How do you feel about approaching a women IRL?

[Happy Lemming]

51 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Pfff it’s  not that simple.  You need something to talk about.  

 

You walk all up to her and just ask her out you better be very good looking.

It actually is that simple... You talk about whatever the circumstances are in that environment.  Many years ago, I met a woman while standing in a long line trying to pay my utility bill.  I think I started out "One teller working and this long line, you'd think for what they charge us for power they could afford more than one teller" and then we chit-chatted while waiting and exchanged phone numbers.  I dated her for about 3 years +/-

No, I'm not all that good looking... I think I'm pretty average, which has worked for me.  Women like confident men, and dismiss fearful timid men who hide behind a keyboard.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

It actually is that simple... You talk about whatever the circumstances are in that environment.  Many years ago, I met a woman while standing in a long line trying to pay my utility bill.  I think I started out "One teller working and this long line, you'd think for what they charge us for power they could afford more than one teller" and then we chit-chatted while waiting and exchanged phone numbers.  I dated her for about 3 years +/-

No, I'm not all that good looking... I think I'm pretty average, which has worked for me.  Women like confident men, and dismiss fearful timid men who hide behind a keyboard.

 

Yes there are situations that can be created naturally...such as

 

waiting in long lines...

you are both are at the same location when some incident occurs you both see

at a concert or sporting event sitting near each other

it can also happen like at a bookstore cafe or restaurant and you hear something from a neighboring table that you know the answer to so you share it

there are others....

 

but 9 times out of 10 they are likely outdide your age range or already taken/married.

i have had success if something else initiated a conversation or there was a reason to talk.

this stuff was easier back in my 20s.  Today people are in their own world where any time someone waits in line out comes the cell phone. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Ami1uwant said:

but 9 times out of 10 they are likely outdide your age range or already taken/married.

OK, not a problem, so if I get a positive response 10% of the time... that is acceptable.  I mean what have I wasted if I talked to 10 people as I made my way through my day and 9 of them weren't interested. I've still enjoyed my day and I got to interact with some new people.

I also have to admit that 99.9% of the time when a woman rejects me, she is polite about it.  I can only think of a handful of times when the woman was rude.  And I've got thick skin, so rude doesn't bother me.

I also need to clarify that this was all before the pandemic.  Covid-19 has changed everything about talking to people in public. 

[felixmo755]

thanks everyone, I just find it crazy that 99.9% of dudes use dating apps nowadays, no one approaches strangers anymore 

[d0nnivain]

No one does.  Most people have no idea how to socially interact without a device.  

[felixmo755]

Do you guys know any good Youtube channels or blogs that talk about these things, anything you recommend? 

[homecoming]

On 7/14/2020 at 1:32 AM, snowboy91 said:

There are of course cultural effects to consider (even between English speaking countries), but my working assumption is that women don't want to be approached by guys in most situations (walking on the street gym, groceries,  etc). There may be some luck in dedicated social spaces like a bar, pub or even a cafe but even so your strike rate will be very low. Keep in mind you know nothing about whoever it is you're approaching - they may already have a partner, they may be a lesbian, they may be fresh out of a breakup and not want to date, or just too busy to want to talk to you.

If, despite all that, you still want to try the cold approach, then as Fox Sake said, you need to be confident. And not take yourself seriously. You probably will fail and fail badly, and it's probably going to be quite funny, so have a laugh about it and don't let it knock you down!

Most women don't want to be approached, this is correct. It's a very uncomfortable experience, and even more so if someone does it and says something like "I see you in here all the time" at a store or the gym. It's better to try and build connections with people you already know of, I think. Many women in the past have experienced unwanted contact from an overly persistent man, and this unfortunately makes women hesitant to engage with men who are strangers. 

Edited July 28, 2020 by homecoming

[d0nnivain]

If you want to talk to strangers, talk to strangers.  I see it as being friendly.  However, when you get clear signals that scream go away, don't make a pest of yourself.  Move alone.  

As homecoming pointed out overly persistent men are bad news but that should not discourage you or anybody else from being friendly.  Smiling & saying hi is not a bad thing in and of itself.   This is obviously much tougher with a mask on.  

You don't need a video or a blog. Just say hi . . .to everyone, women, men, children, dogs, aliens, everybody.  When you get more comfortable doing that & gaging various people's responses you will be better able to cold approach a woman you fancy 

Edited July 28, 2020 by d0nnivain

[felixmo755]

homecoming views seems misguided. It's not because some people behave badly that no one should do anything. They are bad example and plenty of good too.  It's about calibrating yourself. I was just wondering if you guys know about interesting sources thats all. 

[basil67]

I think @Happy Lemming could write really good post on this.   I've always found cold approaches awful, but that's because the guys have gone in with *obvious* goal of asking me out.  HL however, has a goal of connecting and yes, it's exactly the kind of approach which would work with me.....especially as I too am the kind who will strike up a conversation with someone in a queue or a pool or a person who's obviously lost.

What is most telling about HL is that even if the approach doesn't work, he still values simply having made a brief connection with someone  Compare that to a guy who's mad or frustrated because he keeps talking to strange women and nothing comes of it - HL's attitude will win every time.   

[basil67]

1 hour ago, felixmo755 said:

homecoming views seems misguided. It's not because some people behave badly that no one should do anything. They are bad example and plenty of good too.  It's about calibrating yourself. I was just wondering if you guys know about interesting sources thats all. 

No, @homecoming is not misguided.  It's absolutely true that a lot of women don't want to be approached and get their backs up.  This is because so many men miss the mark.  A guy does have to 'read the room' so to speak.  If she's got ear buds in, leave her be.  If she's reading her phone or a book, leave her be.  If she's walking with purpose, then leave her be.   If she's in a cafe with her head down, leave her be.    If she sees you and doesn't smile at you, leave her be.   

But when you do see someone who's looking approachable, approach her as a human, not as a woman you want to date.    Even if you're asking her out because you think she's beautiful, don't let her know that.  Lead with conversation so that she gets the feeling that you are interested in more than her looks.  

[homecoming]

1 hour ago, felixmo755 said:

homecoming views seems misguided. It's not because some people behave badly that no one should do anything. They are bad example and plenty of good too.  It's about calibrating yourself. I was just wondering if you guys know about interesting sources thats all. 

I think everyone knows that one bad experience doesn’t mean everyone’s the same. 

As a woman, with women in my family and friend group, as well as reading about countless experiences of unwanted contact by men, I don’t think my view is misguided at all. I had to move house because a man that saw me in the street often took to following me around and trying to pressure me into a date, and that ended in him being inappropriate. I also had to switch job roles because a customer would come in and ask me to go out with him while I was stuck on the shop floor, which was highly uncomfortable and interfered with my work. 

That sort of experience is shared by many women. You will never have been privy to hearing about them or witnessing them, because you’re a guy. I think you believe that women should be flattered by attention.

You want “interesting sources” but it sounds like you are dismissing the actual views and needs of women, and are seeking views to reinforce your own views.
 

Basil is correct on that you must read the room, and not just approach someone because YOU like them. You have to consider them and what they might want, too.

Edited July 28, 2020 by homecoming

[Wiseman2]

You need to make small talk and build rapport. Just walking up to someone using pickup lines is creepy. Learn to be friendly and outgoing to a variety of people.

[mark clemson]

I agree with the advice to appear as confident and as good looking as possible.

Although there are never guarantees, I'd strongly suggest waiting for a signal from the woman, rather than simply "approaching". This will often take the form of a smile (often a big, broad smile, if she really finds you appealing), slightly lingering eye contact, a nod or other gesture of acknowledgement, or her actually starting the brief conversation.

You need to be attractive** (or at least it helps a whole lot) to get these kinds of flirty signals from women, but it's often an "all clear" to approach and start that conversation. Just talk about whatever comes to mind, as you would with a guy, at first. If the conversation seems to go well, you could end with "You seem really nice. Could I get your number?" and see if she accepts. If she does, then when you call/text, try to set up a coffee date. Then a dinner date if the coffee date went well.

**Be aware that attraction is a bit more complicated for women and there seems to be a lot of variance. I strongly suspect that nothing works for every woman but things to work on:

- Face (so manscaping/nice haircut)

- Clothes (at least decent clothes, not ratty that fit well; jeans and a t-shirt actually work for me, but I have big shoulders and work out regularly, so they "work")

- Physical fitness (not nearly as important as with men, but still counts)

- Life skills and talents - don't brag, but it's probably a plus to mention your skills and/or excellent career prospects at some point along the way (but probably not forced into an initial conversations)

- Having an "alpha" behavioral vibe while also being nice - seem like a confident, intelligent and saavy leader but also interested in her and at least potentially a caring sort of guy

- Body language - according to A Billion Wicked Thoughts, some woman are attracted to the mannerisms of alpha males. Try to have an air of "casual dominance". Also as ridiculous as it sounds, try to develop a sexy walk. Some women are attracted to how men walk and I know from personal experience and a bit of experimentation that some women can get very attracted to a sexy walk. Men who can get women turned on simply by walking into a room are a bit of a rarity, so IF you can master this, it will get you noticed by the women who are sensitive to it.

Extremely important beyond initial attraction is how well you relate to the woman. None of the above will matter much if your social skills appear very off (unless she's looking for a fixer-upper) so be sure to roll with the conversation.

Edited July 29, 2020 by mark clemson

[chillii]

On 7/14/2020 at 5:08 AM, Emilie Jolie said:

You can follow @Fox Sake's excellent advice.

When travel allows and if you get the chance, go to Italy or France and observe how they do it (or watch youtube videos, there's bound to be a few) - the guys there have it in their blood.

A lot of this is cultural, I think, though I must warn you that even there it's being phased out as women are more and more vocal about not appreciating it so much (I didn't like it at all in my younger days).

Whatever you decide to do, do not attempt anything too obvious - subtle and classy, that's what you're aiming for, and retreat quickly if you see she's not interested.

Good luck!

 

l would imagine in a place like the US not to many men would be interested in even bothering in that way or stupid enough,  the women seem to have killed any chance of that kind of thing off well and truly these days by the sounds, he'd have to be pretty desperate.

Here if l was single sure if she was so special l just had to try given the opportunity but that'd be about all and she'd be a rare one . Friends that do though have often said she's usually either married or bf'ded up anyway so it sounds too hit and miss to me.

 

Edited July 29, 2020 by chillii

[Emilie Jolie]

9 hours ago, chillii said:

Here if l was single sure if she was so special l just had to try given the opportunity but that'd be about all and she'd be a rare one .

That's a cool attitude to have, chillii. Women tend to suss out professional smooth talkers who will try it on with any woman with a pulse in the hope that one says yes eventually. Not great, in my experience. 

It's a different vibe when, as you say, you make a special effort for someone who really genuinely made an impression on you.

[OatsAndHall]

Cold calling works and it was never difficult for me to pick up a date by doing so. What's the worse thing hat can happen if you randomly ask a woman out? They reject you. Oh well, you just move on and ask another woman out. Unless you're agoraphobic, there's a good chance you run across the same women on a daily basis in your routine. Make friendly conversation and then ask them out. 

[felixmo755]

Got recommended this video today and it made me think of this thread, quite insightful:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZAgGiDf2lo

 

 

Edited August 6, 2020 by felixmo755