Realitysux Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 I feel like I should have been asking these questions all along but I didn't think the guy would ever accept me back to be honest. I'm not dating him or anything and he doesn't even talk to me directly. Yesterday I had a guy spend the night and I read something that hinted he wanted to get back in touch and I didn't sleep with this other guy. I ordered pizza, left him to eat it alone and went to bed. I woke up before him and left him sleeping. He woke up and asked me questions if there was someone else or if other guys are asking me out and what not. I told him his drinking kind of gets to me but the guy was sober last night. The truth is, I didn't want to touch him because of this other guy! I'm still crushing hard. What should I do?
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Tell him you are hung up on someone else & you are sorry for playing with his emotions. Then stop having men spend the night or messing around with them until you have fully healed from this other guy who still has the hold on you. If you need help to figure out why you are so hung up on a bad guy, see a therapist 6 1
Author Realitysux Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) I'll just add that this guy isn't bothered we didn't sleep together. He asked if I wanted to go to the market but I told him I was going to spend the day with my son. He also said he wasn't just with me for sex so it didn't bother him if we didn't have it. I think you are right because he wants more from me then I can give him. Edited July 11, 2020 by Realitysux
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 lol, is it just me or did it feel like we picked up this story mid episode and I missed the first 6? I'm confused on the first post. 4 1
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 You know what you need to do, you just don't want to put in the effort. No one will put your life back on track for you. It needs to come from within yourself. You need to stop using this current man and feeding him false hope. Treat others with integrity just like you'd want to be treated. About crusing on the other guy I imagine he doesn't feel the same toward you, what you need to do is distance yourself from him, avoid him, work on moving on emotionally. That does not happen easily you need to put some work into this, every day you need to deprogram yourself from crusing on him. If there is no progress then seek a professional to speak with that can help you sort your feelings. 2
FMW Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 You know how it feels to be hurt by someone - don't knowingly do it to someone else. As has been advised above, leave this new guy alone, and leave other guys alone until you get your issues under control. I definitely think you should see a therapist. According to your other posts you've been hung up on this other person and whatever circumstances were involved in a serious way for a long time. At this point it's probably not reasonable to think you can just work your way through it on your own or by posting here. And certainly not by using other men as distraction. The strong and smart thing to do is to know when you need more help and to get it, there's no reason to continue the way things have been. 1 1 1
Author Realitysux Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: You know what you need to do, you just don't want to put in the effort. No one will put your life back on track for you. It needs to come from within yourself. You need to stop using this current man and feeding him false hope. Treat others with integrity just like you'd want to be treated. About crusing on the other guy I imagine he doesn't feel the same toward you, what you need to do is distance yourself from him, avoid him, work on moving on emotionally. That does not happen easily you need to put some work into this, every day you need to deprogram yourself from crusing on him. If there is no progress then seek a professional to speak with that can help you sort your feelings. Really going to be honest here but you all need to ease up on your advice for therapy. You don't know me doll
Mystery4u Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 3 minutes ago, Realitysux said: Really going to be honest here but you all need to ease up on your advice for therapy. You don't know me doll You invite a man to spend the night when you don't even want to do anything because your mind is on someone else. He then asks you the reason for it and you lie to his face. That's twice you have been extremely selfish and only thinking about yourself even though your actions are affecting someone else. You need more than therapy. 5
poppyfields Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) I don't get this aversion to therapy or even the suggestion to seek it. People post their issues on this forum, some quite serious that in many cases would warrant therapy. I am currently back in therapy myself, due to extreme anxiety due to covid, my extremely high workload, starting law school next month. Life in general which can become overwhelming at times! Nothing to be ashamed of, yet some folks react like they're being accused of having a serious mental illness or something. Which, if true, is nothing to be ashamed of either. Not referring to you specifically RN, I just see that defensive posture time and again on various forums and don't understand the mindset. Edit: No disrespect but I echo Gaeta's sentiments. Then again, if you are not open to it, it will not help you. Edited July 11, 2020 by poppyfields 4
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 11 minutes ago, Realitysux said: Really going to be honest here but you all need to ease up on your advice for therapy. You don't know me doll It's precisely because I don't know you that I suggested therapy. It's the responsible suggestion. I'm an amateur on the internet, not a professional. You went though a lot with your EX. You let him string you along. You made a lot of bad choices. Now here you are making more bad choices. Since you don't know why you do what you do, what's wrong with seeking professional guidance to help you sort it out? It's not a crack. It's not an insult. It's a suggestion that you use resources available to you. 5
BaileyB Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) As to your original question, I don’t really see how this man has power over you. It would seem to me that you are the one holding all the cards, playing all the games here... The poor guy is just trying to figure out your intentions... Edited July 11, 2020 by BaileyB 2
smackie9 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) Nothing wrong with navigating through other interactions to figure yerself out. Obviously hanging out with this guy isn't what you need right now so ditch him, he's a waste of your energy. Maybe have a fresh start and go find fun things to do with your son, network with other moms, chat, share stories, maybe have outings on nice days, find a hobby. Free yourself and your thoughts of men for a short while so you can clear your head a bit. Shake it off. Get some positivity going in your life Edited July 11, 2020 by smackie9 1
Author Realitysux Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 4 hours ago, smackie9 said: Nothing wrong with navigating through other interactions to figure yerself out. Obviously hanging out with this guy isn't what you need right now so ditch him, he's a waste of your energy. Maybe have a fresh start and go find fun things to do with your son, network with other moms, chat, share stories, maybe have outings on nice days, find a hobby. Free yourself and your thoughts of men for a short while so you can clear your head a bit. Shake it off. Get some positivity going in your life I like this advice 1
Author Realitysux Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 I need to talk about it. I'm feeling very content on my own. I like my job. I told the guy the truth but he may not be mature enough to handle it. I like the way my career is going and I don't really need a man. Sex is great and it would be nice to have it frequently but I'm sure if I wait then the sex would be better. I am friends with this guy but that's it. I don't like him any more then a friend and he seems to want more from me. I also have to be careful at work because these aren't men who value womens skills. Men don't think like that. Women have to use their skills and sell them.
Author Realitysux Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 18 minutes ago, smackie9 said: careful at work? what kind of work? I'm a taper and into the trades. I'm fortunate enough to land the work I'm landng but it's a male dominated Industry. They don't really value womens skills the same as a man. Men also have this fantasy of having sex with women on the job site so you have to be careful with those men. Most men are in relationships but cheat and other men are single for a reason. My point is you're networking with a lot of men every day but not quality. I have to be professional at all times. I have crossed the line once or twice but I only slept with one guy who I met at work. Edited July 11, 2020 by Realitysux
dispatch3d Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 18 hours ago, Realitysux said: I'll just add that this guy isn't bothered we didn't sleep together. He asked if I wanted to go to the market but I told him I was going to spend the day with my son. He also said he wasn't just with me for sex so it didn't bother him if we didn't have it. I think you are right because he wants more from me then I can give him. I highly doubt this assumption is true. I'm miffed at how you can even think that.
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, Realitysux said: I feel like I should have been asking these questions all along but I didn't think the guy would ever accept me back to be honest. I'm not dating him or anything and he doesn't even talk to me directly. Yesterday I had a guy spend the night and I read something that hinted he wanted to get back in touch and I didn't sleep with this other guy. I ordered pizza, left him to eat it alone and went to bed. I woke up before him and left him sleeping. He woke up and asked me questions if there was someone else or if other guys are asking me out and what not. I told him his drinking kind of gets to me but the guy was sober last night. The truth is, I didn't want to touch him because of this other guy! I'm still crushing hard. What should I do? You know he wants more. This is kind of cruel. You KNOW he didn't come by to have a sleepover, like you're two girls in middle school. You left him there to eat a pizza alone....and then you just went to bed...imagine what he must have felt like, just sitting there...like some sort of fool. I'm not a guy but I can't see why he'd ever want to hang out with you again. Edited July 12, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 4 1
Author Realitysux Posted July 12, 2020 Author Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: You know he wants more. This is kind of cruel. You KNOW he didn't come by to have a sleepover, like you're two girls in middle school. You left him there to eat a pizza alone....and then you just went to bed...imagine what he must have felt like, just sitting there...like some sort of fool. I'm not a guy but I can't see why he'd ever want to hang out with you again. Woah I'm not irresponsible with anyone's feelings and I would never hurt anyone. He is my best friend right now and he even called me late last night to say hi. He can comfortably sit on my couch and eat without me and he isn't like this at all. He was fine we didn't sleep together. He text me to tell me he snooped through my phone and apologized but he was curious what kind of options I ad. I explained to him, I need to move on from a situation and that I shouldn't be sleeping with or dating anyone and he was fine with that. I can't get past the hacking in the last relationship. I can't get over the fact that most of the advice given to me is based on hacking and in 7 years, this guy didn't want me past the first two months. Don't get me wrong as I am fine with it. Looking back, my gut was right. The truth is, my life sucked. It was my fault and I kept giving excuses but when he gave me attention then I kind of wanted to play a role of a really great catch but I got carried away. You guys have to watch your advice because it isn't how reality is viewed. I wouldn't have brought someone home of they couldn't handle the outcome and I knew this guy would be fine. We're still best friends. I could sleep with him anytime but I'm not going to. We work together and to really get your blood moving, he used to be my boss. Edited July 12, 2020 by Realitysux
Gaeta Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Lets go back to your original question. It's normal to emotionally hang on for a while to someone we loved and that rejected us. We are emotional beings, so yes it will take a while to mourn and let go of someone we had put a lot of hope in. This ex man rejected you only back in February, it's been 5 months. Some people need more time than others to move on, it depends on many factors. Once it took me 1 year to get over a man I had only dated 5 months and this with 0 contact. Every situation is difference. If you had written that some man you dated 5 years ago still has some power over you then yes, it's not normal. You need to do what we all need to do when experiencing a love deception, we delete and block contact on social media, we delete phone numbers/emails, we delete pictures and anything that reminds us of this person. When this person pops up in our mind we self-talk ourselves into thinking of something else. Pick a happy moment, a happy memory and make it your memory to go to as soon as Mr. X pops up in your mind. Every time my ex popped up in my mind I chased that memory away and replaced it with memories of my hometown by the sea, my feet in the hot sand, the sound of the waves, the smell of the sea in the wind, all you need is 1 minute of a happy moment and the ex is out of your mind. If you still continue having contact with that ex then expect it will take you months probably years of feeling trapped in your feelings for him. I've done it and I regret. Once I broke up with a man and continued working for him, it took me 3 + years to move on.It was 3 difficult years of feeling crushed, defeated, lost, mad, sad, name it! How much time you have to waste getting over this man....you can pick the short trail or the long one. 1
smackie9 Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 16 hours ago, Realitysux said: I'm a taper and into the trades. I'm fortunate enough to land the work I'm landng but it's a male dominated Industry. They don't really value womens skills the same as a man. Men also have this fantasy of having sex with women on the job site so you have to be careful with those men. Most men are in relationships but cheat and other men are single for a reason. My point is you're networking with a lot of men every day but not quality. I have to be professional at all times. I have crossed the line once or twice but I only slept with one guy who I met at work. Ya keeping professional is key. It's too bad, wherever you are, there's still discrimination against women. I say stick with it and invite more women to work in the trades. Whatever those men are up to in their private lives, just tune it out. You don't need to be pulled into their bs.
Author Realitysux Posted July 12, 2020 Author Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Lets go back to your original question. It's normal to emotionally hang on for a while to someone we loved and that rejected us. We are emotional beings, so yes it will take a while to mourn and let go of someone we had put a lot of hope in. This ex man rejected you only back in February, it's been 5 months. Some people need more time than others to move on, it depends on many factors. Once it took me 1 year to get over a man I had only dated 5 months and this with 0 contact. Every situation is difference. If you had written that some man you dated 5 years ago still has some power over you then yes, it's not normal. You need to do what we all need to do when experiencing a love deception, we delete and block contact on social media, we delete phone numbers/emails, we delete pictures and anything that reminds us of this person. When this person pops up in our mind we self-talk ourselves into thinking of something else. Pick a happy moment, a happy memory and make it your memory to go to as soon as Mr. X pops up in your mind. Every time my ex popped up in my mind I chased that memory away and replaced it with memories of my hometown by the sea, my feet in the hot sand, the sound of the waves, the smell of the sea in the wind, all you need is 1 minute of a happy moment and the ex is out of your mind. If you still continue having contact with that ex then expect it will take you months probably years of feeling trapped in your feelings for him. I've done it and I regret. Once I broke up with a man and continued working for him, it took me 3 + years to move on.It was 3 difficult years of feeling crushed, defeated, lost, mad, sad, name it! How much time you have to waste getting over this man....you can pick the short trail or the long one. I honestly am crying but that's a good thing. I'm just letting myself cry all fng day. Releasing all the pain he caused me. I was trained and it affected my work, my job, my family life, my friendships, my productivity. I wish I could do more to wipe him out of my memory but I guess it takes time. Thanks I'm not at fault for the depth of this obsession either. I'm not responsible for the length of time. I feel empty but looking back I felt empty before. That could be how the obsession started. I was so numb and I couldn't feel anything and then I felt something but he wasn't the right one for me. After I left, I felt empty again and I just didn't care. I couldn't really get out of bed or do much but I didn't have anyone supportive. They all took advantage of me and stole off me. I ended up online for some distraction and he came online and made it an abusive journey for me. I regret meeting him. I wish I never met him. I hate him so much. I wish he would die to be honest. Edited July 12, 2020 by Realitysux
Calmandfocused Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Reality, I get it, I really do. Lots of people on here recommended I get therapy too. The reason being that I had a pattern of choosing men who were abusive to me. I was appalled as I perceived that posters here thought I was the problem. I thought posters were not grasping my issue. Additionally, I have never had any current or previous mental health problems so I couldn’t see why I needed the therapy. Surely the people who needed the therapy were the men who had abused me? ....... However I did get therapy and frankly it was the best thing I ever did. It served 2 functions: Firstly I was able to process, work through and recover from the trauma of my previous relationships. Secondly, I was able to establish what attracted me to these men in the first place and the reasons why. The ultimate aim being that I will recognise these types in the future and stay right away from them. My point is that it really helped me to learn, recover and grow. And it could for you too. I don’t know your back story but if there is something keeping you stuck I’d strongly recommend the same approach.
Author Realitysux Posted July 12, 2020 Author Posted July 12, 2020 35 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Reality, I get it, I really do. Lots of people on here recommended I get therapy too. The reason being that I had a pattern of choosing men who were abusive to me. I was appalled as I perceived that posters here thought I was the problem. I thought posters were not grasping my issue. Additionally, I have never had any current or previous mental health problems so I couldn’t see why I needed the therapy. Surely the people who needed the therapy were the men who had abused me? ....... However I did get therapy and frankly it was the best thing I ever did. It served 2 functions: Firstly I was able to process, work through and recover from the trauma of my previous relationships. Secondly, I was able to establish what attracted me to these men in the first place and the reasons why. The ultimate aim being that I will recognise these types in the future and stay right away from them. My point is that it really helped me to learn, recover and grow. And it could for you too. I don’t know your back story but if there is something keeping you stuck I’d strongly recommend the same approach. I don't think I need therapy. You guys do not understand what happened with this guy for 7 years and what he left things like. He hacked me and used sites I was visiting to wrote to me about a connection. He would have real people everywhere connect with me and give me advice I wasn't asking for. They just blurted out advice and I remember just laughing at this women with these two guys at work. It was hurtful though because it was rejection. I hated myself in their presence. I feel depressed today but it'll get better in time. They would tell me to let go and move on and I was thinking years I would if it was that easy. Speaking with these people, they didn't care much about me and as a result of connecting with them, I fell deeper into depression and loneliness. I can do much. I feel a bit weak and dizzy. I feel a calm after the storm too and that's usually when things start to settle and you can rebuild. From day 1, I knew I wasn't the right one for this man so the fact it dragged out for 7 years really hits me like I could have been over it by now. If I told you what he did you would have asked me why i didn't block them. They meant what they were writing. This guy did not like me romantically after the first two months. I felt good connecting with other men but I just have found my guy yet. I don't think I will for a bit. I am sleeping with someone and I am going to continue to sleep with the guy because it feels good.
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