Online dating and meeting up

July 13, 2020

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

First thing I thought of too...

It's funny (weird funny, not haha funny) but my bf did same (exactly 4 days) before we met, I posted about it earlier.

I was the one who reached out, and he immediately responded, like within 10 minutes.

He was a bit of a player before we met, dated around, multi-dated.

Gotta admit, at the time, I thought it might be some sort of PUA game too, I still think it might have been!

It worked out though, we're still together.

Who knows, he'd never admit to it I don't think.

Edited July 13, 2020 by poppyfields

July 13, 2020

1 hour ago, pinkpaw said:

He's 37.

It was my idea to go for a walk. He initially suggested a day out at a nearby seaside-y town but I didn't like the thought of not being able to escape easily if we didn't get along. He is saying now he can drive over tomorrow (he doesn't live in my city) for a walk/picnic. I thought since he is willing to drive, I can give him the benefit of the doubt and see how we get on tomorrow in person, it might give me more to go off.

See he is interested in you!

Driving to see you, when you live in another city takes effort.

Don't over analyse too much at this point.

Let us know how it goes

July 13, 2020

Watching a friend go through this at present. Contact is really important to her, and she's found that the guys who are poor communicators upfront stay poor communicators. So, she's gotten to the point of writing off the kind of guy who wouldn't make contact for four days and I don't blame her. Seriously, why would a woman even bother putting a bra on to go and meet a guy who can't initiate a 'hey, how was your day?' or "looking forward to meeting you" text between initial contact and a date? It's OK write off guys who behave in this way.

Above woman has now met a man who's keen and actively messages. She feels drawn to this and is delighted.

Don't settle for a guy who's communication style leaves you feeling uneasy. There are men out there who are good communicators, so wait for what you want.

Edited July 13, 2020 by basil67

July 13, 2020

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Watching a friend go through this at present. Contact is really important to her, and she's found that the guys who are poor communicators upfront stay poor communicators. So, she's gotten to the point of writing off the kind of guy who wouldn't make contact for four days and I don't blame her. Seriously, why would a woman even bother putting a bra on to go and meet a guy who can't initiate a 'hey, how was your day?' or "looking forward to meeting you" text between initial contact and a date? It's OK write off guys who behave in this way.

Above woman has now met a man who's keen and actively messages. She feels drawn to this and is delighted.

Don't settle for a guy who's communication style leaves you feeling uneasy. There are men out there who are good communicators, so wait for what you want.

This is the thing and I would have to agree..

Especially when if things remain bad - people who usually say 'give them a chance' are likely to then say 'well why did you not pick up on it when he wasn't making an effort at the beginning and why did you stick around, you should look inwards to see what attracts you to someone who displays poor communication from the onset'

July 13, 2020

36 minutes ago, Velvet teddy said:

See he is interested in you!

Driving to see you, when you live in another city takes effort.

Don't over analyse too much at this point.

Let us know how it goes

We'll see what happens tomorrow, i'll report back after.

Will still keep my reservations for now.

July 14, 2020

3 hours ago, pinkpaw said:

I didn't like it either.

I know everyone is saying he doesn't owe me anything etc etc. I'm not suggesting he does. But what i DO think is when you are serious about getting to know someone - you'll both put in the effort to talk and get to know each other, and generally, both be excited at getting to know each other, and you'll do it cus you want to? Those were my intuitive vibes until the replies on here today.

I'm in the same boat. I thought this guy may have been into me but he wasn't.

July 14, 2020

4 hours ago, pinkpaw said:

But what i DO think

Understand that some people will not think the same way you do. Doesn't make them wrong: makes them not the right person for you... and as you said, you have a tendency to invest way too much way before any declaration on their part as far as you're concerned has been made. The guy may not have the same feelings for you as you do for them, especially someone he's never seen in the flesh, but you're already off to the races.

Edited July 14, 2020 by kendahke

July 14, 2020

I'm not sure anything means anything right now: I've had a couple of crappy weeks with the pandemic and just stopped chatting, I don't want to talk to a new love interest about depressing stuff! We didn't text for a week, now we're texting again, it'll either stick or not, it's not even possible to meet up where I live for right now.

Good luck @pinkpaw

July 14, 2020

I don't get this. If you need more contact than once every 4 days send him a message. I get you want him to chase but it isn't the end of the world if you put in a little bit of effort.

The other thing is 4 days for a guy not messaging someone is nothing. I don't know how your brain goes to he's messaging other girls and thats the reason - I also think that kind of thinking is unhealthy. I'm a 35 y/o guy and I'd be happy to be constantly talking to one women at a time - I couldn't imagine having more than one. Maybe when I was younger and made friends easier (it seems to get more difficult the older I get).

July 14, 2020

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

Watching a friend go through this at present. Contact is really important to her, and she's found that the guys who are poor communicators upfront stay poor communicators. So, she's gotten to the point of writing off the kind of guy who wouldn't make contact for four days and I don't blame her. Seriously, why would a woman even bother putting a bra on to go and meet a guy who can't initiate a 'hey, how was your day?' or "looking forward to meeting you" text between initial contact and a date? It's OK write off guys who behave in this way.

Above woman has now met a man who's keen and actively messages. She feels drawn to this and is delighted.

Don't settle for a guy who's communication style leaves you feeling uneasy. There are men out there who are good communicators, so wait for what you want.

There are guys who communicate a lot at the beginning but communication can become infrequent later.

It all depends. Sometimes you can't always tell.

July 14, 2020

Hi guys, just got back from the date.

This site keeps logging me out randomly, whyyy

July 14, 2020

i'm trying to type out an update but keep getting logged out grrrr

July 14, 2020

Your current email address is no longer accepting email, please enter your new email address to continue. ----- this message keeps popping up everytime i try to post?

July 14, 2020

On 7/13/2020 at 7:46 AM, pinkpaw said:

Thanks for the replies guys, this is helpful.

poppyfields - it puts me off because of the same thing you describe feeling when your now bf didn't contact you for 4 days - I don't like feeling like I might set myself up for anxiety like that and this is what bad communication reminds me of. So far, its new and early days so its ok but I suppose I'm looking pre-emptively and trying to figure out the likelihood of being ignored after getting to know him and liking him. I don't want to put myself up for that. Your story was sweet though, and is a reminder that things in real life don't always follow the rulebook.

I think your mindset is totally in the right place to set you up for getting what you want. That said, it's still bound to be hard at times and confusing at times. Poppy's story is a good example of how being flexible and not relying on arbitrary time frames to leave her open to a date with a guy that turned out to be just what she wanted. If it's not unreasonable or disrespectful that he hasn't been in touch, I think you don't have enough information to "call it" just yet. One of the guys above (sorry I liked the post but can't remember who said it), recommended going out with the guy the first time and deciding from there. The power to continue or not continue still is YOUR power so if you don't know there is no harm in making yourself sure by gathering more information so that you can be certain about whatever decision you make.

Also it was said that various people don't necessarily process their communication style at this stage of the game (OLD, haven't had first date yet) all the same. I think an openness to understanding that this might be exactly what is going on, helps you. All dating requires some risk. If you can rely on yourself to manage the risk, you are in as good of a position as you can expect to be. You can manage the risk by:

*Throwing out absolute dealbreaker people, Cut those relationships (at whatever stage)

*Gather more information if you don't know yet (chance it could be a good thing, chance it could not be)

*when you have enough incompatibilities, walk away (that's always an option)

*don't correlate possible red flags to being CERTAIN red flags when there may or may not be a correlation AND you still have the power of choice.

To me, the bolded ones are what is going on now so it would make sense that you should go on the first date to see, barring any personality or other issues with this guy, that is the choice that both minimizes your risk, while giving you an opportunity (ie not removing an opportunity) for the best possible outcome. Good luck

* ps how boring would life be if your only choice was a guy who managed contact via OLD perfectly but was substandard to what you wanted as you got to know him. Just a thought

Edited July 14, 2020 by Versacehottie

July 15, 2020

Hi guys,

Think I have sorted out the issue with my email address now so hopefully I don't get logged out halfway through typing this.

So the date yesterday - he drove over an hour to my city and turned up with lots of things for a walk/picnic. I wasn't sure if we were going casual or not, so i got some fruit and some crisps, things we could eat whilst walking. He had made a far bigger effort, had got wine, cheese, baguette, mini cakes and a picnic blanket. He was very polite, well-mannered, a goose kept coming up and invading my personal space haha, at one point literally mms away from my leg so that created something to laugh about. We spoke about a lot of things - he is very analytical which for my INFJ tendencies, I quite liked that as I struggle with the obligatory small talk usually seen on first dates. I did at times get a bit intimidated - he is from a much better background and is VERY well-read, I was able to hold my own but the thing that is unknown territory is I've only really dated guys who don't think as much as me - i always felt like it was a problem and i overthink and tried to tow it whereas it was a little bit bizarre seeing a date put it out there unapologetically, it felt like i was out of practice since ive trained myself to 'dial it down' on first meetings.

The communication thing did come up - kind of. We talked about our experiences on the dating app and he said he doesn't usually have an online presence, but tried the app out due to lockdown as a social experiment. Said he hadn't really found many conversations that kept going although he'd gotten plenty of baking tips through talking about food haha. Then he said 'i think some people do find it a bit annoying that i take ages to reply' (i looked at him thinking, yeah no kidding). Then later asked me what traits i was looking for in a partner and without hesitating i said 'communication very important' (no point beating about the bush).

I couldn't stay too long as I had plans for the evening, as we were leaving, the wine got to my head a little bit and i commented something about his cute dimple. He then said he thinks im attractive but he's shy and doesn't know if its okay to say he wants to kiss me. We had a little kiss and a hug and then as we parted he said something about him texting me or i text him details are fuzzy since i think i had gotten tipsy at that point.

So yeah. That was it. I haven't messaged nor him i, but i kinda am at ease now, not really thinking about it. It was a fun date and yeah, dunno, just not really overly fussed what happens.

Edited July 15, 2020 by pinkpaw

July 15, 2020

Sounds pretty good. I'm just going to go with an obvious, is that you should text him to thank him for the date & that you had fun. It's so standard that not doing it almost creates the insecurity that the person doesn't want to see you again etc. And it's just good manners regardless.

July 15, 2020

Another vote for a thank you text. In these times that text is obligatory. If it doesn't come most men take that as a lack of interest on the woman's part & won't pursue.

You'd be freaking out if the roles were reversed so the ball is on your court.

July 15, 2020

I took the above advice and messaged a thank you. We texted back and forth after. He said he had a lovely time too.

July 15, 2020

Good for you. Fingers crossed that he asks for another date if that is what you want.

July 15, 2020

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Good for you. Fingers crossed that he asks for another date if that is what you want.

Yeah, I would like to, just not sure still about this communication thing - its ok for now in the early stages, but just don't want it to be an indicator for long-term habits. But I'm happy to as people said, give it a go and keep him as a dating contender and see what happens over time.

July 15, 2020

As you get to know each other better, you can ask for more. Asking now is simply too early, Now it would be clingy & bad. Later it's simply part of how you define commitment. You shouldn't want a man who smothers you in the beginning.

July 16, 2020

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

As you get to know each other better, you can ask for more. Asking now is simply too early, Now it would be clingy & bad. Later it's simply part of how you define commitment. You shouldn't want a man who smothers you in the beginning.

Yeah I agree with this^^^

You can keep your eyes open and observe. No "talk" at this point, which btw, I would say would probably be just lip service if you got him to say what you want to hear (best case scenario which still isn't good) or running the other way (worst case).

I think part of the observation is the sort of thing that happened today. You messaged him to say thanks and seems like he was quite happy to carry on a conversation.

I just have to say since so much of this is made with regards to dating in those first crucial weeks and can go so wrong because of mismanaged expectations etc is that one thing to take into account is a lot of people (especially guys) are more "in-the-moment" types. This kind of lines up with what happened with him today. Happy to carry on a conversation after you reached out to thank him. The previous days when you were disappointed you didn't hear from him, my guess is that you didn't because a date had been set up--in his mind no need to chit chat mindless on text, phone etc, better to do it in person. Usually as people are more a part of each other's day to day life communication increases.

Agreed to the bolded. Lol, i don't get wanting the daily good morning call from some guy a person hasn't met yet from an app or OLD. It's a little fake and smothery. So the guy who does this knows the drill but is not any more genuine than the guy who knows it but refuses to be fake and contacts when he genuinely feels it. No one really knows what that is an indicator of what future communication will be only that the smothery guy knows how to play the OLD game. It's false IMO.

Lastly, I think guys who leave it until the date are often using better judgement than guys/girls who want a lot of contact before you've even met for the first time.

Good luck

July 16, 2020

16 hours ago, pinkpaw said:

Yeah, I would like to, just not sure still about this communication thing - its ok for now in the early stages, but just don't want it to be an indicator for long-term habits. But I'm happy to as people said, give it a go and keep him as a dating contender and see what happens over time.

Good luck with it.

Hope it goes the way you want.

July 17, 2020

Thanks guys.

July 17, 2020

On 7/16/2020 at 4:27 AM, Versacehottie said:

Yeah I agree with this^^^

You can keep your eyes open and observe. No "talk" at this point, which btw, I would say would probably be just lip service if you got him to say what you want to hear (best case scenario which still isn't good) or running the other way (worst case).

I think part of the observation is the sort of thing that happened today. You messaged him to say thanks and seems like he was quite happy to carry on a conversation.

I just have to say since so much of this is made with regards to dating in those first crucial weeks and can go so wrong because of mismanaged expectations etc is that one thing to take into account is a lot of people (especially guys) are more "in-the-moment" types. This kind of lines up with what happened with him today. Happy to carry on a conversation after you reached out to thank him. The previous days when you were disappointed you didn't hear from him, my guess is that you didn't because a date had been set up--in his mind no need to chit chat mindless on text, phone etc, better to do it in person. Usually as people are more a part of each other's day to day life communication increases.

Agreed to the bolded. Lol, i don't get wanting the daily good morning call from some guy a person hasn't met yet from an app or OLD. It's a little fake and smothery. So the guy who does this knows the drill but is not any more genuine than the guy who knows it but refuses to be fake and contacts when he genuinely feels it. No one really knows what that is an indicator of what future communication will be only that the smothery guy knows how to play the OLD game. It's false IMO.

Lastly, I think guys who leave it until the date are often using better judgement than guys/girls who want a lot of contact before you've even met for the first time.

Good luck

This is really wise, you made lots of good points in there.

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