My heart is breaking, how can I move on

[Angel29]

I need help to move on from a past love interest. I have known a man who is 48 years old for 6 years from my walking group. He is a kind and caring man. I am in my 30s, I'm shy but am still able to interact with him. He is also reserved but popular with people in the group the same as I am.

Over the years it has been a ‘cat and mouse’ game where there is a strong attraction between us but we have never progressed to dating as he lacks confidence and this is clear from the way he behaves around women.

I usually pull away when I find out he has been on dates with other women. I know that he can date whom he likes as he is single but I pull away as I have feelings for him and I don’t want to get hurt.

He feels more comfortable asking someone out online, as he doesn’t like in person rejection. He has been on dates with women in the walking group but they asked him out. He never finds love as all of the women realise how socially awkward he is and he can be quite negative. I have not known him to have a partner during the 6 years. He has never been married or had any children so I’m thinking he must be a confirmed batchelor.

A few years ago I told him I liked him, as I didn’t know where I stood with him as we had spent a lot of time together and he was giving me signals. He had a panic attack and made up some excuse that he had been leading me on. I stayed away and went to less walks and events but ever since he has tried to woo my interest back with the things he says.

I have always acted aloof since the rejection, as I don’t want to be used as a back up plan and I wanted him to think I had moved on. One time we were at a party and because I had pretended I had moved on he seemed disappointed so he got chatting to another woman that I knew. I was with friends and saw he and this woman was getting on well and I burst into tears. He never saw me cry and my friends were really shocked.

He asked about my dating just before lockdown, which I thought, was odd as he hasn’t asked this before and why does he want to know. I asked about his dating and he said he had no luck and that he had tried speed dating and he uses Plenty of Fish and that only the older women contact him. I’m not sure why he uses that site as I have heard it gets bad reviews.

During lockdown I joined some online groups to meet new people for after lockdown. I found after I joined he was a member of some of the groups and he seemed to keep commenting on one woman’s posts in particular. Soon as I joined he stopped commenting, which it is clear he feels uncomfortable with me seeing what he posts.

I went for a walk with him and some others last weekend but I don’t know why but we were awkward around each other and hardly spoke. I feel lockdown has made people feel down and he was quite down and said he has been lonely on lockdown and been walking on his own. I wanted to say to him I would have come walking with him but I couldn’t get the words out. I felt sad that he felt lonely in lockdown. Since the walk he has made his dating profile visible again.

He was a bit negative on the walk and being the positive person I am I would have to reframe back what he said in a positive way to him because some of the things he was saying were not right. I should not have to do this, as I want someone who is positive and in a good place too.

I don’t know if he being negative or has these mood swings are to do with him as a person such as a mental health issue. He is a mental health nurse so I don’t know if his job pressure affects him. He is also a Scorpio, I know some people don’t believe in horoscopes but they say Scorpio males may have a mood swing tendency.

I have come to the realisation that there will be no relationship between us. I don’t know why I’m so hung up on this man. It is clear he is non-committal, has mood swings and can be negative at times. If he was such a catch he would not still be single. I think I have built up an image in my head of someone that does not really exist. Just because he is handsome and we have common interests does not mean he is good for me. This situation is affecting my confidence.

I really care about him, which is why I still hold on because I don’t think I could ever deal with not seeing him ever again. I just started crying when the thought of never seeing him ever again popped into my head, it just feels so painful.

What is the best way to get this resolved? Ask him what he thinks or move on meet someone else? I feel I deserve so much more. Please can I have some advice.

Edited July 14, 2020 by Angel29

[Psalm]

2 hours ago, Angel29 said:

I need help to move on from a past love interest. I have known a man who is 48 years old for 6 years from my walking group. He is a kind and caring man. I am in my 30s, I'm shy but am still able to interact with him. He is also reserved but popular with people in the group the same as I am.

Over the years it has been a ‘cat and mouse’ game where there is a strong attraction between us but we have never progressed to dating as he lacks confidence and this is clear from the way he behaves around women.

I usually pull away when I find out he has been on dates with other women. I know that he can date whom he likes as he is single but I pull away as I have feelings for him and I don’t want to get hurt.

He feels more comfortable asking someone out online, as he doesn’t like in person rejection. He has been on dates with women in the walking group but they asked him out. He never finds love as all of the women realise how socially awkward he is and he can be quite negative. I have not known him to have a partner during the 6 years. He has never been married or had any children so I’m thinking he must be a confirmed batchelor.

A few years ago I told him I liked him, as I didn’t know where I stood with him as we had spent a lot of time together and he was giving me signals. He had a panic attack and made up some excuse that he had been leading me on. I stayed away and went to less walks and events but ever since he has tried to woo my interest back with the things he says.

I have always acted aloof since the rejection, as I don’t want to be used as a back up plan and I wanted him to think I had moved on. One time we were at a party and because I had pretended I had moved on he seemed disappointed so he got chatting to another woman that I knew. I was with friends and saw he and this woman was getting on well and I burst into tears. He never saw me cry and my friends were really shocked.

He asked about my dating just before lockdown, which I thought, was odd as he hasn’t asked this before and why does he want to know. I asked about his dating and he said he had no luck and that he had tried speed dating and he uses Plenty of Fish and that only the older women contact him. I’m not sure why he uses that site as I have heard it gets bad reviews.

During lockdown I joined some online groups to meet new people for after lockdown. I found after I joined he was a member of some of the groups and he seemed to keep commenting on one woman’s posts in particular. Soon as I joined he stopped commenting, which it is clear he feels uncomfortable with me seeing what he posts.

I went for a walk with him and some others last weekend but I don’t know why but we were awkward around each other and hardly spoke. I feel lockdown has made people feel down and he was quite down and said he has been lonely on lockdown and been walking on his own. I wanted to say to him I would have come walking with him but I couldn’t get the words out. I felt sad that he felt lonely in lockdown. Since the walk he has made his dating profile visible again.

He was a bit negative on the walk and being the positive person I am I would have to reframe back what he said in a positive way to him because some of the things he was saying were not right. I should not have to do this, as I want someone who is positive and in a good place too.

I don’t know if he being negative or has these mood swings are to do with him as a person such as a mental health issue. He is a mental health nurse so I don’t know if his job pressure affects him. He is also a Scorpio, I know some people don’t believe in horoscopes but they say Scorpio males may have a mood swing tendency.

I have come to the realisation that there will be no relationship between us. I don’t know why I’m so hung up on this man. It is clear he is non-committal, has mood swings and can be negative at times. If he was such a catch he would not still be single. I think I have built up an image in my head of someone that does not really exist. Just because he is handsome and we have common interests does not mean he is good for me. This situation is affecting my confidence.

I really care about him, which is why I still hold on because I don’t think I could ever deal with not seeing him ever again. I just started crying when the thought of never seeing him ever again popped into my head, it just feels so painful.

What is the best way to get this resolved? Ask him what he thinks or move on meet someone else? I feel I deserve so much more. Please can I have some advice.

It almost sounds like there is a bigger issue that's stemming here. What you need to do, is move on with yourself; Not with someone else. Most men will not commit to you unless they feel that there is some sort of necessity to commit which is why when people are intimate and move in together before marriage, it can stay that way with the man never wanting to take that final step of marriage no matter how much the woman wants it and it can be the same way in regards to relationships.

When a man truly likes a woman and sees strong potential in her, a pack of wolves won't be able to keep him from your door.

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, Angel29 said:

What is the best way to get this resolved? 

Every thread you make is about the same guy.  You have allowed yourself to be stuck in this limbo for years  The best way to resolve this if for you to finally take action -- tell him you like him; ask him if he likes you; or get him completely out of your life.  The fact that you sit & wallow & time passes & this continues is what is killing you.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again.  

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Psalm said:

When a man truly likes a woman and sees strong potential in her, a pack of wolves won't be able to keep him from your door.

I agree and if you do believe in astrology this works double for a Scorpio man.  When they want you nothing stops them.  I've had a lot of experience with them.  Your crush on this guy has lasted way too long.  You keep coming up with excuses as to why he hasn't asked you out but as you can see he has no problems asking out other ladies on those walks.  We have told you before that you need to stop walking with that group and join another one.  Staying around this man and being constantly rejected is very painful and is not helping you move on so you can get over him.  He is just not interested and you can't force it.

[Angel29]

Can anyone recommend CBT or counselling? I need to take action and sort this.

[chillii]

But if you were such a catch you wouldn't be single , or would anyone else be. And you'd probably have 2 or 3 bad personality traits too , just about everyone does. lt's also pretty obvious why things got awkward l mean you did an about face while he started trying harder . He does care about you obviously or he wouldn't have started trying more when you told him or stop posting to that woman or be trying ever since. l know your feelings were hurt but when he did start trying seems you still felt the same you should've enjoyed he's efforts and he probably would've asked you out and hopefully gotten the show on the road finally. But with the about face he probably can't work out wtf since. You basically turned it into cat and mouse yourself but mind you l can understand how you felt , but really if you wanted this to go somewhere that was kinda the wrong way , especially with a shy man.

Anyway, first up , l'm wondering if you still might be interested supposing it could be turned around ?  Maybe without the cat and mouse business he might actually ask you out. But if you'd rather not , l dunno , l think you'd be better not seeing him being around him first of all, meeting new people and hopefully someone else special.

 

 

 

Edited July 14, 2020 by chillii

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Angel29 said:

Can anyone recommend CBT or counselling? I need to take action and sort this.

Of course, you should do that^^^^.  Why would you need us to say this?  I think internally you have some of the answers even one possible way to get it sorted as you wrote here^^^. I think part of the reason you are "stuck" in this is that you look a lot to the external things going on, ie your ability to obtain him, us telling you you should or could go to counseling and it doesn't bolster your sense of self and self-reliance  You actually have some/a lot of the answers in your gut & mind; you just need to teach yourself to rely on them.  I think if you felt better about yourself a lot of stuff would sort itself out--including your obsession with this guy.

I would say that you were on the right track trying to make new groups of friends, with zoom things during lockdown.  I think you have to be honest with yourself if you are really stretching yourself and how he came to be in a few of those groups as well. To me, that sounds like you either live in a tiny area or that you are choosing groups where there is a high probability that you will "bump" into him for your motive of doing just that.  A going through the motions but still setting things up that he will be at arms length--it's YOU that needs to break that cycle cause you are the creator of it.I would say keep expanding your search to groups he WILL not be in, which echoes things I've said in the past to you about getting over him by finding replacements in your social life.  I think continuing to go on walks where he will be is not letting you get over him and instead fueling your fixation. It's also tricking your mind into thinking there is a fate element here & that you are trapped---a vicious cycle that is making it harder for you, not easier.  Sometimes you have to do what's hard to move on.  I think you should drastically and abruptly change your social life. 

Regarding the guy, I think what he does that are little trickles where it might seem like you have a chance are all about an ego boost for him or not wanting to upset his immediate social circle and it's easier to just let you pine after him.  I don't think he is interested at all.  So you need to stop spinning your wheels.  Good luck

Edited July 14, 2020 by Versacehottie

[d0nnivain]

Talk to your primary doctor.  Strangers on the internet can't give you advice on how to pick a therapist

[Calmandfocused]

Thank you D0nnivain, I thought I was going mad. I remember reading an almost exact replica of this thread not that long ago. 
 

Op you got some really good advice in your previous thread. 
 

However it seems like nothing has moved forward. The push pull dynamic between you and him is continuing and you’re not willing to let this go. You're becoming more and more entrenched in this fruitless misery, hoping and praying that something will change...

it isn’t going to until you do something about it.  With his social ineptness he won’t do anything,  it’s up to you. 
 

So speak to him again. Tell him how you feel .Lay all your cards out on the table. Ask if there is a chance and make it clear that you will finally move on if there is not. Ask him how he feels about you. Does he just see you as just a friend? Is it anxiety that’s stopping him moving forward with you? ...Be compassionate, be kind, but aim for clarity. 

 If he has a panic attack so be it. It won’t kill him. He’s a grown adult. It’s only an adult conversation. 

I think you’ll come away disappointed as he clearly cannot do relationships. But at least you tried. 

And if this is the case you then need to put into motion all the advice given to you in previous threads and move on. If it takes therapy to achieve that, then so be it. 
 

You can’t live  in this limbo forever. 

 

 

[mortensorchid]

Life is complicated, I acknowledge this completely.  You sound like a young woman/girl, as in a teenager or in your early / mid twenties.  And you don't think that you will ever reach this conclusion at this moment but you will when you're older.  It took me a while to reach this conclusion as well, so you are not alone by any means.  But, we must remember a few things:

1) The only one / thing you can fix is yourself - You CANNOT fix others

2) Other people have problems, issues, etc. to be sure.  HOWEVER, you must not see yourself as a fixer because there is no one you can fix. 

3) If this guy disappoints you now, he will always disappoint you.  Fact.

4) You deserve and can do better than this guy because he's a loser.

5) YOU are not a loser, therefore you can and will do better than him.

Good luck. 

[kendahke]

9 hours ago, Angel29 said:

What is the best way to get this resolved?

Find another group to do walks with.

The sooner you and he don't have the opportunity to cross paths, the faster you will be able to move on.

He's not interested in being whatever it is you've built him up to be in your imagination.

[Ami1uwant]

My feeling...h knows the age difference and doesn’t think this would go anywhere.  Why bother just dating.

[Angel29]

I have purchased a hypnosis cd called Stop Obsessive Love and a book called Obsessive Love by Susan Forward. I know it is time now to tackle this issue as this obsession is very unhealthy and I can't keep procrastinating. I am the priority, not him. I am going away so I will listen and read these without any distractions. The silly thing is if this was a friend I would be saying the same things that everyone else keeps telling me.

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, Angel29 said:

I have purchased a hypnosis cd called Stop Obsessive Love and a book called Obsessive Love by Susan Forward. I know it is time now to tackle this issue as this obsession is very unhealthy and I can't keep procrastinating. I am the priority, not him. I am going away so I will listen and read these without any distractions. The silly thing is if this was a friend I would be saying the same things that everyone else keeps telling me.

the CD sounds like a start but to be honest out of all the techniques one might use to get over this, I find it interesting that you chose one that is a bit "out-there" in terms of solid results.  It seems like you are putting your hands in more of a fate-based strategy (ie therefore if it "fails" you can believe you are destined to be with that guy) versus a strategy that is more proven like CBT or therapy in general and how you actively manage your own social life.  

I think much like things i've seen in other women forum, you have to be careful that you are not finding a "new" way to keep the "relationship" with this specific guy "alive" by focusing your attention through hypnosis (or any technique) where the focus is on him, your relationship to him.  On that forum (which stressed me out with a quick visit & was really sad), you see women living their lives for years about the other person who is giving them half at best.  Even when the relationship ends or is over in some way, they hang on and perpetuate the relationship, needing to analyze IT and talk about their feelings about HIM on and on. An outsider can see if they are looking appropriately that it is just another way for them to keep the "relationship"; their connection to that person; the fantasy alive (even if it's at a negative turn).  So I would caution you to be careful that you give a minimal and short attention to dissecting him, your feelings about him.  Then and simultaneously you need to be working on actively creating a new life for yourself of which he is no part.  And an active fantasy life that is made up of achievable dreams and he is no part.  Do you think you can do that?

You were on the right track to join new groups. If I believe that you had no expectation that he would pop up in those groups, you were absolutely on the right track.  You need to do more of those sorts of things. I think whatever you examine in hypnosis and therapy, should focus on your thoughts about yourself and your communication, interaction with people, your self esteem.  I even think a life coach would be helpful.  Cause you need action items.  So decent start, don't want to knock it down when it is a start.  I would encourage you to do a well-rounded approach with more scientific backing as well as be the creator of your own life.  Don't hope for magical fixes so much as do the hard work.  Good luck

[Angel29]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

the CD sounds like a start but to be honest out of all the techniques one might use to get over this, I find it interesting that you chose one that is a bit "out-there" in terms of solid results.  It seems like you are putting your hands in more of a fate-based strategy (ie therefore if it "fails" you can believe you are destined to be with that guy) versus a strategy that is more proven like CBT or therapy in general and how you actively manage your own social life. 

You were on the right track to join new groups. 

Thanks for your advice. I am willing to try new techniques with the book and cd and hopefully they might keep reinforcing how wrong it is and to change. I totally agree that removing myself from his presence will be a major help to finally conquer this. It is ridiculous for me to even think about dating him when he clearly has MAJOR issues. I look forward to meeting new people and if he does come to those groups I will have to find new ones or even try a new hobby which would be of no interest to him.

[balletomane]

Angel, from what you've written the main issue is that he isn't interested in you romantically. He's asked out other women. If he wanted to date you he would have asked you too, no matter how shy and reserved he is.

Telling yourself that "he has major issues" and focusing on his problem areas is a way for you to maintain the fixation with him. So long as you're telling yourself that his shyness is the reason he's never asked you out, you're leaving the door open a crack - "Maybe he will take steps to change and then we can be together."

I know it may hurt to hear this. I developed feelings for a friend who dated me briefly and then dumped me very abruptly. At first I was attributing this abrupt change of heart to emotional difficulties, communication problems - anything and everything but the sore and slightly humiliating truth that he'd realised I wasn't what he was looking for and that the relationship wasn't for him. It wasn't flattering to be dropped like a hot potato, especially as he'd pursued me for a while before I agreed to date him. But I understood that focusing on what I perceived to be his problems would not help me to move on from the experience.

Join another club. Try a different hobby. Get yourself involved in things that are in no way connected with him. Once you're no longer basing your social life on where this man happens to be, it will get much easier.

Edited July 15, 2020 by balletomane

[Versacehottie]

9 hours ago, Angel29 said:

Thanks for your advice. I am willing to try new techniques with the book and cd and hopefully they might keep reinforcing how wrong it is and to change. I totally agree that removing myself from his presence will be a major help to finally conquer this. It is ridiculous for me to even think about dating him when he clearly has MAJOR issues. I look forward to meeting new people and if he does come to those groups I will have to find new ones or even try a new hobby which would be of no interest to him.

I agree with balletomane, that I'm not sure that he has major issues...but hey if it helps you get over him to think that..for a short while.

Here's the danger of doing that longer term (apart from keeping your attention focused on and fueled by him): 

*you don't want to become bitter or a man hater, which is bound to become a habit when you say things like this

*it doesn't really help your energy and progress in life to use a finite amount of energy hating someone or complaining that someone was evil or major issues.  You will use up precious energy and time on that, diverting it from creating a better life for yourself.  

*Again, making him the star of your life.  Ok, now he's an evil one but why still center stage?  You need to figure out how to make yourself center stage and the star.

*I, personally, and think lots other on the threads you've had about this guy over quite a long time would not say that statement is the reality of the situation.  I think in the long run it will help you the most with anything in life, but particularly this to be able to see this thing you had for this guy more accurately and clearly.  As a neutral removed person, I see it as you were interested in someone who didn't return the interest.  He may have strung you along a bit by paying you some small attention or with minor, minor flirtation but he also told you he did not want to date you and you hung in there anyway, still hoping.  Taking responsibility for your part in this is learning and power.  While I don't think it's wrong at all to be hopeful, I think it's important to be realistic or see things as they are, which if you go back and look at this situation when you have enough distance from it, I think the lesson for you is not to create a fantasy life on hope, small, perhaps nothing gestures.  That will help you with the next guy but you have to be honest with yourself. 

Anyway I hope you will get to that point.  Another way to look at it without ripping yourself apart is that you just weren't right for each other but he realized it before you did.  Good luck