Online dating and meeting up

[pinkpaw]

Hi everyone, 

Wanted a bit of advice if possible. 

I've dipped my toe in online dating apps, and have been talking to a few different people. There was one guy who we messaged back and forth and had a first 'virtual' date via phone call last week. We said we'd arrange to go for a walk, and i said i'd be free last weekend/this week and he said he would be too, and he told me 'let me know when works for you, no pressure'. I said the weekend is good. We spoke abit about other things - his family's dog being unwell, and my work.  He then didnt message back for 4 days which is a turn off for me - I like consistency. Not to say message me every minute of the day but i've been there, done that with the poor communication and I'm keen to avoid that. He texts me this afternoon saying hey and if i'd fancy that walk to let him know. Also, ghosting happens a lot in online apps so i figured that's what happened and after initial disappointment, essentially binned the idea off.

I'm not too sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, I want to learn from my past experiences and not get caught up in people without the same values especially communication. On the other, I don't want to be too 'red flag this, red flag that'. But it really is a turn off and a sign of bad outcomes in my honest opinion if someone is already being a bit rubbish with communication. And that's my main aim, I want to find a good partner who I can form a long lasting relationship with. I'm 31 and would like to settle down. What do people here think? Should I give him a chance or throw him out with the bathwater at this stage? 

[Andy_K]

Poor communication in OLD normally means they're talking to (or already dating) someone else who's a higher priority, and have correspondingly lowered interest in you. He's contacted you after a gap either as breadcrumbing to keep you around as a backup, or as his other plans didn't work out. Neither of those shines a positive light on the chances of him being a future long term relationship partner for you. If you are still talking to others, I'd suggest focusing on their potential instead.

[nospam99]

LOL. male 66 here, 2+ years on OLD, all web sites, no phone apps. 4 days is nothing. I vote 'give him a chance'. Right now, based on your report of the history of communication,it seems he sent the most recent text. Also based on your OP, the two of you haven't even met IRL yet. If you don't respond, you are the one ghosting. Edited July 13, 2020 by nospam99

[pinkpaw]

nospam99 - yes but if I give him a chance and respond now, surely that just gives him the idea that 4 days ignoring is ok? I'm big on this because after being with someone who was extraodinarily bad at communicating - much of the advice was 'learn better and take notice of someone's habits from the beginning to avoid getting caught up'. I don't want 'i'm AWOL for 4 days then back suddenly' as a pattern. Which is why I'm inclined to believe Andy_K, even though it is very cynical. 

[Velvet teddy]

18 minutes ago, pinkpaw said:

nospam99 - yes but if I give him a chance and respond now, surely that just gives him the idea that 4 days ignoring is ok? I'm big on this because after being with someone who was extraodinarily bad at communicating - much of the advice was 'learn better and take notice of someone's habits from the beginning to avoid getting caught up'. I don't want 'i'm AWOL for 4 days then back suddenly' as a pattern. Which is why I'm inclined to believe Andy_K, even though it is very cynical. 

You guys haven't met yet. So really he hasnt got a chance to know you and like you properly and vice versa.

Its too early to say i think.

Meet him in person and put your best foot forward ..then see what happens. 

Following  that it shouldnt take too long to figure out if he's someone you want to know further or not and vice versa.

 

[Mrin]

Short answer: give him a chance 

Long answer: despite conventional wisdom on this site, it is pretty easy for a guy to start talking to a bunch of different women on OLD. Right now you are just a name and some pics to him. The level of communication is pretty low at this stage. And you two had agreed to play it by ear anyhow. So I would give him a chance to meet in person. If, after that, he still shows the same level of communication then move along.

[poppyfields]

pinkpaw, I agree with others that 4 days NC is not a huge deal prior to meeting in person. 

I met my bf on line, and I recall him not contacting me for 4 days (exactly) prior to meeting.

Yeah I recall feeling quite anxious about it cause I liked him, so what I did was send him a gif and he responded within 10 minutes!  

We've been together almost 3 years. 

That said, in your particular situation, I see no point in "giving him another chance." 

Why?  Because you said it turned you off. So given that you are turned off, why would you?

I could advise you to lower expectations or whatever, but no one ever does, we like what we like, we expect what we expect.

So if it turns you off when a man goes NC for 4 days, I don't envision that mindset changing much no matter what others think. 

It's funny, when my now bf didn't contact me for 4 days, I posted about it on a different forum.  

And folks on that forum told me it was a huge red flag, to run for the hills, guy was a flake!  And that I'd end up with a broken heart if I pursued it.

Well, I stayed true to myself, I did not follow their advice and sent the gif, and here we are almost 3 years later!  

Stay true to yourself!  True to what you like and need and also to the types of things that turn you off.  Like this.

It's ok, I've been turned off by less.  I think we all have.  

 

 

Edited July 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[pinkpaw]

Thanks for the replies guys, this is helpful. 

poppyfields - it puts me off because of the same thing you describe feeling when your now bf didn't contact you for 4 days - I don't like feeling like I might set myself up for anxiety like that and this is what bad communication reminds me of. So far, its new and early days so its ok but I suppose I'm looking pre-emptively and trying to figure out the likelihood of being ignored after getting to know him and liking him. I don't want to put myself up for that. Your story was sweet though, and is a reminder that things in real life don't always follow the rulebook. 

 

[ShyViolet]

You're seeing a problem with him because he didn't message you for 4 days?  He is not your boyfriend, you JUST met this guy on a dating app.  Is he already expected to message you every day?  That's a little unreasonable and that's a ridiculous reason to count someone out.  That doesn't necessarily mean he is going to have poor communication if he's in a relationship.

[Velvet teddy]

34 minutes ago, pinkpaw said:

Thanks for the replies guys, this is helpful. 

poppyfields - it puts me off because of the same thing you describe feeling when your now bf didn't contact you for 4 days - I don't like feeling like I might set myself up for anxiety like that and this is what bad communication reminds me of. So far, its new and early days so its ok but I suppose I'm looking pre-emptively and trying to figure out the likelihood of being ignored after getting to know him and liking him. I don't want to put myself up for that. Your story was sweet though, and is a reminder that things in real life don't always follow the rulebook. 

 

My point was that  you ain't official and nothings happened yet. Four days given the situation is minor.

Once/if things develop and you see its a pattern of his behaviour, then you can let it go. 

However saying all that  i can see how someone not replying to you can be annoying. Personally if i didnt know the guy from adam, it wouldn't really matter.

Set a date up and meet him in person. 

Edited July 13, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[poppyfields]

57 minutes ago, pinkpaw said:

Thanks for the replies guys, this is helpful. 

poppyfields - it puts me off because of the same thing you describe feeling when your now bf didn't contact you for 4 days - I don't like feeling like I might set myself up for anxiety like that and this is what bad communication reminds me of. 

I hear ya pinkpaw.  But what I've learned is that there is always going to be at least a little anxiety in early stages while you both navigate your way towards connecting and commitment. 

The key is to learn how to manage your anxiety to avoid freak outs and running away.  

My bf and I had many ups and downs in those precarious and uncertain early stages, and for me, many anxious moments as well. But the love was there so we worked through them.  

Those anxious moments are few and far between now.  

There is a difference between feeling "turned off" and "anxious" and what I am sensing now is that you were not so much turned off, but anxious and fearful, and you saying you were turned off was a defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt. 

Life, relationships are all a risk.  No guarantees.  And there is no way to avoid getting hurt.  Even men who are consistent texting every day, can break your heart. 

Bottom line, if you are unable to manage your fears and anxieties effectively so you don't run off, then maybe stop dating for a bit to determine why?

I did! Did me a world of good!

 

  

Edited July 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[pinkpaw]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

You're seeing a problem with him because he didn't message you for 4 days?  He is not your boyfriend, you JUST met this guy on a dating app.  Is he already expected to message you every day?  That's a little unreasonable and that's a ridiculous reason to count someone out.  That doesn't necessarily mean he is going to have poor communication if he's in a relationship.

I know, I'm just remembering all the times many, many people advised me to watch out for warning signs earlier with a previous bad communicator and I now am at risk of overly looking for the smallest hint of red flags as prophylactic measures. You do have a point. 

[pinkpaw]

29 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I hear ya pinkpaw.  But what I've learned is that there is always going to be at least a little anxiety in early stages while you both navigate your way towards connecting and commitment. 

The key is to learn how to manage your anxiety to avoid freak outs and running away.  

My bf and I had many ups and downs in those precarious and uncertain early stages, and for me, many anxious moments as well. But the love was there so we worked through them.  

Those anxious moments are few and far between now.  

There is a difference between feeling "turned off" and "anxious" and what I am sensing now is that you were not so much turned off, but anxious and fearful, and you saying you were turned off was a defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt. 

Life, relationships are all a risk.  No guarantees.  And there is no way to avoid getting hurt.  Even men who are consistent texting every day, can break your heart. 

Bottom line, if you are unable to manage your fears and anxieties effectively so you don't run off, then maybe stop dating for a bit to determine why?

I did! Did me a world of good! 

Yes, this is it. A therapist pointed out the same thing to me a while ago and suggested things to try - i.e. not running away and I spent some time away from dating whilst I evaluated my patterns. I'm dipping my toe in now, as I feel - or thought - I felt more settled but I guess anxieties pop up anyway when these situations arise. I do have defense mechanisms not to get hurt. I think I might sit on it for a while longer and see what I want to do. I can take days off to reply, too. 

Edited July 13, 2020 by pinkpaw
incorrect format

[d0nnivain]

If your BF didn't get in touch with you for 4 days after a pattern of more frequent communication that would be indicative of a problem. 

The fact that you made a date with a stranger & that person didn't contact you for 4 days is no big deal.  Take it as a sign that he's independent (vs co-dependent) & has a life (rather then is desperate).    The fact that you are upset about 4 measly days makes me question your level of independence.  

Think of it more like a meeting / appointment.  You make an appointment to go see your doctor next week.  The doctor's office doesn't contact you frequently in between.  They call you the night before & that's it. 

Once you start dating & become a couple or at least are on the way to becoming a couple then you can start setting terms about how often you want to communicate. 

For now assume the best, that he's simply not smothering you, which is a good thing.  Expect the worst, that he really is a multi-dating, flaky commitment phobe, but go on the date with an open mind.  

[pinkpaw]

45 minutes ago, Velvet teddy said:

My point was that  you ain't official and nothings happened yet. Four days given the situation is minor.

Once/if things develop and you see its a pattern of his behaviour, then you can let it go. 

However saying all that  i can see how someone not replying to you can be annoying. Personally if i didnt know the guy from adam, it wouldn't really matter.

Set a date up and meet him in person. 

It really is easier to not care when you dont know them well. I found myself warming to him after our first 'virtual' date and that scared me. i know it doesn't mean we've met but in COVID era, its the best we could do.

[pinkpaw]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

If your BF didn't get in touch with you for 4 days after a pattern of more frequent communication that would be indicative of a problem. 

The fact that you made a date with a stranger & that person didn't contact you for 4 days is no big deal.  Take it as a sign that he's independent (vs co-dependent) & has a life (rather then is desperate).    The fact that you are upset about 4 measly days makes me question your level of independence.  

Think of it more like a meeting / appointment.  You make an appointment to go see your doctor next week.  The doctor's office doesn't contact you frequently in between.  They call you the night before & that's it. 

Once you start dating & become a couple or at least are on the way to becoming a couple then you can start setting terms about how often you want to communicate. 

For now assume the best, that he's simply not smothering you, which is a good thing.  Expect the worst, that he really is a multi-dating, flaky commitment phobe, but go on the date with an open mind.  

Thank you, this is useful. 

[kendahke]

Don't expect devotion out of strangers you haven't even met in person.
The time to start looking for consistency is after you two have decided that you both want to pursue more.

Had he contacted you the way you're inferring, you'd be talking about how he was love bombing you and that it made you feel uncomfortable.

Edited July 13, 2020 by kendahke

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

For me, personally, we have to have a really strong connection after Facetime for me to meet up with you, idk why, but its very easy to fall for somebody over face time, but its also very easy to disqualify them, even as a dude.. Sometimes you project a certain vibe in your images, like maybe you got pictures and your like a bad ass, tatted up hot chick and then you answer face time and your all bubbly and innocent.

I think the first impression when you first see somebody sets the tone for the rest of your interactions, but there are also initial impressions and those are made by us based on what we see and we what associate those things with.

 4 days with no contact, sounds very deliberate. Too deliberate. Like PuA deliberate. I don't like it.

I was vibing with this guy a bit until you mentioned you are in your 30's... This behavior is definitely not becoming of a 30 year old man, especially if he is also looking to settle down, like he just sets the tone by not contacting you? Then contacts you and asks to go for a walk, hehe.

Any other time, I would say a walk is a bit suspect, but I guess with strange times, how else are we to meet strangers? I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But if you want to continue, you definitely need to communicate to him that 4 days of no contact bothered you. 

 

Edited July 13, 2020 by CAPSLOCK BANDIT

[pinkpaw]

37 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

For me, personally, we have to have a really strong connection after Facetime for me to meet up with you, idk why, but its very easy to fall for somebody over face time, but its also very easy to disqualify them, even as a dude.. Sometimes you project a certain vibe in your images, like maybe you got pictures and your like a bad ass, tatted up hot chick and then you answer face time and your all bubbly and innocent.

I think the first impression when you first see somebody sets the tone for the rest of your interactions, but there are also initial impressions and those are made by us based on what we see and we what associate those things with.

 4 days with no contact, sounds very deliberate. Too deliberate. Like PuA deliberate. I don't like it.

I was vibing with this guy a bit until you mentioned you are in your 30's... This behavior is definitely not becoming of a 30 year old man, especially if he is also looking to settle down, like he just sets the tone by not contacting you? Then contacts you and asks to go for a walk, hehe.

Any other time, I would say a walk is a bit suspect, but I guess with strange times, how else are we to meet strangers? I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But if you want to continue, you definitely need to communicate to him that 4 days of no contact bothered you. 

 

He's 37. 

It was my idea to go for a walk. He initially suggested a day out at a nearby seaside-y town but I didn't like the thought of not being able to escape easily if we didn't get along. He is saying now he can drive over tomorrow (he doesn't live in my city) for a walk/picnic. I thought since he is willing to drive, I can give him the benefit of the doubt and see how we get on tomorrow in person, it might give me more to go off. 

[pinkpaw]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

Don't expect devotion out of strangers you haven't even met in person.
The time to start looking for consistency is after you two have decided that you both want to pursue more.

Had he contacted you the way you're inferring, you'd be talking about how he was love bombing you and that it made you feel uncomfortable.

That makes sense. I guess I can just notice my tendency to run away before it reaches the point of wanting to pursue more if I see any sign of potential disappointment. Because by that point, generally there's a bit more invested, right? I am aware this isn't particularly healthy - to always want to find reasons to run - which is why I thought I'd seek objective advice here. My therapist has encouraged me to not always give in to urges of disappearing. 

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, pinkpaw said:

That makes sense. I guess I can just notice my tendency to run away before it reaches the point of wanting to pursue more if I see any sign of potential disappointment. Because by that point, generally there's a bit more invested, right? I am aware this isn't particularly healthy - to always want to find reasons to run - which is why I thought I'd seek objective advice here. My therapist has encouraged me to not always give in to urges of disappearing. 

It's interesting reading posts explaining why some people run. 

Many folks believe when a man (or woman) disappears and runs, the interest was low or not there at all.

Or they were multi-dating and found someone they liked better.  

Now we discover (and you're not the first) is that the reason they run is not because their interest was low or they found someone else, but rather because their interest was high, they started developing real feelings and that scared them.  Increased anxiety to the point they needed to run away, often ending the relationship to find relief. 

Some would define this as classic "commitmentphobia" which I won't but do find it all very interesting!  

Good luck pinkpaw!

 

Edited July 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[pinkpaw]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It's interesting reading posts explaining why some people run. 

Many folks believe when a man (or woman) disappears and runs, the interest was low or not there at all.

Or they were multi-dating and found someone they liked better.  

Now we discover (and you're not the first) is that the reason they run is not because their interest was low or they found someone else, but rather because their interest was high, they started developing real feelings and that scared them.  Increased anxiety to the point they needed to run away, often ending the relationship to find relief. 

Some would define this as classic "commitmentphobia" which I won't but do find it all very interesting!  

Good luck!

 

Yeah, i always find it very simplistic when people just assume that disappearance = no interest. Commitment-phobe is quite on point to be honest - or in psychological terms - avoidant attachment style or fearful-avoidant. I think what can make it more complex is these types tend to attract anxious-attachment which then only amps up the running away when those partners becoming extremely engulfing. I'm trying to work to better myself and not just give in to my urges which at one time - were necessary to emotionally survive but aren't so when aiming for a healthy dynamic. 

Edited July 13, 2020 by pinkpaw

[Maldives]

I think your reading into it too much I do that wen you have got the date because you haven't met before that was the goal you haven't really formed anything to be texting consistently you havent even met. Also he probably doesn't wanna appear overly keen to scare you away 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

4 days with no contact, sounds very deliberate. Too deliberate. Like PuA deliberate. I don't like it.

First thing I thought of too...

 

[pinkpaw]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

First thing I thought of too...

 

I didn't like it either.

I know everyone is saying he doesn't owe me anything etc etc. I'm not suggesting he does. But what i DO think is when you are serious about getting to know someone - you'll both put in the effort to talk and get to know each other, and generally, both be excited at getting to know each other, and you'll do it cus you want to? Those were my intuitive vibes until the replies on here today.