D11 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 My on and off boyfriend of 4yrs brother is getting married and I was no invited to the wedding, even though we are now in a better and healthier relationship. The reason he gave was that his brother did not feel comfortable with me at his wedding but later I found out that the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with years ago is invited to the wedding. I love him but I feel this is inappropriate and I am truly hurt. I dont know what to do he's in an uncomfortable position since he says he has no power on who his brother invites. Can someome please give me advise.
basil67 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 Your boyfriend is correct - he has no power when it comes to the guest list. When the brother says that he doesn't feel comfortable with you at the wedding, this translates to them not trusting that there won't be a scene between her and you. Or your boyfriend and you. Is there any history of them witnessing any poor behaviour from anyone involved in this? But let's say that he got you an invitation - could you easily be gracious and civil around the woman your boyfriend slept with? 3 2
kendahke Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 (edited) 50 minutes ago, D11 said: Can someome please give me advise. Take the "L" on this one. It's family--blood is thicker than water. If it was one of his friends, I'd say differently. Weddings (and funerals) bring out the worst in some people and perhaps because of your relationship's history of instability and the fact that this chick is going to be there, his brother and his bride don't want any unnecessary drama on their day. Which are you more mad about: that you weren't invited or that she was and you can't be there to stake your territory? Also, consider that this is the first salvo launched across your bow with regards to his brother and his wife and their social gatherings---you may have to get used to the fact that if this chick is a friend of theirs, you're not going to be invited to any get-togethers they may be hosting, which your boyfriend will be invited to and possibly this chick, too. Figure out if this is your hill to die on because it may be what ends your relationship with him for good. He may take a pass on a few invites, but I seriously doubt he's going to always turn them down, especially considering the tumultuous history of your relationship. It's saying something loud and clear that they invited her and not you when you're supposed to be his girlfriend. Edited July 14, 2020 by kendahke 5 1
basil67 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 Does his family welcome you to more casual events? 1 1
ShyViolet Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 Maybe you're not invited because he is your "on again, off again" boyfriend. I get the feeling there's been a lot of drama in this relationship. The bottom line is that it's HIS wedding and he gets to decide who to invite. You or your boyfriend don't have any control over that. So just accept it. 4 2
Author D11 Posted July 15, 2020 Author Posted July 15, 2020 7 minutes ago, basil67 said: Does his family welcome you to more casual They live in another city so I've only visited with him 1 time
Author D11 Posted July 15, 2020 Author Posted July 15, 2020 32 minutes ago, kendahke said: Take the "L" on this one. It's family--blood is thicker than water. If it was one of his friends, I'd say differently. Weddings (and funerals) bring out the worst in some people and perhaps because of your relationship's history of instability and the fact that this chick is going to be there, his brother and his bride don't want any unnecessary drama on their day. Which are you more mad about: that you weren't invited or that she was and you can't be there to stake your territory? Also, consider that this is the first salvo launched across your bow with regards to his brother and his wife and their social gatherings---you may have to get used to the fact that if this chick is a friend of theirs, you're not going to be invited to any get-togethers they may be hosting, which your boyfriend will be invited to and possibly this chick, too. Figure out if this is your hill to die on because it may be what ends your relationship with him for good. He may take a pass on a few invites, but I seriously doubt he's going to always turn them down, especially considering the tumultuous history of your relationship. It's saying something loud and clear that they invited her and not you when you're supposed to be his girlfriend. more hurt than mad that I wasn't invited. We where thinking of moving in together and now he cancelled that because of how I reacted when he told me. I bursted into tears and said I felt humilliated
Author D11 Posted July 15, 2020 Author Posted July 15, 2020 47 minutes ago, basil67 said: Your boyfriend is correct - he has no power when it comes to the guest list. When the brother says that he doesn't feel comfortable with you at the wedding, this translates to them not trusting that there won't be a scene between her and you. Or your boyfriend and you. Is there any history of them witnessing any poor behaviour from anyone involved in this? But let's say that he got you an invitation - could you easily be gracious and civil around the woman your boyfriend slept with? I'm not the type to make a scene in public so I would be ok if she's there.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 1 hour ago, D11 said: I found out that the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with years ago is invited to the wedding. I love him but I feel this is inappropriate and I am truly hurt. This doesn't sound good at all. What would I do? I'd take it as a bad sign. Four years in and you have this much division and pain? Doesn't sound promising, sorry. 1
basil67 Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 (edited) 27 minutes ago, D11 said: more hurt than mad that I wasn't invited. We where thinking of moving in together and now he cancelled that because of how I reacted when he told me. I bursted into tears and said I felt humilliated That he would cancel the idea of moving in together doesn't reflect that the relationship is healthy. This sounds very much like you are still in on again/off again territory. And this on/off is likely another reason they didn't invite you: they don't see the relationship as something solid enough to make you a +1 I'd be interested to know what your boyfriend says to them about your relationship. Edited July 15, 2020 by basil67 4 1
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 Your BF is lying to you. His brother doesn't give a flying fig about who your BF's date to the wedding is. The groom told his brother to do whatever he wanted & your BF wants to leave you home because the OW will be at the wedding. I would not move in with your BF & I'd re-evaluate the whole relationship If this was a buddy's wedding I'd tell you that budget sometimes limits the guest list but family, no. 1 1
ShyViolet Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 32 minutes ago, D11 said: more hurt than mad that I wasn't invited. We where thinking of moving in together and now he cancelled that because of how I reacted when he told me. I bursted into tears and said I felt humilliated You and your boyfriend were thinking about moving in together but now he cancelled that...... I think you should be more worried about the volatility and instability of this relationship with your boyfriend, and stop worrying about going to this wedding. 2 3
Ami1uwant Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 1 hour ago, D11 said: They live in another city so I've only visited with him 1 time How much does your brothers brother even know you if you met only once? doesnt your bf has the ability to invite a guest of his such as a gf?
Author D11 Posted July 15, 2020 Author Posted July 15, 2020 14 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: How much does your brothers brother even know you if you met only once? doesnt your bf has the ability to invite a guest of his such as a gf? They are very close so everytime we have a problem he asks him for advise. He should but he can invite anyone but me.
mark clemson Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 There are times in life when one has to insist on being shown respect and consideration for who you are and your place in another's life or get walked all over by others. Consider whether after 4 years this should be a wake-up call for you. How is it ok for your BF to accept you being treated this way? I'm not clear on backstory here, but it seems like a truly supportive BF should insist that either you come or he doesn't either IMO. It's hard to know, but I feel like if this were me, I'd be handing out ultimatums. Do you want to waste another 4 years, and another, being treated like this? Consider finding a better BF. 1 1
Versacehottie Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, ShyViolet said: You and your boyfriend were thinking about moving in together but now he cancelled that...... I think you should be more worried about the volatility and instability of this relationship with your boyfriend, and stop worrying about going to this wedding. 100% ^^^^ Also I would say that if part of the problem is that there is volatility between you and your boyfriend that obviously sounds like it has been occurring for years. Each and everything that comes across the path of you both is an opportunity to exhibit that volatility and drama are no longer part of the equation. So you can accept it like the new you and move forward to more important things or you can cause grief and drama. Even if you are just disappointed and sad, managing your emotions is probably one thing he is looking to see from you. This is in essence a chance to show some stability in your relationship so you should take the opportunity to do that. A future life with him will have more wrenches thrown your way (both) and both of you need to show some growth--the best way to do that is when they come up, not hope they never do or try to control the situation so that threatening events, which would not be threatening to a healthy couple, derail the progress. He can't control what his brother does. If there is a woman there that he previously dated, it doesn't mean anything will happen between the two of them. And if you don't trust him not to do anything in this scenario purely because you won't be there standing watch, he's not someone you should be remaining in a relationship with. Trust is at the core of all of this & your focus on the wedding, when as Shy Violet said the bigger issue should be that whatever drama surrounded this announcement has now jeopardized your moving in together. I would guess he's probably an equal or close to equal part of the problem, which doesn't mean you don't have to do the right thing. If he's an unsurmountable part of the problem or you don't trust him or he cheats on you, you need to break up with him not hang on for dear life. Good luck Edited July 15, 2020 by Versacehottie 1 1
basil67 Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 D11, if you're not the kind of person who makes a scene, it makes me wonder if you're not invited because your bf doesn't want you there. At any rate, you've got a whole lot more problems going on than the wedding. 5 1
Watercolors Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 4 hours ago, D11 said: My on and off boyfriend of 4yrs brother is getting married and I was no invited to the wedding, even though we are now in a better and healthier relationship. The reason he gave was that his brother did not feel comfortable with me at his wedding but later I found out that the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with years ago is invited to the wedding. I love him but I feel this is inappropriate and I am truly hurt. I dont know what to do he's in an uncomfortable position since he says he has no power on who his brother invites. Can someome please give me advise. How on and off have you been with your b/f of 4 years? Are you "on" or "off" with each other right now? What is the communication dynamic like between you two? Healthy? Dysfunctional? Do you turn everything into an argument? Does he? It's his brother's wedding so you have to just accept that if you're not wanted at his brother's wedding, there's no point arguing with your on-and-off again boyfriend about it. As Versacehottie pointed out, use this situation as the opportunity to respond in a calm, mature way about it. You can be sad and disappointed about not being invited, but it should not be a deal breaker considering your on-and-off again history with your boyfriend. Since neither of you seem committed to each other and take lots of breaks from each other, then I don't see why not being invited should be a huge issue for you. It shouldn't. And to blame your boyfriend for his brother's choice is immature, so don't do that. He has no control over his brother's decisions and neither do you. To think that you have some say in this, is misguided thinking. You don't have a say. You can respond that you are sad and disappointed, but anything beyond that will just make you seem insecure to your boyfriend. At the end of the day, it's his brother's wedding. You shouldn't treat it as a barometer of how healthy your relationship is with your on-and-off again boyfriend. Let it go. So what if your on-and-off again boyfriend's ex-girlfriend will be there. That's none of your business. It just isn't. If you use that as a manipulative tool against your boyfriend, "If you go to your brother's wedding without me, I won't trust you around your ex," then it shows your boyfriend that you are insecure and don't trust him. Do you trust him? Be the bigger person and don't overreact to unforeseen events. Just accept that you weren't invited to his brother's wedding and decide if this is a relationship you want to continue to be in or not be in. 1 1
Fox Sake Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 My brother didn’t want my other brothers girlfriend at his wedding either. (crazy watching your younger brother get married , meanwhile I’m still struggling to open a Capri-sun) He still brought her regardless, and it was a f***ing nightmare. She accused my brother of flirting with his cousin, was drunk, jealous, loud and flirted her ass off with some of my male cousins and then slapped my brother in face before being carted off to bed They aren’t together anymore. But there’s usually a reason people don’t invite their siblings on again and off again partners. For my brother getting married, it was because he didn’t like the girl and the way she treated him- thought my brother could do better. I can’t say what the reasons are for you. 2 1 1
Blind-Sided Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 11 hours ago, D11 said: My on and off boyfriend of 4yrs brother is getting married and I was no invited to the wedding, That's your answer right there. Weddings are for family and friends. if you have been "on and off"... they just don't want you around. don't be mad, and just accept it. 2
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 10 hours ago, D11 said: He should but he can invite anyone but me. You are fighting an uphill battle trying to keep your relationship. If your BF's family is trying so hard to break you up that he can take any date except you, they want you out of your BF's life. If he's so willing to roll over now, do you honestly think you are going to be welcomed into that family with open arms? By putting up with this treatment now you are either delaying the inevitable or you are setting yourself up for a life of misery when your presence in his life alienates him from his whole family. Read the writing on the walls -- everybody else thinks this on & off thing is better off permanently. 2 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 Your boyfriend has indicated to his family in some way, shape or form that he has serious doubts about you. The lack of a wedding invitation is a reflection of this. 1 1
Blind-Sided Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 40 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Your boyfriend has indicated to his family in some way, shape or form that he has serious doubts about you. The lack of a wedding invitation is a reflection of this. Yep... but it's very serious since it's not just a lack of invitation... it's a refusal. 1
stillafool Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 I would just let him go and not make a fuss. It will show that you are secure with yourself. Could be the Bride and your bf's ex are good friends and that is why she wanted her there. Whatever the reason they don't feel they know you so they didn't invite you. I'm sorry you're hurt but you should plan something fun with your friends on that day to take your mind off of it. 2 1
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