Just be friends (or more complicated than that)

[Kush90]

Hi everyone,

Sorry, first post! Bit of a long one!

Just joined as I have recently started online "dating" after a breakup of many years, and have a girl that I can't get off my mind and a situation I'm trying to get my head around, and hoped some thoughts could be provided if possible :)

About 5 and a half weeks ago I super-liked a girl on an online app. (I understand that super liking can be frowned upon, but this girl really stood out both physically and personality wise to me. Also, for whatever reason I hadn't had many matches from the standard likes, so thought, what have I got to lose) Anyway, to my great surprise, she liked me too and started a convo that flowed like no other I'd had online. She was funny as well. We continued to chat away all weekend, and pretty much for 3/4 weeks straight as well.

The girl in question had also recently broken up with her boyfriend (spookily around the same date as my breakup!) and as things seemed to be progressing I tried to arrange a socially distanced meet up :) She was keen at first, and she had also asked me for my mobile number, so I thought she was interested. However, she later sent me a message as follows:

"If I'm totally honest I dont know how I'm feeling about getting involved with someone, and i dont want to lead you on because you're so nice and I'd be a massive dick if i did that. And if i have already I'm sorry, I dont want to keep you hanging just in case I do decide I want to get into something because that wouldnt be fair x"

I responded that we can take things slow as everything is all a bit weird at the moment, which she seemed happy with and we continued to text. Later that same day, she actually rang me out of the blue to have an actual chat, for the first time, and we spoke for over 2 hours, which was fun.

We continued to text for a few days and then she asked if we could speak again, which I was fine with, so we did, again for 2 hours and this time she suggested we meet up soon. I was a bit confused after her last thoughts about taking it slow, but perhaps she was getting more interested?

Another couple of days whizzed by and we then had a skype call for 30 minutes before I had to dash off for a Friday night pub quiz. Like all other times everything flowed just nicely. I sent her a message before bed saying how nice it was to see her for the first time. In the morning, she replied saying the same and that she could have talked to me all night :) I felt the same, I've never connected with a girl like this before!

We ended up meeting for a walk around my home city on the day after, and wandered around for a couple of hours. She was even nicer in person. I'll admit, we greeted each other with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and when we parted we did the same. The "date" was nice but i didn't want to assume anything and go for the kiss on the lips, as she had already indicated previously that she wasn't sure of what she wanted. During the date I jokingly mentioned that I was the "chosen one" after she mentioned another bloke she was trying to get rid of! After the date, I messaged her to say I can't wait to see her again and she replied with similar messages, and on the Sunday evening I got the following messages:

Her: You are the chosen one lol x Me: Huh? x Her: Nevermind x Me: What doooooo yooooou meannnn? x Her: Just some of the convo we had last night, just confirming haha x Me: Ooooohhhh haha. Why the lol then? It contradicts it surely? x Her: Dunno just felt a bit silly saying it. You're lovely x

These exchanges made me smile and it seemed this may be going somewhere. During the next week, I knew she'd be busy with work, study and her brother visiting so texting died down and we didn't arrange our next meeting. If I'm honest, this week was horrible as we had been messaging non-stop, so part of me thought (although she was busy) she might have changed her mind. But Sunday rolled around again and texting picked up again, and she asked if I wanted to do something on Thursday :) I agreed of course and looked up a nice restuarant which she seemed happy with and the date was set. Later that Sunday evening she asked if she could call again, and I agreed and we spoke til well after midnight with quite a bit of flirting too. All seemed ok still.

At this stage I'd like to point out that I'd definately made my interests clear throughout, with flirting and compliments here and there, but then on Tuesday I got the following message :( :

"Hiii, first of all I just want to apologise for how out of the blue this is, but I felt like I needed to say something. I've been thinking the last couple of days I've been flirting my little head off and given you the wrong impression. I’m sorry - you’re a really nice guy and I’m enjoying getting to know you as a person but, for me I don’t think it’ll be more than friends. I don’t want to hurt your feelings by saying so but I thought you’d rather know the truth than me make up some rubbish and lie. I didnt think it would be fair to go out on Thursday if you have certain expectations x"

Bombshell!!!! Wasn't expecting that at all :( To be honest I thought things were far from friends level, but responded as follows:

"Heeey! :) It's ok. I've really enjoyed getting to know you too and I didn't really have any expectations at this early stage. Flirting is fun, if anything more had come of it great, but if not, no drama. I appreciate you being honest though, even if I'm a little disappointed, I must admit :) x"

"Thank you for not kicking off :) you are so lovely and any girl would be so lucky, I know you'd treat her like a queen! X"

I responded again a couple of days later saying that us being friends wouldn't be fair on both of us as I was hoping for more than that, and things would end up difficult in that scenario. I said that if her thoughts change, she knows where to find me. We both ended the messages on a nice note.

Until now I hadn't pointed out a few things about her current circumstances...

1. She is living with her parents about 20 minutes from me. They moved down here when we started messaging
2. She's therefore not in her usual living arrangement (her own house 4 hours away). She plans to move done here at some point
3. Her father recently had a stroke
4. She's therefore helping her parents with stuff as the Dad is struggling
5. Her boyfriend disappeared and wasn't around when this happened to her father
6. She is doing crappy work (working from home) which has been forced upon her by the COVID situation
7. She is studying for an exam in early August

So, along with COVID she has a LOT on her plate! :(

So, finally my questions arrive (thanks if you're still here):

1. I'm wondering if she is too busy at the moment for a relationship? She mentioned that she didn't want to leave me just hanging if she wasn't ready.
2. Did she really just want to be friends? She said she "doesn't think" it will be more than friends. Am I just clutching at straws here?
3. Was the friend thing just used to keep me around until she's ready?
4. Was the way she reacted ("Thanks for not kicking off") maybe a test to see my reaction too?
5. Her final message started "Hello mister" That's often a flirty way, right? She signed off with a kiss emoji and two x's. It was always one prior to this.
6. Am I reading way too much into this???

Everything seemed to suggest she was keen, but I can understand that she's got loads on, so I wouldn't mind hanging around. The connection seems real and I have a lot on my plate trying to sell my (and my exs) house plus, COVID! So, I would've given her the space.

Anyway, she unfollowed us both on Insta, yet I can still see her Whatsapp picture so she hasn't deleted my contact details.

I'm wondering if I made the wrong move and should have been more of a friend to her and stuck around during these tough times.

Her final message: "I loved the idea of this being something more but I just dont think it would be. I dont know if it's my personal situation or what but this last couple of weeks I've just been less and less interested in sharing my time with someone else. It's a shame you dont feel like we can be friends because I feel we get on like a house on fire, but I understand if you feel more it wouldnt be fair."

I've been thinking about her all week. Your thoughts are appreciated.

Thanks

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, Kush90 said:

So, finally my questions arrive (thanks if you're still here):

1. I'm wondering if she is too busy at the moment for a relationship? She mentioned that she didn't want to leave me just hanging if she wasn't ready.
2. Did she really just want to be friends? She said she "doesn't think" it will be more than friends. Am I just clutching at straws here?
3. Was the friend thing just used to keep me around until she's ready?
4. Was the way she reacted ("Thanks for not kicking off") maybe a test to see my reaction too?
5. Her final message started "Hello mister" That's often a flirty way, right? She signed off with a kiss emoji and two x's. It was always one prior to this.
6. Am I reading way too much into this???

Yes, this. 

She isn't feeling it. She probably thinks you're a lovely guy, but not the one for her. She's trying to be nice by offering friends, but usually it isn't a genuine offer. It's a platitude meant to soften the blow of letting someone down. She isn't giving as much thought to those words as you are. 

Which leads me to the next point: her use of "mister" and an extra kiss emoji also doesn't have any deeper meaning, and she's not trying to test your reaction. She's relieved you didn't freak out out on her but again, no deeper meaning there. So yes, you're clutching at straws on that one. All she's trying to do is couch the  message with niceties to keep things civil. 

I know it's hard not to over-analyse when you were getting hopeful, but she has had doubts from the get-go and it seems she's decided she can't keep giving you the impression that it's going to lead somewhere.  I wouldn't waste any more time or emotional energy on this. It's done and dusted, but it leaves you free to keep looking for a girl who will reciprocate your interest. 

[Kush90]

Many thanks for the reply. 

We did have a lot in common so the friends thing I believe could be genuine. I part wondered if that's what she was maybe looking for from the beginning seeing as she's away from home (and friends) and perhaps lonely.

In terms of dating, I'm going to give it a break for a while anyway. I'm tired after this last month that seemed to be heading somewhere! Plus all that swiping is draining!

[Calmandfocused]

Kush, you’ve placed all your eggs in one basket with this lady and you’re not seeing the bigger picture. 
 

She’s giving you mixed messages because she wants your attention and validation after the breakdown of her relationship. It’s all about her and how good you make her feel. 
 

I hate to break it to you but she’s using you... to help her recover, get through her “difficult time” and help her feel better about herself. She is not going to date you. 
 

So why are you doing this to yourself? Because of the “connection”? You think that waiting around patiently and being nice to her will change her mind about you eventually? ........ it won’t happen. 
 

Start thinking about your own interests and what’s best for you. This means getting your head out the clouds and accepting this is not going to happen. 
 

Focus instead on finding someone who is not wanting to use you for their own personal gains and who likes you as much as you like them. In other words: move on from this one completely. 
 

Good luck Kush 

 

[Kush90]

Thanks again for the reply. 

Contact has been stopped. Was looking for a different perspective from what my friends think, so this is all very useful.

[ExpatInItaly]

37 minutes ago, Kush90 said:

We did have a lot in common so the friends thing I believe could be genuine. I part wondered if that's what she was maybe looking for from the beginning seeing as she's away from home (and friends) and perhaps lonely.

If she's un-followed you on social media, I don't think she was being genuine about remaining friends. 

As a woman, I can tell you that some of us have a very hard time being direct and saying "thanks, but no thanks" so we sometimes phrase the rejection as "I think we're better as friends." It rarely means we actually want to be friends. 

And would you really want to be her friend when you learn she's met another guy? That would sting too much. It's just not a good idea for you. 

 

[salparadise]

I had a very similar experience recently, except it wasn't from online. After a great start, then a few months of distance-dating due to COVID, I get the "friends" crap. I cut her off immediately and haven't spoken or texted in over 2 months. It's really the only way to keep your dignity and sanity.

Although I know this from a rational perspective, it's tempting to try and pursue it. And I sometimes wonder if she actually wanted me to woo and pursue and try to win her over. I'm sure it has been done many times before. But it's not fair to us to have this unequal, imbalanced relationship where you're giving it your all while being held at arm's length. In my case I think friends with benefits may have even been possible, but it almost pisses me off more to be used like a sex toy but with no real investment.

Basically what they're saying is, you don't make me wet enough, and/or I think I might be able to do better. In either case, they'll take all the attention and adoration you'll give for free. And of course they're going to be on the lookout for one that does flip their switch... at which point you're going to be hurt and humiliated and left in the dust.

So no matter how you connect the dots, it's best to cut it off clean and find someone who is as excited to be with you as you are them.  

Edited July 15, 2020 by salparadise

[Kush90]

I think the fact I said I didn't want to be friends made her unfollow on Instagram and is a fair reaction to what I had requested. It didn't bother me. 

She had been on Bumble Friends to make friends down here too as we had discussed that. So it doesn't seem out of the question that she'd actually see me as a friend.

But as I pointed out in my mega long post I wouldn't want that scenario of being a friend when she meets another guy. 

I just wondered with all the other variables going on in her life and the current variables going on in the world at the moment if there was still a chance in the future. 

I may have even got wrapped up in this all too easily seeing as a month currently seems like 3 months. It's all been a useful experience, whatever happens!

 

[Kush90]

6 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I had a very similar experience recently, except it wasn't from online.

Sorry to hear that. It sure is a bummer, right?

I fear you are all right as the responses show a consistency here! I don't intend to make contact first if I'm honest. Part of me wonders once she returns home / finishes her exam whether she reaches out, but if she doesn't it won't be a problem.

With her suggesting the 2nd meetup as well as always making the first move with the phonecalls is what confuses me the most. Admittedly, I hardly know her, so I have no idea what is going on in her head.

[smackie9]

Bombshell? I knew from the second I saw that she told you she didn't want to lead you on, this was over. She totally friend zoned you and has no interest to date you. You are her emotional pillow, a BF without benefits. That's why she will pull you in and push back....she's just using you for the attention. Time to move on.

[Kush90]

Haha! Like i said. A good learning experience

[ShyViolet]

When a girl tells you straight out that she's not interested in dating you and doesn't see you as more than a friend, you have no choice but to accept it.  There's no point in over-analyzing it or hanging onto hope that maybe she'll change her mind.  If you do that, you are wasting your time.  You need to move on.

[salparadise]

This is why we so often hear experienced men giving the advice to escalate quickly. Some women hate it (the advice) and call it PUA crap... but there are also many examples of women losing interest, respect or being confused because the guy didn't go for the kiss on the first date, etc., etc. You've got more to lose by being timid and not going for it than by moving too fast. They're expecting it and want it even, and if they sidestep you at first (give you the cheek or whatever) you establish that this is dating-dating, to include the physical aspect. If the chemistry is there and she likes you in that way, no problem. You've named the tune. No guarantee, but it sort of cuts the friendzone possibility out before it has time to gestate in her head. Her choices are a) continue dating and get physical, or b) take the next exit and don't fritter away a guy's time and good intentions.

Edited July 15, 2020 by salparadise