Did he manipulate me into a date?

[Watercolors]

I guess I have some questions: 

1) Why didn't you verify the venue in San Diego FIRST? That would have been your key to say "Hey, you said the venue was in San Diego but its right across the street from me."
Yes, you've hung out wit him before. But still, wouldn't you want to know where you were going with him, if he was going to drive you both?

2) Why would you want to go on a road trip ALONE with a guy you've rejected romantically? That in itself is super risky because you already know his intentions are to be romantic with you, even if you rejected him. Some men can't take no for an answer. Clearly, your work colleague didn't think your rejection to his date invitations before meant anything, based on the way he turned that road trip into a romantic road trip (for himself). 

His behavior on the road trip --  lying to you about the venue's location, feeling you up in the car ride back to your city, etc. despite being a licensed marriage and counseling therapist, despite knowing you aren't attracted to him, makes him out to be a man with poor boundaries (or at least, zero respect for other people's boundaries). 

I'm not excusing his bad behavior and his lying. But why on earth would you agree to go on a road trip with someone you say physically repulses you in your first sentence, whom you rejected romantically, then you later say you've hung out with before (not wise, knowing he is attracted to you)? It makes no sense to me. I would never hang out with a guy I knew had feelings for me, even after I rejected him. That's just asking for trouble. 

And yes you should report his behavior to your clinic human resources. He's a licensed marriage and family therapist. His behavior lying to you about that venue to get you alone to be romantic with you against your will, is not someone who should be ethically counseling anyone with problems. He clearly has problems himself. You should report his actions to protect you.

And in the future, STOP hanging out with guys you romantically reject. You just don't know what their motives are after you reject them, as you found out with your work colleague.

Edited July 14, 2020 by Watercolors

[Watercolors]

22 minutes ago, Violetstar said:

The awkward silences, I'm guessing? 

I don't know, I wouldn't label that as creepy myself. I think everyone's getting information from other comments and assuming it was part of the initial thread. But, that's okay. Just, he was cool as a friend, we had some stuff in common, leading me to hang out with him one-on-one a few times, and then landing me in San Diego in an uncomfortable situation.

But, I'm never, ever, ever, going out with any guy unless he's a relative or I WANT something to happen. And, I do have to be more verbal and assertive. Truthfully, I could've yelled at him and told him to knock it off. I could have embarrassed him and said, "You know this isn't a DATE, RIGHT?!"

I guess I felt a little bit bad for him.

How can you feel bad for him based on the way he lied to you to get you to be alone with you? He basically lied about the concer venue's location being 2.5 hours away, so that he could take you out of your familiar surroundings where you have no family or friends. He could have easily harmed you. I'm sorry, but it shows a huge lack of common sense on your part. It doesn't matter that you hung out with him before platonically. But your lack of common sense, in my view, comes from the fact, that you mock his appearance and criticize his personality in your OP, then admit to later hanging out with him because you both like to shoot guns and like the same music. Yet, you forget that he STILL harbored romantic feelings for you (even if it wasn't obvious to you, that's nearly always the case with someone you romantically reject), and that his motivation was just to get you alone. 

You are lucky he didn't rape you or do worse. I hope this is a lesson you won't repeat with other men you work with or meet. You got away unscathed. Lots of women don't. 

And since you have hung out with him before this happened, he didn't manipulate you into going on this "date" with him. You had a history of hanging out with him before. You need to take responsibility for your actions in this case, knowing he had romantic feelings for you. You made a poor choice in this situation, going with him and not verifying the venue location first, or verifying that you would be eating dinner etc. etc. first before the concert. 

Setting boundaries takes practice. It seems like you didn't set any boundaries with him, until it was too late. 

Edited July 14, 2020 by Watercolors

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, Violetstar said:

I'm not going to report this to HR because again he unfortunately is much more useful than I am to our hospital and I'd like to just forget about it honestly. 

Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Epstein were also much more useful to their organizations than the women they abused and raped. Never let that be an excuse for reporting wrong doing. 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Violetstar said:

I guess I felt a little bit bad for him.

Best a small amount of discomfort in being honest up front than something terrible happen. 

I don't think it's a good idea to be friends with someone who is besotted/lacking self control with inappropriate touching. 

It's a colleague too, I'd keep my distance and make it clear in future. 

 

 

[smackie9]

John Wayne Gacy was a well respected married man in his community, ran a successful business and dressed up as a clown and entertained children at parties...and yet he lured, tortured, raped, and murdered several young men and buried them under his house.

I'm with D0nivian, he's a predator. He knew what he was doing. It was all well planned for a long time. He made sure you were 100% comfortable with him, by acting harmless the other times when you hung out. He made sure your guard was down. He totally manipulated you into your decision, using the friends bailed on him, and he was stuck. He used your quiet soft trusting demeanor to his advantage...and you fell for it. He's  sick as %^&*. You don't want to go to HR? You better sure as hell tell a trusted colleague what happened.

Edited July 14, 2020 by smackie9

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Violetstar said:

I never said he was creepy in my initial post?

Everyone else said he was creepy lol.

I would NEVER hang out with someone I had BAD VIBES with. What's the point? 

What I said was that I am NOT physically attracted to him and that even if I WAS PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO HIM, our personalities aren't entirely compatible. Basically, I'm saying we don't connect enough to DATE EACH OTHER.

As friends, we do fine. We like the same exact music, we both own guns and go shooting, and we both love scary movies. So, there's enough for us to talk AS FRIENDS.

My comfort level around him WAS a LEVEL 10. 

I think that might be the misunderstanding here. I LIKED HIM AS A FRIEND, NOT AS A ROMANTIC PARTNER. 

And, I felt comfortable enough to be alone with him a few times. If I hadn't hung out with him, if I EVER felt creepy vibes, I would've never gone out with him. 

Now you are doing a bit of a 180 and saying things that are very contradictory to what you've said earlier.  You sound very confused.  I'm not saying what happened to you was right.  Maybe you need therapy to process some things.

[poppyfields]

Violet, out of curiosity, how did (does) you boyfriend feel about all this?

Was he okay with you going?  Did you tell him what happened? 

I am glad you blocked him!  

[Watercolors]

57 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Violet, out of curiosity, how did (does) you boyfriend feel about all this?

Was he okay with you going?  Did you tell him what happened? 

I am glad you blocked him!  

That's the other thing. If you have a boyfriend, why would you take a 2.5 hour road trip with a guy you clearly state in your OP that you are not attracted to, don't really get along with and aren't compatible as far as your personalities go. There's a lot of contradictory information about your relationship with this male colleague that makes me wonder what's really going on between you two. 

If you have a boyfriend, why would you go alone anywhere with another man for nearly 3 hours? Esp. with a man you rejected repeatedly, whom you claim you are repulsed by physically, whose personality isn't really compatible with yours, yet you've claimed to hung out with him outside of your work hours several times. It just doesn't add up.

And you don't seem all that concerned that you went alone somewhere without your boyfriend. Did you tell your boyfriend what your male colleague did to you? 

[Uptown182]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Violet, out of curiosity, how did (does) you boyfriend feel about all this?

Was he okay with you going?  Did you tell him what happened? 

I am glad you blocked him!  

Yea I was wondering this too.  
 

Honestly I’d tell everyone I worked with that knows him what he did.  He 100% tricked you into a date, and most guys don’t want to go on a date with a woman who’s not interested in them so much so that they have to trick her to go out with them.  So that alone tells me this dude is a predator and I have a feeling you’re not the first one he’s done this too, if you don’t speak up he might do it someone else and that someone else may not be as lucky as you to get out of it unharmed.

[CaliforniaGirl]

13 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

You had a choice and you chose to go out with him, nobody forced you.

You knew he likes you, has been asking you out already, and you accepted to go see a concert with just him when you don't feel the same about him? Makes no sense.

Don't get me wrong, his actions are not excusable, but it's all on you for getting yourself into the situation.

Edit: oh, forget it.

Edited July 14, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[CaliforniaGirl]

9 hours ago, lana-banana said:

Should you have accepted the offer? No. You also should have gotten a cab home as soon as it was clear that the concert was never going to happen. But so what? It sounds like you're very young, and people do a lot of things they shouldn't when they're young. It's the time of your life to be learning anyway. 

What matters is what did happen: he lied to you, assaulted you, and is now trying to embarrass you in front of your colleagues. While HR can't get him in trouble for it, you should still tell them so they're aware of the issue. They can reduce the amount of contact you have at work and can tell your manager to help protect you. 

In the meantime, block him on social media and tell as many trusted people about it as you can. This guy is probably just a creeper with no boundaries, but in the event that he chooses to escalate his behavior, you want to have a record of folks who will say "oh, that guy? Yeah, he's been harassing her for a while."

 

I feel like it's possible this guy IGd pics referencing it as a date, as backup if the OP reports him. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing...and now he wants to CHA.

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

He sounds gross & manipulative. 

However, you failed to use your voice.  You should have looked up where the concert was.  They are your favorite band.  Why didn't you know where they were playing?  When he suggested wine tasting your answer should have been No this isn't a date.  When he suggested dinner you should have said No this isn't a date.  When he suggested being late you should have said, this isn't a date; let's go to the concert or take me home.   By the time you realize he wasn't listening to you at all it was time to get on the Coaster or call a friend to pick you up.  

Yes, he was absolutely out of line but you had options.  

At this point you still need to work with him.  Keep it professional.  If he tries to cross the line & talk to you about non-work stuff you need to speak up & draw your boundaries.  You say something like

I agreed to go to a concert with you as a friend & you practically hijacked me & tried to force a date.  You lied & you tried to take advantage of my good nature.  I've had it with you.  I never wanted to go out with you & you knew that.  Now, we're co-workers period.  We have to co-exist to do our jobs but other then work, I have nothing to say to you.  Stay away from me!

Stand up for yourself. 

I'd actually email this to him. I'd have it in writing...IMMEDIATELY, not later when he could claim, for example, that the OP was just mad at him for not asking her out a second time.

Do it today. I'm serious.

Edited July 14, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Maldives]

Man he sounds like hers crossing some serious boundaries there re touching you etc when you clearly didn't want it 

[Lorenza]

So your personalities aren't compatible whatsoever, as you claimed in your initial post, but you like a lot of the same things and are fine as friends?  

Seems like you didn't like being called out for making a wrong and what could be a dangerous decision, and got deffensive. 

[balletomane]

OP, a marriage therapist who doesn't respect boundaries, who harasses women, and who lies and then tries to hide it (CaliforniaGirl is right, the social media posts are his way of trying to cover his back) is not useful to the hospital. A therapist like that is a liability to the hospital.

This behaviour doesn't come from nowhere. He's probably done it before, and he'll probably do it again. I think women in this situation often hesitate to report things in case they get criticised for being gullible, and men who behave as he does bank on that. Report him.

Edited July 15, 2020 by balletomane

[Emilie Jolie]

14 hours ago, Violetstar said:

My comfort level around him WAS a LEVEL 10. 

I think that you should have made that clear in your thread opener. 

It's good you recognised there are a number of common sense things moving forward that you can do for your own safety - like knowing where the concert was, and having a plan B / enough money in terms of getting back home safely when you are so far away from home.

These are basic stuff you should do regardless of who you are going out with and are nothing to do your level of trust in people. 

I was under the assumption that he was a near stranger from your OP, and now you say he is a friend you met outside of work a few times - this changes things.

Agree with others, this guy groomed you. From the moment you got into his car to the moment you got home, whatever happened between you is all on him.

If you don't feel confident enough reporting him to HR, like others have said let your colleagues know. They may offer you the support you need to take it further, and other women may come forward with similar stories. 

[smackie9]

I get it...you don't feel comfortable coming forward and placing a complaint because of the feared repercussions pertaining to your job, career, reputation, embarrassment, etc.

Make note: Not speaking out let someone like Bill Cosby to continue to drug and rape women for decades.

I doubt you were the first, and you will not be the last he tries something like this again. He hides behind his reputation as a respected counselor...and he knows his position protects him. That's why he doesn't fear getting fired....he pick victims like you that are too shy to speak out against him.

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I get it...you don't feel comfortable coming forward and placing a complaint because of the feared repercussions pertaining to your job, career, reputation, embarrassment, etc.

Make note: Not speaking out let someone like Bill Cosby to continue to drug and rape women for decades.

I doubt you were the first, and you will not be the last he tries something like this again. He hides behind his reputation as a respected counselor...and he knows his position protects him. That's why he doesn't fear getting fired....he pick victims like you that are too shy to speak out against him.

OP if this is true please know that the law protects you.  A person cannot be fired or retaliated against for bring things like this to light. 

Your silence also enables predators like him.  Speak up.  Help the next person.  If his last victim said something he might not have remained in the position where he was able to take advantage of you.  

[DelarosaKandy]

On 7/14/2020 at 12:36 PM, poppyfields said:

Violet, out of curiosity, how did (does) you boyfriend feel about all this?

Was he okay with you going?  Did you tell him what happened? 

I am glad you blocked him!  

Why does everyone keep saying she has a boyfriend? OP stated numerous times throughout this thread she doesn't have a boyfriend lol. She said she's been on 2 dates with some other guy. 

I noticed that keeps coming up in other's comments too. OP, I'm purely going by YOUR individual comments, not anyone else's. 

From what I understand:

1. NO BOYFRIEND but you are actively dating, something I am assuming this predator was aware of and took advantage of. 

2.   You have known this CO-WORKER for a year and you have had time alone with him before, leaving you to feel naturally comfortable with him. That makes sense. I don't blame for that because I too have gone out with guy friends to many places. 

3.  Although you are not PHYSICALLY attracted to him, you enjoy his company as a FRIEND, correct? 

So, yeah what's done is done. Ignore those who are trying to attack YOU for taking a "FRIEND" at face value. Listen to those who are trying to help you navigate the consequences of all of this because that's what is important right now. Obviously, like others said, just next time use your judgement. Don't go THAT FAR OUT OF TOWN unless it's with a girl or a man you are COMMITTED TO and 100% trust. I've gone out with guys I was actually DATING and have had some scary experiences as well. Always make sure you trust the guy with your life, although NOTHING GUARANTEES YOUR SAFETY. Everyone here is acting like rape can be predicted and like it's YOUR fault for any possible rape that could have happen.

Rape can still happen with a loving boyfriend. So, don't let ignorant comments weigh you down. Many, many, many years ago one of my best friends was raped by her boyfriend. He knew things were going downhill and she was going to break up with him soon. So, he took her to a local bar, raped her, and left her there in an unlocked car. And judging by some of these comments, they would probably blame her for that.

Take the positive comments from here and run with them. 

I get it. He's a co-worker and you don't want to make a thing out of it. My personal concern is how in the HELL is he a therapist?! To me, if he's good at his job then that means he knew exactly what he was doing. Personally, I'd report it. But, if you're not comfortable, block him on IG, block him on your phone, DO NOT GIVE HIM THE TIME OF DAY.

Learn your lesson and move on. And, I would say don't go out with any guy friends whatsoever. Here's the thing, I'm going to guess you might be a fairly attractive woman. Guys are simple-minded and they assume just because an attractive woman is OUT WITH THEM, then it MUST BE A DATE, and the woman MUST BE INTO HIM. I learned that the hard way and realized I just couldn't have guy friends because of that. But, again if gives them no right to touch you. I've been out with some very, good looking guy friends who NEVER touched me. In fact, one of them literally asked permission to kiss me because he wasn't sure if we were just friends or what we were. CONSENT 101 BABY

Just keep dating the guys you are currently juggling (I peeked at your previous posts! lol), keep your head up high, and move on with a lesson learned.