Caguy1983 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 So I started seeing this girl about a month ago. We’ve been out about 5 times. Just for background, her ex broke up with her about 3 months ago and they were together for about 9 months. She said the breakup was tough for her but she’s ok now and in a much better place. This past Saturday night we were out to dinner and she was showing me pics of something on her phone when a text popped up on her phone and it was from a guy’s name (I didn’t know her ex’s name), I was able to see the first line of the text which started off with “I’m very sorry..” and she swiped the text away so I couldn’t see the rest of it, I noticed her mood changed a bit but after a few minutes she was back to her normal self. The rest of the date went great as usual. Anyway when I got home I had this nagging feeling that it was her ex who had texted her so the next day when we spoke I asked her if she still talks to her ex. She said she doesn’t, and then went on to say she hasn’t spoken to him since the breakup but that he indeed texted her an apology the other night when she was showing me the pics. She said she did not reply to him and nor will she. I asked her if he’s attempted to reach out to her before and she said no but they are still friends on social media and he’s liked a few of her posts but that’s it. So here’s my worry, is this guy trying to work his way back in? Like I said I didn’t see the whole text he sent her, but it was about a paragraph long so it had to be more than just am “I’m sorry”. I feel like I can’t ask her too many questions since we’re not official yet or anything. The thing is I don’t want to get involved with someone who’s still hung up on their ex, especially if that ex is trying to get back with them. I do believe her when she says she didn’t reply to him and that she hasn’t communicated with him since the breakup and that was the first text he sent her. She seems like a pretty honest girl. However if this guy texts or contacts her again and she still has feelings for him she may give in. So this is my dilemma and I’m not sure how to proceed?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 I'd be careful and take it slow. At this point, you have no way of knowing if she might give him another chance. Don't invest too much and see how things go. 1
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 They are still friends on social media, he can still contact her, she hasn't blocked him or deleted his number......she hasn't moved on yet. 3 2
Author Caguy1983 Posted July 14, 2020 Author Posted July 14, 2020 7 minutes ago, smackie9 said: They are still friends on social media, he can still contact her, she hasn't blocked him or deleted his number......she hasn't moved on yet. Honestly I have some of my exes in my contacts and I have not blocked them, I don’t think that’s necessarily an indication of not being over someone. It just never occurred to me to do so. The social media thing is a bit bothersome but I know plenty of people who still have exes from years ago on their social media and it doesn’t mean anything. 4
Ruby Slippers Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 I agree - not everyone practices "no contact," and that doesn't mean they're leaving the door open. In my experience, it's mainly something people who read a lot on the internet do 3
Fox Sake Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 If you want this to go anywhere then you take her at her word, unless she proves otherwise. Go slow. She told you she had no intention of speaking to him so you should believe her for now. I have exes on my social media too. 3
d0nnivain Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 Although my preference would be to disconnect on social media the failure to take that step is not conclusive that she wants him back. Some people think it's rude to unfriend an EX & people like high friend / follower counts. Him contacting her isn't the issue. Her contacting him would be a problem. Sit back & observe. Her intentions will become crystal clear as time passes. Meanwhile guard your heart 3
Realitysux Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 54 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Although my preference would be to disconnect on social media the failure to take that step is not conclusive that she wants him back. Some people think it's rude to unfriend an EX & people like high friend / follower counts. Him contacting her isn't the issue. Her contacting him would be a problem. Sit back & observe. Her intentions will become crystal clear as time passes. Meanwhile guard your heart Becoming one of my favorite posters but I don't need to block to move on
ShyViolet Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 I think you're reading too much into this. You've only been seeing this girl a month, you're not official yet, so it's a bit much to worry about who else is texting her. Just because her ex texted her once, that doesn't mean anything. Like you said yourself, not everyone blocks their exes and stops contact with them forever. 1 1
Author Caguy1983 Posted July 15, 2020 Author Posted July 15, 2020 2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: I think you're reading too much into this. You've only been seeing this girl a month, you're not official yet, so it's a bit much to worry about who else is texting her. Just because her ex texted her once, that doesn't mean anything. Like you said yourself, not everyone blocks their exes and stops contact with them forever. Agreed, but a text out of the blue after 3 months of silence seems a bit suspect to me, especially one as lengthy as the one he sent.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 27 minutes ago, Caguy1983 said: Agreed, but a text out of the blue after 3 months of silence seems a bit suspect to me, especially one as lengthy as the one he sent. She has no control over that. I've gotten similar messages (usually emails) weeks, months, or even years after breakups. Last Christmas I got a long email from an ex just pouring his heart out, asking if there was any chance for another try. I told my boyfriend at the time about it, as we were very open about that kind of thing, even discussed with him that I was going to reply just to make it clear I was seeing someone else and had moved on. I would be a little concerned that it's only been 3 months since a 9-month relationship. I'd feel better if it had been 4 or 5 months. All you can do is proceed with caution. If she has any intention of getting back with him, you should know pretty soon. 1
Author Caguy1983 Posted July 15, 2020 Author Posted July 15, 2020 46 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: She has no control over that. I've gotten similar messages (usually emails) weeks, months, or even years after breakups. Last Christmas I got a long email from an ex just pouring his heart out, asking if there was any chance for another try. I told my boyfriend at the time about it, as we were very open about that kind of thing, even discussed with him that I was going to reply just to make it clear I was seeing someone else and had moved on. I would be a little concerned that it's only been 3 months since a 9-month relationship. I'd feel better if it had been 4 or 5 months. All you can do is proceed with caution. If she has any intention of getting back with him, you should know pretty soon. I agree, I’m not faulting her for getting that text, but at the same time I feel I have to be cautious. She didn’t say he was trying to get back together (and I have a feeling she would’ve told me if he has said it), she just said he was apologizing for the way he acted or something but there had to be more he said since it seemed like a lengthy text. But if I’m being honest, in my experience when an ex reaches out with an apology or whatever after months there’s usually more at play. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 So many good comments. Listen I totally understand your position OP. The best solution is to move forward slowly and with some caution. Letting fear enter your mind, no that is the worst idea. You have to find some way to put it to the side. The best thing you can do is progress the relationship in the ideal way that you would have been if you never knew this info so that you are your most confident, best self. That gives you the best chance that you will have a choice in this & that she would be choosing you--if that is even entering her mind. If you start acting fearful and scared, what good does that do? It will just drive her away, maybe mess things up. Just because they have history does not mean she wants him back or that he has an advantage over you. (it could but that's not a for sure thing). I would say at only 9 months, sounds like she walked away & no contact for 3 months or so that it sounds like she is more moving on than someone else you could be dating. Most people have exes, most exes contact at some point or another; not everyone blocks or unfollows their ex. The only significant difference is that you happened to see it. You've got someone you trust and know to be honest, I'd say you are in as good shape as possible in this situation. There is nothing to do as far as he is concerned. Same as normal, just proceed with a little caution just because you should do that regardless. Good luck
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 2 hours ago, Caguy1983 said: Agreed, but a text out of the blue after 3 months of silence seems a bit suspect to me, especially one as lengthy as the one he sent. Yeah, but to me the length seems more like it WOULD be that first/only contact after the breakup. I've only gotten novel-length messages when it was "I always meant to say how sorry I was, blah blah." If it were an ongoing correspondence I would think it would be quick little blurbs. 1
Author Caguy1983 Posted July 15, 2020 Author Posted July 15, 2020 4 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Yeah, but to me the length seems more like it WOULD be that first/only contact after the breakup. I've only gotten novel-length messages when it was "I always meant to say how sorry I was, blah blah." If it were an ongoing correspondence I would think it would be quick little blurbs. That’s a good point, I never looked at it that way. Yea maybe it was a long text because it was more of a statement rather than an opening for further communication. I guess I just don’t see the point in reaching out to an ex months later unless you want something to come of it, at least that’s how I feel. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 He probably does want something to come of it, but that doesn't mean she does. Personally, once I move on to dating someone else, that's it, the door is closed. Women typically leave, men think about where they went wrong and want a chance to redeem themselves. But if he was right for her, she wouldn't have left and moved on to dating you. Give things between you a chance. 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 15 minutes ago, Caguy1983 said: That’s a good point, I never looked at it that way. Yea maybe it was a long text because it was more of a statement rather than an opening for further communication. I guess I just don’t see the point in reaching out to an ex months later unless you want something to come of it, at least that’s how I feel. I don't either but I've had it so many times including when I was the one doing the breaking up. I think after a few months the person starts reminiscing and just wants to reach out, TBH.
Author Caguy1983 Posted July 15, 2020 Author Posted July 15, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: He probably does want something to come of it, but that doesn't mean she does. Personally, once I move on to dating someone else, that's it, the door is closed. Women typically leave, men think about where they went wrong and want a chance to redeem themselves. But if he was right for her, she wouldn't have left and moved on to dating you. Give things between you a chance. Well she said he broke up with her. So technically he left her (I don’t know the details of why he broke up with her). Edited July 15, 2020 by Caguy1983 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 Ok. That's only happened to me once. In that case, I was even more done than in other cases.
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 8 minutes ago, Caguy1983 said: Well she said he broke up with her. So technically he left her (I don’t know the details of why he broke up with her). Okay...just one for instance. This doesn't "have" to be it, it's just an example. Guy thinks the grass is greener in somebody else's pants so he breaks up with girl. After a while the exciting new girl kicks him to the curb. Guy's lawn is dry. He remembers that girl who loved him so...why oh why did he dump her... He calls girl, sure she'll take him back. She tells him to get the hell of her lawn. The genders of course can be reversed, but you get the idea... This is just ONE possibility and the reality is...you can't know. But you do know SHE didn't make that contact. And you also know that now...she's with you. Try to stop thinking about it and just enjoy what you two have brewing. ❤
deepthinking Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 (edited) If you both want to build a relationship, then you both do not need the invisible-man chiming in. If you and her are not yet on the same page with boundaries now... when will you both be? Edited July 15, 2020 by deepthinking 1
smackie9 Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, Caguy1983 said: Honestly I have some of my exes in my contacts and I have not blocked them, I don’t think that’s necessarily an indication of not being over someone. It just never occurred to me to do so. The social media thing is a bit bothersome but I know plenty of people who still have exes from years ago on their social media and it doesn’t mean anything. Apples to oranges. This breakup wasn't from years ago, it was 3 months ago. She said it was a difficult breakup. I'm sure if anyone had a difficult breakup they sure as hell wouldn't have there ex on their social media unless there was strong emotional attachment. Ever hear of rebounds? Edited July 15, 2020 by smackie9 1
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 There are reasons to be cautious here & you are right to guard your heart but for right now you don't have to jump to the worst case scenario conclusion. Let this play out a bit more. If that is too much for you, go ahead & break up. You don't need a concrete reason or proof beyond a reasonable doubt to end a fledgling relationship that isn't working for you. If you feel uncomfortable, walk. People go wrong when they don't trust their own good instincts.
Author Caguy1983 Posted July 15, 2020 Author Posted July 15, 2020 29 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: There are reasons to be cautious here & you are right to guard your heart but for right now you don't have to jump to the worst case scenario conclusion. Let this play out a bit more. If that is too much for you, go ahead & break up. You don't need a concrete reason or proof beyond a reasonable doubt to end a fledgling relationship that isn't working for you. If you feel uncomfortable, walk. People go wrong when they don't trust their own good instincts. I think I might just ask her if she still has feelings for him. 1
Author Caguy1983 Posted July 15, 2020 Author Posted July 15, 2020 39 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Apples to oranges. This breakup wasn't from years ago, it was 3 months ago. She said it was a difficult breakup. I'm sure if anyone had a difficult breakup they sure as hell wouldn't have there ex on their social media unless there was strong emotional attachment. Ever hear of rebounds? Yea I’ve said before I do find the social media thing a bit bothersome.
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