My SO says things that cause terrible anxiety

July 13, 2020

Hello everyone, I am hoping to gain some insight regarding the issue I've been facing. Lately my anxiety is through the roof and I am having difficulty functioning.

My SO and I just came home from vacation while we were there a few things happened. The first thing that happened was I oversaw an incoming Snapchat he received. I recognized the name of the person sending it to him. He is not supposed to be in contact with this person at all. I asked why he didn't open the snap... Long story short, he opened it in front of me and it was not an appropriate picture to be receiving AT ALL, hence, why he is not supposed to have contact in the first place as they have had a prior physical encounter. He didn't want to discuss it with me and Instead said 'im over it. This is our last vacation together'.

The next day, I brought it up and told him how I was feeling about what had happened last night and also him saying 'this is our last vacation together'. He didn't apologize or show any remorse, nor did he remove the person from his Snapchat instead, he actually lashed out at me and said 'what do you want me to do? Apologize?' and laughed.

So what did I do? I went through his Snapchat and saw that he had been sending)receiving messages and snaps from SEVERAL other people who he had previously talked to/had met and/or hooked up with.

I don't know what to do next. Bringing it up will likely upset him. But I am a wreck

July 13, 2020

You really only have 2 options. Stay and just "take it" which will just make the disrespect escalate or let him go, retain your sanity and find someone else who is worth your time.

4 minutes ago, Meb88 said:

He didn't apologize or show any remorse, nor did he remove the person from his Snapchat instead, he actually lashed out at me and said 'what do you want me to do? Apologize?' and laughed.

From what you wrote above, the disrespect has already escalated to the point he doesn't care what you think; he's going to do it anyway.

July 13, 2020

I think it's normal to be anxious about someone you care about saying it is last time you are together like that and inappropriately snapping other people. He is showing with words and actions he doesn't care about the relationship or respect you at all. Dump him.

July 13, 2020

You need to check out of this ASAP. This guy has no respect for your feelings and no respect for the relationship. He’s playing the field and because he knows he can steam roll you over anything , he will get away with it cos he knows you’ll I see similarities between his behaviour and the shameful way I treated someone once.
I’m really glad you decided to post this up here. There’s a lot of people here that can help you out.

He doesn’t care about upsetting you in the slightest. His behaviour has proved that and his lack of honour and respect. The best thing you can do is be strong, be the one to end this and don’t ever let someone make you feel like you’re second best or that you can’t speak to them without fear of them lashing out verbally or physically. That’s not a relationship. That’s a relationsh*t.

and lastly , you shouldn’t go through peoples phones. The very fact you even had to do that has killed any trust that was left in the relationship . It paid off this time but only if you leave. You’ll always be questioning him from now on. So you’re really only left with one thing to do ...

Edited July 13, 2020 by Fox Sake

July 13, 2020

How old are you two? I could be wrong, don't know you after all, but you sound controlling based on what you've wrote. I can see you not wanting him to do anything with one person with whom he was messing around with but it seems like you have a problem with his past in general. With everybody and anybody in his past. He cannot talk to many people: people he hook up with, people he met, people, God forbid, he just talked with. You do realize you cannot control him by telling him whom he can and cannot be friends with. Did the two of you mutually came to the decision to cut certain person/persons out of your lives or was it all your idea? You forbade him to talk to someone and he simply nodded? What's up with you going through his phone? You've wrote several times how he is not supposed to do something. This is very controlling indeed.

You don't have to like him talking and receiving messages from certain people but at the same time you don't have a right to cut some people out of his live. The more you forbid and demand, the more likely he is going to go there. Maybe he just reached the end of his rope with you. Perhaps he is too tired apologizing to you for something he didn't even do. I mean, the other person contacted him, not the other way around.

Perhaps he got too tired of your jealous, controlling ways and simply wants out of the relationship.

If I am wrong about you being too controlling, then it means that he has zero respect for you. He doesn't have at all about it. If such a case, end it.

July 13, 2020

16 minutes ago, Alvi said:

How old are you two? I could be wrong, don't know you after all, but you sound controlling based on what you've wrote. I can see you not wanting him to do anything with one person with whom he was messing around with but it seems like you have a problem with his past in general. With everybody and anybody in his past. He cannot talk to many people: people he hook up with, people he met, people, God forbid, he just talked with. You do realize you cannot control him by telling him whom he can and cannot be friends with. Did the two of you mutually came to the decision to cut certain person/persons out of your lives or was it all your idea? You forbade him to talk to someone and he simply nodded? What's up with you going through his phone? You've wrote several times how he is not supposed to do something. This is very controlling indeed.

You don't have to like him talking and receiving messages from certain people but at the same time you don't have a right to cut some people out of his live. The more you forbid and demand, the more likely he is going to go there. Maybe he just reached the end of his rope with you. Perhaps he is too tired apologizing to you for something he didn't even do. I mean, the other person contacted him, not the other way around.

Perhaps he got too tired of your jealous, controlling ways and simply wants out of the relationship. You've mentioned that you suffer from the anxiety. Is it possible that he is simply doesn't have it in him to reassure you time and time again that he is not cheating on you anymore. He simply doesn't want to walk around the eggshells anymore.

If I am wrong about you being too controlling, then it means that he has zero respect for you. He doesn't have at all about it. If such a case, end it.

But if a guy truly is a cheater, then just walk away. But do realize that you cannot change or control him. He is who he is.

Edited July 13, 2020 by Alvi

July 13, 2020

46 minutes ago, Meb88 said:

I don't know what to do next. Bringing it up will likely upset him. But I am a wreck

You walk and laugh when asks where you are going.

July 13, 2020

meb88, I hope this doesn't come off too harsh, but it boggles my mind that you don't know what to do here.

The others are right, he has zero respect for you, doesn't give a * about you, he sounds utterly horrible, mean and a bully!

I felt like throwing up just reading your post! When I read he lashed out and laughed at you when expressing how you felt, I nearly lost it.

What is keeping you there? Please don't say because you love him, what about the love you have, or should have, for yourself?

Edited July 13, 2020 by poppyfields

July 13, 2020

As the song goes....D...I....V...O...R...C...E. Screen shot all those messages, and find yourself a good lawyer, that will make him bleed.

July 13, 2020

IMO it's disrespectful and damaging to the relationship to be in frequent communication with several people he use to hook up with. I mean, why, what's the point? He's getting a thrill out of it. It's emotional cheating at least.

The fact that he laughed at you, when you told him you found it upsetting, shows he doesn't care about your feelings and is borderline emotionally abusive.

As he doesn't care about your feelings, doesn't care that he's hurting you, what's to say that he doesn't care about hooking up with these women while he's in a relationship with you? That's what is giving you anxiety.

If I were you, I'd tell him that I find it unacceptable and the relationship is over. You'll find your anxiety and ability to function greatly improves when you're not worrying about this.

Let us know what happens. You deserve someone who treats you better.

July 13, 2020

You do know what to do -- break up with him. You just don't want to.

You want him to stop being badly behaved. You want him to care about you. You want to live happily ever after. Unfortunately with him that is just a fairy tale that will never come true because he doesn't give a flying fig about you. Accept that. Then move on to a healthy relationship where your dreams can come true. He's a nightmare.

July 13, 2020

You do know what to do -- you cannot change him and it's clear he doesn't want to change. It sounds to me like he isn't your SO. He's just some guy that let's you tag around with him and likes the "convenience" of you.

You only have 2 options: 1) Continue to tag along with him and keep your mouth shut and let him walk all over you and your needs or 2) Dump his selfish ass and find a guy who really wants to be with you and treats you the way you should be treated.

July 13, 2020

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

How old are you two? I could be wrong, don't know you after all, but you sound controlling based on what you've wrote. I can see you not wanting him to do anything with one person with whom he was messing around with but it seems like you have a problem with his past in general. With everybody and anybody in his past. He cannot talk to many people: people he hook up with, people he met, people, God forbid, he just talked with. You do realize you cannot control him by telling him whom he can and cannot be friends with. Did the two of you mutually came to the decision to cut certain person/persons out of your lives or was it all your idea? You forbade him to talk to someone and he simply nodded? What's up with you going through his phone? You've wrote several times how he is not supposed to do something. This is very controlling indeed.

You don't have to like him talking and receiving messages from certain people but at the same time you don't have a right to cut some people out of his live. The more you forbid and demand, the more likely he is going to go there. Maybe he just reached the end of his rope with you. Perhaps he is too tired apologizing to you for something he didn't even do. I mean, the other person contacted him, not the other way around.

Perhaps he got too tired of your jealous, controlling ways and simply wants out of the relationship.

If I am wrong about you being too controlling, then it means that he has zero respect for you. He doesn't have at all about it. If such a case, end it.

It's not that I'm controlling. I'm not. It's that he continues to do this. He has sent pictures as well, Snapchat at least, but I don't know what the pictures were of. It's continued on until the point that I said 'absolutely no more of this . No contact with these 5 people'.

I mean, but isn't there some way to fix this situation? Some way to make him respect me and my feelings and our relationship? The issue I have with leaving is that in my mind, I feel like he will treat the next person he dates like a queen. Will he? I somehow doubt it. But, if so, why not treat me that way now?

July 13, 2020

Just now, Meb88 said:

It's not that I'm controlling. I'm not. It's that he continues to do this. He has sent pictures as well, Snapchat at least, but I don't know what the pictures were of. It's continued on until the point that I said 'absolutely no more of this . No contact with these 5 people'.

I mean, but isn't there some way to fix this situation? Some way to make him respect me and my feelings and our relationship? The issue I have with leaving is that in my mind, I feel like he will treat the next person he dates like a queen. Will he? I somehow doubt it. But, if so, why not treat me that way now?

I hate to break it to you, but when you try to enforce rules on an SO about who they can & can't have contact with that IS controlling.

In a quality healthy & respectful relationship each SO is expected to have good boundaries. While no one can control what other people send them, when you receive inappropriate pictures, it's time to dial back the interaction out of respect for your partner. If you have to tell a SO that it's bad form to allow an opposite sex "friend" to continue over the top flirting or sending racy pictures, that SO is not committed to you & you need to walk away. What you can't do is try to enforce your morality on somebody who doesn't share your ethics.

The only way to regain respect is to walk away & never look back. You can't "retrain" this guy to value you.

July 13, 2020

6 minutes ago, Meb88 said:

I mean, but isn't there some way to fix this situation? Some way to make him respect me and my feelings and our relationship? The issue I have with leaving is that in my mind, I feel like he will treat the next person he dates like a queen. Will he? I somehow doubt it. But, if so, why not treat me that way now?

Isn't that what you've been trying to do, fix this? You can't make someone respect you. They either do or they don't. He doesn't respect you. Stop trying to control the future. If he meets another girl and treats her better it will have nothing to do with you. But guess what? The guy that will treat you better is still out there so stop wasting time trying to make someone love you who clearly doesn't.

July 13, 2020

16 minutes ago, Meb88 said:

It's not that I'm controlling. I'm not. It's that he continues to do this. He has sent pictures as well, Snapchat at least, but I don't know what the pictures were of. It's continued on until the point that I said 'absolutely no more of this . No contact with these 5 people'.

I mean, but isn't there some way to fix this situation? Some way to make him respect me and my feelings and our relationship? The issue I have with leaving is that in my mind, I feel like he will treat the next person he dates like a queen. Will he? I somehow doubt it. But, if so, why not treat me that way now?

Because he doesn't respect you and by choosing to hang around tolerating his BS, and trying to "fix" things, he never will.

Yes its possible he may treat his next gf like a queen, why?

Because she values and respects herself by not tolerating any of the BS he dishes out, nor will she try to fix things when HE acts like an a-hole.

She'd rather leave than put up with his nonsense. She demonstrates that through words and action.

THAT is the type of women he will respect and treat like a queen.

However, that may be too late for you, he's already lost respect.

I'm sorry.

Edited July 13, 2020 by poppyfields

July 13, 2020

18 minutes ago, Meb88 said:

It's not that I'm controlling. I'm not. It's that he continues to do this. He has sent pictures as well, Snapchat at least, but I don't know what the pictures were of. It's continued on until the point that I said 'absolutely no more of this . No contact with these 5 people'.

I mean, but isn't there some way to fix this situation? Some way to make him respect me and my feelings and our relationship? The issue I have with leaving is that in my mind, I feel like he will treat the next person he dates like a queen. Will he? I somehow doubt it. But, if so, why not treat me that way now?

No, there isn't. This guy doesn't just disrespect you, he's throwing the breakup in your face (the remark about it being your last vacation together was not a joke). He sure as heck isn't telling the ladies on Snapchat that he's committed. This relationship is already over, but you're the last one to know it.

There's no way to tell how he'll treat his next girlfriend. Some people change, some people don't. But there is absolutely nothing you can do to make this man respect you. Go find someone who will.

July 13, 2020

You already did try to fix it and he continued to send/receive pictures and communicate with 5 other women. He doesn't want to fix it.

You've given him his chance already. How many chances are you going to give?

July 13, 2020

42 minutes ago, Meb88 said:

Imean, but isn't there some way to fix this situation? Some way to make him respect me and my feelings and our relationship?

No, hon. That ship sailed. He doesn’t care enough to bother making a serious effort.

When you reach this point, the relationship is dead in the water. It will only be a matter of time before he leaves, anyway. You need to let go, and do some serious work on your self-esteem. You can do better than a tool like this.

July 13, 2020

I personally believe every man has it in him to be a decent loving, respectful human being and boyfriend, even this bozo unless he's a sociopath.

I think a lot of that has to do with the woman, and if she inspires him to be those things by valuing and respecting herself first and foremost.

Sending him the covert message early on she is not one to be messed around with and will leave if she is.

I've known men who treated one girlfriend like utter cr*p and his next gf like a queen for those reasons.

OP, maybe see this as a lesson learned? For next boyfriend?

Don't be a doormat and never allow a man to believe you are too afraid to leave him and will put up with all sorts of nonsense to keep him. Including trying to fix.

Fastest way to lose his respect, which sadly I think is what happened here.

Edited July 13, 2020 by poppyfields

July 13, 2020

55 minutes ago, Meb88 said:

I mean, but isn't there some way to fix this situation?

It is only possible to fix a situation like this if he wants to. And he doesn't. Not even remotely. He no longer cares about upsetting you at all. This 'relationship' is a lost cause. The sooner you accept that, the better it will be for you.

July 13, 2020

If I were you I would just download tinder and start swiping. See what's out there and get some attention.... You don't have to be a saint and you don't have to suffer. You can do whatever you want at this point, it's practically over.

July 13, 2020

This relationship is over. You need to make sure of that.

July 13, 2020

1 hour ago, Meb88 said:

It's continued on until the point that I said 'absolutely no more of this . No contact with these 5 people'.

You should have said “absolutely no more of this” and then gone NC on him.......you still can!
Respect yourself more, cos this guy sure doesn’t sound it.

@Meb88 do you rely on this guy financially in any way? Also what made the photos he was sent “inappropriate”? Is it because they were other women?

You also asked how to make him respect you? Well, I’ll tell you- Tell him you’ve had enough if you catch him at it again , find somewhere to stay and go NC on him.
He will either realise that he values you, or he doesn’t. If he values you then he will have to respect you and acknowledge where he went wrong, to win you back, if he doesn’t then you’re free from a toxic relationship with someone that’s not treating you right

July 13, 2020

4 hours ago, Meb88 said:

Hello everyone, I am hoping to gain some insight regarding the issue I've been facing. Lately my anxiety is through the roof and I am having difficulty functioning.

My SO and I just came home from vacation while we were there a few things happened. The first thing that happened was I oversaw an incoming Snapchat he received. I recognized the name of the person sending it to him. He is not supposed to be in contact with this person at all. I asked why he didn't open the snap... Long story short, he opened it in front of me and it was not an appropriate picture to be receiving AT ALL, hence, why he is not supposed to have contact in the first place as they have had a prior physical encounter. He didn't want to discuss it with me and Instead said 'im over it. This is our last vacation together'.

The next day, I brought it up and told him how I was feeling about what had happened last night and also him saying 'this is our last vacation together'. He didn't apologize or show any remorse, nor did he remove the person from his Snapchat instead, he actually lashed out at me and said 'what do you want me to do? Apologize?' and laughed.

So what did I do? I went through his Snapchat and saw that he had been sending)receiving messages and snaps from SEVERAL other people who he had previously talked to/had met and/or hooked up with.

I don't know what to do next. Bringing it up will likely upset him. But I am a wreck

I think you need to let him and this relationship go.

Make the decision based on logic, don't let emotions cloud your judgement.

He does not sound committed to you at all. Sooner or later he will leave you without a second look back, and you will only feel a million times worse than you do now.

Let him get on with his single life, since hes pretty much acting single anyway.

Edited July 13, 2020 by Velvet teddy

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