Ami1uwant Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 2 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: To be fair, she said any morning....he didn't even listen to that part. The very least I'd expect in response to "I'm available any morning this week" would be...an offer to have coffee in the morning. Kind of a no-brainer? She would have come here complaining because he called that morning. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 100%^^^ it's a chance one takes with any response/contact. People are going to be judging and evaluating every step of the way to see if you fit together. Not the hill I think is worth dying on cause there are easy ways around it. Like for one, just respond after the time has past to for the spontaneous potential meet up. I don't think either of the guys meant to be disrespectful in asking for a spontaneous type coffee meetup. If it doesn't fit your guidelines, don't accept under his conditions. Rearrange.
Fresh_Start Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Coffee dates are for people who are more focused on an escape route than building a meaningful connection. A real man will ask you out to dinner. 4 2
Ruby Slippers Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 44 minutes ago, Fresh_Start said: Coffee dates are for people who are more focused on an escape route than building a meaningful connection. A real man will ask you out to dinner. Damn skippy. It turns me on knowing there are men out there who think right 2 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) You won't buy dinner for a local woman you haven't met... but you will buy an international plane ticket to see a non-local woman you've never met. Hmm, I wonder how one versus the other makes a woman feel about your degree of seriousness. Edited July 12, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 3 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 1 hour ago, enigma32 said: I don't think a guy's manhood hinges upon whether or not he wants to buy dinner for a girl he's never met. I usually prefer drinks to coffee for a first meet but if it's just an OLD date, I hold off on dinner until I know what she's about. I love coffee....and a walk....I love casual. People around here think I'm crazy. 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 1 minute ago, enigma32 said: See, I like that sort of thing! I think some kind of activity is a better way to get to know someone than just sitting down to dinner. Dinners just seem a bit too formal to me and are not conducive to a good first date. My favorite first date is to have a drink and play a game of pool or something. Walks are good too. A lot of nice nature walks around here. All better date ideas than just dinner and they usually cost less. This is how I feel about it too. I had a lot of dinner dates when I was dating. But to me it was nervewracking. Sitting staring at a stranger trying to think of things to say. Whereas wandering around takes the tension away and looking at this and that gives lots of opportunity for conversation starters. Dinner is really nice. It's a nice gesture and I do love eating out. I just never loved it for first dates. I know not everyone feels this way, though. I may be more the nervous type. 1
dispatch3d Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 I guess I won't try the "I'm in the area" thing. It is a good alternative to the typical schedule a date and get cancelled on half the time though (from the guys point of view). 1
Dis Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 It's just unromantic and uninspiring when all a date can do is squeeze you into their schedule at the very last minute for...coffee? I don't like dinner on the first date because if you're not feeling the person you can't take off early. But maybe drinks, some kind of effort and courtesy would be nice If a dude wants is looking for a date that doesn't a little planning in advance and effort he can look elsewhere Plus I like to get all pretty so...a rushed coffee date won't do 1
dispatch3d Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 I don't see whats so wrong with coffee. Honestly I think both genders try to rush things too much these days. I had a girl invite me over for a movie for a first date, and when i wasn't kissing her within 5 minutes she kicked me out of her house. I can't just snap my fingers and "like" like someone, it doesn't work like that (even for men). I like to know initially the girl will show up for coffee on time etc. etc. and not give me some kind of lame excuse, I could go on, before I start with any kind of dinner arrangement. 1
elaine567 Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 23 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said: It's just unromantic and uninspiring when all a date can do is squeeze you into their schedule at the very last minute for...coffee? ^^^ in a nutshell. It is function of the multi option, "I don't care a damn about you", "I'll fit you in when I am not busy", conveyor belt, style of dating. 3 1
jspice Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 11 hours ago, poppyfields said: I get the need to prepare thing, but the rest, CAgirl, to me that's a whole lot of overthinking and speculating without much to support it. And of course she's an option, so should HE be, for her! They've never even met. Anyway, they simply asked, I don't see anything malicious or underlying motive behind it.. They were free and was hoping she was free too. That's a sign of interest. Enough for a first coffee meet. At least it would be for me, and if I were free, my hair was clean lol, I'd throw on a cute blouse, some blush and lip gloss and go meet him. Again, if the pattern continued into dating, I'd simply not be available and if he wanted to see me, he'd learn he has to ask in advance. We teach people how to treat us and all that.... through our actions. Honestly, I don't understand the OP's outrage about this, there must be more to it than just these two instances. That’s good and well for you, and if you can be good to meet someone without much notice then go for it. I’m not going to be available for a last minute coffee. And the OP should have every right to require notice. Even for coffee. And yes, this is a symptom of modern day dating. There are a lot of women who will drop anything for a guy. Send dirty pictures without even the hint of a date. Just look at the posts here. There are a hundred women who will jump at the “I’m free, meet me in 30 minutes”. It’s not a sign of interest. It’s a sign of laziness. For women trying to start a real relationship, these women who are jumping at the drop of a hat makes it harder. Suddenly if you require 24 hour notice then you’re “high maintenance “. You feel free to date your way. OP has every right to feel outraged if she so pleases. 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Author Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) Thank you so much everyone for your replies, but I feel the need to clarify something I didn't mention on my first post, and apologies for that. I am a single full-time mom. That's also the reason I cannot do spontaneous "let's meet in 30 minutes" coffee dates. These two guys KNEW that. Actually the second guy when he sent the message saying he's done for the day let's meet now, he said he just dropped his own daughter back at her mom's... So yes I do require advance planning because for me to go on a date I need to arrange to leave her with my mom or a friend of mine and both have their own lives too. So if they knew that I have a child that is not enough age to stay at home alone, they should know I need to plan in advance and not do this selfish stuf, because both of these guys are parents too. Even if I didn't have a child I wouldn't still like it, because it communicates "hey I have nothing to do now, do you want to come and entertain me for a while?", it's like a non-effort sort of thing that puts me off completely. But having a child and they knowing it, it just tells me they don't give a sh** about it, which is not a good start. Edited July 12, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020 4
Emilie Jolie Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: It's not about my tight schedule, it's about behaving respectfully. And I don't think they were being spontaneous, I think they were just thinking about themselves. One of my friends is like that; she's lovely and absolutely not self-centered, but she has a tendendy to shoot a whatsapp suggesting we go for a drink (pre-pandemic) or a social distancing walk (post-pandemic) with 5 mins notice. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don't, depending on what I'm up to myself. She's not very organised, late for everything in general and super forgetful - I've known her for years and she's a really good friend so I've kind of accepted it, but I don't know that I'd be compatible with someone like that long-term as a partner. That's not spontaneity (love that), that's scattiness. This 10-minute notice guy may be the same, who know. Sounds like you are incompatible either way, so you did well to move on. Edited July 12, 2020 by Emilie Jolie 2
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Author Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said: That's not spontaneity (love that), that's scattiness. Exactly. That communicates "I don't care about you, I care about my needs and I'm checking to see if you fit them". Maybe women with low self-esteem who attach their worthiness to a guy's attention to them, would drop everything at the drop of a hat to go meet them. I'm not those women. Edited July 12, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020 1
Emilie Jolie Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 3 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Exactly. That communicates "I don't care about you, I care about my needs and I'm checking to see if you fit them". I don't think that communicates that necessarily - just that they're not organised or perhaps absent-minded. There needn't be bad intent, they may well be perfectly respectful and caring, but they're not great at time-keeping. So yeah, if you like things to run on schedule, that's not gonna work. (not saying that's the case for your guy here, just extrapolating). 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Author Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said: I don't think that communicates that necessarily - just that they're not organised or perhaps absent-minded. There needn't be bad intent, they may well be perfectly respectful and caring, but they're not great at time-keeping. So yeah, if you like things to run on schedule, that's not gonna work. (not saying that's the case for your guy here, just extrapolating). Sorry to me it really does communicate they are only concerned about themselves and their needs, not anything else. That of course doesn't mean they have bad intentions, but it communicates they are self-absorbed. Especially when they know I have a small child. Not my cup of tea. Edited July 12, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020 1
Emilie Jolie Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Just now, girlnextdoor2020 said: Sorry to me it really does communicate they are only concerned about themselves and their needs, not anything else. That of course doesn't mean they have bad intentions, but it communicates they are self-absorbed. Especially when they know I have a small child. Not my cup of tea. Fair enough.
Blind-Sided Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 15 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I just feel that these guys is all about them. It's when it's convenient to them to meet, either because they're near where I live, or have nothing to do, whatever. They don't know how to properly treat a woman and respect her time, arranging something in advance. Welcome to OLD. LOL OK... seriously though... this is one of the problems of OLD. You have removed the "Organic" meeting, and getting to know someone... and turned it into "Ok... she will do". Because of that... a ridged timeline has also been removed. With that said... it's not just "Guys" who are that way... there are a lot of girls who treat it that way. The other thing to keep in mind... there are people who don't really want a relationship, and just want people to go out with. OLD is supporting that lifestyle. Now... I know you are upset about it... but where you free at the time? What was your real reason for not meeting on short notice? Who knows... one of those guys could have been the love of your life. Just my 2 cents... take it for what it's worth. ****EDIT**** OK... I see you have your kids full time. I know that can make it harder. BUT... maybe you should find a local teen who could watch your kid(s) on short notice. To be honest... that's not a bad idea anyway. Sometimes "Life happens" and you need to do things last moment. (Broken car, sick relative, or other emergency) Edited July 12, 2020 by Blind-Sided
Acacia98 Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 15 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I don't like this at all! What do you think about this? I think it was perfectly okay for you to decide you didn't want to meet them. I would probably have done the same. But you really didn't have to be rude to them. You could have just declined politely. Getting that aggravated about an easily resolved situation that you have complete control over isn't good for you. 3
Fresh_Start Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 9 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: Damn skippy. It turns me on knowing there are men out there who think right You could always find out if the rest of my thoughts will have the same effect. 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Author Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said: Welcome to OLD. LOL OK... seriously though... this is one of the problems of OLD. You have removed the "Organic" meeting, and getting to know someone... and turned it into "Ok... she will do". Because of that... a ridged timeline has also been removed. With that said... it's not just "Guys" who are that way... there are a lot of girls who treat it that way. The other thing to keep in mind... there are people who don't really want a relationship, and just want people to go out with. OLD is supporting that lifestyle. Now... I know you are upset about it... but where you free at the time? What was your real reason for not meeting on short notice? Who knows... one of those guys could have been the love of your life. Just my 2 cents... take it for what it's worth. ****EDIT**** OK... I see you have your kids full time. I know that can make it harder. BUT... maybe you should find a local teen who could watch your kid(s) on short notice. To be honest... that's not a bad idea anyway. Sometimes "Life happens" and you need to do things last moment. (Broken car, sick relative, or other emergency) A broken car, sick relative, or other emergency is VERY different from an entitled selfish guy who doesn't give a sh** if I can meet at the drop of a hat when I have a kid. I DO NOT need to have a babysitter in order to please guys who cannot plan things in advance. What the fu**!? I would yes arrange a babysitter or ask my mom, etc, if things are planned in advance with respect and consideration. I do not drop my kid in order to run to meet a complete stranger who wants to meet me at his convenience. Sorry that's not the love of my life in any way shape or form. That's dodging a bullet. Edited July 12, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020 2
Fresh_Start Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) The coffee date proponents in this thread are all proving my point that you're more focused on an escape route than building a meaningful connection with the other person. You have very negative and pessimistic mindsets about dinner dates that also betray an underlying lack of confidence. I always have a conversation with a woman before even asking her out to dinner. This is my opportunity to get to know her a little bit and build some initial chemistry and attraction that makes meeting up for dinner a very natural and exciting next step that both parties to the date are looking forward to. I go into every dinner date with the mindset that it will be a great night with great conversation and further getting to know one another rather than negatively thinking about all of the things that could possibly go wrong and needing a quick escape. That's not the way those dates have ever gone for me. They offer a far more intimate setting than a daytime coffee date in a coffee shop full of people plugging away on their laptops and are a perfect setting to build the kind of chemistry and attraction that is naturally conducive to physical intimacy and a second date. It's very rare to verging on nonexistent that my dinner dates haven't been a success and for those that weren't, I didn't think of it as a waste of time or money. I still had the opportunity to go out and enjoy a nice meal and a drink or two with someone I was interested in. If the chemistry wasn't there on a romantic level I can still carry on a conversation without any awkwardness the same way I do with a client, colleague, friend, or family member. If you don't have the confidence to manage that then most of your dates are going to bomb anyways. Edited July 12, 2020 by Fresh_Start 1 1
poppyfields Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) OP, thank you for clarifying you have a child, that does change the dynamic somewhat. So I get it. Still doesn't justify the snarky retorts imo, but whatever, what's done is done. These guys are not a match for you, next. Now to me, there are two ways of looking at this, negative or positive. The negative is attaching attributes to them like selfish, arrogant, not giving a cr*p, not making you a priority, you're an option, seeking an escape, etc. The positive would be shifting your mindset, and realizing OLD and asking to meet is extremely anxiety provoking for some people, and by spontaneously asking if you were free versus planning in advance, they were avoiding both himself and you from overthinking too much, becoming overly anxious and flaking last minute. We read so much of that here, folks planning a first meet a few days in advance, and then flaking right before the meet. By meeting spontaneously you avoid all that. I envision this possible scenario. Driving in their cars, listening to music feeling happy and upbeat, thinking of you, and wanting to meet you. So they give you a call, send a text, hoping by chance you were free to meet that afternoon or evening. Versus, again planning in advance and risking the overthinking and anxiety, and flaking that happens soooo often with OLD. I don't think you can judge a man's dating style or character by how he asks to meet you for the first time. They don't know you, nor do you know them. You are both options to each other at this point. It's not even a date to me, it's a first meet. And again, causes a lot of anxiety for many people. If you click and begin dating him and he's asking you out last minute, that's an entirely different thing. $.02. Edited July 12, 2020 by poppyfields 3
Velvet teddy Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 32 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: A broken car, sick relative, or other emergency is VERY different from an entitled selfish guy who doesn't give a sh** if I can meet at the drop of a hat when I have a kid. I DO NOT need to have a babysitter in order to please guys who cannot plan things in advance. What the fu**!? I would yes arrange a babysitter or ask my mom, etc, if things are planned in advance with respect and consideration. I do not drop my kid in order to run to meet a complete stranger who wants to meet me at his convenience. Sorry that's not the love of my life in any way shape or form. That's dodging a bullet. You're not going to find a prince charming via OLD. Its simply not going to happen. Whereby everything is going to go your way and how you want it I think you simply have to pick and choose who you are willing to compromise for. Obviously these are strangers initially. But i think you should have perhaps given at least one of the coffee dates a shot. And then take it from there. 2
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