MrCKF Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 Long story short, there was a girl I went out with a few days ago. It was our first date, she was very affectionate, she hugged my arm and leaned on my body while we were walking at the street. She even paid for the hotel for us to stay for a night, she even gave me her first no condom sex. But next day, before I left we had a long talk. She said she really like me, but there is something on me she doesn't like as much, which it makes her struggle if she wants to be with me or not. Meanwhile she is busy with her research as a PhD student, she has literally no time to do other stuff she even gives up her workout. So she insists on keeping me as a friend. She emphasized she really cherished me and she felt really lucky to meet me, but she is now really not in the mood for relationship and she has no time to know more about me. That night, despite the fact that she needed to meet her supervisor in the next early morning, she still stayed on the call with me for 6hrs during midnight in order to sort out this matter. So whats going on in her mind?
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 1. She can't insist. You're a free person. 2. I would NOT do this. It will be phony on your part; you'll always be hoping and wishing she'll see what a nice person you are, and then decide to date you anyway. That probably won't come true; if it does it could literally take years for all you know and then possibly be brief anyway. Are you willing to put your life on hold like that and continuously be in a state of frustration? 3. I hate the "I cherish our 'friendship' stuff. I say this as a woman, BTW. It feels like, "I want you around because you make me feel like I'm special, but I don't want to give anything back." Your "friendship" is 100% on her terms. Is that really friendship? 4. Here's what I'd do. I'd be straight up but not emotional or angry about it: "Hey, it's been great getting to know you and I do think you're an awesome person, but my intent was to find someone to date. So let's go our separate ways and I wish you the best." Again, NOT angrily. That's the truth and there's nothing wrong with it, and if you're confident in yourself and your intentions, that's what you'll do. And if not...you'll hang around like a satellite thinking making someone else feel great while you suffer is "cherished friendship." 4
nibelheim89 Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 If I was you I would walk away, firstly as a sign of respect for yourself and secondly to avoid giving her the satisfaction of having a potential "orbiter" around her which appears to be what she is after for an ego boost. 3
rjc149 Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 Sounds like some pretty intense stuff after only one date. Never agree to be friends if you want more than friendship. Be true to yourself. If she won't give you more than a friendship, wish her the best, and be out that door. 4
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 She a pushy narcissist. She doesn't get to dictate terms. It's your life. She wants you around to flatter her. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 8 hours ago, MrCKF said: So whats going on in her mind? Exactly what she said is going on--that's my guess 1
mr_marvel Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 If friendship is NOT what you want, DO NOT accept it. It's simple as that. Simply tell her you're not interested in being friend with her, that you WANT to be romantically together. If she accepts, then it's good. If she doesn't, then accept it, wish her the best, move on and date other women.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 11 hours ago, MrCKF said: Long story short, there was a girl I went out with a few days ago. It was our first date, she was very affectionate, she hugged my arm and leaned on my body while we were walking at the street. She even paid for the hotel for us to stay for a night, she even gave me her first no condom sex. Condomless sex with a stranger? OP. Bad idea. I don't buy for a moment that she's never done that before, either. Do get yourself tested for STIs/HIV as soon as possible. Your health needs to be more important to you. On to the next issue: don't stay friends with her. There's no point. You're likely one of a few guys she might keep in her orbit just for attention when she wants it, but doesn't want to date. Don't bother with this person; she sounds rather shady. 6
introverted1 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 16 hours ago, MrCKF said: She even paid for the hotel for us to stay for a night, she even gave me her first no condom sex. Something about this is way off. I doubt you were her first "no condom sex." You were a complete stranger - why would anyone even a little bit concerned about their own health offer to have condomless sex with a stranger? You need to get tested for STIs. 2
kendahke Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 22 hours ago, MrCKF said: So she insists on keeping me as a friend. if you want to keep it as strictly friends--no romantic boyfriend/girlfriend stuff--> that includes taking her out for drinks or dinner, no going to movies, no going for activities like one would do if they were dating--then be her FWB. If you want more, this isn't the one. Cut her loose. When she said "friends" she means she want to turn you into her girlfriend. I'd advise against that. Just call her up when you want some sex and leave when you're done.
smackie9 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 She wants a BF without benefits. In other words an orbiter.
mark clemson Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Yeah, having an orbiter can make it more difficult for you to move on. Some of the potential new GF's would look askance at this. If you have feelings for her, it's doubly problematic as those feelings may interfere with bonding with a new person. Friendship can be on your terms too. One possible solution would be to say "sure, we can be friends" but then just move on with your life. Don't bother contacting her etc or plan for her in your social schedule. If she wants to do something together then other interests take precedence, but if you're truly completely free then sure spend time with her (platonically). Once you have a new actual GF in your life suggest you tell her you need to let he fall by the wayside, so your GF doesn't feel threatened. That's one way to do it; not sure if that's for you. 3
felixmo755 Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 the real question is why dont you just take what she says at face value and move on with your life... the real reason behind the scene is irrelevent, sometimes we dont want to give real reason, sometimes we dont even know, the point is there are nothing to solve here, just live your life, good luck out there 1
snowboy91 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 What's going on is probably exactly what she said. As someone who's done a PhD, I know it consumes an enormous amount of time and energy, and that would be her main focus at the moment, not building a relationship. At that point in time she was happy to have fun with you, but is unable to continue the relationship any further than that. She doesn't see you as someone she can build a life with, but still as someone she enjoys spending time with. Which is an awkward situation to be in after you've slept together. If you want to, maintain the friendship, but don't expect anything more than that. 1
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