GeorgiaPeach1 Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 On 7/11/2020 at 8:11 PM, alphamale said: no comment Oh, come on. I'd like to hear your take on this.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 Sounds like this guy is paying for other disappointments you have had. I would have cut him some slack this once, since you can't really tell how long a kid's birthday party will last. I also think it was nice of him to help clean up. Only if he made a habit of being late would I decide to write him off. I think you overreacted. 3
alphamale Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 1 hour ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Sounds like this guy is paying for other disappointments you have had. I would have cut him some slack this once, since you can't really tell how long a kid's birthday party will last. I also think it was nice of him to help clean up. Only if he made a habit of being late would I decide to write him off. I think you overreacted. i agree with GP1 2
Fox Sake Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 This is not a time to feel depressed. This is a time to feel empowered! You literally showed someone that you weren’t to be messed about, that you’re top shelf material and he lost out on a prize person. You stuck with your morals and your self respect. Every failure brings you closer to your success 2
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 You're taking this much too personally. There are lots of flakes on dating sites. It's just part of the deal. Be prepared for it and don't get ruffled about it. It has nothing to do with you. When I do online dating, the second a guy shows any kind of flaky behavior, I delete and block. No drama, no emotion, just next and move on. I totally agree that this guy is lame and not worth any emotion or further consideration. If you set a date with someone, you should have the common decency to show up on time - barring some real emergency, which happens to most of us maybe once every 5 years tops. A birthday party should not interfere. He should have gone to the party, said he had plans at X time and would be leaving at X time. Anybody with half a brain can make that happen. That he did not shows you he's incompetent and flaky at best. Next! 1
Realitysux Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 On 7/11/2020 at 7:33 PM, mortensorchid said: I had connected with this guy on Hinge a week or two ago. He seemed like a an alright guy, we were texting a lot and whatever else. We agreed to meet, he said picked between these 2 places so I chose A. Last night, I texted a reminder to him if we were still on for Saturday, he said yes. During the day Saturday he texted me that he was going to his niece's birthday party during the day, I said that's fine it won't affect our meet up time will it? He said no. We'd agreed to meet at 6:30pm. Just as I was on my way out, he texted me that he was helping to tear down from the party and he needed to put off a bit later. I said the place closes at 8 (earlier hours due to the virus). He said oh sorry this is taking longer than he thought this would. I for once decided not to take the high road and said "If I were going to meet someone that night for a date I would not have agreed to help tear this down." He said it started at 4 he didn't know it would take so long. This is up the same alley as "Oh sorry I fell asleep you still want to meet up?". Then at 7 he texted "Ok I'm out of it now where do you want to meet?" I said back to him via text "Sorry not interested anymore. I hope the next time you are more mindful of the other person and hope you find what you are looking for." Now I am depressed and in front of the TV. Reading some of your posts, you catch feelings too easily. The guy was a no show but why would that make you in return feeling depressed? For me, if I'm dating and I catch feelings quickly, then I take a step back and reflect on why. You should be exploring different people and determining what kind of person you want to end up with and then invest yourself emotionally. Investing yourself emotionally before even meeting to the point they can affect you emotionally, is questionable. 1
rjc149 Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 Gotta agree with other posters who see this as you venting your overall frustration about dating. The reality of it, he pushed the date back 30 minutes. Not a big deal at all. Now, he could (should) have given you a better ETA when he texted you about this niece's party. Something like "hey, this could run a bit long, can we meet at 7:15 instead? I'll text you when I get out." Saying "this is taking longer than expected, I'll let you know when it's over" is somewhat disrespectful, in expecting you to sit and wait until he happens to let you know. Your answer would ideally have been "hmmm sounds like it's not a good evening then, let's reschedule." And let him take it from there. You have to remember -- he is a stranger off the internet. He has a life, and priorities, and commitments, and people that come before you, that are none of your concern. This is a mentality a lot of guys have who don't want to be "disrespected" by women they've asked out. The woman flakes, or pushes the date off, or doesn't respond in a timely enough manner, and they get butthurt about it. Her entire life does not suddenly take the back seat to a random guy she either just met, or hasn't even met. He has not provided any value to her yet. Just smile, relax, let it slide off, and play the game. 3
Happy Lemming Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 46 minutes ago, rjc149 said: He has a life, and priorities, and commitments, and people that come before you... Then don't set the date for that night. If you know you have a prior commitment for that day, (ie niece's party), then pick the next night or later next week to set up a date with the OP. He set the date, he confirmed it the day before, so he had every opportunity to reschedule (this date) in a timely manner. Last minute changes to a first date are disrespectful to the person you are meeting. If they had been dating for a couple of years and he moved the time, I'd cut him some slack, but this was their very first date. 2 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 (edited) Amen, Happy. This is why I always have one good phone call with a man before agreeing to meet. That way, you can get a much better sense of his degree of flakiness versus reliability. Then, any flakiness around the first date whatsoever and I totally lose interest, delete and next. This saves tons of wasted time and effort. You NEVER get a second chance to make a first impression. Edited July 15, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 1
rjc149 Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 13 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Then don't set the date for that night. If you know you have a prior commitment for that day, (ie niece's party), then pick the next night or later next week to set up a date with the OP. He set the date, he confirmed it the day before, so he had every opportunity to reschedule (this date) in a timely manner. Last minute changes to a first date are disrespectful to the person you are meeting. If they had been dating for a couple of years and he moved the time, I'd cut him some slack, but this was their very first date. There was likely no reason for him to believe the kids party was going to run over time. It did. Life happens that way sometimes. He pushed the date back 30 minutes. There’s nothing inherently disrespectful about that. Again I will reiterate: he is a total, complete stranger. You can take an innocent until proven guilty approach to strangers, or a guilty until proven innocent approach. It would seem like the latter approach will result in dating difficulties.
poppyfields Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 I see both sides. To rjc149's point, unforeseen shyt happens sometimes and it's important to be flexible. It was 30 minutes. To the others' points, those who've done OLD for awhile have become quite sensitive to flakes, ghosters, and the like. So when making a first date with a time, a little extra effort should be made to keep that time. As Ruby Slippers said, you get one chance to make a good first impression, make it count. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 (edited) Of the dozens of first dates I've had in my life, I can't recall a single time I needed to be late for a single one of them, no matter what I had going on earlier in the day. That's because I'm competent enough to manage my time well, and let friends and family know that I'll be leaving at X time because I have something else planned. Clearly, as this thread shows, there's a spectrum of people. On one end, you have those who are loosey-goosey about time commitments and think nothing of changing plans last minute or having plans changed on them. On the other end, you have people like me and Happy, who are more organized, like making a plan and sticking to it, appreciate and click with people with the same mentality. Probably the former people are more impulsive in general, while the latter like to make a plan and stick to it. The loosey-goosey minded person would drive me up the wall, so it's no loss whatsoever to let them go. Edited July 15, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 2
nospam99 Posted July 15, 2020 Posted July 15, 2020 ruby said ''On one end, you have those who are loosey-goosey about time commitments and think nothing of changing plans last minute or having plans changed on them.'' Obviously the man in question was NOT 'loosey-goosey', DID indeed think 'something' of changing plans, and changed those plans prior to the 'last minute'. He contacted OP prior to the scheduled time of the date. He also made himself available to reschedule within 30 minutes of the original time. Ruby, I get that you and others are strict about punctuality, even, as in this case, when the delay is brief and the stated excuse/explanation sounds legitimate and stems from the otherwise admirable characteristic of devotion to family children. However IMO that does not justify the over-the-top negative attributes you have assigned to those 'on one end'.FWIW, while I am personally punctual, I respect other people enough to be flexible in circumstances such as those in this situation.
Alvi Posted July 16, 2020 Posted July 16, 2020 14 minutes ago, nospam99 said: ruby said ''On one end, you have those who are loosey-goosey about time commitments and think nothing of changing plans last minute or having plans changed on them.'' Obviously the man in question was NOT 'loosey-goosey', DID indeed think 'something' of changing plans, and changed those plans prior to the 'last minute'. He contacted OP prior to the scheduled time of the date. He also made himself available to reschedule within 30 minutes of the original time. Ruby, I get that you and others are strict about punctuality, even, as in this case, when the delay is brief and the stated excuse/explanation sounds legitimate and stems from the otherwise admirable characteristic of devotion to family children. However IMO that does not justify the over-the-top negative attributes you have assigned to those 'on one end'.FWIW, while I am personally punctual, I respect other people enough to be flexible in circumstances such as those in this situation. Normally, I would agree that you need to be more flexible when it comes to dating. Unexpected things do happen. But not in this case. His showed that he couldn't care less about her feelings. Let's face it. She wasn't very high on his priority list. He could've said to his family that he can help with a clean up but he has to leave umm, let's say at 5pm since he has other commitments. He could've let her know at let's say 4:15 that clean is going to take a bit longer than expected and ask to meet up 30 minutes later. He could've let her know way way way ahead of time that he is going to be delayed. But he didn't do that. He waited till the very last minute to let her know that he is not coming. She was almost out of the door. This is the same as cancelling the date very last minute. This is a time tile according to OP (maybe I missed something): 4pm - He lets her know about the after party cleanup but assures her that he is going to be on time. So, he made a promise to be on time. A promise he had zero desire to honour. She probably gets dressed, puts a make up on, does her hair and nails or whatever else she does to look nice. 6:00pm to 6:20 pm - As she was ready to leave he texts her and lets her know that he is going to be late. The very last minute. He DIDN't tell her when he is going to be able to come. He NEVER said that he is ONLY going to be 30 late. He just said that the clean up is taking longer than expected. He is aware that places are closing at 8pm so when exactly is he planning to meet her? For all she knows he is going to be free at 11pm or at 8am next morning. Can only imagine the disappointment OP was feeling. 7pm - He lets OP know that is is free now. Whoopee. Well, how long would it take for him to drive to the restaurant? Just because he is free now, doesn't mean that they are going to meet withing a minute or two. She is sitting at home, she is not at the restaurant waiting for him. How long would it take her to get dressed again and to reapply her make up and to drive to the restaurant? 30-45 minutes? Remember,. the place closes at 8pm. Not much of a date. He asks to meet her someplace else, exactly where? Did he expect to be invited to her house or something? Or for her to come to his place? Did he expect her to say:"Oh, that's OK that you blew me off the very last minute for no good reason, although you promised to be on time, but since all the places are closed now, why don't you come to my house instead?" lol So, she is supposed to sit by the phone and wait for him to be free or something? He was zero respect for her and her time obviously. He couldn't even let her know head of time that he is going to be late. Sometimes giving a person a benefit of the doubt is warranted, in others, not so much. He basically just blew her off. 3 1
nospam99 Posted July 16, 2020 Posted July 16, 2020 ^^^ You are missing something - a lot in fact. The only time the OP provided was the 7pm event. All the other timestamps as well as the assumptions about travel time and getting ready time are provided by you. They may or may not be accurate. But OP was the only one who knows and she hasn't said.
Happy Lemming Posted July 16, 2020 Posted July 16, 2020 10 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: If you set a date with someone, you should have the common decency to show up on time... If you set the precedent that you're going to allow someone to show up any time they feel like it for a first date, then you become a door mat. And that is the way they will always treat you. His attitude was... "Oh, let her wait. She'll be there when I feel like getting there." 1 1
Alvi Posted July 16, 2020 Posted July 16, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, nospam99 said: ^^^ You are missing something - a lot in fact. The only time the OP provided was the 7pm event. All the other timestamps as well as the assumptions about travel time and getting ready time are provided by you. They may or may not be accurate. But OP was the only one who knows and she hasn't said. Maybe I did, maybe it would take her 1 min to get to the restaurant. Maybe she was going to meet him in her sweatpants and a dirty t-shirt. Doesn't quite matter. But fact is fact, he blew her off the very last minute. She said so herself, she was about to leave her place to meet him. At the very least, he could have been a lot more considerate of her time. He made a commitment and didn't keep it. He told her at 4 pm that he is going to meet her on time. In my book if something changes, I would let another person know as soon as possible. If he asked to move up the meeting sooner, I would cut him some slack. And what is up with him asking her to meet at any place? What place is supposed to be open for long? Likely he wanted to meet her at her place. But right, I could be assuming. But my assumptions don't change that much. He is still a very inconsiderate person who doesn't give a hoot about her or her feelings. I know, he doesn't owe her anything, online dating is insane at times but still. Maybe if he apologized to her and admitted to being inconsiderate, then maybe she may consider meeting him again. But if not, not a bit loss here. Edited July 16, 2020 by Alvi 1 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 16, 2020 Posted July 16, 2020 3 hours ago, nospam99 said: FWIW, while I am personally punctual, I respect other people enough to be flexible in circumstances such as those in this situation. And I respect myself enough not to go along with some lame stranger's bungled plan. The only kind of woman who would go along with this kind of disappointment is one who has nonexistent self-esteem. I'm glad @mortensorchid isn't one of them.
Recommended Posts