Redhead14 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Just now, poppyfields said: Not sure what becoming NASA means, lol, but than that, Redhead is spot on! NASA is the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics. They run the space program. There is a famous quote from Apollo 13 flight from radio transmissions between the astronauts and the space base at Houston when they reported that the capsule was in trouble (which is actually an erroneous quote) but its used often -- "Houston we have a problem". 2
stillafool Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 As long as you continue to chase him he will never give you the respect you deserve. I'm with Redhead, if a guy asks for space give them the universe. Continuing to contact him for answers when he's asked for space makes you look desperate for him. TBH, if I were you I would be so put off by his behavior I would no longer want to go away with him and he'd have to come looking for me at this point. He's trying to break up with you. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Pearl_x said: He replied to me that he’s not feeling right at the moment, I asked with me or in general. He said he doesn’t know. I said I will leave him be for now but not to keep doing the silent thing as it’s horrible and confusing. Pre-empt him and end this now. It's unacceptable. If this were the first time, maybe, I'd tried to ride it out a little and address it later. But it's too often. Call him and tell him you're moving on. If he doesn't answer the call, send him a text. Then block, delete, forget, forever. Don't let him have this kind of power over you. I'm pissed off for you!!!! Get in touch with your anger but use it in a positive way to take some power back for yourself and move on. Edited July 11, 2020 by Redhead14 3
poppyfields Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Redhead14 said: NASA is the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics. They run the space program. There is a famous quote from Apollo 13 flight from radio transmissions between the astronauts and the space base at Houston when they reported that the capsule was in trouble (which is actually an erroneous quote) but its used often -- "Houston we have a problem". Oh I know what NASA is, I wasn't sure how one becomes that - a national advisory committee. Lol. Sorry I meant it as tongue n cheek. And Apollo 13 is a great movie! But anyway, agree when your bf disappears or tells you he needs space, it's best to take your own space and then some! Edited July 11, 2020 by poppyfields
Redhead14 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: Oh I know what NASA is, I wasnt sure how one becomes that - a national advisory committee. Lol. Sorry I meant in tongue n cheek. But anyway, agree when your bf disappears or tells you he needs space, it's best to take your own space and then some! It's a metaphor . . . 1
Author Pearl_x Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 He didn’t tell me he needed space. If he used those words straight up I would end it. He’s carried on the conversation after I said that I would leave him be. And by that in my head I meant I would leave him for now but if he goes another day without talking to me I wouldn’t be reaching out to him again and that would be us done.
BaileyB Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Well, so much for enjoying a happy vacation together. Unfortunately, he’s pretty much ruined any chance of that. I’m sorry this is happening Pearl. But I tend to agree with the others, this is very unattractive behavior in a partner. Imagine living with a man who throws a tantrum, won’t communicate, and won’t apologize. This is a big red flag for how this man deals with conflict in a relationship, which is so important when considering something long term because there is always conflict in any relationship... 1
poppyfields Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Pearl_x said: He replied to me that he’s not feeling right at the moment, I asked with me or in general. He said he doesn’t know. I said I will leave him be for now but not to keep doing the silent thing as it’s horrible and confusing. Oh I think he does know, he just hasn't gathered the courage to tell you or he wants you to end it. If me, I'd be ending it. You should too imo, the writing is on the wall as they say. You do NOT need his approval to do so. Edited July 11, 2020 by poppyfields
Author Pearl_x Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 I don’t think he wants to end it. He’s being upbeat and called to ask if I still wanted to have dinner
Happy Lemming Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 2 hours ago, Pearl_x said: I don’t think he wants to end it. He’s being upbeat and called to ask if I still wanted to have dinner Keep in mind the pandemic is going to be around for quite a while. Dating new people is going to be even more challenging. So unless you want to be alone, both of you are going to have to figure out how to navigate these "little bumps in the road".
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 5 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: Guys get in "moods" like everyone else. When we "date plan" it is very upsetting when the woman wants to change the date/times, etc. It makes us feel like our efforts were for naught. Surprise him... Pick up a pizza, show up at his house and have sex with him. All will be right with the world, again. Men are simple creatures. She would be rewarding bad behaviour. And that usually works out well for the person who is on the receiving end...not. 1
Acacia98 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 9 hours ago, Pearl_x said: Whenever he is angry or upset at me he does this ignoring thing, it’s horrible but I always have to go after him and apologise. This isn't good, OP. Now I'm gonna ask you a question about this: Do you have a limit? I mean, if he were to do something as bad as cheating on you then got angry and gave you the silent treatment when you caught him red-handed, would you apologize to him? If you two had a kid together and he hit and injured the kid, would you apologize to him for that? Mine is a genuine question. I'm trying to gauge where the line is for you. Is there something that would make you say "Enough is enough. I'm done"?
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 4 hours ago, stillafool said: As long as you continue to chase him he will never give you the respect you deserve. I'm with Redhead, if a guy asks for space give them the universe. Continuing to contact him for answers when he's asked for space makes you look desperate for him. TBH, if I were you I would be so put off by his behavior I would no longer want to go away with him and he'd have to come looking for me at this point. He's trying to break up with you. Agreed, Yeah, that's what I see too (bolded above). OP, you have to break the pattern. If he truly is "ignoring" you, then don't contact him, which it sounds like you are doing. You can make up a time frame that suits you after which you no longer consider yourself in a relationship. If you really want things to change, you've got to stop doing what you always do and let him feel the pain of potentially losing you. When he said he doesn't feel good, and then you ask if it's about you and he doesn't clarify that it iSN'T, safe to assume it IS you guys.
Happy Lemming Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 8 minutes ago, elaine567 said: She would be rewarding bad behaviour. And that usually works out well for the person who is on the receiving end...not. So she should punish his bad behavior and treat him like a child who needs to be reprimanded. Do you really think that is going to end well??
stillafool Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 4 hours ago, Pearl_x said: He didn’t tell me he needed space. If he used those words straight up I would end it. He’s carried on the conversation after I said that I would leave him be. And by that in my head I meant I would leave him for now but if he goes another day without talking to me I wouldn’t be reaching out to him again and that would be us done. By ignoring you he is telling you he needs space. He just does it in a passive aggressive way by ignoring you rather than coming right out and saying "I need space away from you so leave me alone."
stillafool Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said: So she should punish his bad behavior and treat him like a child who needs to be reprimanded. Do you really think that is going to end well?? No, but since this is a pattern with him she should just break up with him. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 4 hours ago, Redhead14 said: Pre-empt him and end this now. It's unacceptable. If this were the first time, maybe, I'd tried to ride it out a little and address it later. But it's too often. Call him and tell him you're moving on. If he doesn't answer the call, send him a text. Then block, delete, forget, forever. Don't let him have this kind of power over you. I'm pissed off for you!!!! Get in touch with your anger but use it in a positive way to take some power back for yourself and move on. Totally agree with this solution. Not 100% on the exact causes but yeah this is 100% the right solution.
Happy Lemming Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Just now, stillafool said: No, but since this is a pattern with him she should just break up with him. The OP has made it clear that she doesn't want to break up with him. So if she wants to salvage the relationship/trip next month, her only option is to "play nice". 1
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 3 hours ago, Pearl_x said: I don’t think he wants to end it. He’s being upbeat and called to ask if I still wanted to have dinner So on one level, if we take the side you have presented as all that is going on (which rarely is but I digress), he's had his tantrum and is over it now. Why don't you just let him have tantrums in the future and know he'll come out of it eventually. In a way, the corner he puts himself in will be one of his own making and he will come out of the cold freeze eventually. People are who they are and this seems like his coping mechanism and your pattern with each other. If you can find a way, to let him be when he's like that, ie don't reward bad behavior as someone said above, then you have an understanding of each other. I think you find it so upsetting though that you aren't ok with that but for whatever reason put up with it IN SPITE of not being ok with it. You have to be willing to do what is hard and draw the line at what you don't find acceptable in a relationship. Otherwise you really are a participant as well. Like someone who was not ok with it and had drawn the line, probably wouldn't go to dinner with him tonight, after all, he wanted space. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 21 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: The OP has made it clear that she doesn't want to break up with him. So if she wants to salvage the relationship/trip next month, her only option is to "play nice". ohh agreed. It doesn't seem like OP wants to break up with him. If this is the person and situation she wants to bargain for, at some point she needs to not complain or expect that things will change but work with what she's got. For the record, I don't think she "should" do that. It seems like there is dysfunction and resentment from both sides. But if she persists and isn't going to do better for herself, she needs to find a way to make it work for her. I'd bet it's a dynamic but let's take her account as 100% the case, then she is signing up for a very one-sided relationship. It seems like it's past the point where that will change and the patterns they both have created and utilize won't allow for change--especially if she is not willing to change what she does. By that i mean, the guy asked for space, why are you chasing after him with a text or a phone call? Give it to him. Let him wonder if YOU will be back, OP. Also if he needs "space" and she is demanding or expecting a response and not honoring that in effect, we don't have the whole story. I mean what was so crucial to speak about that she needed to talk to him--the demand that he don't leave her hanging about if they are or are not together, going to see each other, what exactly? She has the power to decide on her own if they will or will not keep going, no need to get in touch with someone that said he needs space. His bed, let him lay in it. Both are participants at this point. 1
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 12 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Why don't you just let him have tantrums in the future and know he'll come out of it eventually. In a way, the corner he puts himself in will be one of his own making and he will come out of the cold freeze eventually. But he KNOWS how he is feeling, he KNOWS he is doing it to punish Pearl or to underline his power or "just because" he felt like it or for any other reason... he KNOWS this is not "the end" and he also KNOWS if this IS "the end" too. Knowledge is power Pearl every time he does this, is in hell, she has no idea if this is just a tantrum or if he is just sulking, or he is ill..etc. or if this is actually "the end". He holds all the cards as she loves him and he no doubt knows that very well. Next time it may be 6 days or a week or two weeks before he deigns to speak to her, she has no idea what will happen, this time it came out of the blue so she can't control anything. She can never really relax and feel secure, and will end up chronically on edge, waiting for the axe to fall. Meantime he gets an ego boost and has established his power.
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 9 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: By that i mean, the guy asked for space, why are you chasing after him with a text or a phone call? He didn't ask for space. He went MIA.
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Just now, elaine567 said: But he KNOWS how he is feeling, he KNOWS he is doing it to punish Pearl or to underline his power or "just because" he felt like it or for any other reason... he KNOWS this is not "the end" and he also KNOWS if this IS "the end" too. Knowledge is power Pearl every time he does this, is in hell, she has no idea if this is just a tantrum or if he is just sulking, or he is ill..etc. or if this is actually "the end". He holds all the cards as she loves him and he no doubt knows that very well. Next time it may be 6 days or a week or two weeks before he deigns to speak to her, she has no idea what will happen, this time it came out of the blue so she can't control anything. She can never really relax and feel secure, and will end up chronically on edge, waiting for the axe to fall. Meantime he gets an ego boost and has established his power. Well you are taking her account as 100% the truth, I'm not really. BUT, I do agree with you that this is the current outcome. She really has one choice if she wants to change it up which she is unwilling to do. So effectively she accepts these conditions. Not gonna keep blaming her sh*t boyfriend, when if she accepts how it is, and won't break up with him, she is part of the problem 2
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: He didn't ask for space. He went MIA. I see it differently. In any case, if he's disappearing on her, she should let him fly like the wind. Why is she chasing after him? If he is disappearing then boy bye. 2
poppyfields Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 4 hours ago, Pearl_x said: I don’t think he wants to end it. He’s being upbeat and called to ask if I still wanted to have dinner Let's see what he has to say over dinner. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. 1
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