elaine567 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: I see it differently. BUT, 5 hours ago, Pearl_x said: He didn’t tell me he needed space.
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 6 hours ago, Pearl_x said: It’s actually always his way ^^^ this is the other issue.
poppyfields Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 51 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: So she should punish his bad behavior and treat him like a child who needs to be reprimanded. Do you really think that is going to end well?? Well, if he acts like a child, which imo he is, then yeah, treat him like a child! I don't see this as punishing him, I see it as Pearl maintaining proper boundaries, being self-protective, not tolerating BS behavior, and respecting herself. If he wants to turn the table. gaslight her and call it punishing, so be. He is the one who chose to ignore her for 4 days, versus acting like a grownup and commuicating... Pearl, hope dinner turns out well! Let us know. 2
stillafool Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 52 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: The OP has made it clear that she doesn't want to break up with him. So if she wants to salvage the relationship/trip next month, her only option is to "play nice". If she is desperate enough to hold on to this guy you are correct about her only option to do so. 1
stillafool Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 4 hours ago, Pearl_x said: I don’t think he wants to end it. He’s being upbeat and called to ask if I still wanted to have dinner So after the way he has treated you you are now gleefully happy to go to dinner with him? 2
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 I wouldn't rely on what he says but what he does. He TAKES space. She asks if the problem is them--he won't say that it isn't, ie the problem is them. Even the fact that "he didn't tell me he needed space" yet she is not on some level honoring the space he is taking says that the relationship is broken. She can't just chase after him and he is the only problem. She is demanding he respond when he doesn't want to. So both are in the wrong. It's one sided looking from the side we are presented with. Even if he shuts down, and it's not acceptable, she accepts it. I wouldn't accept it. So if he is 100% the bad guy, she has a choice, ie to break up with him. If he is not 100% the bad guy, she still has the same choice or perhaps that's one reason she hangs in there. She doesn't want to break up, she doesn't want to find a new person to date and she can't change this guy, so the solution is the same: break up. 2
poppyfields Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, stillafool said: If she is desperate enough to hold on to this guy you are correct about her only option to do so. JMO but making nice/playing nice, which she has been doing by apologizing even when she's not in the wrong, is what got her into this mess. He does not respect her, that's become quite evident at this point. Maybe if she stopped "making nice" when he treats her like cr*p, he would find some respect for her, and things might change for the better. Edited July 11, 2020 by poppyfields
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 12 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Why is she chasing after him? If he is disappearing then boy bye. Because it is the pattern they have developed He starts ignoring and goes silent, she apologises and panders to him and all is hunky dory again. The relief and high she feels when he acknowledges her again is the basis for her love or maybe more accurately her addiction to him... 3
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 5 minutes ago, elaine567 said: ^^^ this is the other issue. i think we are approaching it two different ways. I have no real desire to prove any one person as the bad guy who is evil. That way allows no room for change or progress as there would be no point to do so. In theory, one would suppose she wants a solution, not to prove her boyfriend horrible otherwise why is she staying with him? I suspect there is probably an element of where deep down she knows or at least wonders if she contributes to this mess, hence part of the reason why she stays involved. It makes more sense, to me, to point out that there are probably BOTH contributing to the problem. As I see it she has 3 possible solutions: 1. Accept him as he is and find ways to manage her emotions 2. Accept that he is as he is and they are not compatible and break up 3. Decide he is not acceptable and break up Oh and sorry there is the 4th: keep complaining about it but do nothing to change it and keep contributing to the problem. I'm not emotionally caught up in it like OP would be so there is the distance to see that her bf is probably not all bad and she probably also contributes to their difficulty. It's just logical and realistic. I don't have negative feelings toward men where I can't see it. I'm not defending his behavior either, nor hers. Also I think all of us have been around a couple or two who play this game. I'm going to leave it back to the rest of the thread. Fair to say we have differing positions but close to the same solution (I think). I'm not a fan of commiserating with a OP while they air problems that have a solution, it's just one he/she are unwilling to undertake. Posts that come on here to complain about their bf/gf but are gleefully going to dinner with him tonight like there was no previous major issue, let's you know there is more going on than that was presented here. they are both in this and probably both contribute to the causes of this--that you won't change my mind on. Anyway it's the OP who matters. Maybe try to convince her of something? 1
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 12 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Because it is the pattern they have developed He starts ignoring and goes silent, she apologises and panders to him and all is hunky dory again. The relief and high she feels when he acknowledges her again is the basis for her love or maybe more accurately her addiction to him... perhaps. That would be a very real reason to why it has generated this feeling within the OP, totally agree. But what is she going to do about it? Just cause there is a valid reason for why OP finds herself stuck in this, doesn't mean she shouldn't do something about it.
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) We have been here before with other posters, they post feeling lost and all depressed... they paint a bad picture. Bad behaviour, abuse, cheating etc... The only solution seems a drastic one. BUT suddenly the errant partner returns bearing gifts and apologies, and it is all seemingly forgotten... Till the next time... Edited July 11, 2020 by elaine567 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 OP, what sort of things do you two generally argue about? 1
dispatch3d Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 four days to apologize..... tell me you've apologized by now. I also read that you have been moving the date around because of your work schedule. Speaking for myself I'd be livid, especially if you weren't apologizing.
elaine567 Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 20 hours ago, Pearl_x said: I didn’t change it. He wanted to after we had planned the dates for a long time and what he wanted wouldn’t work with my work schedule. What does she need to apologise for?
Lorenza Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 1 hour ago, dispatch3d said: four days to apologize..... tell me you've apologized by now. I also read that you have been moving the date around because of your work schedule. Speaking for myself I'd be livid, especially if you weren't apologizing. I never apologise for anything that is outside my power, work schedule affecting the date of my vacation being one of those things. Just because someone choose to be livid and misdirect their annoyance, doesn't mean the other person has to apologize. Now if I didn't send in my vacation request to the hr in time due to negligence, I would say sorry - once.
Author Pearl_x Posted July 12, 2020 Author Posted July 12, 2020 Update. We met for dinner last night. He said that he had really missed me while I was away (10 days) and that after the misunderstanding he wasn’t sure how he felt about everything and he was having a hard time with some other stuff but he knew he needed to see me and now he felt the same as he always had before. He’s now booked our flights for the trip. So that kind of explains his part but the issue here is his way of handling it, perhaps that’s the only the way he knows how but I have now told him that it’s hurtful and it’s not going to wash with me in future. I went with an open mind and the way he was so open and happy to see me I don’t think this is someone I am ready to breakup with yet. However, I have taken on all of the kind advice I have received here and I realise no matter the outcome this time I can’t continuously have repeats of this kind of behaviour, and now I’ve told him as much. Oh and there was no apologising, I had nothing to apologise for this time but perhaps in the past there was some blame on my part so I had always apologised, 1
Happy Lemming Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 1 hour ago, Pearl_x said: He’s now booked our flights for the trip. Enjoy your trip, try to put the past in the past and concentrate on having fun! Take lots of pictures!!
Noproblem Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) Everyone deals with anger differently. I stop talking to people until I calm down. Why should I interact with you if I am upset, I might love you more than anyone, but if you make me upset, I will sulk and ignore you until you fix things since you messed them up, or until I am over it! Sensitivity + ego cause this. Edited July 12, 2020 by Noproblem 1
poppyfields Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 2 minutes ago, Noproblem said: Everyone deals with anger differently. I stop talking to people until I calm down. Why should I interact with you if I am upset, I might love you more than anyone, but if you make me upset, I will sulk and ignore you until you fix things since you messed them up, or until I am over it! Great point! I am somewhat the same, not for four days though. Maybe a day tops and I explain, I don't disappear and wait for bf to chase me down asking me "are you okay"? Pearl, I am glad it worked out! 1
elaine567 Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 47 minutes ago, Noproblem said: , I might love you more than anyone, but if you make me upset, I will sulk and ignore you until you fix things since you messed them up, or until I am over it! The OP did not mess things up, HE messed things up then HE went on a massive 4 day sulk... That is why there is a big problem here... 2
Gaeta Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 He did not sulk 4 days. Day 1: Issue comes up Day 2: He replied to her text Day 3: No communication Day 4: He contacts her. It's 1 day no contact, top. 4
Versacehottie Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 1 hour ago, Noproblem said: Everyone deals with anger differently. I stop talking to people until I calm down. Why should I interact with you if I am upset, I might love you more than anyone, but if you make me upset, I will sulk and ignore you until you fix things since you messed them up, or until I am over it! Sensitivity + ego cause this. Yes, my point exactly. Lots of guys (and some girls) I know, retreat a bit until they calm down--that doesn't make them bad--it''s just how they manage their anger or frustration. OP is not more in the right if she chases after him, demanding communication or to hash things out when that is not how they are wired. The couple has to figure out a way to deal with it together or decide it can't be bridged and they are incompatible. this is just part of being with someone--not that you blindly accept everything they throw your way but that their processes are sometimes just who they are, and aren't either bad or good full stop but something to be dealt with in a productive way. Up to her limit, maybe letting him take the space is exactly what she needs to do. And there is no saying that her way is the correct way to deal with it--probably each a little of both. They both behave a little badly, have their coping ways which are at odds with the other person's coping ways and it's a bump--they can find ways to deal with it or not; it does no good to presume that one person is all bad and wrong especially if OP isn't going to do anything about it. She's back and cheery today--made it through the bump. I would just say that this space could be helpful for them--she just needs to figure out her boundaries of what is acceptable to her about them and what isn't. It's good that she spoke up last night--I got the feeling she's done that before though without the results SHE wanted--I think the next step is to take action rather than words IMO. 1
poppyfields Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 On 7/11/2020 at 2:48 AM, Pearl_x said: My boyfriend and I both in our 30’s approaching one year together next week. We’ve been planning a trip for next month and had some let’s call them clashes regarding the booking. A few days ago he said he was tired of going around in circles with it. I explained that I couldn’t do what he wanted and he then said ‘Do you want to keep doing this, it’s not really working is it?’ I said I didn’t see any problem other than I can’t comply with what he was asking but he if does see a problem and he wants to break up then just say so. Later on that night he said he still wanted to go on the trip and he would confirm the details the next day. So this was day 1. Day 2, I didn’t hear from him all day, very unusual so I messaged him in the late afternoon just ‘Are you ok?’ He read the message and took about an hour to respond with ‘yeh I’m fine had a lot on today, you?’ I said I was fine too then he asked if we were still doing something on Saturday (the first weekend we have been able to go out since lockdown) so I said yes it would be nice to and that I was returning from my work trip the next day. He didn’t reply to that and I haven’t heard from him since then, now on the morning of day 4. Gaeta, I think it was 4 days, see bolded..
dispatch3d Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 10 hours ago, Lorenza said: I never apologise for anything that is outside my power, work schedule affecting the date of my vacation being one of those things. Just because someone choose to be livid and misdirect their annoyance, doesn't mean the other person has to apologize. Now if I didn't send in my vacation request to the hr in time due to negligence, I would say sorry - once. I mean, I detach an apology from blame. I might apologize because something I did made someone else feel bad, but at the same time not agree with them or their reasoning. The apology is more about how the other person felt, not about who is right/wrong. There are times where I've been incredibly peeved and in the wrong, that didn't mean I didn't deserve an apology - at the time the girl should have apologized - it just meant I wasn't accepting of what happened.
smackie9 Posted July 12, 2020 Posted July 12, 2020 Look up Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse | The Gottman Institute, on you tube. This will help you.
Recommended Posts