My boyfriend broke up with me for the second time this year.

[bibs120]

My (now ex) boyfriend broke up with me for the second time last night, and I’m struggling to deal with it. Is there any chance of salvaging my relationship or should I just move on? I’m sorry I’m advanced for the lengthy post, I just feel really lost. This is my first relationship ever and I don’t know what to do anymore.

For reference, we are both in our early 20s. We had been dating for almost 2 years now, and we didn’t really have any problems except for family issues. I come from a very conservative family, which meant that I had to keep my relationship a secret from my parents, mainly because they wanted me to focus on school. Another reason for the secrecy is that my ex came from a completely different culture, one my parents don’t particularly approve of. 
The past 2 years were blissful; our honeymoon stage lasted a really long time and we got comfortable with each other. He’s mentioned a few times about meeting my parents early on in the relationship, but I told him at the time that it wasn’t possible since 1) we’d only been dating for a short time, and 2) we’re both still in school and not stable. As much as I wanted for him to meet my family, I knew my parents wouldn’t approve. This eventually led to our first break up earlier this year. 
I went back to school for the semester, and about 2 weeks in, he starts asking about my parents again. I had a really bad feeling in my gut about why he was asking, and when I told him I couldn’t, he dropped it. (But we never really resolved it.) The next few days he started acting distant, not returning my calls or texts, being really cold towards me when we did talk. Eventually I called him out on it, which led to our first break up. His reasoning was that he didn’t feel like he had a place in my family, which I was totally understanding of, but I just couldn’t come to terms with why he was doing this now, when I had just moved back to school (which is far from him) and he’d known about this issue for a long time. We were able to reconcile after a break of 2 days when he came to visit me at school and apologized. I made sure he understood that continuing our relationship would require a lot of fighting with my parents in the future. He accepted it and we went back to “normal”. While everything felt fine, I always had this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach when something felt off.
Skipping forward to the virus outbreak, I returned home to live with my parents again for the remainder of the semester. I wasn’t really allowed outside too much. My ex and I talked everyday and all seemed normal. We were only able to see each other twice during the lockdown, and when we did, it was very awkward. 
Recently, he started his weird behavior of not returning my calls or texts and just refusing to talk to me. The bad feeling in my stomach came back and it was only a matter of time when something was going to happen. 
 I called him out last night, asking why he was acting weird. He kept saying he wanted to meet in person but I refused and told him that I’d he has something to say, he needs to say it now. He told me that he just thought we weren’t working out anymore, and kept apologizing to me. I can’t tell if that’s a real answer, it just feels so incomplete but I didn’t want to keep pushing further. I told him about how I had a feeling that the breakup was coming and how I’ve been feeling so insecure for the past few months since the first break up. The call ended on friendly terms, but I can’t help but feel like something was missing. I don’t know if it was because we weren’t seeing each other as much, or there was a lack of intimacy because of the pandemic. It all just feels so out of the blue..again. 
What complicates things even more is that I now work with him. He was able to get me a part time job for the summer at a place he works and while I might not see him often, I just don’t know how to go about interacting with him when I do see him.

Should I just begin the process of moving on, and losing hope of reconciling? 

[ExpatInItaly]

It's time to really let him go, OP. 

I understand why it hurts, but it also no doubt hurts him that he's not a more significant part of your life by now. If after 2 years he's still a secret from your parents, it doesn't seem like a viable prospect to keep this relationship going. You aren't in a place where you're ready to confront the very difficult step of asserting your independence from your family, so it's not realistic to expect a boyfriend to want to keep dating. 

Yes, he knew this was going to be hard. But so did you. He doesn't see any progress happening in that regard, and since you already know your parents won't accept him because of his cultural background, this didn't have the legs to go anywhere. 2 years is long enough to know it's not going to work.  It's time to close the door and perhaps consider dating someone who you don't feel you need to hide from your family - or start claiming your independence. A relationship cannot survive in the shadows, as you're learning now. 

[d0nnivain]

Until you are ready to introduce him to your parents & they accept him, your relationship is doomed. It never really had a chance.   You are not strong enough to stand up for him & he knows it.  You have been rejected him on some level every day you kept him hidden.  Each of those micro-fissures eventually lead to the break up.  The strain of being apart through lock down made everything worse.  He was a dirty little secret & didn't even get to see you at school  

As for the job it's a summer job.  Just quit.  

[bibs120]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's time to really let him go, OP. 

I understand why it hurts, but it also no doubt hurts him that he's not a more significant part of your life by now. If after 2 years he's still a secret from your parents, it doesn't seem like a viable prospect to keep this relationship going. You aren't in a place where you're ready to confront the very difficult step of asserting your independence from your family, so it's not realistic to expect a boyfriend to want to keep dating. 

Yes, he knew this was going to be hard. But so did you. He doesn't see any progress happening in that regard, and since you already know your parents won't accept him because of his cultural background, this didn't have the legs to go anywhere. 2 years is long enough to know it's not going to work.  It's time to close the door and perhaps consider dating someone who you don't feel you need to hide from your family - or start claiming your independence. A relationship cannot survive in the shadows, as you're learning now. 

Thank you so much for the advice, it really opened my eyes. I thought we could make it work if we made it past my graduation next year, we talked about moving in together after that and the possibility of introducing him to my parents at that point, but I guess things changed when the pandemic hit. I think my biggest mistake was being too hopeful for a future that was most likely not going to work out. I should’ve taken that first break up as a sign and just ended it there. 

[bibs120]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Until you are ready to introduce him to your parents & they accept him, your relationship is doomed. It never really had a chance.   You are not strong enough to stand up for him & he knows it.  You have been rejected him on some level every day you kept him hidden.  Each of those micro-fissures eventually lead to the break up.  The strain of being apart through lock down made everything worse.  He was a dirty little secret & didn't even get to see you at school  

As for the job it's a summer job.  Just quit.  

You’re absolutely right. I never realized it but every time I had to hide him away, he was getting hurt more and more. Young people in my culture find this so normal to hide relationships from parents, but I guess for him it wasn’t. 
I don’t think he was a dirty secret, I did introduce him as a friend to my parents, and I’m sure they had some suspicions of our relationship, but were so young and not at that point of being that serious. It’s really hard to explain, but I guess in my culture, it’s really only appropriate to introduce someone when you’re about to get married, because by then, I know for sure that this person is seriously committed. Unfortunately I think my ex and I were just not there yet. 
As for my summer job, it’s reeeally good money (like insane) and we both said we’d try to work out our schedules so we wouldn’t need to see each other. I’ll just have to try my best to be as professional as possible. 
I’m really grateful for you taking the time to reply and telling it to me straight. It’s definitely what I need to hear and I really think I’m ready to just close this chapter of my life. 

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, bibs120 said:

Thank you so much for the advice, it really opened my eyes. I thought we could make it work if we made it past my graduation next year, we talked about moving in together after that and the possibility of introducing him to my parents at that point

That's asking too much, to be very honest. It's too long when it's already been two years. 

If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't even feel I could depend on that future panning out. You haven't yet summoned up the courage to tell your parents you have a boyfriend, no? I wouldn't then think you would suddenly be ready to tell them that you not only have a boyfriend, but a boyfriend from a culture they don't like, and also that you're moving in together. To him, it probably seems like you would only stall and resist then too. I just wouldn't believe you'd be ready to do it. 

The difficult circumstances of the pandemic only sped up what was an inevitable end. He doesn't want to feel so excluded anymore. It's better to part ways here so you can both find someone more compatible for yourselves. 

 

Edited July 11, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[kendahke]

16 hours ago, bibs120 said:

Should I just begin the process of moving on, and losing hope of reconciling? 

As long as you're under your parent's roof and letting them pay for college, yes. There's no point in going behind their backs when the consequences are getting your funding cut off.  Neither you nor your boyfriend are in a position to support you and pay for you schooling.

Now's just not the right time for your relationship with him.  Once you're done with school and are out from under you parents' roof, you can date anyone you want and not have to deal with their approval. Until that day, you're going to have to submit to them in exchange for funding.