girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) I've had this happening twice with two different guys the past 2 weeks, so I'm wondering if this is normal? I met both online, one of them he invited me for a coffee and asked when can I go during the week, and I said any day of the week in the morning is fine to me. He didn't proceed with telling me a specific day that he can meet, but then on Monday he sends me a message at 12pm saying he is close to where I live, and if I want to meet up that afternoon... I asked him what was the part of "I can meet in the morning" that he didn't understand!? And he was surprised by my response to him. It was like he completely ignored what I said. The second guy was yesterday. We messaged each other for a few days and yesterday he sends me a message at 4pm saying he's done for the day, he's free and if I want to meet up, and that I can go and meet him at a coffee shop where he lives... I told him that I don't do casual "let's meet up now" with guys I've never seen before, I like to arrange to meet in advance and with respect. He was also very surprised by my reaction. I just feel that these guys is all about them. It's when it's convenient to them to meet, either because they're near where I live, or have nothing to do, whatever. They don't know how to properly treat a woman and respect her time, arranging something in advance. It's like they're meeting up with their guy friends! I feel this is the sort of thing you do with close friends when you already have a relationship built with them, not with dating someone new! I don't like this at all! What do you think about this? Edited July 11, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020 4 1
ccas93 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Yeah, with those two guys, it sounds like it was all about them. And I think your reaction to them was appropriate. Impromptu meetups aren't inherently bad but those guys sound like they just wanted to kill some time. But, let's not make it a gender war. You get self absorbed and disrespectful people of both (all) genders. 2
Miss Spider Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 I agree with you completely that you don't treat a person you're dating that way and that they were just asking because it was convenient at the time for them. Maybe you could tell them you need more planning in advance for a date, but I think you're just right to next these guys if they act like that from the get go. Very unlikely they are going to become what you want them to be 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 That would bother me. I don't expect to be treated like the Queen or anything but if someone thinks I'm that low a priority my answer is going to have to be no. 3
smackie9 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Hold up here, these guys don't know you first off, and what they did wasn't so disrespectful.....you do realize that you are not the only one they are chatting with or ask out right? He probably forgot or got you mixed up with someone else. Instead of being snarky about it, you could have simply corrected the guy politely and said sorry no, I only set aside coffee meet ups in the mornings like I mentioned the last time. Or maybe the guy gave it a shot to see if you were free. Not everyone is on a stringent schedule as you are. Just like the second guy he simply took a shot to see if you were free. You could have just offered him an alternative different time and place. Ya got to be a little more forgiving/flexible with online dating. Not everyone is a mind reader, behave the way you expect all the time and you are in a sea of other participants. 4 1
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 I think there are enough people that like spontaneity who would accept these requests that they have worked for these guys in the past so they threw it out there. Sometimes it's about drawing boundaries on your end. Faced with such an offer if I otherwise like the guy I'd decline saying something like "I'd like to meet up at some point by my schedule doesn't afford me that level of spontaneity. If you can give me at least 24 hours notice, maybe we can get together another time." I'm on your side in that I think it's a sign of respect for a man to plan a date. 6
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I think there are enough people that like spontaneity who would accept these requests that they have worked for these guys in the past so they threw it out there. Sometimes it's about drawing boundaries on your end. Faced with such an offer if I otherwise like the guy I'd decline saying something like "I'd like to meet up at some point by my schedule doesn't afford me that level of spontaneity. If you can give me at least 24 hours notice, maybe we can get together another time." I'm on your side in that I think it's a sign of respect for a man to plan a date. I love spontaneity, and I'm all for it... in a relationship. Where there is already trust and intimacy. It's not about my tight schedule, it's about behaving respectfully. And I don't think they were being spontaneous, I think they were just thinking about themselves. 2 3
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 14 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Hold up here, these guys don't know you first off, and what they did wasn't so disrespectful.....you do realize that you are not the only one they are chatting with or ask out right? He probably forgot or got you mixed up with someone else. Instead of being snarky about it, you could have simply corrected the guy politely and said sorry no, I only set aside coffee meet ups in the mornings like I mentioned the last time. Or maybe the guy gave it a shot to see if you were free. Not everyone is on a stringent schedule as you are. Just like the second guy he simply took a shot to see if you were free. You could have just offered him an alternative different time and place. Ya got to be a little more forgiving/flexible with online dating. Not everyone is a mind reader, behave the way you expect all the time and you are in a sea of other participants. I have absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact they are chatting with other people. If they got me mixed up with someone else, then they can do an Excel spreadsheet to keep up with it. lol I don''t give a sh** to the "other participants", I care about how I feel. And this doesn't make me feel good at all. I don't need to be more flexible, I need to find a match. 5 1
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 1 minute ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I love spontaneity, and I'm all for it... in a relationship. Where there is already trust and intimacy. It's not about my tight schedule, it's about behaving respectfully. And I don't think they were being spontaneous, I think they were just thinking about themselves. You may be right but if you come right out & say I won't go out with you because the invitation was too last minute they will write you off as a high maintenance Princess (read 5 letter word beginning with B) By blaming it on your schedule you are sending the same message but in a more subtle manner. It's also true. Your schedule is that you won't debase yourself to chase some stranger who can't make a date in advance. They are allowed to think of themselves. Just like you are thinking of yourself when you decline. It's nothing to get this upset about. It's just how the world works. Most people will take as much as you let them. 2
smackie9 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 frustration is all part of being online. Dating is never easy, and online can be worse. You are exposed to a larger number of crap. It is what it is. Grow a thicker skin, and use the delete button if they rub you the wrong way. Letting it get to you will only exasperate your situation. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 I never accept an early date that isn't planned at least a few days in advance, have zero interest in men who lack the basic ability to plan a date. If he wants to do something on the weekend, I only accept if he asks me by Wednesday evening. 2 1
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 47 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I agree with you completely that you don't treat a person you're dating that way and that they were just asking because it was convenient at the time for them. Maybe you could tell them you need more planning in advance for a date, but I think you're just right to next these guys if they act like that from the get go. Very unlikely they are going to become what you want them to be Yeah, I think it's better that you are finding this out right away since it's not your style, probably won't work in the long run. I think you are making too big a deal out of it. Just say no the time doesn't work for you and try to schedule a time that does if that is the case. Don't get worked up about it. Some people don't mind spontaneous in general. Also maybe planning a coffee date is part of the problem. That is a very throwaway, low investment thing to do that doesn't require much planning TBH, perhaps why guys are treating it like that in spite of what you said via messaging beforehand. They aren't taking that as set in stone, inflexible. Also maybe you take care to look a certain way therefore want a heads up before any first meeting which makes sense, but a guy who has to put a different level of effort into looking a certain way, this would seriously go over his head as a concern or reason at all. they are probably missing the point if that is the reason and thinking you could meet on the fly. BTW, what is your "real" reason? Lastly, just wondering if they forget the specifics of what you have previously somewhat discussed like "in the am" because they are talking to several women. Very possible. That' is also part of what is going on. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I never accept an early date that isn't planned at least a few days in advance, have zero interest in men who lack the basic ability to plan a date. If he wants to do something on the weekend, I only accept if he asks me by Wednesday evening. yeah, fair enough if that is along the lines of how the OP feels, then she should not get upset about it as someone said above, just move on as these two are clearly not for her. 3
smackie9 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 It's not a date date, it's a meet up for a cup of coffee to chat for 30-45 mins. I dunno, if the guy was cute enough and 10 mins away I would be down. 5
poppyfields Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) Jmo, but I see nothing disrespectful, and if you felt disrespected, I highly doubt that was their intention. This is a first meet after all, not an elaborate date, and they only asked. There was no need to give a snarky response back, all you had to say was "no can do, I'm busy this afternoon, another time"? And suggest another time or wait for him to. I think you're reading way more into it than need be. Edited July 11, 2020 by poppyfields 4 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 4 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I never accept an early date that isn't planned at least a few days in advance, have zero interest in men who lack the basic ability to plan a date. If he wants to do something on the weekend, I only accept if he asks me by Wednesday evening. This...if somebody were to think I was high maintenance because I required more than 10 minutes advance notice for a date then he definitely is no loss. To me. I mean some other woman may think that's fine. For every pot there's a lid. If this guy thinks I should jump at his sudden decision that he can fit me in for a few minutes because I have the competition of dozens of other women, then that's great for him. He can go out with one of them. We're not a match. 2 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 6 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: yeah, fair enough if that is along the lines of how the OP feels, then she should not get upset about it as someone said above, just move on as these two are clearly not for her. Yes. I think probably the OP was more frustrated because it was two in a row and therefore more notable. She was polite with the second guy. 4
poppyfields Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: This...if somebody were to think I was high maintenance because I required more than 10 minutes advance notice for a date then he definitely is no loss. To me. I mean some other woman may think that's fine. For every pot there's a lid. If this guy thinks I should jump at his sudden decision that he can fit me in for a few minutes because I have the competition of dozens of other women, then that's great for him. He can go out with one of them. We're not a match. I don't think it was 10 minutes, they said "this afternoon" which is a several hour timespan. And I didn't get the sense they expected her to be available, they simply asked! And again, a first meet. 30 minutes. I don't get the formality of first meets over coffee? You need a day, two days' notice to grab a coffee for 30 minutes? Lol If you start dating and he asks you out last minute, simply tell him you're busy. No need to lecture him about the proper etiquette of dating. Just be busy and if he's genuinely interested, he will learn he has to ask in advance if he wants to see you. Edited July 11, 2020 by poppyfields 5
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 4 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I don't think it was 10 minutes, they said "this afternoon" which is a several hour timespan. And I didn't get the sense they expected her to be available, they simply asked! And again, a first meet. 30 minutes. I don't get the formality of first meets over coffee? You need a day, two days' notice to grab a coffee for 30 minutes? Lol If you start dating and he asks you out last minute, simply tell him you're busy. No need to lecture him about the proper etiquette of dating. Just be busy and if he's genuinely interested, he will learn he has to ask in advance if he wants to see you. Well, I wouldn't lecture him. But I would say I couldn't do it and let's set up a date. But if as one poster says, he has loads of other options, and this is his style, I'd doubt he would want to, and we'd each move on. And yes, I do like to prepare a little, even for coffee. If I've had a rough morning and my hair is in a greasy second-day bun and I'm dressed in my I Love Naps shirt then I'm definitely not going to feel like going out with anybody...not even a buddy. (I'd have her over for coffee instead, in the privacy of my home or hers where we could look like hobos together and have a great time.) If I get sudden notice that "later this afternoon" I'm the lucky winner and I should be ready, I'm saying no...politely. I like to shower before meeting someone for the first time...wear a little makeup...if that makes me a princess then so be it but it never seemed to bother any guy I went out with. Actually, I've never had a man call me and say he was free that afternoon as a first date. But I've heard of it.if and it does rub me the wrong way. If he were to think I was a princess...okay. And I think he's thoughtless. Or else playing the "look how busy busy busy I am, look how much I'm wanted everywhere, it's so hard to squeeze in a date with YOU" game. We may be totally wrong about eachother. Or we may be right about eachother. But either way we're not right FOR each other. I'd be polite but I'd be probably moving on. (Unless he was cool about it and said "Sure, how does Wednesday sound?" 2
poppyfields Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Well, I wouldn't lecture him. But I would say I couldn't do it and let's set up a date. But if as one poster says, he has loads of other options, and this is his style, I'd doubt he would want to, and we'd each move on. And yes, I do like to prepare a little, even for coffee. If I've had a rough morning and my hair is in a greasy second-day bun and I'm dressed in my I Love Naps shirt then I'm definitely not going to feel like going out with anybody...not even a buddy. (I'd have her over for coffee instead, in the privacy of my home or hers where we could look like hobos together and have a great time.) If I get sudden notice that "later this afternoon" I'm the lucky winner and I should be ready, I'm saying no...politely. I like to shower before meeting someone for the first time...wear a little makeup...if that makes me a princess then so be it but it never seemed to bother any guy I went out with. Actually, I've never had a man call me and say he was free that afternoon as a first date. But I've heard of it.if and it does rub me the wrong way. If he were to think I was a princess...okay. And I think he's thoughtless. Or else playing the "look how busy busy busy I am, look how much I'm wanted everywhere, it's so hard to squeeze in a date with YOU" game. We may be totally wrong about eachother. Or we may be right about eachother. But either way we're not right FOR each other. I'd be polite but I'd be probably moving on. (Unless he was cool about it and said "Sure, how does Wednesday sound?" I get the need to prepare thing, but the rest, CAgirl, to me that's a whole lot of overthinking and speculating without much to support it. And of course she's an option, so should HE be, for her! They've never even met. Anyway, they simply asked, I don't see anything malicious or underlying motive behind it.. They were free and was hoping she was free too. That's a sign of interest. Enough for a first coffee meet. At least it would be for me, and if I were free, my hair was clean lol, I'd throw on a cute blouse, some blush and lip gloss and go meet him. Again, if the pattern continued into dating, I'd simply not be available and if he wanted to see me, he'd learn he has to ask in advance. We teach people how to treat us and all that.... through our actions. Honestly, I don't understand the OP's outrage about this, there must be more to it than just these two instances. Edited July 11, 2020 by poppyfields
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: I get the need to prepare thing, but the rest, CAgirl, to me that's a whole lot of overthinking and speculating without much to support it. And of course she's an option, so should HE be, for her! They've never even met. Anyway, they simply asked, I don't see anything malicious or underlying motive behind it.. They were free and was hoping she was free too. That's a sign of interest. Enough for a first coffee meet. At least it would be for me, and if I were free, my hair was clean lol, I'd throw on a cute blouse, some blush and lip gloss and go meet him. Again, if the pattern continued into dating, I'd simply not be available and if he wanted to see me, he'd learn he has to ask in advance. We teach people how to treat us and all that.... through our actions. Honestly, I don't understand the OP's outrage about this, there must be more to it than just these two instances. To each his own. As you said, each has other options and can decide what he or she likes.
ShyViolet Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 OP, I think you are being a little overly harsh on these guys. I think they were just innocently seeing if you were free. A lot of people wouldn't mind this. I don't think they were being "disrespectful." Some people might have very flexible schedules or not mind the spontaneity. You are completely within your right NOT to like this, and to just reply to them that you need more notice and would prefer a date that's set at least a day or a couple days in advance. It's really not that big of a deal. They probably would have been fine with that. But the way you replied to them with these really snarky replies was a little unnecessary.
basil67 Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 I understand that you wanted a different approach. But I think your response was out of proportion to what they did. Honestly, you'd be better sending no reply instead of a rude message....though on the flip side, at least you never have to worry about hearing from them again 7
Ami1uwant Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 If someone asks you when are you available this week to meet and you don’t say a specific day...then what do you expect? 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 5 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: If someone asks you when are you available this week to meet and you don’t say a specific day...then what do you expect? To be fair, she said any morning....he didn't even listen to that part. The very least I'd expect in response to "I'm available any morning this week" would be...an offer to have coffee in the morning. Kind of a no-brainer? 2
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