Girl I really liked spurned me for my best friend (and I have to work with both of them)

July 9, 2020

Apologies if this is in the wrong forum...

So I (M, 25) had been talking to this girl (24) I really liked for a bit. I had met her through work (and we both traveled a lot, even with COVID), so we hit it off and really got to know each other well. In the last couple months or so, I started to develop a huge crush on her, but she said she had recently gotten out of a relationship and wanted to wait a bit before getting into another one.

Fast forward to this week, and I found out via Facebook that she's started dating my best friend, whom she met through hanging out a lot with me. Me and him are extremely close, he's helped through a lot of tough times in my life over the years, and of course, I'd divulged nearly everything about my feelings for her to him.

I guess this is sort of compounded by the fact that I don't get into relationships that often, I'm just not very outgoing naturally and don't really date around that much - she would've been my first relationship of any kind in nearly four years. My last relationship nearly four years ago also ended because I was cheated on, and it took me a long time to get over that and to focus on improving me and myself - so its also a massive gut punch that I finally worked up the courage and confidence enough again to tell her how I felt about her and give it a shot, only to be spurned for someone else whose close to me. To make matters worse, said best friend lost his job because of COVID, so I pulled some strings to get him a job and the company her and I work for - I have to see and work with both of them every day.

So that's left me feeling a very weird emotional soup of sad, jealous, betrayed, heartbroken, panicky, and extremely depressed. Never really been in this situation before at all nor know anyone who has, so any advice or anything is appreciated.

Edited July 9, 2020 by zb1995

July 9, 2020

Your feelings are normal. Just be upset with your friend. He owed you a duty of loyalty. She owed you nothing but it was declassee of her to go after your friend.

Put a lot of distance in here, as much as you can considering you have to work with her

July 9, 2020

I think I'd have second thoughts about that guy being my best friend, unless it had already not worked out between you and her. Esp if he didn't talk about what was going on with you.

July 9, 2020

What happened to the bro code?
That is despicable behaviour from both actually.

July 9, 2020

IMO it would have been different if she was your GF, but she was just an interest...so she was fair game. It left you flat, but it doesn't mean you can't meet someone else and be happy. Next time, instead of admiring at a distance for months, just jump right in there with confidence. Either you get lucky or get turned down quickly instead of investing needlessly for months. It's a matter of changing your strategy.

As for your friend, the best thing to do is speak your peace, make peace with the fact he's with her, or dissolve your friendship. Just don't wallow in your misery, head up, and go forward.

July 9, 2020

The girl doesn't owe you anything. The issue is more your best friend. Have you talked to him about this? Has he ever done anything like this to you in the past?

July 9, 2020

2 hours ago, zb1995 said:

she said she had recently gotten out of a relationship and wanted to wait a bit before getting into another one.

I have said this to let people down easy before when I was younger. Yes, I did want to heal more after a relationship, but I also just plain wasn't interested. This is likely the case with her, which is why you see her turn around a few weeks/a month or so later and date someone else. Like you, though, I don't often find people I want to get involved with/seriously like, so fortunately no one ever had to witness me turn around and date someone else quickly afterward. Now I know that sometimes men will "wait" for you to be ready, but at the time I thought this was a nice way of rejecting someone so it sounded more about me than about the fact that I wasn't attracted or interested in them.

Also, I've been the girl in situations where a guy liked me but then didn't date me because a close friend also liked me, when I would have never gone for that person anyway. It sucks to feel betrayed by your friend, but my guess is that she would have dated you if she was interested, so don't look at her as "what if."

July 9, 2020

3 hours ago, zb1995 said:

Apologies if this is in the wrong forum...

So I (M, 25) had been talking to this girl (24) I really liked for a bit. I had met her through work (and we both traveled a lot, even with COVID), so we hit it off and really got to know each other well. In the last couple months or so, I started to develop a huge crush on her, but she said she had recently gotten out of a relationship and wanted to wait a bit before getting into another one.

Fast forward to this week, and I found out via Facebook that she's started dating my best friend, whom she met through hanging out a lot with me. Me and him are extremely close, he's helped through a lot of tough times in my life over the years, and of course, I'd divulged nearly everything about my feelings for her to him.

I guess this is sort of compounded by the fact that I don't get into relationships that often, I'm just not very outgoing naturally and don't really date around that much - she would've been my first relationship of any kind in nearly four years. My last relationship nearly four years ago also ended because I was cheated on, and it took me a long time to get over that and to focus on improving me and myself - so its also a massive gut punch that I finally worked up the courage and confidence enough again to tell her how I felt about her and give it a shot, only to be spurned for someone else whose close to me. To make matters worse, said best friend lost his job because of COVID, so I pulled some strings to get him a job and the company her and I work for - I have to see and work with both of them every day.

So that's left me feeling a very weird emotional soup of sad, jealous, betrayed, heartbroken, panicky, and extremely depressed. Never really been in this situation before at all nor know anyone who has, so any advice or anything is appreciated.

I'll be completely honest...I've met the best men by dating, and yes, usually he has friends or colleagues who are more appealing to me. That being said, what a SH*TTY friend to do this behind your back!

This entire situation is the universe telling you to upgrade yourself, your friends, and the women that you date. Neither of these people are worth your sadness. And you know what? Be grateful for the people who didn't know how to love you, because they are teaching you *how to love yourself*.

July 9, 2020

Ya I agree when you hear "I'm not ready" that's a blow off statement.

July 9, 2020

58 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Ya I agree when you hear "I'm not ready" that's a blow off statement.

what if she have just got out of a relationship like she had? does it mean that even if a girl has just got out of a relationship she is always ready if she meets the right guy?

July 10, 2020

Mate let me tell you this he is no friend I been there something similar. With my ex worked together not fun I think your likely to feel it more from the so called friend ? Not cool if you can relocate or work somewhere else or another Dept in the same co would recommend cause seeing em is not gonna be fun

Edited July 10, 2020 by Goodguy05

July 10, 2020

8 hours ago, zb1995 said:

Apologies if this is in the wrong forum...

So I (M, 25) had been talking to this girl (24) I really liked for a bit. I had met her through work (and we both traveled a lot, even with COVID), so we hit it off and really got to know each other well. In the last couple months or so, I started to develop a huge crush on her, but she said she had recently gotten out of a relationship and wanted to wait a bit before getting into another one.

Fast forward to this week, and I found out via Facebook that she's started dating my best friend, whom she met through hanging out a lot with me. Me and him are extremely close, he's helped through a lot of tough times in my life over the years, and of course, I'd divulged nearly everything about my feelings for her to him.

I guess this is sort of compounded by the fact that I don't get into relationships that often, I'm just not very outgoing naturally and don't really date around that much - she would've been my first relationship of any kind in nearly four years. My last relationship nearly four years ago also ended because I was cheated on, and it took me a long time to get over that and to focus on improving me and myself - so its also a massive gut punch that I finally worked up the courage and confidence enough again to tell her how I felt about her and give it a shot, only to be spurned for someone else whose close to me. To make matters worse, said best friend lost his job because of COVID, so I pulled some strings to get him a job and the company her and I work for - I have to see and work with both of them every day.

So that's left me feeling a very weird emotional soup of sad, jealous, betrayed, heartbroken, panicky, and extremely depressed. Never really been in this situation before at all nor know anyone who has, so any advice or anything is appreciated.

I would reconsider the company you keep.

Both were in the wrong there.

More so your friend who has loyalty to you but the girl could have thought about your feelings if she wanted to.

Don't bother engaging with either of them again (apart from work matters).

July 10, 2020

8 hours ago, zb1995 said:

In the last couple months or so, I started to develop a huge crush on her, but she said she had recently gotten out of a relationship and wanted to wait a bit before getting into another one.

How exactly did you ask her out, or spill your feelings out to her? What prompted her to tell you she wanted to wait before getting into another relationship?

What happened happened. Violation of bro code, for sure. Lord knows, I've been in your friend's shoes, girl turns down my friend for me. And I've been in your shoes. Girl I'm into is more into my friend. We both exercised restraint. There's always another girl out there. No need to sh-t where you eat.

So, it may be helpful to look at this way. He didn't just bang her for cheap thrills, knowing you were crushing on her. Maybe they had a connection that you didn't have with her, and maybe they are actually really into each other. Maybe by forgiving them and letting this go, you can allow a happy relationship to flourish. And you can spend your time finding a happy relationship with a girl who connects with you.

8 hours ago, zb1995 said:

I finally worked up the courage and confidence enough again to tell her how I felt about her and give it a shot

This is a bad way to go after a girl you like. Pining for her from afar, in her friend zone, slowly but surely working up the courage to spill your feelings out to her, and then suddenly blind-siding her and putting her on the spot in the hopes that she will reciprocate.

It's best to show that you are interested from the get go, by being flirty and playful around her, and reading her receptiveness to it. I can't go into details on that here, there's just too much to cover but generally speaking, you want to come off as a confident, attractive, pre-selected guy who is assertive with women. I think you came off a bit too much like a friend.

Or maybe, like I said, there was simply a stronger spark she had with your friend. That's how it goes sometimes. It sucks, but only for a short time.

As for your friendship, it's probably finished, things just don't go back to being the same after something like this. Unless he earnestly apologizes and makes a compelling case for why he likes her and wants to be with her, you'd preserve your dignity by cutting ties with both.

Edited July 10, 2020 by rjc149

July 10, 2020

13 hours ago, zb1995 said:

So I (M, 25) had been talking to this girl (24) I really liked for a bit. I had met her through work (and we both traveled a lot, even with COVID), so we hit it off and really got to know each other well. In the last couple months or so, I started to develop a huge crush on her, but she said she had recently gotten out of a relationship and wanted to wait a bit before getting into another one.[/quote]

1. So this is "office romance," which is a BAD idea. Even worse, you "had a crush" on her WITHOUT making any real moves like asking her out. This is weak and beta behaviours.

13 hours ago, zb1995 said:

Fast forward to this week, and I found out via Facebook that she's started dating my best friend, whom she met through hanging out a lot with me. Me and him are extremely close, he's helped through a lot of tough times in my life over the years, and of course, I'd divulged nearly everything about my feelings for her to him.[/quote]

2. You did not make any real moves with this woman, so it's totally normal that she now is dating another guy. It doesn't matter if this guy is your best friend or even your father. The lesson here is, if you like a woman but won't ask her out, another guy will.

13 hours ago, zb1995 said:

I guess this is sort of compounded by the fact that I don't get into relationships that often, I'm just not very outgoing naturally

3. This indicates you don't have much experience regarding the game of dating in general, thus (I assume) you don't have much knowliedge on women either. This is a serious issue that you need (and must) to fix before thinking about hitting on real women.

July 10, 2020

8 hours ago, fred123 said:

what if she have just got out of a relationship like she had? does it mean that even if a girl has just got out of a relationship she is always ready if she meets the right guy?

She truly may not be ready. But it's wise to not wait around for someone to be ready....because they may never be.

July 10, 2020

13 hours ago, zb1995 said:

My last relationship nearly four years ago also ended because I was cheated on, and it took me a long time to get over that and to focus on improving me and myself - so its also a massive gut punch that I finally worked up the courage and confidence enough again to tell her how I felt about her and give it a shot, only to be spurned for someone else whose close to me.[/QUOTE]

4. The bolded part indicates you HAVEN'T REALLY LEARNED anything from your last relationship. You don't know anything about the human psychology in general and the feminine psychology in particular. If you like a woman, you just ask her out, that's it. She's not some kind of otherworldly creature that you need to "WORK UP THE COURAGE AND CONFIDENCE ENOUGH" just to "tell her" how you feel. Women don't care how you feel, they just want to have a good time with you. And by that I mean having a drink or some light meal with drinks in a fun-filled, relaxed and comfortable atmosphere. That's it. You need to go out and date more women - multiple ones at the same time to be exact.

13 hours ago, zb1995 said:

To make matters worse, said best friend lost his job because of COVID, so I pulled some strings to get him a job and the company her and I work for - I have to see and work with both of them every day.

So that's left me feeling a very weird emotional soup of sad, jealous, betrayed, heartbroken, panicky, and extremely depressed. Never really been in this situation before at all nor know anyone who has, so any advice or anything is appreciated.

5.This is, sadly, YOUR problem, not THEIRS.

July 10, 2020

4 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Violation of bro code, for sure.

I have to disagree with this, Rjc149.

Like they said, it's all fair in love and war.

OP likes this woman, but didn't make a move, so another guy (who happened to be his "best friend") did it. It's all natural from a 3rd view.

The only case where the so-called "bro code" applies is you DON'T try to f**k your bro's wife / girlfriend. But it's not OP's case.

So, NO violations here.

July 10, 2020

I don't see any bro code violation here. OP had nothing with the woman in question, apart from being in the friendzone and trying to get out of it the wrong way, like we all did when we were teenagers.

If they had any sort of relationship, had slept together etc then sure but they didn't. Just because OP liked her doesn't mean his friend can't be the one to get with her if he's the one she likes.

OP use this as a lesson - when you like a woman make that romantic interest clear right at the start.

Edited July 10, 2020 by Mystery4u

July 10, 2020

12 hours ago, elaine567 said:

What happened to the bro code?
That is despicable behaviour from both actually.

How was it "despicable behaviour"???

The said woman was never in a relationship with OP's in the first place, she's only his TARGET, which he NEVER hit.

So it's natural and obvious that she will be targeted by another guy.

I'm not against the whole "bro code" thing, but this is NOT such a case. This in face has NOTHING to to with "bro code" or not.

Edited July 10, 2020 by mr_marvel

July 10, 2020

5 hours ago, rjc149 said:

As for your friendship, it's probably finished, things just don't go back to being the same after something like this. Unless he earnestly apologizes and makes a compelling case for why he likes her and wants to be with her, you'd preserve your dignity by cutting ties with both.

Another disagreement from my point of view.

OP's friend had NOTHING to apologize about, or even just a feeling of guilty, because he WON this woman over OP's.

If we are friends, and you for whatever reasons didn't make a move (or didn't have the GUTS to make a move) on the woman you like for "months" (OP's words), and then I stepped in and make her mine, AND you take that as a reason to hold a grudge against me and my new girlfriend? Then f**k you, I don't need that kind of "friend."

If I am hungry, and I see some food on the table UNTOUCHED, and I even know for sure that food was never yours to begin with, I will definitely eat it and I will definitely not feel guilty about it. It is NOT my fault that you, for whatever reasons, DID NOT TOUCH the food until I see it.

Edited July 10, 2020 by mr_marvel

July 10, 2020

4 hours ago, mr_marvel said:

I have to disagree with this, Rjc149.

Like they said, it's all fair in love and war.

OP likes this woman, but didn't make a move, so another guy (who happened to be his "best friend") did it. It's all natural from a 3rd view.

The only case where the so-called "bro code" applies is you DON'T try to f**k your bro's wife / girlfriend. But it's not OP's case.

So, NO violations here.

If I meet a chick through my buddy, and I know he’s pining for her, and this is a good buddy and a friendship I care about, she’s off limits. That’s my personal code, maybe not a universal bro code. I can always get another chick.

July 10, 2020

4 hours ago, mr_marvel said:

Another disagreement from my point of view.

OP's friend had NOTHING to apologize about, or even just a feeling of guilty, because he WON this woman over OP's.

If we are friends, and you for whatever reasons didn't make a move (or didn't have the GUTS to make a move) on the woman you like for "months" (OP's words), and then I stepped in and make her mine, AND you take that as a reason to hold a grudge against me and my new girlfriend? Then f**k you, I don't need that kind of "friend."

If I am hungry, and I see some food on the table UNTOUCHED, and I even know for sure that food was never yours to begin with, I will definitely eat it and I will definitely not feel guilty about it. It is NOT my fault that you, for whatever reasons, DID NOT TOUCH the food until I see it.

Its called morals.

Some people have them, others don't.

July 10, 2020

Indeed the situation doth suck. Best solution is another GF IMO, since then you care a LOT less about any of that. But that can be easier said than done.

July 11, 2020

23 hours ago, mr_marvel said:

Another disagreement from my point of view.

OP's friend had NOTHING to apologize about, or even just a feeling of guilty, because he WON this woman over OP's.

If we are friends, and you for whatever reasons didn't make a move (or didn't have the GUTS to make a move) on the woman you like for "months" (OP's words), and then I stepped in and make her mine, AND you take that as a reason to hold a grudge against me and my new girlfriend? Then f**k you, I don't need that kind of "friend."

If I am hungry, and I see some food on the table UNTOUCHED, and I even know for sure that food was never yours to begin with, I will definitely eat it and I will definitely not feel guilty about it. It is NOT my fault that you, for whatever reasons, DID NOT TOUCH the food until I see it.

If your friend is hungry next to a plate of untouched food, you don't just grab it. You ask if he's gonna eat it, and if not, is it cool if you have it instead.

July 11, 2020

Unfortunately this woman did not have the guts to tell you she was not interested

Her telling you she was not ready to date was a load of crap, as you have now noticed

This woman has no integrity, so no great loss on your part.

As for you supposed best friend, does not seem like a best friend to me. If he was your real friend and knew

about the situation with this woman he would have said something about her liking him but he was a scumbag about not talking with you

Did he say anything to you? Has he talked with you at all or is avoiding you?

Best thing to do is stay as far away from the two of them, have no interaction with them and disown your so called best friend who is a snake

and not really your best friend. Sounds like he has no integrity and you do not want those type of people in your life

Move forward away from these two, they deserve each other...

Best of luck

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Girl I really liked spurned me for my best friend (and I have to work with both of them)

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