Did he manipulate me into a date?

[Violetstar]

I have this male co-worker I have known for over a year.  I'm not physically attracted to him whatsoever. I really, really, really hope this doesn't come off mean but... he's severely overweight and our personalities aren't compatible whatsoever. There's a lot of awkward silences between us and we just don't get each other.  So, even if I WAS attracted to him, we wouldn't be compatible.

Now, he's asked me out a few times and I've said no quite a few times and I'm currently actively dating someone else right now, which he KNOWs.

So, two weeks ago he tells me there is a drive-inn concert in San Diego to see this band that we both like. He LITERALLY said: "Violet, my friends are too scared of COVID to go, would you like to go? I know you really like this band too so it'll be chill. If not, no pressure i'll just go by myself."

Since, I liked the band & I love San Diego, I accepted the ticket and told him I was down to go if his friends couldn't go. 

He turns the ENTIRE NIGHT into some kind of romantic date and FORCES IT. First, we hit a wine tasting place before the concert. He was trying to grab my hands the entire time, and put his arms around me, and we got into a fight because I tried to pay for our drinks, SO HE WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS A DATE, but the cashier got really uncomfortable and snatched my friends card to get us out of line. After our drinks, I said: "Okay, let's head out to the concert now!" 

I was getting suspicious because it was already 8:00pm and the drive-inn concert was supposed to start at 830pm. When I asked he kept giving weird excuses like, "We can be late. We can watch it live on the way there. We can watch the recording if we miss anything." But, the point of the concert was TO SEE IT LIVE, otherwise why go all the way out to San Diego, which is 2.5 hours away!  

So, it's 8:30 and I tell him we should go to the concert now and he goes, "Yeah, yeah, AFTER DINNER AND DESSERT." So, we have dinner and dessert and again I tried to pay but he literally ran up to the waiter and provided his card and made a big show out of it so I wouldn't be able to pay for anything. At that point, I was PISSED OFF. Because I truly felt he was trying to force the label of DATE to our outing. Especially because he couldn't keep his hands to himself despite my constant pushing his hands away. 

It's about 9:30PM and I tell him AGAIN, "Hey, let's go to the concert now." 

And, I can tell he's annoyed and he goes, "We'll just watch the recording when I take you home. Why don't we grab drinks and hang out at the beach? It'll be so romantic."

At that point, I knew exactly what he was doing. He manipulated me into a date, 2 hours away from home. He LIED about going to a concert with MY FAVORITE BAND in order to get me to go with him to San Diego so that he could force me into a date with him because I kept saying no before. At that point, I lost all sympathy for him and I stopped being polite and I demanded he take me home because I wasn't going to go to the beach where he could possibly force himself on me. 

So, we drive home around 9:30, much to his frustration, and he pulls up the RECORDING of the concert and I see on the bottom right corner where the drive inn theatre was. And, I discovered that the drive-inn theatre was ONLY 30 minutes away from my house!! The concert was basically across the street from me and I could've actually driven myself there was NO REASON for us to go to San Diego!!! 

On the drive home, he kept rubbing my legs and my knees and putting his hands all over me and I was just praying for it to be over. I wanted to go home so bad. And, when we got to my house 2 1/2 hours later, he tried to pull me in and force me into a kiss but I pushed him off and literally booked it into my house. And now he is tagging me on Instagram on his stories labeled "Date night" basically trying to claim me in front of all of our coworkers. 

Am I crazy here? Did this guy totally manipulate me into a date? Or, am I total EFFING idiot for thinking I was just a friend taking an extra concert ticket he had? AGAIN, HE NEVER TOOK ME TO THE CONCERT, so I still feel lied to. I don't know how the hell I'm going to deal with him at work but I know I'm never hanging out with him ever again. 

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

Yes, totally lied to you.     

I'm not sure if HR has jurisdiction over what happens between staff outside hours, but I'd be letting them know what happened.... particularly the unwanted touching and kissing and misrepresenting you time together on social media.   

Meanwhile, block him on Instagram and every other social media platform he's on.  

 

[Violetstar]

Yeah HR wouldn't have much jurisdiction because he's in a completely different department. So, i could actually avoid seeing him if I clock in early and at a different clock, far away from his office. And unfortunately, he's much more useful to the facility than I am at this point during COVID. My position isn't in demand. 

I'm going to block him on IG though. I'm just so weirded out by it. Either he is socially inept and doesn't understand that I never CONSENTED to a date or FELT COMFORTABLE by his touching OR he doesn't care. I don't think he's some sort of evil genius though. 

[basil67]

Even if you don't go to HR, it wouldn't hurt to tell a few people what went on.   This could be his MO for women at work who he likes.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Oh my God, I would be furious. Furious.

And by the way...he assaulted you.

 

[Mystery4u]

You had a choice and you chose to go out with him, nobody forced you.

You knew he likes you, has been asking you out already, and you accepted to go see a concert with just him when you don't feel the same about him? Makes no sense.

Don't get me wrong, his actions are not excusable, but it's all on you for getting yourself into the situation.

[Calmandfocused]

Every hair on the back of my neck was standing up reading that ... very creepy. 
 

Violet you must never go anywhere alone with someone who you: a) know is attracted to you and wants to date you and  b) who you find creepy. Furthermore you are dating someone else so all in all it was entirely inappropriate for you to accept the invitation. 
 

He will say that you led him on. In his head he had a date with you. Let him continue in his fantasy. There’s nothing you can do. 
 

What you need to do is ensure that you stay away from this man and that you do not engage further with him. You must protect yourself and give a clear message you want nothing to do with him.  If he hounds you, you report him. 
 

In future use your logic. 
 

And please don’t go anywhere with him again. 

Edited July 14, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[Emilie Jolie]

He's a sleaze, and his behaviour on the night was completely inappropriate, that's on him. Of course block / delete / ignore at work. Yet it wasn't exactly out of the blue.

Sounds like you only saw the opportunity to watch your favourite band live without any consideration for your safety. You barely know this work colleague, you have no interest in being in his company and the little you know of him is that he likes you. Accepting his invite was unwise on many levels, never mind letting him take you in his car hours from where you live.

If you happen to find yourself in similar circumstances again (not a good idea in the first place!), make sure other people you know are going there too, and make your own way to the venue.

Edited July 14, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Giovane]

I am actually shocked that there could be any doubt in your mind at all. You have no reason whatsoever to question your own behaviour during the night! This guy clearly acted inappropriately in several ways.

Don't let yourself end up in a situation like that again - don't accept invitations by men you don't know well, especially when a) you know they're into you and/or b) you're dating someone else.

Edited July 14, 2020 by Giovane

[balletomane]

First off, he was manipulative, he lied, and he kept touching you when it was clear you didn't want it. That is not on you. That's on him. He can't pretend even to himself that you were keen to br there - if he believed you were genuinely interested in him there would have been no need for the story about the concert and his friends.

However, from what you've said, you don't even see him as a friend. You described awkward silences and clashing personalities. This is not someone you would choose to spend time with socially, so why did you agree to go with him? I'm not asking this to blame you for what happened, but to try and gain some more clarity around how you think. I know some women would really struggle to say no if they were presented with a sob story or something that sounds like a favour ("None of my friends will go, so the ticket will be wasted..."). It is not rude or otherwise wrong to say no in that situation, even though it might feel like it. If you struggle with assertiveness in general, this is something you could work on.

 

[basil67]

46 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

but it's all on you for getting yourself into the situation.

So a woman who trusts a man to live up to his word is at fault?

[Calmandfocused]

Never play Russian Roulette with your safety op. There are lots of creeps out there. 

He is a work colleague. He is not a friend. You do not know him. 
 

Never go anywhere with someone you don’t know, 2 hours away from your family and friends ... for any reason. 
 

Thank goodness you got home ok. But you need to make better choices in the future. 

[Emilie Jolie]

3 hours ago, Violetstar said:

And, I discovered that the drive-inn theatre was ONLY 30 minutes away from my house!! The concert was basically across the street from me and I could've actually driven myself there was NO REASON for us to go to San Diego!!! 

Again, for next time, make sure you have worked out where the concert actually is, and every single detail about how to get there, before agreeing to anything.

You did well to say no repeatedly to him on the night, to rebuke his advances and to insist he drive you home though - it could have been so much worse for you, Violetstar. You had a lucky escape.

[Erik30]

What a creep... Yeah he tricked you, I guess he never even had tickets. He probably thinks he's "a nice guy" since he was willing to pay for everything else, "so what's the problem?"

I would block him on everything. It sucks that you have to see him at work, so you can't cut him out of your life completely. But if he keeps on asking you out, report him. Be indifferent and professional whenever you have to deal with him 

[Andy_K]

Wow, that sounds terrible. I can't imagine what goes through a guys head in order for him to continually be touchy despite being pushed away/turned down the entire evening. That's totally out of order.

Lesson learned - do not spend one-on-one time with a guy you barely know who has designs on you.

[Velvet teddy]

5 hours ago, Violetstar said:

I have this male co-worker I have known for over a year.  I'm not physically attracted to him whatsoever. I really, really, really hope this doesn't come off mean but... he's severely overweight and our personalities aren't compatible whatsoever. There's a lot of awkward silences between us and we just don't get each other.  So, even if I WAS attracted to him, we wouldn't be compatible.

Now, he's asked me out a few times and I've said no quite a few times and I'm currently actively dating someone else right now, which he KNOWs.

So, two weeks ago he tells me there is a drive-inn concert in San Diego to see this band that we both like. He LITERALLY said: "Violet, my friends are too scared of COVID to go, would you like to go? I know you really like this band too so it'll be chill. If not, no pressure i'll just go by myself."

Since, I liked the band & I love San Diego, I accepted the ticket and told him I was down to go if his friends couldn't go. 

He turns the ENTIRE NIGHT into some kind of romantic date and FORCES IT. First, we hit a wine tasting place before the concert. He was trying to grab my hands the entire time, and put his arms around me, and we got into a fight because I tried to pay for our drinks, SO HE WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS A DATE, but the cashier got really uncomfortable and snatched my friends card to get us out of line. After our drinks, I said: "Okay, let's head out to the concert now!" 

I was getting suspicious because it was already 8:00pm and the drive-inn concert was supposed to start at 830pm. When I asked he kept giving weird excuses like, "We can be late. We can watch it live on the way there. We can watch the recording if we miss anything." But, the point of the concert was TO SEE IT LIVE, otherwise why go all the way out to San Diego, which is 2.5 hours away!  

So, it's 8:30 and I tell him we should go to the concert now and he goes, "Yeah, yeah, AFTER DINNER AND DESSERT." So, we have dinner and dessert and again I tried to pay but he literally ran up to the waiter and provided his card and made a big show out of it so I wouldn't be able to pay for anything. At that point, I was PISSED OFF. Because I truly felt he was trying to force the label of DATE to our outing. Especially because he couldn't keep his hands to himself despite my constant pushing his hands away. 

It's about 9:30PM and I tell him AGAIN, "Hey, let's go to the concert now." 

And, I can tell he's annoyed and he goes, "We'll just watch the recording when I take you home. Why don't we grab drinks and hang out at the beach? It'll be so romantic."

At that point, I knew exactly what he was doing. He manipulated me into a date, 2 hours away from home. He LIED about going to a concert with MY FAVORITE BAND in order to get me to go with him to San Diego so that he could force me into a date with him because I kept saying no before. At that point, I lost all sympathy for him and I stopped being polite and I demanded he take me home because I wasn't going to go to the beach where he could possibly force himself on me. 

So, we drive home around 9:30, much to his frustration, and he pulls up the RECORDING of the concert and I see on the bottom right corner where the drive inn theatre was. And, I discovered that the drive-inn theatre was ONLY 30 minutes away from my house!! The concert was basically across the street from me and I could've actually driven myself there was NO REASON for us to go to San Diego!!! 

On the drive home, he kept rubbing my legs and my knees and putting his hands all over me and I was just praying for it to be over. I wanted to go home so bad. And, when we got to my house 2 1/2 hours later, he tried to pull me in and force me into a kiss but I pushed him off and literally booked it into my house. And now he is tagging me on Instagram on his stories labeled "Date night" basically trying to claim me in front of all of our coworkers. 

Am I crazy here? Did this guy totally manipulate me into a date? Or, am I total EFFING idiot for thinking I was just a friend taking an extra concert ticket he had? AGAIN, HE NEVER TOOK ME TO THE CONCERT, so I still feel lied to. I don't know how the hell I'm going to deal with him at work but I know I'm never hanging out with him ever again. 

 

 

 

 

No you're not crazy.

He manipulated you into a date.

However you didnt like the guy in any way shape or form from before and he's not a good friend. So i think you accepting his offer, doesn't make much sense.

[lana-banana]

Should you have accepted the offer? No. You also should have gotten a cab home as soon as it was clear that the concert was never going to happen. But so what? It sounds like you're very young, and people do a lot of things they shouldn't when they're young. It's the time of your life to be learning anyway. 

What matters is what did happen: he lied to you, assaulted you, and is now trying to embarrass you in front of your colleagues. While HR can't get him in trouble for it, you should still tell them so they're aware of the issue. They can reduce the amount of contact you have at work and can tell your manager to help protect you. 

In the meantime, block him on social media and tell as many trusted people about it as you can. This guy is probably just a creeper with no boundaries, but in the event that he chooses to escalate his behavior, you want to have a record of folks who will say "oh, that guy? Yeah, he's been harassing her for a while."

 

[d0nnivain]

He sounds gross & manipulative. 

However, you failed to use your voice.  You should have looked up where the concert was.  They are your favorite band.  Why didn't you know where they were playing?  When he suggested wine tasting your answer should have been No this isn't a date.  When he suggested dinner you should have said No this isn't a date.  When he suggested being late you should have said, this isn't a date; let's go to the concert or take me home.   By the time you realize he wasn't listening to you at all it was time to get on the Coaster or call a friend to pick you up.  

Yes, he was absolutely out of line but you had options.  

At this point you still need to work with him.  Keep it professional.  If he tries to cross the line & talk to you about non-work stuff you need to speak up & draw your boundaries.  You say something like

I agreed to go to a concert with you as a friend & you practically hijacked me & tried to force a date.  You lied & you tried to take advantage of my good nature.  I've had it with you.  I never wanted to go out with you & you knew that.  Now, we're co-workers period.  We have to co-exist to do our jobs but other then work, I have nothing to say to you.  Stay away from me!

Stand up for yourself. 

[Lorenza]

I am sorry, OP. He is, of course, fully responsible for his predatory behaviour and I do agree with others that such actions wouldn't be justified even if OP was wasted, sending mixed messages or making herself vulnerable in other ways. It is not OK.

However, the world is full of bad people and no #metoo or other feminist movements will prevent such creepy situations from happening if we don't prevent them by ourselves - if we can (because sometimes bad things happen in situations victims can't control). Caution is needed despite of what is right or wrong. That is not the same as victim shaming. Stealing is wrong and immoral - but you wouldn't leave your doors unlocked when you leave the house, would you? 

This is a lesson for OP and a cautionary tale for others. I experienced a very similar situation when I was 21, just with a complete stranger and not even a collegue. I could have gotten drugged, raped, or even murdered and my precious life would have been lost and no "men should be tought not to rape instead!" slogans would have mattered. 

Let's all be safe.

 

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Never go anywhere with someone you don’t know, 2 hours away from your family and friends ... for any reason.

Thank goodness you got home ok. But you need to make better choices in the future. 

First off @Violetstar I'm really sorry this happened to you.  Scary!  Been there done that myself.

Second, what's quoted above.  This is all Mystery4u and some others are suggesting.  

No it's absolutely not your "fault" but it's important to take at least some responsibility for what happens to us in life, when possible.  

Some things cannot be avoided but some things can, by making better choices. 

Last week I posted about being sexually assaulted (date raped) by a stranger I invited into my home during our first date.  

While HIS actions were utterly deplorable not to mention criminal, I took responsibility for my actions -  inviting a stranger into my home.

A few posters chimed in saying NO I should not take any responsibility, that what happened was all on him.

I didn't (and don't) agree; by owning my role in what happened, taking responsibility for the very bad decision I made inviting him (a stranger) into my home, I was actually able to heal much faster than if I hadn't.

I felt more in control, less like a "victim."

Not sure if anyone who hasn't been there can understand that, but I wanted to share my story hoping it might help you.  Help you heal and move on without becoming distrustful of men and bitter.

Best of luck moving forward!  Hugs. 

 

Edited July 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

He sounds gross & manipulative. 

However, you failed to use your voice.

When he suggested wine tasting your answer should have been No this isn't a date.  When he suggested dinner you should have said No this isn't a date.  When he suggested being late you should have said, this isn't a date; let's go to the concert or take me home.  

If he tries to cross the line & talk to you about non-work stuff you need to speak up & draw your boundaries.  You say something like

I agreed to go to a concert with you as a friend & you practically hijacked me & tried to force a date.  You lied & you tried to take advantage of my good nature.  I've had it with you.  I never wanted to go out with you & you knew that.  Now, we're co-workers period.  We have to co-exist to do our jobs but other then work, I have nothing to say to you.  Stay away from me!

You an I think alike... but I wouldn't keep it professional since he seemed to have crossed the line.  BUT... being blunt (as in your quote) is absolutely perfect. 

OP... d0nnivain is 100% correct. You were only going out because his friend couldn't make it, and you were using a ticket. He never had the intentions of taking you... and he was trying to force a situation. The wine tasting should have never happened, and you should have started saying something right away.  The first time he tried to hold your hand... you should have said... "I'm taking a cab home."  

I know hindsight is 20/20.  So... take d0nnivain's quote... and tell the guy !!!!!

As far as the paying thing... ummmm..... that's not a big deal to me.  I do have some money in the bank... I came from a family where "Dad" pays... and since I have kids... I'm just kind of use to paying.  I know a few of my female friends have gotten mad at me for always paying... but most of them now just accept it because they know that's who I am. But... if they pull out a card first and tell me they are paying... then I simply say "Thanks." (and don't cause an uproar)  Oh... to the point of "Dad" pays... I'm 47, and got icecream with my folks, my kids and my GF.  My dad pushed me out of the way to pay the girl at the register.  

ANyway... the guy is s total D-bag... drop the bomb on him about being... more or less being kidnapped. 

[smackie9]

Lesson learned right? The ticket was bait..."candy little girl?" Here's a tip: when a guy repeatedly asks you out, and you have told him no each time, is a guy you need to watch out for and stay away from no MATTER what they say to you...be on guard!

I've had someone try the same trick,...tickets to a concert I would have really liked. He was someone I knew for years from high school. I had no interest, and the fact I was married, I told him no way. Long story short he turned into a stalker. This happened 20 years ago...and sure as $^&%, he started following me on Instagram last week. It was just yesterday I deleted him....he's probably reading this post the jack a$$.

BTW you can report him to HR....he's kept asking you out, and he hasn't taken no for an answer. That IS harassment.

[Emilie Jolie]

2 hours ago, lana-banana said:

But so what? 

I agree with you on most things Lana, but not on this. 

I've seen it too many times in both my previous and current job - young, vulnerable women putting themselves in crazy risky situations time and again and takimg no responsibility for it.

Should we in theory be able to trust anyone's word? Yes. Is it realistic or even sensible? No. Is it fair? Also no.

Violetstar put herself in an incredibly vulnerable situation on a thousand different levels. This too needs to be unequivocally spelt out. 

What did happen is that she didn't even check where the concert was and put her safety in the hands of a vague work acquaintance. It is not victim-blaming or lack of empathy than to put it down in black and white.

 

[d0nnivain]

Violetstar

I'm pretty blunt.  Don't take my post above as being mean or blaming you.  I am trying to empower you.

  Get tough!  Take charge of your life.  

[balletomane]

22 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

A few posters chimed in saying NO I should not take any responsibility, that what happened was all on him.

I didn't (and don't) agree; by owning my role in what happened, taking responsibility for the very bad decision I made inviting him (a stranger) into my home, I was actually able to heal much faster than if I hadn't.

I felt more in control, less like a "victim."

The problem with this is that women are statistically much more likely to be raped by men we know - family, friends, colleagues. Stranger rape is comparatively rare. Unfortunately many people act as if it's the other way round, presumably because it's easier to protect ourselves against strangers, and it would be impractical (not to mention painful) if we started to treat every man we know as a potential rapist. But that is what "taking responsibility" would look like.