number of social events we go to. So you've constantly got to be thinking about what the other person may want or need, which depends on the day. Overall, it may be too exhausting, or it may be worth it - it also depends on what else you get out of the relationship.

That being said, putting two extroverts together may also have problems - minor differences of opinion may result in a clash. And two introverts may find it difficult to connect with each other. Each combination comes with it's own challenges.

[Ollie180]

I could your fella, literally biggest the extrovert going - always have been! 
 

My girlfriend is deffo a bit of an introvert, she’s shy with new people, I know she feels a bit awkward in a crowd and she’d rather stay out of the spotlight.

 

It just works! And literally before her all the girls I dated (seriously & casually) were quite extroverted.. I was always attracted to it, and I thought they’d understand me better.. but clearly not the case! I think for me.. she’s so calm, sometimes just being around her reminds me I need to take a breath! And I kinda like that I don’t have to share her with the whole world....kinda makes me feel special! I think I’m a better boyfriend for her too.. I’m used to girls that would explode at me, I think actually the fact she doesn’t makes me more considerate of her feelings/needs.

[Ami1uwant]

On 7/15/2020 at 7:35 PM, kenziejane said:

This makes total sense. He is ALL of those things, and I'm insanely attracted to him. Although I do think I'd be better suited with someone more my speed...looking at my past relationships, I've always gravitated towards these kinds of people. Even in my friendships. I do think the distance is helpful for me right now, as we can't constantly be together and have to meticulously plan when we do see each other. I think I'm thinking way ahead. Like if this did work out and we moved to the same city, would I be able to keep up?

My ex and I used to get into outrageous fights because he couldn't understand why I didn't want to constantly go out with his friends every night. However, I was very candid with this man about how I'm an introvert and like my alone time. He seemed understanding, and said opposites attract. 

I have no idea if this thing has any potential for longevity, but considering this is the first time in a year that I've felt any potential with someone I think I'll ride it out for now. Worst case scenario, it doesn't work out but it was fun while it lasted. 

 

You bought that crap?

[Gaeta]

People are rarely ALL extrovert or ALL introvert. My bf is highly extrovert and hyper-active and from time to time he needs to be by himself to recharge his batteries. I am somewhere in the middle so I have no problem to adjust. I let him do his thing, I do mine, we never impose on each other. When you are attracted toward your opposite you have to accept to let them be who they are AND accept your needs are different and to respect them as well. My bf is the type of guy to run to home-depot at 21h.....I love being with him but I respect my limits so I won't follow, he respects it's too late for me and don't nag. Live and let live. 

Edited July 17, 2020 by Gaeta

[Snow_Queen]

Most likely, both partners would have to be near the same level to make a relationship work long term. For example, someone who’s moderately extroverted could get along with a moderate introvert. Someone who’s a full-on extrovert can’t fully mesh with an extreme introvert.

I’m what you’d call a moderate introvert. There are times I enjoy going out and socializing or throwing a party in my home. Most of the time, I’m good with simple, quiet gatherings. I will always need alone time to recharge. My husband understands that. He can be bubbly when needed but very much enjoys alone time. We mesh very well in that aspect and he can do the talking whenever I feel drained from it.

In my personal experience, the men I dated who were highly extroverted (needing a lot of social interaction) eventually grew resentful of my need for occasional quiet time. They viewed it as there being something wrong with me since I didn’t need to socialize as often. It can be very difficult for these types of extroverts to understand introverted behavior. It just didn’t  click that anyone would WANT time alone.

Edited July 17, 2020 by Snow_Queen