Pearl_x Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 My boyfriend and I both in our 30’s approaching one year together next week. We’ve been planning a trip for next month and had some let’s call them clashes regarding the booking. A few days ago he said he was tired of going around in circles with it. I explained that I couldn’t do what he wanted and he then said ‘Do you want to keep doing this, it’s not really working is it?’ I said I didn’t see any problem other than I can’t comply with what he was asking but he if does see a problem and he wants to break up then just say so. Later on that night he said he still wanted to go on the trip and he would confirm the details the next day. So this was day 1. Day 2, I didn’t hear from him all day, very unusual so I messaged him in the late afternoon just ‘Are you ok?’ He read the message and took about an hour to respond with ‘yeh I’m fine had a lot on today, you?’ I said I was fine too then he asked if we were still doing something on Saturday (the first weekend we have been able to go out since lockdown) so I said yes it would be nice to and that I was returning from my work trip the next day. He didn’t reply to that and I haven’t heard from him since then, now on the morning of day 4. Whenever he is angry or upset at me he does this ignoring thing, it’s horrible but I always have to go after him and apologise. Something feels different now, I don’t feel I did anything out of line and I don’t know what to do? Should I try to message him again? Or just give him space for now and wait for him to message me?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 1 hour ago, Pearl_x said: it’s horrible but I always have to go after him and apologise. Something feels different now, I don’t feel I did anything out of line and I don’t know what to do? Should I try to message him again? Or just give him space for now and wait for him to message me? Yes, you're right - it's a sign that something is fundamentally wrong in your relationship. It seems this is a pattern. It's not healthy, Pearl. Why do you two have this dynamic, and why do you tolerate it? No, don't try to message him again. Instead, reflect on whether this relationship is actually worth salvaging. Based on the little you have written, there is dysfunction here that is not isolated to this specific episode. Is this really what you want in your life? 2 1
Maldives Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) I kinda know what it is I must admit I'm guilty of this myself to some extent. It's because he really really wants the two of you to go on this thing and is excited so when you said you can't which is perfectly fine he's feeling disappointed and it's hard for him to reciprocate love hence the ignoring Edited July 11, 2020 by Goodguy05
Author Pearl_x Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 3 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said: I kinda know what it is I must admit I'm guilty of this myself to some extent. It's because he really really wants the two of you to go on this thing and is excited so when you said you can't which is perfectly fine he's feeling disappointed and it's hard for him to reciprocate love I didn’t say I couldn’t go. We just had a conflict with dates and times which in the end was resolved. 1
introverted1 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 2 hours ago, Pearl_x said: I explained that I couldn’t do what he wanted and he then said ‘Do you want to keep doing this, it’s not really working is it?’ I said I didn’t see any problem other than I can’t comply with what he was asking but he if does see a problem and he wants to break up then just say so. It sounds like the seed of breaking up has been planted and now he is thinking about it. In general, when couples talk about breaking up, even if they decide not to take action right at that moment, it's a sign that a break up is impending. 3
Author Pearl_x Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 1 minute ago, introverted1 said: It sounds like the seed of breaking up has been planted and now he is thinking about it. In general, when couples talk about breaking up, even if they decide not to take action right at that moment, it's a sign that a break up is impending. So what do I do? Just leave him to think? I don’t really want to break up but if he can go on ignoring me being silent and making me feel like crap I don’t know.
introverted1 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 1 minute ago, Pearl_x said: So what do I do? Just leave him to think? I don’t really want to break up but if he can go on ignoring me being silent and making me feel like crap I don’t know. My take is that you are on the path to a breakup. You might be able to delay it a bit, but I suspect that regardless what action you take now, the breakup is coming. $.02 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 38 minutes ago, Pearl_x said: So what do I do? Just leave him to think? I don’t really want to break up but if he can go on ignoring me being silent and making me feel like crap I don’t know. In all sincerity, why do you not want to break up with someone who treats you like this? 7
Author Pearl_x Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: In all sincerity, why do you not want to break up with someone who treats you like this? Other than I love him and don’t want to go back to being single I don’t know
Happy Lemming Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Guys get in "moods" like everyone else. When we "date plan" it is very upsetting when the woman wants to change the date/times, etc. It makes us feel like our efforts were for naught. Surprise him... Pick up a pizza, show up at his house and have sex with him. All will be right with the world, again. Men are simple creatures. 1
Author Pearl_x Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 9 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Guys get in "moods" like everyone else. When we "date plan" it is very upsetting when the woman wants to change the date/times, etc. It makes us feel like our efforts were for naught. Surprise him... Pick up a pizza, show up at his house and have sex with him. All will be right with the world, again. Men are simple creatures. I didn’t change it. He wanted to after we had planned the dates for a long time and what he wanted wouldn’t work with my work schedule.
Happy Lemming Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 1 minute ago, Pearl_x said: I didn’t change it. He wanted to after we had planned the dates for a long time and what he wanted wouldn’t work with my work schedule. OK... do you want to be right or happy? He is in a "mood" (details don't matter), he thinks you don't appreciate his efforts. You've got the ability to fix this. Do you want to stand on principle or do you want a nice happy trip?? By the way, is he paying for this trip or are you splitting the costs 50/50?? 1
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 32 minutes ago, Pearl_x said: Other than I love him and don’t want to go back to being single I don’t know Even if you love him, he doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't ignore you. He'd communicate. This silent treatment BS undercuts your relationship & is not sustainable in the long run. Staying with him because you are afraid to be alone is a bad reason. Being alone is so much healthier & will make you so much happier then being lonely in a relationship that is not working. A scheduling conflict concerning a fun anniversary trip should not cause insurmountable "clashes." 6
Author Pearl_x Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 I’ve messaged him an hour ago asking if he wants to talk and tell me what’s up. He’s read but not responded yet. 13 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: OK... do you want to be right or happy? He is in a "mood" (details don't matter), he thinks you don't appreciate his efforts. You've got the ability to fix this. Do you want to stand on principle or do you want a nice happy trip?? By the way, is he paying for this trip or are you splitting the costs 50/50?? He is paying for the trip. In the end I had to compromise a bit and that’s why. But seems he still wasn’t happy.
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 If HE changed the dates and she can't go due to her work schedule, then it is hardly her problem to fix. Pearl. He may be setting you up here. He wants to break up but wants you to pull the plug due to his bad behaviour. A guy who makes a habit of stonewalling is not a guy you want to get too involved with. This intermittent withdrawal of affection can be crazy making long term and will make you feel miserable, angry, sad and lonely too, so be careful. 4
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 1 hour ago, Pearl_x said: I didn’t say I couldn’t go. We just had a conflict with dates and times which in the end was resolved. On one hand, taking you at your word that is was simply resolved. On the other hand, I'm guessing he feels that the majority of issues that are resolved are actually him rolling over to do things your way. Sounds like he is at an impasse about whether or not he should keep going forward with you. You might be ok with more conflict than he is. This could be because you are the one who consistently gets her way. On the other hand he could be controlling to the point where he sees any dissent or discussion that doesn't go with his ideas (which would also include scheduling things) as conflict or a diss---though I'd say that is probably less likely due to how he is handling this occurrence & how you said he handles most, where he backs off, reduces contact. He doesn't sound like he's outright ignoring you--he's reducing contact, probably trying to minimize additional conflict, get his thoughts together, take a break from being in an uncomfortable situation all the time. I totally get that your work schedule doesn't work with his proposed dates. Sounds like there are so much deeper things going on and this is just a symptom not the cause. I feel like he is feeling like this is about the final straw. It doesn't look promising. I think you should be prepared for a breakup. Also perhaps a guy with a communication style that works better with yours is exactly what you need. I agree with donnivan that not wanting to be alone is the WRONG reason to stay in something. Sounds like to a degree you tolerate each other.Good luck 3 1
Happy Lemming Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, Pearl_x said: He is paying for the trip. In the end I had to compromise a bit and that’s why. But seems he still wasn’t happy. Well there is your answer, he is "writing the check" and feels unappreciated. If he wants to meet this morning, pick up some bagels and cream cheese, go over to his house and bang his brains out. Sometimes in life, we have to say we are sorry, even if it isn't our fault. This is simple to fix... Do you really want to have this problem hanging over your head for this trip?? If you don't fix it now, the trip will not be enjoyable and filled with tension. 2
Author Pearl_x Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: On one hand, taking you at your word that is was simply resolved. On the other hand, I'm guessing he feels that the majority of issues that are resolved are actually him rolling over to do things your way. Sounds like he is at an impasse about whether or not he should keep going forward with you. You might be ok with more conflict than he is. This could be because you are the one who consistently gets her way. On the other hand he could be controlling to the point where he sees any dissent or discussion that doesn't go with his ideas (which would also include scheduling things) as conflict or a diss---though I'd say that is probably less likely due to how he is handling this occurrence & how you said he handles most, where he backs off, reduces contact. He doesn't sound like he's outright ignoring you--he's reducing contact, probably trying to minimize additional conflict, get his thoughts together, take a break from being in an uncomfortable situation all the time. I totally get that your work schedule doesn't work with his proposed dates. Sounds like there are so much deeper things going on and this is just a symptom not the cause. I feel like he is feeling like this is about the final straw. It doesn't look promising. I think you should be prepared for a breakup. Also perhaps a guy with a communication style that works better with yours is exactly what you need. I agree with donnivan that not wanting to be alone is the WRONG reason to stay in something. Sounds like to a degree you tolerate each other.Good luck It’s actually always his way
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, elaine567 said: If HE changed the dates and she can't go due to her work schedule, then it is hardly her problem to fix. Pearl. He may be setting you up here. He wants to break up but wants you to pull the plug due to his bad behaviour. A guy who makes a habit of stonewalling is not a guy you want to get too involved with. This intermittent withdrawal of affection can be crazy making long term and will make you feel miserable, angry, sad and lonely too, so be careful. Bolded (agreed) is very typical of how guys chose to break up. His conversation with her prior was EXACTLY that. He put the ball in her court to pull the plug but basically said as much to her (that he was ready to do it and doesn't see a point in continuing). It's actually kind of indicative of part of what is going on. And we are only getting one side. Anyway, pretty much everyone can see that it's broken, likely beyond repair. Edited July 11, 2020 by Versacehottie 1
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Pearl_x said: It’s actually always his way ok, I know a small percentage, very small, of guys who plan things for their girlfriends (like I can only think of 1) and are pretty controlling and get completely bent out of shape if things don't go their way and they don't accept with a big old smile, Even if the guys' behavior is presumptive and overbearing. So yeah then why would you stay? If you are always having to apologize and get him back to talking & never get your way, what is the point for you? Edited July 11, 2020 by Versacehottie 1
Redhead14 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 This is a "space" thing. He's pissed/disappointed, whatever, and isolating. Any time someone tells me or shows me that they want space, I become NASA. The can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. Ignoring is immature and manipulative. You always run to him to apologize even if it's something you shouldn't need to apologize for? Don't run after him this time. Let him reach out next no matter how long it takes. Show him you won't be manipulated. If he does reach out, you can let him know that you do not appreciate being ignored and this is not the first time and you will not tolerate it anymore. If he doesn't reach out at all, adios muchacho. This is not acceptable behavior for an adult in a relationship and, if you'd be thinking of marrying, you'd be dealing with this issue for a long time and never really resolving things in the relationship over time. Communication is key to a good relationship. There's no communication if you're being ignored. You'll be dodging a bullet. 6
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 If you feel like everything in the relationship is always his way, that sounds like another good reason to end things. You are resentful of this unbalanced power dynamic. 3
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 You are being manipulated in many ways and now he's resorting to threatening the relationship to get his ways. Don't play his game. Tell him next time he threats the relationship he'll get his wish and break up!. For a relatinship to make it you have to trust each other and not fear every minute he'll blow it cause things don't go his ways. Stop running to him to apologize when you do that you appear weak and he's losing respect for you. 3
poppyfields Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Redhead14 said: This is a "space" thing. He's pissed/disappointed, whatever, and isolating. Any time someone tells me or shows me that they want space, I become NASA. The can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. Ignoring is immature and manipulative. You always run to him to apologize even if it's something you shouldn't need to apologize for? Don't run after him this time. Let him reach out next no matter how long it takes. Show him you won't be manipulated. If he does reach out, you can let him know that you do not appreciate being ignored and this is not the first time and you will not tolerate it anymore. If he doesn't reach out at all, adios muchacho. This is not acceptable behavior for an adult in a relationship and, if you'd be thinking of marrying, you'd be dealing with this issue for a long time and never really resolving things in the relationship over time. Communication is key to a good relationship. There's no communication if you're being ignored. You'll be dodging a bullet. Not sure what becoming NASA means, lol, but other than that, Redhead is spot on! I do get it though, as women we've been taught to be the conciliators, to "make nice" even when HE is behaving poorly and WE have been wronged. This only encourages him to continue acting poorly, you apologizing, rinse repeat. And the conflict never getting resolved. By poorly I mean disappearing, and yes ignoring you when there is a conflict. Among other things but that is what I mean in this instance. Its stonewalling, which is actually a form of mental abuse, please research this, it's true. It is also manipulating and controlling. Red gave excellent advice as to how to handle that but it takes confidence, strength and a belief in yourself that you are worth being treated respectfully. Edited July 11, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author Pearl_x Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 He replied to me that he’s not feeling right at the moment, I asked with me or in general. He said he doesn’t know. I said I will leave him be for now but not to keep doing the silent thing as it’s horrible and confusing.
Recommended Posts