Whitelion10 Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 I’d really love to hear everyone’s comments on this to see if I am over reacting. My partner (female) and I (also female) have been together for a year and a half. We see eachother maybe once midweek and at weekends. However, I feel like we have a third person in our relationship, her gay male best friend who she has known for many many years. Both he and I get along well so no issues there. BUT, they are together all the time. Every single day and every single night, and I mean every single night. He is at her house literally 30mins before she goes to bed. Whenever we chat about how she’s doing or what she’s up to she is always with him. She did say to me not long ago that when he is single he tends to do this and latch on. At the moment, he doesn’t have a job so has probably too much time on his hands. If my partner and I make plans to see eachother he needs to know what days so he can make plans too as she isn’t available for him. Recently she didn’t tell him until the last minute that she was staying at my house through just being busy and he was miffed because he didn’t have anything to do and had presumed they would be spending the weekend together. When we do see eachother he is constantly texting her. When we are on a date night or watching a film he’ll phone to talk to her, he even called her from a first date to tell her how it was going (in front of his date) I feel a little silly for being bothered by this but it just always feels like we have someone else in our relationship. Am I wrong to feel a bit off with this? I’d also like to add that she is in the process of buying a new house and he wants to rent a room and live with her, I have no idea how I’ll feel when I visit her and he is actually there all the time, we’ll have no time to ourselves. She hasn’t said whether or not she will allow him to move in, but I know they’ve talked about it
Blind-Sided Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 Well................... This one is a little tough to deal with. First... is he an older friend? What I mean is... did they know each other before you and your partner knew each other? If that's the case... then you almost have to accept it. You don't know every detail of that relationship... and you don't know exactly what he may have gone through. (and why he's so clingy to a female when he's gay) I know my current GF has several guy friends, and jealousy is human nature. But I figured it's not my place to even say anything since those relationships are much older than ours. (being BF/GF) In my case... my GF is with me almost all the time anymore... so I'm not worried about her guy friends. But to ease your mind... you may want to ask her about the history with her guy friend, and why they are together so much. The part about txt'ing while you are together... well... that's just rude regardless of the situation. My GF will pick up her phone, and txt or check twitter when things are quiet. But every once in awhile... I think it's excessive. When that happens... I give her a little crap about it. Generally she apologizes, and puts the phone away. You may want to find a playful way to get your point across, if she is that kind of person. But if she is more direct... then jet tell her... "Hey, you are with me tonight. Can you please put the phone away and focus on us." 1
Author Whitelion10 Posted July 10, 2020 Author Posted July 10, 2020 Yes they have been friends for years (since school) so we’re talking 10 years plus and way way way before me. Which I understand, i just find him a bit excessive and overwhelming. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have that type of relationship with my best friend, I could never live in someone’s pockets it would annoy me.
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 Pre-existing friends who were around before you met your SO are part of the package. You can't do much but I would speak up about your concerns about the BFF moving in
ExpatInItaly Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 I would find his constant presence and demands on her time and attention suffocating. But really, the problem lies more in your girlfriend than with him. He sounds overly-attached, yes, but it is up to her to draw some boundaries here. Does she see it an issue? Is she comfortable with running all her plans by him first, or does she find this irritating? I am guessing he doesn't have other friends, so perhaps she feels responsible for his happiness (even if that's a misguided notion.) Perhaps she is fine with their enmeshed dynamic - in which case, you have a bigger challenge in front of you. Does she know how you feel about this? 1 1
Author Whitelion10 Posted July 10, 2020 Author Posted July 10, 2020 She doesn’t see it as an issue. I think she quite likes being ‘needed’. He is going through a bit of a tough time right now and I think you are right, she feels a bit responsible to ‘look after him’ and keep him company. As far as I am aware she isn’t setting any boundaries which is why they are together 24/7. No she doesn’t, I didn’t really know how I could bring it up to her as it’s her life and I don’t want to come across as jealous so I haven’t said anything
kendahke Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Whitelion10 said: She doesn’t see it as an issue. I think she quite likes being ‘needed’. Translation: you are not as important to her as he is. You should act accordingly. Find another girlfriend who views your presence in her life just as important. 1 hour ago, Whitelion10 said: I didn’t really know how I could bring it up to her Let your absence tell her all she needs to know. Edited July 10, 2020 by kendahke
ShyViolet Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 This would seriously annoy me. I don't blame you for being concerned about it. However, if this person is an old friend and they have had this arrangement since way before you came into the picture, you can't really expect to change it. It sounds like this weird, overbearing friendship is part of the package and you are going to have to decide whether you are willing to accept it, or walk away.
smackie9 Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 When you first started dating there should have been some boundaries and expectations discussed. IMO you have left this way too long. Sure the friend comes as a package deal, but this dynamic they have is extreme. You NEED to discuss this with her, and she needs to set some boundaries with him or this won't work. When one is in a relationship, adjustments must be respectfully made. It's normal to commit more time and be more focused on your partner. It's called "Commitment!" Your partner has to step up. Not completely banish him, but he needs to stop being so codependent in their friendship.
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 You tell her by finding a quiet moment & raising the issue of her new house. Then you tell her that you are worried about what will happen if this guy moves in with her. Tell her that you don't have him or anything but you feel like he's coming between you. Ask if she has suggestions about decreasing his presence in your relationship.
deepthinking Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 (edited) He is in the role you would aspire to, she is already committed 24/7. I also agree with Donnovian, Talk nicely to her about your feelings, for it is her job to make sure you feel okay. Edited July 10, 2020 by deepthinking
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