poppyfields Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: I don't know....she already DID say "in the morning," according to her. I'm not sure I understand how she asked this incorrectly. She needed mornings. So she agreed to meet. If they could do mornings. They *asked* her when she was free. Then ignored her answer. I'm agreeing with you. Yes I know she already told them, but for a first meet, she might have given them a pass versus getting so irritated about it. I might have, might not have, it depends. OR just decline the invite and block. Either way is ok, but mostly wanted to say I understand her irritation and annoyance which differs a bit from my earlier stance. Edited July 12, 2020 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 GND, acknowledging it did show a bit of disrespect on their parts for not remembering and/or lack of sensitivity to what works for you. I get it! Takes a while sometimes, lol I think at the very least, a guy can remember what we tell him and show a little sensitivity to our time constraints. And again had they worded it the way Caligirl suggested, or something similar reflecting that they remembered what you had told them about mornings working better, after asking when you were free, might have made all the difference. Even for a first meet, especially a first meet!
Realitysux Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: GND, acknowledging it did show a bit of disrespect on their parts for not remembering and/or lack of sensitivity to what works for you. I get it! Takes a while sometimes, lol I think at the very least, a guy can remember what we tell him and show a little sensitivity to our time constraints. And again had they worded it the way Caligirl suggested, or something similar reflecting that they remembered what you had told them about mornings working better, after asking when you were free, might have made all the difference. Even for a first meet, especially a first meet! Yeah but why are you taking guys serious when there isn't much going on. I'm single and just starting to meet men so I have a ton of guys texting me. I reply sometimes out if boredom but not interested. Even the guy I'm seeing tonight, I don't have any feelings but sex is sex. I won't be having it if I don't go. I do the same thing, I talk to lots of people until someone I'm interested in comes along. Everyone does it so if your one of the people they aren't that interested in, you are putting time and energy into nothing. Edit: the more I meet, the worse it gets too Edited July 12, 2020 by Realitysux
poppyfields Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) @Realitysux I'm not taking guys seriously or not, I have a boyfriend. I'm just acknowledging and empathizing with how GND feels, that's all. I think what she is seeking differs from what you are seeking. Edited July 12, 2020 by poppyfields
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 3 minutes ago, Realitysux said: Yeah but why are you taking guys serious when there isn't much going on. I'm single and just starting to meet men so I have a ton of guys texting me. I reply sometimes out if boredom but not interested. Even the guy I'm seeing tonight, I don't have any feelings but sex is sex. I won't be having it if I don't go. I do the same thing, I talk to lots of people until someone I'm interested in comes along. Everyone does it so if your one of the people they aren't that interested in, you are putting time and energy into nothing. Edit: the more I meet, the worse it gets too "The more I meet, the worse it gets too..." The answer to your own question, "Why are you taking it seriously?" Because as you just wrote, when you response to nonsense or laziness or whatever it just gets worse.
Realitysux Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Just now, CaliforniaGirl said: "The more I meet, the worse it gets too..." The answer to your own question, "Why are you taking it seriously?" Because as you just wrote, when you response to nonsense or laziness or whatever it just gets worse. I'm explaining that he may not be into her and she's just an option right now which is why he isn't responding to her mornings. The more men I meet, then I don't respond to texts or remember what they say until I'm interested.
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Realitysux said: I'm explaining that he may not be into her and she's just an option right now which is why he isn't responding to her mornings. The more men I meet, then I don't respond to texts or remember what they say until I'm interested. Well, and that's exactly the thing. Why on earth would she want to go out with him if he's not into ^ her? Exactly how much fun is that date going to be? Everyone's an option. Some people take half an ounce of effort anyway. Some don't. Those may, depending upon a person's style, get passed up. It's simple. It's a super-easy initial vetting process. The OP let it get under her skin but she's acknowledged that. Edited July 12, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 1
poppyfields Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) Below is a direct quote from a male poster on another thread. >>First impressions count for everything and if you can't even show your best side when meeting for the first time, then it just plants the seed of doubt on how the future will be. OP did the right thing. Women like to feel special.<< Well said. Edited July 12, 2020 by poppyfields
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Author Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Realitysux said: I'm explaining that he may not be into her and she's just an option right now which is why he isn't responding to her mornings. The more men I meet, then I don't respond to texts or remember what they say until I'm interested. I am not looking for sex, I am looking to meet the right man and a relationship.I also don't talk to a lot of guys like that, I prefer to talk to less people and remember what they say. Edited July 12, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Author Posted July 12, 2020 12 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Below is a direct quote from a male poster on another thread. >>First impressions count for everything and if you can't even show your best side when meeting for the first time, then it just plants the seed of doubt on how the future will be. OP did the right thing. Women like to feel special.<< Well said. Yes of course they want. I am looking for a relationship and for something special. These half a** efforts have very little to do with what I want. People think that because we are strangers and it's a first date is ok not to make an effort. So to me, that "little" effort on a first date says BIG about them. I know what I bring to the table and I want a man who can meet me there.
Realitysux Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Yes of course they want. I am looking for a relationship and for something special. These half a** efforts have very little to do with what I want. People think that because we are strangers and it's a first date is ok not to make an effort. So to me, that "little" effort on a first date says BIG about them. I know what I bring to the table and I want a man who can meet me there. From another perspective, unless there is interest, why would they put in effort. Typically people don't get into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship, they want that person. That's how I am but being single is lonly so you connect with others and have fun. You don't know where he is in his dating stance at all. You don't know what he's looking for. I wouldn't take it personal but if he isn't feeling what he's looking for with you, he may not put in the effort. As you get older, you tend to look for companionship more then chemistry and physical attraction but I'm looking for a physical chemistry with someone. That's just what I'm looking for. Edited July 12, 2020 by Realitysux
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Author Posted July 12, 2020 14 minutes ago, Realitysux said: From another perspective, unless there is interest, why would they put in effort. Typically people don't get into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship, they want that person. That's how I am but being single is lonly so you connect with others and have fun. You don't know where he is in his dating stance at all. You don't know what he's looking for. I wouldn't take it personal but if he isn't feeling what he's looking for with you, he may not put in the effort. As you get older, you tend to look for companionship more then chemistry and physical attraction but I'm looking for a physical chemistry with someone. That's just what I'm looking for. So why would they ask me out for a coffee date if there's no interest, then? To me if they invite me for that, it's because there is interest. So if there is interest, there should be minimum effort. That's fine if you're looking for physical chemistry with someone. I don't want just companionship, or just chemistry. I want the whole shebang. That's why I always ask them what they are looking for before we even discuss meeting, as I don't like to waste my time. 1
poppyfields Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) GND, how did you leave it with these two guys? Did they make an effort to schedule another time during the mornings? Or did they get snarky and it's done? Edited July 12, 2020 by poppyfields
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Author Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, poppyfields said: GND, how did you leave it with these two guys? Did they make an effort to schedule another time during the mornings? Or did they get snarky and it's done? Well the first guy said he didn't understand I wanted to meet in the mornings and blamed it on communication through text message that leads to misunderstandings... I asked him if you think that why didn't you call then for us to arrange to meet? He didn't reply to that, and then I showed him the print screen of my reply to him saying "I can do any day during the week in the morning", to show it is pretty understandable to anyone. I felt he was gaslighting me, so we stopped conversation and then blocked and deleted him. The second guy said sorry but was veryyyyy condescending, left me a voice message talking like I'm 10 years old or something. Blocked and deleted. Although I agree I shouldn't have overreacted and felt so offended (those are my own triggering issues), I still believe I dodged a bullet with these two. Edited July 12, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020 1
poppyfields Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) GND, fwiw, I think you dodged a bullet as well, two bullets! I know I'm backtracking from my earlier stance, but I didn't understand the situation correctly, my bad. First guy - there was no "miscommunication" due to text messaging. That's a laugh. He did not bother reading your message (in its entirety) or acknowledging what you wrote. Totally lame! There is nothing less flattering than a guy who doesnt bother reading a woman's text message, especially a woman he hasn't met but would like to meet. Second guy, condescending? Good thing you discovered this now, major bullet dodged! Trust your gut! Which you did, good for you. And while it's good to be flexible and spontaneous, never lower your standards with respect to what you're looking for. All the best moving forward! Edited July 12, 2020 by poppyfields
Realitysux Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 39 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: So why would they ask me out for a coffee date if there's no interest, then? To me if they invite me for that, it's because there is interest. So if there is interest, there should be minimum effort. That's fine if you're looking for physical chemistry with someone. I don't want just companionship, or just chemistry. I want the whole shebang. That's why I always ask them what they are looking for before we even discuss meeting, as I don't like to waste my time. I know I say this repeatedly and it's because it's true. I work with men all the time because quite often I am the only women on the floor or site or area with these men so I'm like in many ways a fly on the wall. I've seen them texting women they are meh about. He could have invited you but not followed through because the interest wasn't high enough. Men show interest to women and when they are interested, you will not have questions. You may want to vent and rant but if a guy has you asking too many questions, he's not interested. It's nothing to take personally because everyone is looking for the same thing. 1
Realitysux Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, poppyfields said: GND, fwiw, I think you dodged a bullet as well, two bullets! I know I'm backtracking from my earlier stance, but I didn't understand the situation correctly, my bad. First guy - there was no "miscommunication" due to text messaging. That's a laugh. He did not bother reading your message (in its entirety) or acknowledging what you wrote. Totally lame! There is nothing less flattering than a guy who doesnt bother reading a woman's text message, especially a woman he hasn't met but would like to meet. Second guy, condescending? Good thing you discovered this now, major bullet dodged! Trust your gut! Which you did, good for you. And while it's good to be flexible and spontaneous, never lower your standards with respect to what you're looking for. All the best moving forward! Yeah but this guy from my past read all my messages and acknowledged them. The issue is he left me with too many questions and too many questions is not a good sign. I personally don't want that much drama in a relationship at all. I want to feel good about myself with a man, not the way he made me feel. People put way to much thought into dating when you should have lots of first dates before you find someone you want to be in a relationship with. Edited July 12, 2020 by Realitysux 1
Realitysux Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 7 minutes ago, enigma32 said: @RealitysuxSadly, OLD is IMO, not such a great place to meet people who are serious about well....anything. Check out the advice most men are given on how to succeed using OLD. Numbers game! Men are supposed to send out a ton of messages to women who likely will not answer, or who do respond but aren't interested, in order to meet some women who might actually be into him. It's counterproductive for a man's OLD success to actually take you seriously before you even meet. From what most men here have said, more ladies ghost, flake, or never bother to meet anyway. I only, I've only ever used OLD for penpals. It's true and I have never met someone online and ended up dating them. I've only ever met men in person so it's been a time killer for me. Having said that, it can happen online and I know people who have met their partners online. Issue I have is most men settle and I don't want to settle or be settled for.
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 2 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Yes of course they want. I am looking for a relationship and for something special. These half a** efforts have very little to do with what I want. People think that because we are strangers and it's a first date is ok not to make an effort. So to me, that "little" effort on a first date says BIG about them. I know what I bring to the table and I want a man who can meet me there. Not everybody does...OLD is weird...take your little break and revisit it later.
Realitysux Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 46 minutes ago, enigma32 said: See what I mean? That's precisely why men don't take OLD seriously. You've used OLD for how long and never once dated a guy from there? You should understand why men don't take you OLD seriously. Why should we? I think most of us settle but that is a topic for another thread. I know you do but I don't know why when there are probably better connections then the women you are with and for them too. You should start that thread. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 2 hours ago, Realitysux said: From another perspective, unless there is interest, why would they put in effort. Typically people don't get into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship, they want that person. That's how I am but being single is lonly so you connect with others and have fun. You don't know where he is in his dating stance at all. You don't know what he's looking for. I wouldn't take it personal but if he isn't feeling what he's looking for with you, he may not put in the effort. As you get older, you tend to look for companionship more then chemistry and physical attraction but I'm looking for a physical chemistry with someone. That's just what I'm looking for. You're 100% right but again...if there isn't interest why would she want to go out with the person? They may very well be looking for different things, as you say, and in that case it's wiser to just not go out. Why waste the time? 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 1 hour ago, enigma32 said: @RealitysuxSadly, OLD is IMO, not such a great place to meet people who are serious about well....anything. Check out the advice most men are given on how to succeed using OLD. Numbers game! Men are supposed to send out a ton of messages to women who likely will not answer, or who do respond but aren't interested, in order to meet some women who might actually be into him. It's counterproductive for a man's OLD success to actually take you seriously before you even meet. From what most men here have said, more ladies ghost, flake, or never bother to meet anyway. Well if it's a spaghetti at the wall thing with really no (or little) discernment, then is it really such a surprise that a lot of those women will be bad matches who disappear? You can't assume any one person will toss hellos out there and somehow have 50 great matches. Even non-OLD dating doesn't work that way. The numbers game thing becomes a self-fufilling prophecy. I have always felt that if guys didn't flood every upright and apparently alive woman in OLD with "hey"s then the women would think longer and harder at each approach they did get. But nope... It ruins it for the great guys who ARE discerning but get overlooked in the crowd. There's so much wrong with OLD that the people themselves - both women and men - could make right. But that involves no longer listening to horrible advice that already hasn't worked for them and for some reason...people never want to change. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 11 minutes ago, Realitysux said: I know you do but I don't know why when there are probably better connections then the women you are with and for them too. You should start that thread. Oh honey. It's been a thread. ( "Settling." ) Has it ever... Go on In Search Of, you'll find a couple. Some are literally two or three dozen pages long. 1 1
Realitysux Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Oh honey. It's been a thread. ( "Settling." ) Has it ever... Go on In Search Of, you'll find a couple. Some are literally two or three dozen pages long. I'll search Edited July 13, 2020 by Realitysux 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, enigma32 said: @CaliforniaGirlone person can't change the rules. To quote Omar from HBO's The Wire, "The game's out there and it play or get played." Most of the guys I know on Tinder swipe right on almost every girl they see. They don't even bother looking. You have to think about it from our perspective. Why should a guy take the time to look at all your pics or read whatever profile you have written, if you even bothered? Most likely, if we do that and we try to match with you, you won't match back. If you do match back, most likely you won't message us, or reply to our messages. And then, if a woman actually will chat with us...she will probably just flake or has no intentions of ever meeting anyway. So for most guys, the less time and energy we invest in any one profile online, the better. What I always did was take a brief glance over a profile (I read very fast) then send a simple yet hopefully witty sounding message to everyone even remotely attractive/interesting unless they had very obvious dealbreakers. If she replies, then my level of investment will match hers but I am going to push for a meetup ASAP to weed out the pen pals and time wasters. I'm going to be honest, I haven't heard odds quite this bad ^ from the men I know who do OLD. A lot of them date fairly regularly. Even my FIL found a wife and he's almost 80. His wife is in her 70s. She's a great person. I know for a fact that he was selective and took his time. What you're saying is that this can't be changed by people, then you describe how the people refuse to change...and then complain about the results. Edited July 13, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl
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