One sided friendship - am I justified or do I need to adjust expectations?

[Lovezen_30]

Been friends with a guy (always platonic) for 16 years. I am 27, he is 30. We have always been close but fallen out of contact at times.

About 5 years ago I felt he wasnt at all bothered about the friendship as he blew me off when we had arranged to meet. He apologised for being a rubbish friend and since then we usually arrange holidays with friends and partners every year. 

We now live in different countries (he lives with his gf and we get on fine) but still closeby. 6 months ago he asked to see me when visiting the country and I said of course. He said he was really looking forward to it. Last minute the night before he said he could no longer make it and made up an excuse. I was so disappointed as I knew how long it would be until we saw each other next.

Since then he blew off some messages and the last time I heard from him was late February before the pandemic. 

After nearly 5 months he has contacted me saying 'it has been so long! How are you?' and I'm annoyed. My first thought during the pandemic was to reach out to my close family and friends. I didnt hear a single thing from him until now. Am I wrong to feel hurt and fed up? I actually thought I was being ghosted.

 

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

It's weird that he would act this way after acting normal and being good friends with you for so long. There must be some explanation to it, the vast majority of people don't just starting behaving this way out of the blue. You are definitely NOT wrong to feel hurt or fed up, the way you describe it it's as if he only contacts you now when he has nothing better to do. Speaking for myself, I'm not a violent person but if someone behaves this way and then out of the blue contacts me MONTHS later just to ask how I'm doing, I would feel like bashing that person's head against the wall. I hate when someone conveniently and suddenly remembers I exist only when it suits them which seems to be the case with your friend. 

[Lovezen_30]

Hi, thanks for your reply. I thought he might have apologised for the very long pause in communication. He said 'I was thinking about you because I am finally reading the book you gave me' which is nice I suppose.

But I suppose I feel I have been downgraded or something. And I didn't get the memo. It is just made obvious with next to no contact. I certainly don't feel in any rush to reply. 

The main thing that is upsetting me is the fact that he didnt get in touch once during a worldwide pandemic. Two of my family members had covid and are now recovering. To me, it is a lack of care because really he doesnt know what has been going on with me or if I have been safe and well. I am hurt but can't see the good in raising it either.

[Lovezen_30]

It is like after 16 years of friendship he thinks it is a done deal and he doesn't really have to bother except when he feels like it now. I think you have to keep nurturing long closely held friendships.

[TheEternalPessimist]

If he thinks it's a done deal he should say it and explain why. Hints are lame and only make things worse in the long run. Of course friendships need nurturing, a lot of people seem to take them and their friend for granted. 

[Lovezen_30]

By a done deal I mean he thinks he has the friendship forever be default and can just tend to it whenever he feels like it.

Everyone has their own lives to lead. But I don't think there is any excuse to not keep in touch more often. We all have to do little things to keep a friendship alive. But I find it awkward because you can't explain that to a grown adult.

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

Friendships are not plants to be tended to simply whenever one feels like it, that's what a lot of people seem to not understand.

The thing about your situation that's complicated and frustrating (as is generally the case with similar situations) is that, as you said, you can't explain that to a grown adult. Also, once you do explain how you feel, chances are he will only start doing what you want him to do because you called him out on it rather than because he genuinely realized his behavior was uncalled for and unacceptable. 

Having your own life to lead is of course a good point but a cheap excuse. I work up to 45 hours a week and sometimes do night shifts yet I still manage to keep in touch with the people I care about. I doubt I'm the only one.