Just had a long distance break up, but now have job offers in her city, what to do?

[Art10]

Hi, 

I have an amazing journey about how I met the best girl in the world. Long story short me and my girlfriend of what would be almost 2 years now had an amazing story of meeting, we met while we were abroad. I decided to do an exchange semester at some random school in Europe, knew no one there, went alone, and didn't even know who my roommates were until I got there. I ended up meeting her through my roommates friend who was there and we became one big friend group. We were from different schools but at the same exchange program, she’s from TX I’m from NY. At the end of the 6 month exchange, we decided we were too good for each other to just give up going back home, so we decided to do LDR. It was going perfectly. We spent that entire summer together with our families pretty much and beyond that would see each other 1-2 long weekends a month during the school year so we were lucky, we’ve been doing LDR since last Aug, til now. In may we both just graduated from college, as we were in our senior years upon return. We had zero major problems ( asides from the occasional boredom and frustration here and there LDR brings) and we would always talk about ending up in the same city. However because of covid we haven’t been able to see each other since March and that has taken an effect. 

This was both our first serious relationship that we cared about and loved this much and saw a future with. We were both the first people that we brought home to our families, we both got so engulfed in our families and life everything was perfect and it was amazing. We fit in amazingly and natural to each others friends groups and finally had someone we wanted to show off. However, all of a sudden, in May she brought up how she has this feeling that she hasn't been able to shake for a couple weeks, that she just doesn't see a future with me, and she doesn't know why. Now she has had a LOT of these "feelings" throughout our relationship, she always thinks worst case scenarios and gets in her head, she needs constant reassurance and attention but whenever there is a problem like this we usually just talk about it come with a  plan and move forward, nothing ever as serious as not seeing a future though. She's had feelings ranging from her genuinely thinking that I hooked up with a guy, to me thinking I was going to break up with her at my family's Christmas eve party. I understand and always console her and always say how much I will never do that to her and will always be here for her.  However when I tried to do this and solve this feeling she had this time, she just said she doesn't even know why she has this feeling. 

The one thing lingering in both our mind was the uncertainty of where/how we're gona end up together after college. We both agreed we'd always choose our careers first instead of one settling to be with one another. She ultimatley decided that she wanted to stay in her city in TX for the near future and I said that's perfectly ok, just it'll be hard for me because the job market in her city isn't the best, especially for my field. So she began to feel that because she didn't wana leave TX yet, that by me moving down there I'd be settling to be with her, that I'd be giving up on my dreams and I'd end up resenting her for it. But I kept telling her I would never do that to myself or her. I just needed my first job out of college and I'd be the happiest man in the world with a decent entry job in my field down there with her. Nevertheless I've been applying to places not only in her city but all over since March to no luck. 

So in the end of May, after we haven't seen each other since Feb because of the pandemic she just says she has been having doubts and needs time and space to figure out what she wants, she says she doesn't know what she's doing or what she wants right now or for the future. That maybe she doesn't see a future with me right now because everything is so uncertain, and that it has been real hard not seeing each other this long and that we lost our spark, which is understandable, especially because LDR was specifically hard for her more than me, she needs that physical love and attraction more than anything.  Whenever we were together in person, we were as happiest as could be. There'd be times where she'd lay down next to me and say our relationship is so perfect that we couldn't have sex and it'd still be just as perfect. Just a couple months ago she'd tell me how much she will always fight for us and how she only wants us. But as of now, she still wanted to end things. I was heartbroken and pleased we can get through this together, but she said she needs to be alone and she cried as much as me me during this. There's not another guy or anything like that, I reached out to one of my best friends who is also her roommate and asked if she knew what she was going through or whats up, but she told me she didn't even know, she just locked herself in her room for a week and wouldn't talk about her feelings with her. Only thing I had to hold onto was my girlfriend telling me "obviously this isn’t a close the door and move on kind of thing" during the breakup. 

I think this was the result of a multitude of things. Mainly I think she got tired of being in an LDR and frustrated that we had no real direction after college and felt stuck. In addition, the pandemic hit me hard. I got laid off from my internship, my dads small shop had to close and my mom was a nurse in the biggest hotspot in the country at the time. I was worried everyday about my mom and our money because it was so hard, and it killed me I couldn't do much to help. During this time, mainly end of march until early May, I kind of emotionally checked out with her, which was the WORST thing I could've done. I was just kind of depressed and was in a shell and wheneevr we talked I was just kinda meh, which I know killed her. I eventually got to oppening up to her about how hard its been in May, and she started to cry too probably because she knows what she was going to do to me shortly after and maybe didn't realize. I know how much she loves me and I could see the pain in her eyes just listening and talking to me, and I love her more than anything just as much.

After she ended things, we went about a 3 week period not talking. She reached out on Insta to congratulate me on my Thesis being published, and also sent me a pic of a food we love, I didn't respond to either which is so stupid but I didn't know what to think, I was just starting to decompress and didn't want to get sucked backed in and seem desperate  . During this 3 week period, all of a sudden the universe seemed to present itself. TWO companies from her city in TX reach out to me about my application I submitted in early May while we were still together and wants to start the interview process. Both went really good, one of these jobs is a perfect fit for me, and both progressed to the final stages of interviews, which is when I reached out to talk to her. We talked on FacetTime, we were smiling laughing joking etc it went good. I told her about the two jobs I have down there and she told me it's amazing, that this was our dream just a month or two ago, that she can't tell me not to take it because it's an amazing opportunity, but  that she still doesn't know if that'll change anything for now and she doens't expect me to wait around for her. I said that's ok, I'm still taking this time to work on myself to realize my mistakes and what I could've done better and done more for her, she told me she was just starting to see a therapist and I decided to do the same. She agrees that not seeing each other for this long was a big part of this, but there's more to it, and that seeing each other would just cause her to feel the amazing feelings again and she doens't know if she wants that or is ready for that yet. Says the problem wasnt because she wanted to be single or because we prevented each other from progressing in life or doing things, but because she was just having doubts about us together. 

Nevertheless, after the countless jobhunting I've been on since March, I have TWO concrete offers from her city, and honestly it feels just so good to actually have an offer and have a company appreciate you instead of the hundreds that just ghosted me! I haven;t told her yet and we haven;t talked really since our that last facetime which was about 2-3 weeks ago. Now what do I do? Obviously I'd be going to her city because of the job and it's the best offer I will get in the middle of this horrible job market. But at the same time, of course I'd be following my heart there and hoping we can reconnect. Also because I know NOone outside of her and her friends, some of which are also my really close friends. And during this pandemic, there's not gona be many chances to meet or make a new friend/social group. So I'd just be going there all alone, which normally I have no problem doing.

 

There was no fundamental issues with our relationship, we didn’t lose our trust, or lie or have a big fight or anything like that. Her major doubts were about the uncertainty of where we were gona end up after college, but now that’s fixed, we’re both in the same city if I take this offer. Maybe she was just too deep in the thought process of breaking up and accepting it that she didn’t wana turn back or even knows how she feels yet once I got these offers? I’m just so conflicted on what to do. A part of me just wants to see each other, because I know that in itself will change/fix so much, just to be in each others presence. She’s the first one to say everything happens for a reason, well, maybe me getting a job in her city is the reason. Or am I just setting myself up for a very prolonged, dragged out heart break? 
Thank you for listening to my journey

 

Edited July 11, 2020 by Art10

[kendahke]

Always go where your financial and professional interests can best develop.  You don't have to live next door to her.

[Not So Sad Now]

She's not psychic - get back in touch with her and let her know about your job offers!  Otherwise, since you blanked her previous messages, if she hears you are moving to her city from a third party, she is going to correlate you not telling her as meaning you have moved on and aren't interested any more.

[d0nnivain]

Take the job you like.  Move.  Get settled.  When you are settled, reach out to her & tell her you are local.  then ask to meet up.  If it was the distance & Covid that strained things, your proximity should fix everything.  Otherwise this was never meant to be. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I definitely would not ask her to meet up with you after you two have broken up LTR only for u to move to her city... Give her some space and in maybe a couple months, ask to go for coffee or something, but if you come across as the creepy cingly ex-boyfriend stalker type that will be your last chance