fmrOW Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 I was the OW, my first time...and last. MM is now divorced and we're still together. 99% of the time I am still as... I dunno, lovestruck as I was during the first few months we were together. There are just a few fairly minor, fairly harmless things that bug me. The one I'm dealing with at the moment is when I'm not home (I go visit my dad in the next state and my mom in the state the next one over:), I'm gone for a weekend at most.... So he gets bored/lonely, whatever and HE CHATS. ON YAHOO. ABOUT SEX!! This just bugs the hell outta me. We've talked about it before and he understands that I am....hurt that he chats with these girls. Sometimes he gets their numbers, but he says has not spoken with any of the girls he's chatted with. I believe him, he may 'omit' things sometimes but he hasn't lied about some things I -knew- the answer to that I asked him expecting a lie and he told me the truth..so yeah, I trust him. So he knows it bothers me yet he continues, he's even gotten a little sneakier about it ie. he made a new screenname, so....I need to know, Would you be bothered? Why? To what extent would you 'take it'? btw, I tried to make this somewhat short but still halfway understandable...so if it actually doesn't make any sense, just ask for some clarification.
legrtova Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Trust issues are gonna be an issue in this kind of a relationship. You know he lied about you to his wife and you expect him to lie to you, too. Yeah, it would bug the heck outta me, too. I don't have a problem with guys chatting about sex, I think they can vent better....but getting numbers is getting a bit too far in my opinion.
sunflower1008 Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 .... So he gets bored/lonely, whatever and HE CHATS. ON YAHOO. ABOUT SEX!! This just bugs the hell outta me. YES, this would bug the hell out of me too! In fact, I've lived this! And let me tell you how I've felt...hurt, jealous and mad. My MM would be off of the sites for 2 months, then right back on. He wouldn't meet anyone, just "chat" with them. I don't know if he chatted on the phone with them. And he said the same thing your MM said to you "I'm just lonely". What I didn't understand was that if he was lonely, why wasn't he chatting with ME? It made me furious! Then I began thinking, maybe he was chatting because I wasn't all he wanted. The bottom line is, THIS IS NOT RIGHT. If it bothers you that much, tell him you want him off the sites. I would install a keylogger in his computer and see if he actually does tell you the "truth" then. What you find out may surprise you. If it doesn't feel right to you, it probably isn't. Don't settle for this or his foolish excuse of "feeling lonely". That's bull. Would you ever do this to him? I didn't think so. Chin up and find out the so called truth. Good luck and keep posting.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 This is the last thing you are going to want to hear, but it sounds like you got yourself a bona fide cakeman. The type of man who has parsed out his emotional map in the form of a puzzle. He has a piece of it that is W shaped, and a piece of it that is OW shaped. Take out one, and the puzzle is incomplete. Discard one piece and recut it to fit the other slot, and it leaves that other slot wide open. You filled the W spot, so he needs to find some way to fill his OW slot. In this case, it is sex chat. Chances are he is actively looking for someone to fill that 'OW' space you left vacant when you took over the W spot. I wish I could tell you that this isn't typical. What to do? There is only one way to stop this, and this is for the man to want to change in such a way that he has no need for 'outside attention'. Being 'bored and lonely' is NO EXCUSE and what he is doing is no less harmless than those things that started and ultimately led to his divorce. I don't expect it will be long before he is doing this while you are in town and he will use some other excuse. Until he has no need for 'outside attention' from OW - he will not change. He will just get better at hiding his needs from you. Get him to want to change those 'needs' of his, and you have a chance. If you can't get him to understand that what he is doing is damaging to your relationship to the extent where he feels that he truly wants to change, then you have no better chance than his W did before you. I believe him, he may 'omit' things sometimes but he hasn't lied about some things I -knew- the answer to that I asked him expecting a lie and he told me the truth..so yeah, I trust him. I would bet a large amount of money his W said the exact same thing. While you feel that you can 'trust' him, truly you have to realize that as soon as you started being a W figure, he was bound to treat you like one - meaning, he can lie to you just as baldfaced as he lied to his W before you. Be careful... very, very cautious with this. Do not excuse or allow his behavior. Address it immediately, and let him know that it needs to stop and that you are willing to work with him to get to the point where he no longer needs to be doing what he is doing. Cakeman-itis is not an incurable disease. Just very difficult to cope with. Time, patience, and an intolerance of that behavior, along with strong consequences will be things you'll want to keep in mind here.
Beentheredonethat Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 How can you ever trust him? I have seen it many times.
Author fmrOW Posted October 12, 2005 Author Posted October 12, 2005 You all are giving me great perspective, thank you! I'm likely going out of town this weekend (most of the time he goes with me) if he doesn't go with me we will have the 'chatting' conversation again....with results, hopefully. I'm not the most assertive person when it comes to asking for what I want for example: "I want you to bathe the dogs more" comes out as "the dogs are filthy, I wish you wouldn't let them on the bed like this"....So when we've talked about chatting before it's more like "it hurts my feelings that you chat, that you need someone else to fufill something in you" instead of...I dunno, saying something that actually states that chatting is unacceptable. I think I've probably been hesitant to make too many demands on him (like about the chatting thing) because I'm afraid of what he will say. If I say, basically, that you can't chat anymore and he says, basically, that he's going to continue... then I would be forced into a position where I -had- to leave; I do have -some- self respect, afterall!...so when it comes down to it I have to ask myself if I want to risk that? I mean, I -could- never say another word about chatting and know that he's doing it and pretend it doesn't bother me but, that's not happiness and I decided early on that I wasn't going to be unhappy in relationships....no stalemate. I mean, already....I resent him a little...it's not a good feeling. I guess I want to risk it:) I want to be able to love him freely without doubt...and the hurt that comes from his behavior that tells me I'm not enough for him. I don't want to let this continue for another few years until I resent/hate him so much for his...cakeyness <YES, that IS a word;p> that I leave then and regret that I didn't leave years earlier!!
newbby Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 good! and you could always say, thats fine and since its acceptable in our relationship i am going to do the same thing;)
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