I'm seeing two men right now and attracted to them in different ways.

[healing light]

I don't think his behavior was selfish. He has a condition that he is probably incredibly self-conscious about; my guess is that he had to like you a LOT in order to ask you out knowing this. Yes, he could have definitely communicated better, but I don't think this was about you at all (in terms of it being an insult). This probably has stressed him out for years and he likely has a lot of mental fears and stories around it that may play into why it hasn't been addressed before now, especially because it involves his genitals. He likely wants to build a connection before disclosing such private information and hopefully in the future it will happen before sex so the partner could brace themselves, but I'm sure it's a delicate dance in his head, especially if he has any kind of avoidant tendencies.

Now, that doesn't mean that you have to stick around and work it out with him. But I don't think there was active malice or deceptiveness on his part. I bet he backed out on your potential intimate night together due to anxiety and freaking himself out around the issue, not wanting to be rejected for the one thing that a lot of men tie their masculinity and sense of identity into. 

Another thing to consider is that almost all elective procedures (and even some needed surgeries) are not occurring right now with covid19. I'm not sure where you're located, but mid-March is when everything started to shut down where I'm at--so even if this man wanted to address it right now, in my mind there is very little chance that any surgery would have been scheduled and taken place even if he was proactive about treating it since he started dating you.

So, while I'm sure this was frustrating for you, your only real job was to determine if this was going to work for you or not. It's okay to bounce if you know you don't want to or can't deal with it for whatever reason. But I wouldn't read into it and assign all these negative attributes to him and his intentions over an issue that would psyche a lot of people out, probably him most of all. You're just not compatible. He sounds like he needs an understanding partner that will help him muster up the courage to address this and be patient in the meantime while there are probably no guarantees of improvement. A lot of people won't be invested enough this early on or may not have the type of personality to want to do this for him or overlook it. 

 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

Just now, Ruby Slippers said:

It's not shallow to want a functional sexual relationship with your romantic partner. If he's not willing to have surgery to improve his condition, and he wants to be with a woman who still has a sex drive, he's going to have to get creative with alternative ideas - toys, oral, etc. 

I have no experience with anything like this, but from my limited experience with men with ED issues and things I've read, it seems that most men have major issues around any kind of sexual malfunctioning - denial, avoidance, guilt, blame, just a whole bunch of heavy, burdensome stuff that naturally no woman wants to deal with. It's totally natural for you to be repelled by all that.

As for the other guy, though you were teenagers when it happened, it does strike me as concerning that your only sexual encounter with him was him cheating on his girlfriend with you. Character doesn't change much throughout life, from what I've seen. And I agree you seem fixated on all his "toys." It sounds like you just want to have some fun with him, which is your prerogative. 

I definitely agree with the bold parts. The point is, she is asking for advice on here. I could be like everyone else and take her side and bag on the dude for not caring enough for her to get his pee pee cut up, etc. I just saw some concerning behavior from the OP and I thought I would try to offer another opinion, in case the OP wants to take a step back and think about her dating life and the choices she makes. I am not a perfect human, but I'm not the one who started a thread looking for advice about disappointment in my partners genitals.... 

[amaysngrace]

@RubySlippers

Yes I equate him to fun.  I’m not going to hold it against him that he had raging teenage hormones that were in pace with my own.  

He has good character.  Women walk all over him because he’s too trusting and too kind.  He was married for over 15 years and he never cheated on her once.  She robbed him blind and when he realized it he filed for divorce.  She was really mean to him, he’s told me some of the things she’s said.  

Currently she won’t sign off on the deed to one of his properties that he was awarded in the divorce that he’s since paid off.  If anyone should have been cheated on it would be her yet he still never did.   

Edited July 14, 2020 by amaysngrace

[Ruby Slippers]

11 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

I could be like everyone else and take her side and bag on the dude...

I didn't bag on anyone. And I didn't read every word in the thread, wasn't criticizing you in any way, mostly focused on the OP's posts and offered my response to what she said.

[amaysngrace]

10 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

 I am not a perfect human, but I'm not the one who started a thread looking for advice about disappointment in my partners genitals.... 

Neither am I and neither did I.  These posts of mine were snipped from the woman not wanting attachment thread and were thrown into here as a thread all its own by moderators if you must know which I didn’t ask them to do. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm trusting and kind, but men don't walk all over me because I'm not a doormat.

Be careful when considering dramatic complaints about exes. First of all, if he's over it and healed, he doesn't need to do that. Second, it takes two to tango. Third, if things don't work out, he might do the same kind of complaining to the next woman about you.

[Ruby Slippers]

8 minutes ago, amaysngrace said:

Neither am I and neither did I.  These posts of mine were snipped from the woman not wanting attachment thread and were thrown into here as a thread all its own by moderators if you must know which I didn’t ask them to do. 

This happens to me sometimes. It's always on a subject I never would have wanted to start a whole thread about 

[poppyfields]

On 7/12/2020 at 7:34 AM, amaysngrace said:

What is this 7 year thing you keep saying?  I didn’t even know him 7 years ago.  

Reality's situation was 7 years (still ongoing) and she is projecting her situation on to you.

[Backinthesaddleagain]

18 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I didn't bag on anyone. And I didn't read every word in the thread, wasn't criticizing you in any way, mostly focused on the OP's posts and offered my response to what she said.

I didn't mean you specifically by that comment.

17 minutes ago, amaysngrace said:

Neither am I and neither did I.  These posts of mine were snipped from the woman not wanting attachment thread and were thrown into here as a thread all its own by moderators if you must know which I didn’t ask them to do. 

Ok. I try to help people by giving advice on here like everyone else. I am not a counselor, just a middle aged man who has been through and seen a lot. If you don't like what I said, ignore it. If it causes you to stop and think about things and helps you reflect and change your outlook for the better, then that is all that really matters. Or, just keep on doing what you are doing and date guys that are fun and have lots of things! (and hopefully straight weiners)  

9 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'm trusting and kind, but men don't walk all over me because I'm not a doormat.

Be careful when considering dramatic complaints about exes. First of all, if he's over it and healed, he doesn't need to do that. Second, it takes two to tango. Third, if things don't work out, he might do the same kind of complaining to the next woman about you.

Agree. Bad talking an ex is a huge red flag. It shows lack of maturity, and leftover unresolved feelings for them. 

[amaysngrace]

3 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

Bad talking an ex is a huge red flag. It shows lack of maturity, and leftover unresolved feelings for them. 

His deed just came through because he only just recently paid off the property, I think it was either in May or in June.  

His lawyer called her yesterday to come sign the deed to which she said no.  It’s not so much badmouthing the ex as it is answering “how was your day today?”

Geesh.  

[Realitysux]

Just now, amaysngrace said:

His deed just came through because he only just recently paid off the property, I think it was either in May or in June.  

His lawyer called her yesterday to come sign the deed to which she said no.  It’s not so much badmouthing the ex as it is answering “how was your day today?”

Geesh.  

It strikes me as immaturity too since you are so excited about a man then you don't like the man then you like him again but he's deformed and you like another man too. I can't pick up feelings that easily. I just don't understand you and can only speak from my experience @poppyfields

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, but you did say women walk all over him, she robbed him blind, and she was really mean to him. You're taking his side and you're both making her out to be the villain. I've done exactly what you're doing when I was in the honeymoon stage and wanted to be in my guy's corner. In retrospect, it's so easy to see how naive I was being. The truth is probably more like they both played their part and he needs to get over it and stop painting his ex as the villain to future dates. She shouldn't even have a real presence in your conversations or your mind. It shouldn't be about her whatsoever.

[amaysngrace]

19 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

 She shouldn't even have a real presence in your conversations or your mind. It shouldn't be about her whatsoever.

I was just using her to defend his character, saying this one would probably deserve to be cheated on for the way she did him wrong and gave an example of yesterday’s fiasco with her for context.  

But when you allow people to mistreat you any mistreatment by then can trigger bad feelings, even if you’ve been divorced from them for five years or more so I get what you’re saying. 

[amaysngrace]

And the one from work just texted me to see how I am and let me know he’s thinking of me.  It’s the first I heard from him since we called it quits.  

I don’t even know if I should say anything back or what. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 7/12/2020 at 7:18 AM, Realitysux said:

You play games like I'm an idiot and that's fine and I don't care. The damage happened for 7 years so it's done now. You played to close to the end. Sorry you missed out 

What is happening here????

[Realitysux]

Private messaged you

Edited July 15, 2020 by Realitysux

[amaysngrace]

So I woke up this morning to a barrage of texts from him, saying we’re meant for each other, he loves me, he’s sorry we couldn’t do more things together, he’d take a blue pill (would that even help??) that he wants to spend his birthday together next week, says he’s bothered at work and people keep asking if he’s okay, and he sent me a song saying it reminds him of me.  

I can’t answer all that.  I wouldn’t even know where to begin. 

[Realitysux]

49 minutes ago, amaysngrace said:

So I woke up this morning to a barrage of texts from him, saying we’re meant for each other, he loves me, he’s sorry we couldn’t do more things together, he’d take a blue pill (would that even help??) that he wants to spend his birthday together next week, says he’s bothered at work and people keep asking if he’s okay, and he sent me a song saying it reminds him of me.  

I can’t answer all that.  I wouldn’t even know where to begin. 

A blue pill? In my experience, you steer clear of the blue ones. 

And how are you meant for this man when you didn't even like him, had nothing nice to say about him, and went out with another man who at the time you liked better. You seem like you like attention from men more then anything and don't even deserve the amazing man when you find him unless you change your mind set about dating. 

 

What's so special about you?

And why is he using text to say those things? 

Edited July 15, 2020 by Realitysux

[SumGuy]

On 7/13/2020 at 11:05 PM, amaysngrace said:

thank you @CaliforniaGirl

i thought it was pretty awful of him too but it kind of sucks because I don’t want a relationship with him if we can’t sex but really it’s more to it than that.  he’s boring, he’s okay I guess but he works a TON and he dies the same thing all the time, everything I said i wanted to do with him he turned down because his shoulder would hurt or he doesn’t like water or he never tried something before so doesn’t know how, he wasn’t willing to do anything with me that I wanted to do except he said he would try archery over at the gun range but that took major coercing in my part so it’s not just a sex thing it was everything....

That would be a deal breaker for me right there, at least for any kind of relationship.

 ...plus he’s a chauvinist which my friend jen calls a misogynist. still not sure if that’s correct but he would interrupt me when I was speaking, crap like that.

Chauvinist vs Misogynist, a fine line and it may be a distinction without much difference...pretty sure most misogynists think they are at worst chauvinists.

[BaileyB]

On 7/11/2020 at 11:30 AM, amaysngrace said:

He should of just got it fixed if I meant that much to him, right?

 

Well, clearly it’s not a problem for him based on what you’ve shared. You have different expectations/needs for your relationship. You are incompatible. 

[dangerous]

Wow, I can't believe most of this thread!... The poor guy has a medical condition that is most likely painful physically and certainly emotionally. We have no idea how he feels, or what investigations or medical tests and procedures he has endured, and the OP says HE is selfish?

Its all about her, but wait, its all ok, because BF#2 has a Harley and a V8!

I think perhaps the OP will get what she deserves soon enough. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I have the same problem, I have a monstrous head on my dick, ripped one of my ex-girlfriends vaginal wall at one point, it was horrific... Heavier set women don't have a problem with it and love it, but the skinny ones, oh boy, I tend to avoid em entirely for this reason alone.

[amaysngrace]

57 minutes ago, dangerous said:

the OP says HE is selfish?

Yes, he showed up here unannounced a week later after we broke up right when the kids and I were doing my daughters birthday celebration asking me to please come out and talk to him.  He didn’t even tell me to tell her to wish her a happy birthday.  Just was only thinking about himself, as usual. 

[Realitysux]

1 hour ago, dangerous said:

Wow, I can't believe most of this thread!... The poor guy has a medical condition that is most likely painful physically and certainly emotionally. We have no idea how he feels, or what investigations or medical tests and procedures he has endured, and the OP says HE is selfish?

Its all about her, but wait, its all ok, because BF#2 has a Harley and a V8!

I think perhaps the OP will get what she deserves soon enough. 

I think karma has a great way of sneaking up on people. 

[Realitysux]

2 minutes ago, amaysngrace said:

Yes, he showed up here unannounced a week later after we broke up right when the kids and I were doing my daughters birthday celebration asking me to please come out and talk to him.  He didn’t even tell me to tell her to wish her a happy birthday.  Just was only thinking about himself, as usual. 

Then why are you considering him as an option. The guy has some emotional attachment issue and as someone with experience, were slow to figure out what is what. I am not as bad but I'm slow at times and it took me a while.